Relationship with Colleagues

[Nouveaunew]

I love my work but my colleagues (my boss, in particular) stress me out. All the silly dynamics & the rigid culture of the place bothers me BUT the truth is I know it could be a lot worse as I’ve worked in worse places. For my industry it’s not too bad and I’m starting to think I just need to get the work done.

so my question is: do you think it’s bad to skip the afterwork socials? We have one coming up next week and I really don’t want to go. I’ve always gone to previous ones & have even organised them but I’m not sure I can handle watching my boss transform into Mr Fun Guy & everyone sucking up to him when he’s been Mr A-hole to me on more than a few occasions this year … (I’m reasonably high up so that’s why I wonder if it’s ‘bad’ if I don’t go along & play the bt game).

What do you think ?

Bs game

On the fence with this one... Would it be commented on majorly if you didn't go? Could you bear to do one occasionally if it would cause ishoos? I know it shouldn't, but.

Thanks @SpongeBobJudgeyPants I guess I kind of want my boss to know that I’m sick to the teeth of putting up with his moods and I can’t bear the thoughts of putting up with him on a night out. He can be such an a-hole in the most spineless passive aggressive way.

I don’t think it’d be majorly commented on but I do think it’d be commented on … two others have already said they’re not going but they’re not as senior as I am (they’re in the company a long time too though … not newbies).

Hmm. I think maybe attending for a shorter period, as infrequently as you can maybe politically get away with? I hear what you say about wanting bossman to know that you're sick of his moods and passive aggression, but (if my previous bosses have been anything to go by) he may be either completely oblivious or not care, or a combination of them both. I think expecting him to change is probably unrealistic, sadly, but you know him better than randomers of MN. In similar circumstances, the best I can do is not be part of they sycophanting, but be civil. So preserve my integrity, but not alienate more than necessary. Would some version of that be do-able? I do sympathise, I've never been good at corporate BS either.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants
That’s exactly it. I suck so bad at BS.

I think I wrote the OP so people would say ‘yeah, don’t go’ etc etc but unfortunately what you’re saying is probably the wiser option … not sure yet … I did go to the last social & got stuck beside Mr Bossman & he threw some nasty personal jabs at me.

I can see how that would make it more difficult, and may be a separate HR issue. Is the personal stuff more likely with drink involved, or does he do it at work also? Maybe you need to see them as separate issues. Nobby the boss making unproffessional remarks, and boring works functions with lots of sychophanting. Are there other allies to sit with?

Is the personal stuff more likely with drink involved, or does he do it at work also?

yes it’s the drink! He turns into a complete tosser with a few drinks in. At least in work it’s just passive aggression & the odd snippy moment. He usually turns around all lovely a day later 🙄

I wouldn't hesitate to NOT go. I used to always say yes to these things, sometimes because I wanted to (I was more sociable then!) but mostly because I was a people-pleaser / wanted to show I was one of the team. Now I'd only go to a work social if I genuinely wanted to go - or if it was for a respected / liked colleague, say a leaving do. Even then I don't feel the need to stay all night. And what surprised me initially - noone cares! They're either having a great time / drunk and don't really notice, or they hate it too.

And in your position I definitely wouldn't go. The boss is treating you badly - why on earth would you want to socialise with him? If he treats people badly then he doesn't get to pretend to be friends with them outside work.

All that said, can you talk to HR?

And in your position I definitely wouldn't go. The boss is treating you badly - why on earth would you want to socialise with him? If he treats people badly then he doesn't get to pretend to be friends with them outside work

Thanks. This is exactly it. ^ I hate the way he feels he can pretend we’re all happy families on nights out and most of the suck-ups Just enable him!

as for HR, mmmm … it’s a touch complicated but let’s just say, it’s not likely to solve the problem!

I wouldn't go. I'd say I was doing a dry June and wanted to avoid alcohol because it makes people behave like utter twats. If they take that to mean themselves, so be it!

Ha ha @HollowTalk Thanks. I’m leaning towards not going this time to be honest. I went to the last one and others didn’t so hopefully if I don’t go to this one, it won’t be too big a deal!

