Help me figure out what to do

[whattodowhat]

Name changed but have been here a while.

I need help. I need to hear from people who have chosen to remain in a less-than-perfect marriage for the sake of their kids.

At the moment I'm not sure whether to stay or go but my gut says stay until DC are older.

I don't really want to go into the reasons behind all this, but there is no abuse. Just unhappiness. Or maybe my idea of marriage is different to his.

Has anyone chosen to stay in a marriage for the sake of their DC? How is it working for you? Is it a decision you made with your OH or something it just evolved into? Has it been worth it for your kids?

Need some love today 😔

If you are able to explain how your unhappiness will benefit your children?

Hi OP. Couldn't read and run. I personally chose to leave. I think a lot of that was because my parents 'stayed Together for the kids'. I don't thank them. Its what people did then. But i grew up in a household where
My parents clearly didnt love each other and were unhappy. Children are very perceptive. I noticed my friends parents laughing and holding hands and enjoying meals and
Holidays together. There were no more
Arguments then the average family or
Violence or abuse. But it was all a bit chilly.

They are now in retirement. Mum regrets it. There is no companionship. Caring for someone who you dont love is challenging as you age. Also they stayed for me but ironically that has placed enormous burden on me to 'make them happy' as they dont make each other happy. And now i offer
Emotional support and company to both as they dont have it together.

Ultimately i wish my parents had done whatever they needed to do to be happy. It has to be better then this. What a waste of life.

Just one perspective. There are many others I know.

My mum and dad stayed together for a decade longer than they should have. They didn’t scream at each other, but were constantly picking at each other. I grew up thinking I didn’t want a marriage like that. Now they’re divorced they get on fantastically well.

I stayed for 11 years for the sake of my DD thinking it would be easier to leave when she's older ... what a mistake.
I lost so many years being unhappy but more importantly I think my DD would've adjusted easier if she had been younger. When I left I didn't put an arrangement in place with the ex to see our DD because she was older and had her own voice, however I didn't consider that the ExH would assert his control over her instead of me. This has made it incredibly difficult and in hindsight I'd left when she was younger I definitely would have had an arrangement in place that would've been easier for all.
I wish you well & hope you find the happiness & contentment you deserve

Just what I was afraid of hearing I guess. I guess the biggest part of staying with him is he has an awful relationship with his parents, which at the moment I can control. They are toxic and he sees this, so I'm able to keep my DC away from it. But if we split I know the first thing he'll do is run back to his folks and in his time with DC he'll take them with him, and I won't be able to protect them from his utterly awful family. The effects of their doings are still visible in him, he's been a therapy a while and I can't allow this to happen to my DC, which I know it will if I leave.

The other thing is losing my DC for 50% of the time. How do I live without them that long?

This is, I guess, what is hope for. For us to coparent smoothly. But I don't know if I trust him enough

I did.
I regret it.
We did split eventually, but it should have been 10 years earlier.
I an sotmrry you are in this situation

Why did you stay? Why do you regret it?

How old are the DC?

Will it definitely be 50/50? Is his work suitably flexible for him to do school and nursery drop offs and clubs swimming lessons etc. As true 50/50 means 50% of grunt work reading books and vegetables and 50% of fun times. Also depends on age of kids.

In terms of learning to be without your children. Takes a while. But it eases over the years. I use the time to food shop, meal
Prep, do chores and life admin. Meaning when my kids are here i have brainspace and am fun and available and not stressed. As time progresses i have used the time
To successfully kick start my career, a social life and a love life. I think i Am a better more loving tolerant parent then the wired stressed fraught sad one i was before. I also don't
See their father as less then which helps. He is as entitled to be with them as
I am.

My DC is 7 and very close with their dad

How did your kids cope through this? How old were they and how did you explain it to them?

You shouldn't just stay in an unhappy marriage. But you should make sure you've explored every possible way of fixing it before you give up on it.

Do you think that he would actually bother with having his children half the week?. Does he really bother with them now?.

Re your comment
"I guess the biggest part of staying with him is he has an awful relationship with his parents, which at the moment I can control. They are toxic and he sees this, so I'm able to keep my DC away from it. But if we split I know the first thing he'll do is run back to his folks and in his time with DC he'll take them with him, and I won't be able to protect them from his utterly awful family"

Again this is really no reason or basis for staying with him and if you think you can control his relationship with his parents anyway then you are wrong. How far away are you from his parents and how often does he see them in any event with or without the kids?.

Your children are also going to come across people, not just relatives, who will be nasty to them and their best defence here is you. Your calm, steady and responsible influence on them will hold them in good stead; after all they are looking to your good judgment.

Talking of your children what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. As for staying for the sake of the kids, well whose sake are you really staying for?. Theirs really, or perhaps more likely your own?. Living in such mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright. Therefore it's no legacy to be leaving them and it won't be easier for you to leave when they are older because you will also be more worn down (how old would they be then?). Waiting for the children to say go off to college or university and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth. Divorce is not failure OP, living like you are proposing to do here is.

Better to be from a so called broken home also than to remain in one.

""Just what I was afraid of hearing I guess. I guess the biggest part of staying with him is he has an awful relationship with his parents, which at the moment I can control. They are toxic and he sees this, so I'm able to keep my DC away from it. But if we split I know the first thing he'll do is run back to his folks and in his time with DC he'll take them with him, and I won't be able to protect them from his utterly awful family. The effects of their doings are still visible in him, he's been a therapy a while and I can't allow this to happen to my DC, which I know it will if I leave.

The other thing is losing my DC for 50% of the time. How do I live without them that long?""

Your solicitor will support you with this in the child arrangements you make. Your time doesn't need to be 50/50 & if you have clear evidence of the family's impact (eg your husband having counseling) this will support your case for your children to have no / minimal contact.

