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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling violated

33 replies

MIlesdavis · 07/06/2022 19:21

My husband has diabetes. This weekend he kept attempting to have sex without Viagra. He says he “doesn’t want a pill to control him,” but he is impotent because of the diabetes (the doctor said this to us). We haven’t had sex successfully without Viagra for 5-6 years, but lately he’s insisting to have sex without it. This is really difficult because he keeps trying and then loses his erection. He keeps telling me to “make me hard” but I do everything I can and it doesn’t happen. I don’t think it’s me…it’s just the reality of his diabetes. He did complete this weekend, but only because he held his penis in his hand whilst drumming into me. The combination of a few of his fingers and his limp penis together ramming inside me was pretty painful for me. It felt it went on forever. I desperately don’t want to do this again. I feel so violated, but if I tell him so I’m afraid of his anger.

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 07/06/2022 19:53

You need to tell him and if your afraid of his anger there are obviously bigger issues x

Shoxfordian · 07/06/2022 20:47

If you felt you couldn’t tell him at the time that it was painful then you have to seriously consider whether you should stay with him

HollowTalk · 07/06/2022 20:48

God, that must've felt really terrible. Did he really think you were going to enjoy that? It must've felt more like an assault.

MagicTurtle · 07/06/2022 20:50

This is awful to read OP Sad

BrutusMcDogface · 07/06/2022 20:50

Dear god. This is awful. I don’t know what’s worse; the act itself or the fact that you’re too scared of him to say anything.

None of this is ok!

Derbee · 07/06/2022 20:54

Agree with everyone else. This sounds awful, and if you can’t tell him, you need to seriously consider whether you can actually stay with him, never mind sleep with him.

You need to explain that his diabetes related impotence needs to be treated with Viagra if sex is going to happen (IF you want to have sex?). If he won’t engage, then sex needs to be off the table, because that experience sounds awful and unsustainable for you:

JanglyBeads · 07/06/2022 21:00

What's the rest of your relationship like OP?

Unanananana · 07/06/2022 21:58

Derbee · 07/06/2022 20:54

Agree with everyone else. This sounds awful, and if you can’t tell him, you need to seriously consider whether you can actually stay with him, never mind sleep with him.

You need to explain that his diabetes related impotence needs to be treated with Viagra if sex is going to happen (IF you want to have sex?). If he won’t engage, then sex needs to be off the table, because that experience sounds awful and unsustainable for you:

God, you poor woman. Noone would blame you if you didn't ever want sex with him again after that. It sounds disgusting and for him to hurt you is unnacceptable.

Aren't you worth more? Its not all about his satisfaction.

FlissyPaps · 07/06/2022 22:16

He keeps telling me to “make me hard” but I do everything I can and it doesn’t happen. I don’t think it’s me…

It definitely is NOT you, OP💐

I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound like a very nice guy. Could the erection issue be affecting his mental health? If so, he needs to speak to his GP about this.

However, it is absolutely not an excuse for his behaviour towards you in the bedroom. You do not have to engage in any sexual activity that you are uncomfortable with. If he gets angry with you, tries to manipulate you or does something anyway, then that’s abuse and assault.

Does he get angry about other things?

Original poster
MIlesdavis · 08/06/2022 19:50

Thanks for your kindness and support everyone. You're really lovely. This is not the kind of thing I can openly discuss with anyone, and it's weighing heavily on me. He is angry often, something I attribute to poorly controlled diabetes and also I feel he suffers with depression but won't see anyone about help or medication (his mother and our eldest both have been diagnosed and it's plain to me when the dark clouds descend on him). He's simmering all the time: makes me reorganise the cleaning cupboard only I use because it isn't tidy enough, etc. This morning, our cat scratched the back of our sofa and he screamed at her and moved as if he was going to do something to her (she got away). I was in a school meeting for our son when a food delivery arrived. My eldest took care of putting it all away, but he came downstairs and screamed that I'd ordered too much and threw my cleaning basket down the cellar stairs. It was a normal delivery for a family of six, but he's not really aware of how much it takes to feed a family because I've always taken care of this. I spend a lot of time trying to anticipate flash points with him and avoid them. Remembering the way he was when we had sex crushes me. I think over the years he's worn me down to nothing, so I operate on automatic pilot and try not to feel so much.

OP posts:
Rafferty10 · 08/06/2022 19:55

Op this is really hard to read, you are in an abusive relationship and need to leave his diabetes is no excuse for this awful treatment of you

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2022 19:57

This is a very seriously abusive relationship. You and your children and your cat all deserve much better. There is no possible excuse for his behaviour. None. He’s a monster. It must have worn you into the ground but it’s not too late to leave him and find a better life for the rest of you.

rnsaslkih · 08/06/2022 19:59

that is a horrible experience op - could you consider leaving?

GreatCrash · 08/06/2022 20:01

This is really bad OP, he is verbally and sexually abusing you. Can you start making preparations to leave?

HollowTalk · 08/06/2022 20:02

This is really awful. What are your options now?

StarDolphins · 08/06/2022 20:02

This is a sad read:( it’s not ok to be angry &not see the Dr. He owes it to you & your children to get help. Your children are seeing this as role models for future relationships, what if they become him or become you? None of those options are good. They need to see a loving, respectful& calm relationship. Not Mum walking on eggshells & Dad shitty :( so sad.