It’s such a pity people can’t just be nice!

I definitely wouldn't go in this case.

In most western workplaces, you hardly ever make friends and get to feel what the word 'friend' means. In eastern culture you could often become friends/close friends with your colleagues who are nice to you and socialize after work, meet up or visit each other at home sometimes.

Most of the time they are just distant people you have to be respectful to and they have to be respectful back to you no matter what position they have.

If the job is crazy hectic, they are just other 'robots' along with you to earn money and to do business.

If the job is more relaxed and can allow some sort of level of friendship and at least 5-10 minutes a day for a short conversation, then there is a chance to build some good friendships resembling relations.

I can compare 2 cultures and I can see how western culture is much more distant because you are often not allowed (by a manager and human unfriendly company policy) even for 2-3, never mind 5 minutes to build better relations with your colleagues even if you wanted to. You often never have an extra minute to find out who they truly are, what their hobbies and interests are to possibly find something in common.

In most places it's all never-ending work, work, work because there are always/often crazy targets and expectations to achieve.

How dare he be passive-aggressive!

I would make sure he wasn't to me and set the boundaries straight away if he is a boss or not.

I do find this forced socialising incredibly frustrating. It happens on your free time, it costs you money, you need to do it because otherwise you are seen in an unfavourable way, you don’t enjoy it and they are not paying for your time.

I think this sort of events should be stopped, even for the basic principle that they have no right to ask you to do job related “tasks” at your cost in your free time.

The fact that he becomes much worse in drink makes me fall more on the side of "Don't go". It's a shame that HR isn't an option to you, but sadly too common.

@Lana07
thanks … very interesting how you compare western & eastern culture. Yeah I need to work on my boundaries as he’s not unpleasant to everyone (but neither is he always unpleasant to me which is what can be crazymaking).

@GetThatHelmetOn
You know you’re right. It is ‘work’ . It’s sad in a way but I feel that staff morale is getting lower. I’ve definitely lost interest in trying to be the one to bolster it (I used to be … but since he’s started showing me his jerkoff side, I’m happy to take a big step back!).

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants
i think he has a drink problem all right but his drunken behaviour has improved since he met his now wife. I guess she just didn’t want to stand for it … he can still be an ass though as he was to me at the last party!

But were you really bolstering staff morale with out of work parties? Most people hate them unless they are good friends with their colleagues (or there is free food/drinks), and in these times of home and hybrid/remote working we have grown more private and less interested in spending leisure time with people we hardly know.

So don’t feel bad for stopping trying, most people wouldn’t want to be there if they could.

We have sort of pinned down ones and we rotate who organises them .. for years it was accepted that I did the organising and then it shifted on to a different person . Tbh I’m kind of tired of the charade,

and in these times of home and hybrid/remote working we have grown more private and less interested in spending leisure time with people we hardly know
I think this is particularly true. Key words: leisure time

I feel sad in a way about the fact I’m more or less trying to get out of a work social. But I also feel relief at the thoughts of not having to sit through it … oh I don’t know! Maybe PMS is clouding my better judgment

Don’t over think it. Maybe you just need a little white lie to gracefully avoid the event. 🙂

Thanks @GetThatHelmetOn

Urgh I hate work socials, for the most part they are full of people massaging each others egos and usually the majority of people there would rather be somewhere else, anywhere else in fact.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

One of my colleagues would always decline social events and would answer “I’m paid to work with you not socialise with you” as I’ve got older I realise more that she’s right. I wouldn’t go unless I really wanted to be there.

It’s weird @VeronicaFranklin how workplaces are so similar because that’s exactly what our work socials are like: ego massage and people going because they have to!

Janey @LongLiveLiz your colleague was extraordinarily blunt! She is right though, of course … can’t argue with that!

I do like some of my colleagues a lot but yeah, a whole evening/night (paying for ourselves too btw) is just too much!

I wouldn’t go unless I really wanted to be there
This is true! I don’t really want to be there (does anyone? 😅)