Your arrangements are not what suits you or your husband but what is in the best interest for the children.

I would recommend you seek some legal advice, get a free consultation with a good solicitor & you will have a better idea of what your options are.

Thank you all. It seems the general consensus is I'm out of my mind and not doing the right thing for my DC or myself.

I've contacted a therapist. I feel like I need to talk some things out to get things out of my head and need help figuring it all out before I make any decisions.

@mug2018 thank you, this is very practical advice and I will keep this in mind. My DC are very close with their father so I've no intention of keeping him from them but I also see that 50/50 might not been in the best interests of my DC. There is also previous (possibly until very recently) drug abuse and a jail sentence a few years ago. Are these things recent enough to still be valid?

Hi op , I am feeling the same, I really want to leave but also worried about what the future looks like, I was always told don't stay in a marriage for the kids, but it's very hard , hope u are OK, I worry about where h will go, how do people work this part out ? We don't have 2 houses

Right here with you. I feel like I need to figure these things out before I even speak to him about making it happen.

Feel free to DM me if you need a chat x

Mine were similar age to yours and younger. I'd agree in many ways the younger the better as younger kids are very adaptable. Therapy is a great idea to work it through and feel confident about your decisions.
The conversation to tell the DC is the worse conversation i have ever had. But within weeks they settled when they could see we were still there for them and they still saw us both and still ate the same food and did their clubs and saw their friends.
I think we worded it like 'mummy and daddy have decided to be friends now not a boyfriend and girlfriend any more. So daddy will be moving to a new house later today and you can go round tomorrow and see your new bedroom there'.

You have to dig in for a tough year mentally but its about the end goal and not the short term.

I am happy. My ex is happy and the kids are happy.

i absolutely think people should never stay in unhappy relationships for their children. 1) it makes both or 1 parent unhappy & life is for living & being happy - a happy parent makes a happy child& 2) it doesn’t teach children about good, healthy relationships, they’re not daft & pick up on everything & so are more likely to ‘put up’ with things they shouldn’t in future. 2 happy, desperate parents in my view are better role models.

is there a way to fix the problem with couples counselling if you want to stay together? Do you still love each other & want to make it work?

lastly, would the reality be that it would be 50/50 access? Does he have a job/home that would enable this?

Do you and he have a good relationship? Do you trust him to raise your kids in the way you do?

@StarDolphins we've had counselling before following a 12 month separation (following major drug abuse which resulted in debt) Things did improve, then he went to jail.

The problem is I don't think he loves me. I think he's just staying for DC, though he'd never admit it, and I'm confused whether I still love him or whether I'm just in too deep to let go or I just don't want to start over. Although I'm realising that even though I'm a mum I'm also a person who deserves to be happy.

I don't know if it would be 50/50 but I know that's what he would be after and I'm not sure I'd have the strength to fight this, even though I'd prefer it wasn't 50/50. Plus DC would suffer, they adore their dad.

He has a FT job, as do I. We have plenty of flexibility at work so that isn't a problem but we'd struggle with only having one car. Plus no savings so no idea how we'd manage.

I just read about 'birdnesting' where kids stay in the house and the parents alternate - any thoughts?

@whattodowhat what is your house situation? Do you rent/own, could you manage to financially live separately?

I stayed with my ex longer than I should, I deliberated for far too long as I didn’t want my DD to not have her family unit but eventually I was brave & I’ve never looked back (my ex, although not a bad person, was not enhancing my life & I could see he would eventually damage my little girls personality which in turn would make her unable to cope with life) he was bad- tempered(shouted at my DD when she fell instead of consoling her to the point of her apologising when she fell☹️) very negative, & many other things. I could’ve easily stayed & put up with it for the sake of my DD who despite everything loved him very much. But I looked deeper & into the future & I didn’t want her spirit damaging, nor did I want mine damaged & staying would’ve done that so I followed my gut instinct.

you deserve to be happy & loved - children adapt & if Mummy &Daddy provide 2 separate stable, loving homes this will be so much better than 1 unstable home.

my ex wanted 50/50 but that soon faded, work came first so she sees him a couple of times a week & after the initial’getting used to her new normal’ I would say she’s now largely happy & ok.

if you can afford & make it work, please try & split fully & keep your independence - I think sharing a house would be both confusing & messy. I feel for you💕 but you deserve to be happy.

@StarDolphins we each own a 1/4 share of our house with my dad owning the other 50% as he helped us buy it. No mortgage

Yes I think I could manage financially if we separated. I'm starting a new role next week which is a secondment but a step up, they've just called me to say a permanent role is coming up and they want me to apply for it, so it's pretty much mine if I want it

I'm not worried about me in the long run. I'm happy in my own company and I don't 'need' him, I know I'll be fine.

My heart hurts for my DC and I don't know how to handle that. What if they can't cope? I know kids are resilient but still.

I'm also not sure their father could handle being on his own but I guess that shouldn't be my worry

@whattodowhat unless you’re nearing 80 then you still have a big chick of your life left & your DC has his life too. If there has drug abuse previously with your DP & he’s in therapy & the fact you aren’t even sure he loves you then this will long- term affect your child. If you’re unhappy then your child will know this, they are learning everything from us.

everyone has a different situation but I decided after much soul searching that I would be happier away from my then partner and therefore my DD would be happier in the long run and I’m absolutely sure she will grow up a better person than if we’d stayed together.

unless you sort the problems with your partner to ensure a loving, stable home where mummy & daddy love each other, respect each other & are generally happy, - rather than just ‘pretending’ it’s going to have a negative effect on him!

only you can decide your future but please don’t sell yourself short - you sound lovely & a great mum💐

Sorry, lots of typos in there, I haven’t got my glasses on🤣