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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be concerned about my GF's behaviour?

65 replies

samgotti · 07/06/2022 15:10

Me (30,M) and my GF (25,F) have been together for about 3 months now. It’s been going very well for the most part and we really like spending time with each other. The intimacy is great and we are both very active, so we do a lot of fun activities together.

She works at a hospital which has a gym (among some other jobs) and she is a proper gym rat. A couple of weeks ago she said to me that her work mate said that he has a friend who fancies her. The guy who fancies her asked if she has a boyfriend and her work mate said yes. About a week later my GF comes to me and says that she has exchanged numbers with this guy who fancies her and they will have a gym session together. She said that she is being straightforward with it and she has nothing to hide and I could always check her messages if I ever wanted to. I said to her that I can not understand why a person who is in a relationship would have the need to become friends with someone who they know fancies them. She said that she thinks he’s nice, they get along well and he’s a good gym buddy and that’s the end of it.

Now fast forward a couple of weeks and she said to me that this guy asked her if the relationship she is in is serious to which she said that she is taken and in a serious relationship. From her point of view the guy is just a buddy that she exhanges messages every now and then and bumps into at the gym. I have absolutely no reason not to trust her. The guy is a) not her type and b) she is incredibly happy with me.

What bugs me is the fact that she became buddies with him even though she knew that he fancies her. From her point of view she told him that she has a boyfriend and sees no reason why they can’t be mates.

I don’t really like this situation as I think that this isn’t exactly great behavior in a relationship. But on the other hand I fully believe her that she views the guy as nothing but a buddy, but knowing that this guy fancies her just makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable. I’m not sure how to handle the situation appropriately.

OP posts:
Original poster
samgotti · 07/06/2022 18:20

I just sent her a voice message and told her if that's the behaviour she wants to bring to this relationship, then the relationship is over. I will not tolerate such behaviour.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 07/06/2022 18:25

You’ve done the right thing, op. She sounds like a drama queen and rather immature. You sound lovely, btw.

Weirdlynormal · 07/06/2022 18:25

KettrickenSmiled · 07/06/2022 17:07

She's doing far too much 'advertising' for this to be an innocent gym-buddy thing. Under the plausibly-deniable cover of "being honest & upfront" she is parading the fact that she has options: this guy fancies her, was chasing her via her friend, is pursuing her even though he knows she is attached, & asks her how serious her relationship is.

All of this was totally unnecessary information.

She swears she's not interested & that you shouldn't be worried about her loyalty.
This is a diversionary tactic - because it's not the issue.
The issue is the self-serving, attention-seeking attempt to undermine you by parading the 'buddyship' under your nose.

I would dump for this. No matter that you say it doesn't seem in her nature - abusive people don't usually show their abusive nature this early in. But she is training you up to accept a dynamic where SHE is the in-demand object of masculine attention, & YOU are left feeling insecure, but made to feel in the wrong for voicing it.

She's trying to make you play the Pick-Me Dance.
I'd tell her to get to fuck with her attention-seeking. It's shallow & disloyal.
I wouldn't give a toss who she trained with & how much they fancied her. I would feel distinctly pissed off at the amount of boasting she needs to do about it. It is an attempt to destabilise you, & such an obvious Games People Play manoeuvre I'm amazed you haven't laughed full in her face yet.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Exactly

samyeagar · 07/06/2022 18:33

Sometimes the easiest affairs to hide are the ones hidden in plain sight.

My ex-wife was rather like this. One of many reasons she is my ex-wife.

You certainly shouldn't issue an ultimatum telling her who she can and can't hang out with, be friend with, but you certainly should set boundaries for yourself.

There is a subtle difference between saying...

"I don't want you to be around this person." "You can't be friend with this person."

and...

"I can't be in a relationship where I feel disrespected by my partner."

AllAloneInThisHouse · 07/06/2022 18:41

No woman, or girl beyond age of 13 is this naive.

She’s taking both of you as a fool.

NicholJO · 07/06/2022 18:48

Seriously op she wants her cake and eat it she loves attention she would not be happy if the role was reversed your to soft tell her how you feel if she doesn't take it seriously then leave

5128gap · 07/06/2022 19:00

Its triangulation. She makes him jealous using you, and you jealous using him. He is meant to be pandering to her to get her to leave you, you are meant to be working to make sure she stays.

bookworm1982 · 07/06/2022 19:19

What did she reply to your VM, OP?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2022 19:19

This woman is a headfucker, plain & simple.

This sums it up perfectly. Run for the fucking hills, op. She's a viper in the grass.

Aprilx · 07/06/2022 19:42

samgotti · 07/06/2022 15:33

I think this might be her way of being open and honest with me. She could've told me absolutely nothing and let it all play out. On the other hand, she could've just not invited the situation in the first place, which I would have preferred.

Show quote history

She didn’t want to tell you nothing. She wants to keep you on your toes, to let you know that she has options, for you to know how lucky you are, to keep you in your place.

Her behaviour is off, I’d walk now whilst it is early days.

Original poster
samgotti · 07/06/2022 19:46

Update: my GF called me and said that she fully agrees with me and that she hadn't viewed the situation from my POV and that she will cut off contact with him.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 07/06/2022 20:00

I don’t think the contact was the main issue here. The red flags to me where the way she made sure you knew about it.

She will now be making sure everyone knows she can’t speak to guy at gym because “samglotti won’t like it, he’s so possessive over me you know”…

Justmuddlingalong · 07/06/2022 20:09

She's playing you up against each other. Congratulations, you've won...this time.

bookworm1982 · 07/06/2022 20:09

samgotti · 07/06/2022 19:46

Update: my GF called me and said that she fully agrees with me and that she hadn't viewed the situation from my POV and that she will cut off contact with him.

