Relationship OCD - please help me get rid

[Painintheass22]

After months and months of absolutely drilling my loving partner to death over the tiniest little things...draining him and myself, I now know what I have is called relationship OCD.

I honestly am physically and mentally drained with these intrusive thoughts. ‘Is he cheating, does he love me, am I making a mistake being with him and I’m wasting my life’.

Has anyone else experienced this and got help? 😢

My partner has OCD and the only thing that helps is accepting the thoughts, whatever they're about. If you try and get to the root of the thoughts, or if you're responding to the thoughts with anything other than a mental shrug, you will be strengthening the loop of thought -> compulsion -> more thoughts.

The compulsive aspect of ROCD can take many forms, including following the thought (e.g. "oh god, if we break up I'll have to find somewhere to live by myself"), checking your physical response to the thought (e.g. do I feel anxious when I think about breaking up? If I don't feel anxious that's a bad sign), asking for reassurance, and so on. I know it's really difficult to accept the thoughts (and to sit with the anxiety), and it may not feel like it's working, but it will help decrease your anxiety over time.

One thing that has helped for my partner and me is learning how to talk about OCD without always talking about the thoughts. So he might tell me that his OCD is bad today, but he won't say "I'm having thoughts that you might hate me", or whatever it is that he's having thoughts about. This might be something you and your partner want to try - it's much less stressful for me, as I know generally how he's feeling but not any upsetting details.

Remember: your thoughts are just thoughts, they do not always reflect reality. Everyone has thoughts that are intrusive or upsetting, but people who don't have OCD just shrug these thoughts off most of the time, or think "huh, that was a weird thought". If you have OCD it is like having a fire alarm that goes off every time you put some bread in the toaster; the alarm is there to keep you safe but is far too sensitive and is being a nuisance, rather than reflecting actual risk to you. Once you know this it's far easier to ignore the alarm!

There are some really good resources online - you can find a lot of helpful things on Google. However, be careful with this - Googling ROCD/your feelings can be a compulsion, and can feed the anxiety.

You might want to try accessing professional support for OCD, but if you do make sure that you are seeing someone who is an expert in OCD, as bad therapy can be much worse than just self-help.

I hope you are able to find some support that works for you. Take care

Thank you so much for ur reply. Really appreciate it. I desperately need help with it. And quick.

Anxious attachment can look like this.

I’m exactly the same as you right now OP, I’ve always had OCD, it used to be about hurting my nearest and dearest, then it was about my health and just recently it’s relationship OCD, it’s so so draining I absolutely sympathise with you. The only thing that has ever worked is exactly what the above poster says.

You need to stop asking your partner if he loves you, if he’s cheating etc, because it’s feeding your OCD and making the thoughts worse. When you sit with the thoughts and the accompanying anxiety you’re de sensitising yourself from it, what you’re doing by seeking reassurance from your DP is feeding the vicious circle

Thought
Anxiety “omg what if he’s cheating”
Reassurance seeking
Feel better when DP says he loves you
Rinse and Repeat.

So you need to break that cycle and it’s not easy at all. I’m in the eye of this storm myself and it’s so so so so hard 🙏

I could have written your post. I think something, such as...is he cheating? I then worry whether its a gut feeling or 'just' anxiety because how the hell does someone woth anxiety and OCD tell the difference??! I (hate myself for this) have snooped in the past and then convinced myself it's proof, I then drive everyone mad by keep asking them what it means, what could it mean, they reply, I relax, then my mind thinks, oh but they don't know that bit, so I go back and tell them, they say its still fine, I relax, then my mind twists it again- seriously, im still banging on about something from 5 years ago!!. Eventually they get fed up with me!!! I had intrusive thoughts around my eldest when she was a baby (she's 20 now) then it went to health ocd and in particular DVT, and now it's ROCD. My mind is a torture chamber. The compulsion to snoop is huge, but I'm trying to let things go at the moment as I've learnt that lesson, that things can be misconstrued this way and it's easy to read into things if you go looking with a particular mindset.

Op what has been said above is true, reassurance seeking feeds the obsessions, you get a quick blast of relief which feels great, but then the next thought comes, it is like a drug. The cure really is to not give into trying to analyse or soothe the thoughts, just let them be. I was told to imagine my racing random thoughts as people clambering in to a bus, visualise the bus filling up and then watch it drive off. Do this everytime a thought starts to take a hold. Do something to break the thought, imagine a huge balloon and what colour it is, then as you breathe out, imagine you're filling the balloon up with another colour. One other thing she got me to do was to write the situation down, what evidence you have to back it up, then rate your anxiety level out of 10. Next, try to think of an alternative explanation you can think of for the evidence, ie another perspective that is plausible that means the evidence isn't what it looks like, and then rate your anxiety again.

