Stupid crush, bloody miserable.

[EvenPhilip]

I'm a married woman, probably not had a 'crush' since school, but have a terrible one on someone I see at work every couple of weeks.
He is very friendly and one of my customers commented that he was flirting with me when he last came in. He overheard a conversation I was having about something and the following week bought me a small gift associated with it.
Every time he walks in I get worse, I could feel my heart racing this week 🙄I'm so embarrassed even writing this.
I'm obviously not going to act on it but I'm so bloody miserable thinking about him all the time.
How long do these things last ? I'm wondering if it's some last hurrah of my peri menopausal self?

Ask yourself how you'd feel if your dh was like this over another woman?
Do you want to act on it?

I know how you feel. It's exciting at first but then becomes all consuming and when you know it can't go anywhere It's actually not a very nice experience. It does pass though. I still see him from time to time but not as much now.

A few years ago I think my dh had a bit of a thing about someone, it caused me a lot of upset, but he denied anything was going on.
Do I want to act on it..yeah but no 🙄

He's your coworker?

No not a co-worker, I'm in hospitality he's a customer.

I mean, it's a totally human thing to have a crush. But real life crushes are dangerous if you let them consume you, which it sounds like you are. Are you close with your dh? Do you do things together, still having sex?

I had a crush on someone who shared a hobby and I saw him once a week. Then suddenly I looked at him and realised that actually if I was out and saw him in a pub that I probably wouldn't look twice at him. Think I was just going through a bad patch in my relationship. We're friends still but I no longer think of him in that way. Imagine the look on your dhs face if you had an affair and how you would feel if he found out, that very second when he confronts you. Then youll know. The customer may only only want a fling and look at what you could lose. Its great for your ego but a lot is at stake.

Your brain has been getting a rush every time you think of him and it's making you associate thoughts of him with happiness and escapism.

Every time you find your mind drifting to him think of something really sad or awful. Something unattractive about him, something embarrassing that happened together, think of something that would make you feel mortified or repulsed and associate it with him. Don't indulge the thoughts. Find another crush, someone safe like a celebrity and immerse yourself into them. Put his gift somewhere out of sight. Pick up a new hobby or project, get busy and distracted with other stuff. Try to avoid seeing him and keep chat to a minimum if possible.

@DickVanDyke26 I think you're right, I'm just going to have to go with it not being a very nice feeling and hope it goes away.
Found a picture of him on line yesterday which didn't help, amazing bod 😳

@DickVanDyke26 I think you're right, I'm just going to have to go with it not being a very nice feeling and hope it goes away.
Found a picture of him on line yesterday which didn't help, amazing bod 😳

Don't go looking him up online. Just stop.

I really appreciate all your feedback, I was terrified you'd give me a hard time.
My relationship with my dh is ok but sex is an issue.
I wouldn't want to betray him ever, so I'll take all your advice on-board and hope it all goes away.

I think you and your DH need to work on your sex life. Much better in the long run than falling for a crush

You definitely need to try to get the sex life back in a good place. I totally believe that if you are having good sex together then everything else follows.

I used to get very intense crushes in my first marriage. Never acted on them but it became consuming for a period. Since being with my second husband (10 years now) I haven't had one. We are very affectionate and have a good sex life. I can see now that my crushes in my first marriage were caused by unmet needs in the relationship, causing me to develop 'safe' ways to meet those needs if that makes sense

Have you thought about seeing a therapist to talk this through?

Your relationship is 'ok'. Jeezo. Listen I'm all fir marriage but if you're bored out your skull and someone votes along that makes you feel alive again then maybe it's an indication that it might be time to reconsider the marriage.

You only get one life and ok, maybe it can't all be sunshine and rainbows and butterfly feelings but...I think if I was you and someone asked me how my marriage was and I didn't sant to say 'fucking fantastic, we have the odd issue but I love him to bits. As much as when I married him' then I'd put 2 and 2 together and start looking to separate.

And then once an appropriate amount of time had passed, I'd see if Mr hot bod fancied a tumble. Life is short, either crack on with it or wither and fade, s'up to you.

I mean I would have said maybe try to get your sex life back in place and that'll draw your attention back to hubby. But for an 'ok' relationship, pft, nah, you're probably done shagging for a reason.

Use it as a chance to work on your marriage and improve it. You love your husband but the sex life is not great which is why the grass looks even greener on the other side. It isn't.

If you were 100% happy in your marriage you would still have a flash of excitement in someone attractive flirting or taking an interest in you but that would be it.

You are on the slippery slope of turning him into something he is not and are envisaging excitement and romance when all it will lead to is heartache and hurt if you act upon your lustful feelings.

Turn to your husband to discuss what you can both do to have a more fulfilling marriage.

Crushes occur when there is a vacuum to fill in your relationship. I was in a similar position nearly 30 years ago, didn't realise my marriage had gone stale, acted on the crush (knowing it would only ever be a fling) and eventually divorced my husband as I realised what was missing between us (and felt too guilty to stay tbh). So, take a long hard look at your marriage and decide whether this guy is worth unsettling it.

Fucking hell, this isn't going away.
I'm so bloody miserable.

@EvenPhilip - ah sweetheart. It’s a total killer, isn’t it? I’ve namechanged to reply to you. I had (well, still have to a lesser degree) an absolutely enormous crush on a married male friend of ours, and to make matters worse, the feeling was mutual.

Nothing happened, but god, it hurts. It felt like enormous chemistry and attraction- obviously if we were single we’d fall into bed, but we are married with kids. I don’t think either of us is ‘unhappily’ married either - this whole thing certainly took me by surprise, and neither of us want to destroy our marriages. In short, I think we’ve just accepted the attraction will always be there and we avoid any situations where we’re alone etc. it has already simmered down, hopefully it will for you too.

I've been there and it damn near broke up two marriages, we had a very strong attraction to each other and I really thought for a while he was my soulmate. In reality it was a trauma bond, we were both triggering each others past trauma, really powerful, really sexy and really unhealthy.

Also learned from a mutual friend of his wife that he was distant, controling, moody and very critical in the marriage and I'm not stupid enough to think he wouldn't go the same way with me over time. He was triggering my past patterns / early experiences and I was vulnerable due to being in a period of disconnection with my husband, luckily I got a grip of myself before anything happened.

Still here, getting worse.
He's written me letters, picked me flowers from his garden.
I'm a stone + lighter with the stress of it.
I'm fucking miserable if I don't see him.

Just know it will pass in time and discourage it and get interested in other things in the meantime. Not easy, but it will. Whatever you do, act professionally at all times and avoid him if at all possible.