Fenella123 · 08/06/2022 20:08

www.gov.uk/get-a-divorce

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2022 20:10

eldest took care of putting it all away, but he came downstairs and screamed that I'd ordered too much and threw my cleaning basket down the cellar stairs

Your eldest sounds lovely. Your husband should be single. As quickly as possible.

FlissyPaps · 08/06/2022 20:33

How old are you DC?

This is not normal, OP. You and your DC should not have to put up with this vile behaviour.

Do you have anyone at all you can speak to in real life about this? A family member, trusted friend or trusted colleague?

Original poster
MIlesdavis · 09/06/2022 19:25

I'm 52. I have four DC - 13 to 19. When the children were 2-8, he asked me to help out with some work for him (we work together) whilst he went out. The kids were playing a multiplication game on my PC, and I knew I wouldn't get anything done if I interrupted them, so I opened his laptop on the kitchen table to crack on. His email was open, and a love letter from someone I vaguely knew was there in front of me. I was completely stunned, hollowed out. I scrolled through and he hadn't deleted any of the emails over two years, and there was note upon note of sexually explicit text. I know this makes me stupid, but I had no idea. I stayed, obviously. He left her and I felt overall that the kids didn't deserve to pay for this. He was once the love of my life, but I don't think you ever recover from something like that....and once you stay they know they can do the absolute worst thing to you and it doesn't matter. So even with the best will in the world, when you've essentially climbed Mt. Everest for your marriage and your family, you're degraded. This latest event was hard - it hurt to sit down for the last few days but there's this burning in the centre of my chest whenever I think of it, emotionally it's wrecked me. Sexually, he's always been very hard on me. Pestering me for sex the week after the children were born, etc., me having to offer sex a few days after I broke my leg - I truly did not want to - just to keep the peace because he was bored and unhappy we weren't going to a New Year's Eve party, etc. etc. Our children are solid and good-hearted. I know anything I've had to do has resulted in something so good just by the fact they exist. I know I am blessed to have them. I really wish I had a trusted colleague or friend to speak to about this, but I know I just can't.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 09/06/2022 19:38

@MIlesdavis have you considered that you might be experiencing domestic abuse? I'm so sorry to read all of this.

Your children will sense and have witnessed far more than you think they can/have. The best move for them would be for you to show them that you won't tolerate this behaviour any longer.

Will you think about ringing Women's Aid? They give neutral, supportive, non judgemental advice, won't tell you what to do, and will help you think through what you want.

Well done for taking the step of posting on here.

FlissyPaps · 09/06/2022 19:46

This might be hard for you to hear OP, but your husband is an abuser. A cheat and an abuser. You do not deserve this treatment in your life.

Pestering you for sex a week after giving birth and you feeling like you had to give it him to keep the peace - is sexual abuse.

A loving, caring spouse should never coerce, pester, guilt trip or force their other half to do anything they don’t want to do. No excuses.

www.mycwa.org.uk/sexual-abuse - if you feel up to it, please give this link a read. There are contact details if you want to speak to someone.

I really wish I had a trusted colleague or friend to speak to about this, but I know I just can't.

Is there a reason you can’t? Fear, shame, embarrassment? If so, please know, you have absolutely nothing to be scared, shamed or embarrassed about. Nothing at all OP! I promise there will be someone out there who will be willing to listen. Who will be willing to help you.

If you physically have nobody you can confide in, please contact Womensaid.

www.womensaid.org.uk

and I felt overall that the kids didn't deserve to pay for this. And neither do you, OP. You cannot stay with an abusive man for the sake of your children. If he is this unpleasant with you, surely your children will pick up on his behaviour and know deep down that it is not right.

It seems like you have had years of this. So I completely understand how terrifying it must feel to have a life outside of this marriage and away from this man. But you need to divorce. You can not stay with this man.

JanglyBeads · 09/06/2022 19:49

I'd recommend contacting women's aid as well as confiding in a trusted friend or relative. You will probably need professional advice and support.

yourestandingonmyneck · 09/06/2022 20:02

This is so upsetting to read.

You and your children sound lovely. None of you deserve this.

You are only 52, you can get away from him and LIVE. Your own life. Without being abused and walking on eggshells.

Some other posters will have a lot of good, practical advice, such as Womens Aid etc. i just wanted to show some support and add to the pleas of please consider leaving Flowers

movingon2022 · 09/06/2022 20:08

Dear OP there are all kinds of abuse out there and sadly we are not educated from the early age, like we should be, to recognize it, we are not taught to talk about it and we are not encouraged to leave because of it. As a result, too many women stay in abusive relationships and suffer in silence. My now ex never yelled, swore at me or laid a hand on me, but I felt abused, I felt violated, for years. When I was turning 50 I had an epiphany, I told my self enough is enough and decided to make some changes.

First thing I did, started therapy and this was a big eye opener for me. She told me that I was being abused by my husband, financially, mentally and emotionally. He was also abusing me sexually. He was never forcing himself on me, but he would sulk if I did not want to. The truth is I did not have sexual desire for him for years before we broke up. I was trying to explain to him that it was because of how he was treating me, how he would start a fight, control things, disrespect me and at the end of the day, no, I did not feel like having sex with him. This did not change anything, he continued with his behavior and still expect sex, at least once a week.In the end I gave in and forced myself to have sex with him just to avoid his sulking and silent treatments. He too had ED, but we never discussed this at all, he was very sensitive about it.

Anyway, what I am trying to tell you is, NO, you do not have to take this, you do not have to suffer, you should end this relationship sooner rather then later. Set yourself free. You deserve it! And keep posting, it helps.💕

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