I nearly lost my relationship to this, its a bit easier now, but the therapy I started before lockdown helped. Unfortunately the lady I was seeing stopped during Covid and I haven't had the strength to pick it back up yet
Good luck

You need proper, professional help OP.

The gold standard, most effective treatment for OCD is Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy.

If you're in the UK you can access it on the NHS. You can self-refer. Just google your town/city and IAPT and you'll find your local service. You can usually just ring them and self-refer or do it online.

Don't delay. There may be a waiting list but it's worth doing. If you can afford it you can go private, just make sure you search for CBT therapists and then check that they're on the register and are properly accredited (it's the BABCP CBT register). Lots of counsellors say they offer CBT when they're not properly trained in it, and OCD is something that requires proper, professional training to treat safely.

You're not alone with this and help is out there.

Thank you everyone for ur helpful replies.

l’m completely at a loss and it’s absolutely breaking my heart. I just need to stop it and it gives me comfort knowing it can be helped. I just need it and quick. I’m actually seeing a therapist at the moment regarding other issues, death etc. We have touched on the subject of my relationship and why I go on why I do. I started to think I had ADHD but now I have completely hit the nail on the head. It’s relationship ocd.

My loving partner is very open and honest how much he wants a simple life, no drama. And I constantly complicate it for absolutely no reason. He deserves nothing but good things in life and I want to be the one who gives it to him. He came out of a absolutely horrendous marriage years ago with a very bad woman. It just drives me insane when I go off on one.

@Painintheass22 hey OP, I have OCD too and I used to suffer from this particular type. I have drove away boyfriends in the past because I never got help with my behaviour (plus I never knew it was ROCD I had) because I would convince myself there were issues, keep asking for reassurance/confirmation, dig into things that didn't exist etc.

ALL my partners said the same as you! They wanted a simple life with no drama, we never had any issues other than me doing this. I've never dealt with cheating, lying etc - it was all down to my behaviour.

I know the NHS isn't the best at the minute, but if you look online, there is a website called Impulse Therapy. I paid a one of fee of like $49.99 (this was in American dollars so it was cheaper in pounds) and it's a self help course. It was made by therapists and the founder was a guy who was suffering with OCD. You can take a test, choose your type of OCD and you will get the self help course for your particular OCD - mines is Magical Thinking OCD and my course is only about that and how to help it.

I am overseas so can't see a doctor atm - if it doesn't work, I think you can request a refund. Just if you don't want to wait!

I also went to therapy for years during my relationships thinking I had just plain anxiety, and only one therapist out of 3 touched on the fact my thinking was very OCD. It wasn't until now I realised how much I suffer with it.

The articles on this website are great drmichaeljgreenberg.com/a-simple-explanation-of-ocd/

You’re not alone OP. I can’t stop thinking about my partners hand size and forehead wrinkles. It sounds funny but it’s exhausting.

Not sure if helpful but my wife has almost identical behaviours and it so difficult to deal with. Seeking help is the best option, even friends who understand or family who can give balance. I think thats key. Partners reassurance doesn't work from my experience, it simply kicks the can down the road to the next topic. Over analysis of events, some partners cant remember can maybe be controlled with behavioural therapy ? and I hope all the info online helps you. It can be really difficult and unfortunately we are too late to save.

@Tarttlet i have just figured out how to tag people individually 🙈 big hugs to your partner and to u. You seem so understanding. It’s dreadful. Have ur partner seeked professional help or is he on meds? I just want to get rid of it and quickly. My poor partner. It’s just not right.

@ADHDgirls big hugs to you also. I know I need to stop it, but I can’t. We have crisis talks about twice a week and it should not be this way. I promise to him I will stop the obsessing then something else sets me off. I only have figured out over the last couple of days what it is exactly. I knew something wasn’t right....I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Now I know. Do u think it can be cured with the right help? Hurting our nearest and dearest...:yip. My partner is the most loving man I could ever meet. He would do anything for me. And I love him dearly and he loves me. I need to change

@Sausagelove yes I definitely have this too. Bad combination 😞

@booboo24 like you...I literally could have written ur reply too. I’ve snooped too and I’m not proud, I take my partners phone on a daily basis and go through absolutely everything. It’s just not right. It’s a complete invasion of his privacy. Afterwards I feel so guilty...but yet I do it again and again. I just want to be normal, I don’t want to be like this anymore. He loves me dearly and tells me to please stop the accusations and the constant talk of cheating. I am at my wits end. I’m driving him away and it’s no wonder. If it was roles reversed I would find it very difficult. I then drive everyone mad by keep asking them what it means, what could it mean, they reply, I relax, then my mind thinks, oh but they don't know that bit, so I go back and tell them, they say its still fine, I relax, then my mind twists it again- seriously, im still banging on about something from 5 years ago!!. Eventually they get fed up with me!!! this is me too. It all makes sense now, I’ve done this as years to friends and drove so many away. I still do it now, I go on and on and on about something.
My mind is also a torture chamber. Do u take meds? Do u think it can be cured?