Good! But still... beware of this one xxx

Moretodo · 07/06/2022 20:20

I was going to post and say she would capitulate after the voice note, but you had updated and said that she had.
Having dealt with these manipulative disingenuous types its textbook.
The fake epiphany.

She genuinely didn't realise this might be destabilising to you and detrimental to the relationship?
Really?

What else won't she realise about disrespecting you and treading all over your feelings?

You are going to have to raise her like a child. And she's going to keep playing the dumb fox.

You sound healthy OP, give it another few months with this triangulating anxiety creating confusing game player and you will be seeking therapy wondering why you didn't leave at the first fuckery.

I wonder what she is telling him about you? It is not worth it.

You have been warned..

Bellyups · 07/06/2022 20:22

She loves the attention, and possibly making you insecure/jealous. My advice is to find an adult to have a relationship with.

decayingmatter · 07/06/2022 20:28

samgotti · 07/06/2022 19:46

Update: my GF called me and said that she fully agrees with me and that she hadn't viewed the situation from my POV and that she will cut off contact with him.

If I were you, this would no longer have any significance for me. It would be too late. She's already shown you that she's a manipulative, triangulating attention seeker. She will do this again.

Gettingthingsdone777 · 07/06/2022 20:43

samgotti · 07/06/2022 16:54

When I spoke to her about it and I said to her that I don't like it, she says that she understands that it makes me feel uncomfortable and she said that she could understand that if she met up with this guy outside of the gym that I could have reason to be worried. But she only sees this guy at a public gym and she likes to chat with him. But she literally spends all her free time with me, she has never given me any reason not to trust her and it might be that she likes the idea that this guy is into her, but she told him that she is in a relationship and she has communicated all of this openly with me. She put up a profile picture of us on Whatsapp because she said this guy was getting a bit too talkative and she wanted to send him a message. Of course she wouldn't have had to put up the profile picture in the first place if she hadn't invited the situation.

If she really wanted to cheat or do do anything else with this guy, then why would she have told me any of this in the first place? I would have never found out if she wouldn't have told me. I think that this is just the person that she is and my question is, whether I can accept it or not. At the end of the day I am the one sleeping with her and not this other guy. And I've seen photos of this guy and I look a lot better than him, so I'm really not worried about her doing anything with this guy. It's just her behaviour that irritates me.

It sounds pretty innocent really but very understandable why you would be annoyed.

I think one issue is she’s still quite young, she may well be naive about the sorts of signals she is “giving out” (being a normal friendly human is often enough of a signal from a woman sadly especially if she’s attractive), she may think it’s sort of rude to assume someone’s after her/expecting something to happen because they are being nice to her. She possibly thinks that because she’s been clear that’s the end of the issue.

I knew a few women like this around the same age, they were open, enthusiastic, happy to chat with whoever. They were also young and attractive and sadly, although we should live in a world were an attractive young woman isn’t automatically seen as a potential sexual partner to almost any male (you’d be shocked at some of the men who thought they had a shot), they got into to awkward situations quite frequently. Worst of all they learned to reign their natural friendliness around men, to not be too open and friendly unless they wanted the hassle of having to get rid of the eager would be suitor. The chances he would ask for her number and become firm gym buddies with her so quickly are pretty low if she was an unattractive man, but you might forgive her for thinking he just likes her company.

I think you have to be clear exactly what worries you and what you would like to happen- the second part is key. If she says no you have to accept it or move on unfortunately, but she may soon come around to your way of thinking because there’s every chance he will persist despite her being clear she’s not interested.

Sandra1984 · 07/06/2022 20:55

I believe you're making a mountain out of a molehill. She loves you, you love her and she's being completely transparent. Just let her know the whole thing makes you feel insecure, see what she has to say. Ask her how would she feel if you were working out with some girl in the gym who fancied you. Would it bother her? Maybe that will make her understand were you're coming from. Communication is a great thing.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 07/06/2022 21:58

Don't bother with the long winded insecurity angle.
Her behaviour disrespectful.
Just ghost her off.

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 22:09

This screams huge red flags to me.

Now, a kind mumsnetter linked me to your thread as I'm going through very similar right now but there's a difference we are married and have been for 4 years. (My post has just been moved on to this board )

I agree with the above comments
I wouldn't trust her im sorry. It will happen again. Get out while you can easily
I know its not easy and if you want to try then be strong. She sounds like she likes the attention ( sounds familiar here too )
Sending hugs xxxx

stepuporshutup · 07/06/2022 22:10

Op a friend of mine had this sort of (relationship) and used to tell her dh about it. She said to me if it is open and in the air dh has nothing to worry about re gossip etc. She left her dh and dc to live with this man. Dump her now

Ihatethenewlook · 07/06/2022 22:19

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2022 19:19

This woman is a headfucker, plain & simple.

This sums it up perfectly. Run for the fucking hills, op. She's a viper in the grass.

I was going for manipulative, two faced bitch. Acting like butter wouldn’t melt all while stringing these men along. She knows what she’s doing! 🙄

Oldfilmsareshit · 07/06/2022 22:19

Are you sure you’re 30? This sounds like a teenage relationship

ahsan · 07/06/2022 22:36

Id dump her. She isnt respecting boundaries and is basically taking the piss. If she was loyal she wouldnt have taken the guys number in the first place. I would dump, she will see him in the gym again then either tell you or not bother. The relationship seems dead to me she will leave you for this man so id dump her first as spending time with him is leading to what exactly it isnt innocent sorry