Help me figure out what to do

[whattodowhat]

Name changed but have been here a while.

I need help. I need to hear from people who have chosen to remain in a less-than-perfect marriage for the sake of their kids.

At the moment I'm not sure whether to stay or go but my gut says stay until DC are older.

I don't really want to go into the reasons behind all this, but there is no abuse. Just unhappiness. Or maybe my idea of marriage is different to his.

Has anyone chosen to stay in a marriage for the sake of their DC? How is it working for you? Is it a decision you made with your OH or something it just evolved into? Has it been worth it for your kids?

Need some love today 😔

Yes i do trust him. Do i agree with every decision he makes? No. But I didn't when we were together either.

You do spend a lot of the first few months on edge and anxious as the trust builds and gets tested. They feel the same. Will you take them away or stop them seeing them. But the trust has built and hes now a more
Reliable parent then when we were together.

I thought it was best for the children.

With hindsight, I think I was wrong.

I have similar situation with toxic PIL - he and they didn't speak for years and only resumed a relationship because I said he needed to just get talking to them again or the kids would miss out on having a relationship with their grandparents (they already had a close relationship with mine but I felt it was unfair to exclude his parents). I doubt very much his parents know it was me who persuaded him to resume contact, ans I have no doubt that if the kids were younger, his parents would be saying very negative things about me. So I get exactly what you say about your worries about the PIL.

Would your OH absolutely want to have the kids 50/50? When it comes down to it, a lot of men don't. Mine made the right noises but we ended up with them going to his for just one night a week.

Thank you - a vote of confidence from a stranger works wonders. I think soul searching is what I need here. I've managed to book a therapy session this Friday, hopefully she'll help me find some answers before I decide what's next

This makes total sense and actually has helped calm my nerves a little. We'd have to rebuild based on a different sort of relationship ship and that takes tine

@comfortablyfrumpy I think he'd do the same thing, make all the noises, make sure he's seen to be doing the right thing. I'd hope he would keep his word but he doesn't do that now so I don't suppose that would change. That would be harsh on my DC though, they'd be heartbroken all over again although I'd love having them with me 6/7 nights

From my perspective as a child of parents who stayed together “for the kids”, I wish they hadn’t. What I picked up on was the lack of love.

They muddled along together, no big arguments but I always sensed a distance between them – I never saw them kissing or showing affection/hugs. This translated in my adult life as “relationships and marriage are emotionless” and “…just so long as you don’t hate each other it’ll work”.

In adulthood I find it really difficult to show affection because somewhere deep seated within me has never learned that, never seen that between my primary caregivers. I, as a child, got plenty of love and affection which now translates to “yes, show love and affection to children, but not adults”.

Don’t teach your kids that.

Thanks all. I'm taking some time to figure out what the hell I want, with the help of a counsellor. DH has stepped up a little the last couple of days, really got his tail between his legs and cooked me dinner last night. Think the counsellor thing shook him up. Appreciate all of you who responded it's really given me a lot to think about. Thank you ❤️