@KingofLoss thanks for ur helpful reply. Appreciate it more than u will ever know. I do need help. Or I will drive my loved ones away and end up a very lonely person. I am actually a really lovely person with a massive heart. I have a loving partner and loving children. My life should be good...other messy scenarios in background but they are manageable. My life should be good but I over complicate it shocking. My partner just can’t believe it. I’m crying even writing this. I am drained.

As an OCD sufferer myself- this is SPOT ON advice 💖

I didn’t know this was a thing. What a relief to find out it has a name, and it’s not just me.

I’m sorry for everyone who suffers from this, it’s awful. Thank you for sharing your stories.

Sorry I haven’t got replying to the rest of the PP, I will later. Had an awful night. Racing thoughts and anxiety was the worse it’s been as long time.

I need to give in and go on medication for sure. Over the years I’ve been prescribed them, took for a few days and stopped, thinking ‘this is scary, what if these make me worse, I will trying walking instead’

no. I need something for sure. I can’t go on like this!

Citralopram?

OCD generally can’t be cured but it can be managed and the symptoms can get better and easier to deal with.

When I first got OCD at 21 (37 now) it was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced, my daughter was 2 at the time and I was having intrusive thoughts about harming her. I was at a&e begging to be admitted to hospital because of it, it was only a lovely psychotherapist provided by the old sure start service who made the diagnosis and opened my eyes to it, gradually exposure therapy helped but it was rough. I also took fluoxetine. I got past it, I still have random intrusive thoughts about the same thing but I’ve learnt to live with them now.

Then I started with the health OCD, still bad with it now but able to manage the thoughts, still unpleasant.

Right now ROCD is absolutely ruining me, it’s all I think about from the moment I wake up and it’s harder to use exposure therapy with it, because what are you exposing yourself to? At least with the harming people one you can expose yourself to being around them alone or with knives etc for periods of time and gradually it gets better but is so so so hard to begin with. I don’t know the answer here, I’m seeing a therapist myself, I went back on fluoxetine but this time it was 12 weeks and my OCD was intolerable so I weaned off.

I honestly feel your pain right now <3

So sorry to hear this. It’s gut wreaching. It’s in my head from I wake til i go to sleep too. It’s just not fair. I’m going to absolutely ruin my life if I don’t get the right help.

did the medication not help?

I need intervention of some sort. I was going to try citropalm.

@ADHDgirls I found this article really helpful, it moves away from exposure therapy and more into the theory behind OCD - that everyone has a “core fear” and this drives their OCD. That rumination isn’t actually intrusive thoughts or obsession, rumination is compulsion - you compulsively ruminate to try to reduce anxiety and solve the fear. I’ve contacted the UK based therapist they recommended me - I have a consult on Monday so I’ll let you know how it goes drmichaeljgreenberg.com/the-core-fear/

Interesting.
Never new it had a name.
Glad that you have had lots of helpful replies on here.
I often repeat to myself 'thoughts are not facts' as I think one of the first posters is saying. It helps.

Hi op, yes in answer to your question, I've been prescribed Citalopram but the side effects sounded like they would bring on the very things that trigger my health anxiety (seriously!) I am at the point of asking for some more though as I can't carry on like this.

@Purplepeople12 im so nervous about taking them tomorrow. I’ve been described different ones before...took for a couple of days and stopped. All day I’ve spent googling should I or shouldn’t I take them. But hey ho that’s my anxiety making me overthink and question absolutely EVERYTHING! I’m going to try them because anything is better than feeling this shit!

@Painintheass22 That's brilliant, I'm glad you're doing this, you may also be helping me to do the same, I am struggling to get a Dr appointment at the moment though at all! Best of luck with them, I really hope you can feel some improvement (remember it won't be straight away and you sometimes feel a bit more agitated in the first few weeks before your system gets used to them). Keep me posted with how you're doing x

I’ve signed up for CBT off the back of this thread. Thanks, everyone.