Coke...i'm not even sure I know this man

[OhHeckNotAgain]

I met a man a few months ago and have grown really fond of him. Initially I loved his personality, i'm drawn to people who think deeply and have a bit of passion for something so it was a refreshing change from some of the idiots i've met. But then he admitted he takes coke, not knowing much about it myself I turned a blind eye, thought it was occasional. It turns out it's a huge problem, this has come from him so he isn't in denial about it.
His behaviour is erratic, he blows hot and cold but he's never nasty.
I'm questioning everything now, the initial spark between us, how he was so keen on me. I dont know if I should just walk away. I suppose what i'm asking is how does coke change a person? When he's on it he's warm, chatty, funny, and happy i'm around, we have long intense conversations and a lot of laughs. But is that the real him? For instance, i'm a warm loving person but i'm very shy and awkward, if I have a drink i'm more confident but i'm still me.
For the record, I dont approve of it and i've never touched anything myself but I do understand addiction and how hard it is. I know it doesn't automatically mean someone is a bad person. Would I be crazy to even contemplate sticking around? He is a genuinely nice person, that much I do know but i'm unsure how he feels about me because he's so up and down. I dont know which is the real him.

At least you found out early on

I would definitely be out of there. Sorry.

Get rid of him,it does change them in bad ways...nothing good can come from this x

Run away very very fast. The erratic behaviour and blowing hot/cold will damage your mental health and self esteem.

Don't bother, save yourself from this getting worse, men that are hot/cold are never truly wanting a relationship, only when it suits them. The drugs are stupid immature behaviour, which is going to make his behaviour even worse, bet he's bit of player as well, doesn't sound like a decent guy.

I know a few people who are long term coke users and it absolutely does not change your personality for the better - they are all, to a man, paranoid egocentrics.

I would also argue that it's almost impossible to have deep conversations with a coke head, which makes me wonder how familiar you are with that kind of conversation. I don't mean that in a mean way, but when people mention that someone they like is a "deep thinker" I do always thinks Are they? Are they really? Or have they just touched on a topic you've never really thought about before and are presenting it to you as though they've just read Kierkegaard in the original? Because there's a huge crossover with "Deep thinker" and "Paranoid conspiracy theorist"

And I know this will sound massively holier-than-thou, but as I've got older ( I dabbled with drugs in my youth in a pretty unthinking way) I can't be on board in any way with people who don't give a shit about the human cost of lives that are affected along the way with most drugs in terms of trafficking, poverty, violence etc. It's a real deal breaker for me now how so many people minimise the human cost of " just a couple of lines/a cheeky joint"

Would you consider getting into a relationship with a heroin addict, or alcoholic? I suspect the answer would be no. This is no different. There is only ever one priority in an addicts life. Financial, physical and mental ruin are bedfellows of coke addiction. Does that sound like the basis of a happy relationship?

You are all, of course right. I think I got swept up in all of it and fell for him a little (or a lot). I've been single for a while, a few dates but noone I really felt i'd connected with and he was so different, so nice, warm, interesting, like he actually liked me as a person, he was very keen.

He's confused me a lot as he will literally say one thing one minute and something completely different the next. He blows hot and cold all the time. We used to send a few texts a day when we arent together, some nights we'll have a coversation and he'll keep it going, other nights he'll disappear and I wont get a reply for a day. He just said he gets depressed and cant face talking to people. I accepted that as I know he's had problems with it before. He's never nasty but when i've mentioned his confusing behaviour and how it makes me feel he very firmly tells me he's done nothing wrong, that he's never made me any promises. He doesn't even seem to see it. I've blamed myself a lot, thought perhaps i'm too clingy or read too much into us but from what some of you have said, it appears it wasn't a real connection anyway, what I thought he was feeling?

When it starts like that it never ends well.

Detach and disperse from the relationship.

Read my thread. Don't get involved. It's a nasty insidious drug that rots their emotions from the inside out.

Most people with coke issues don't have insight into the changes as they are subtle and build over time. But I've known plenty of people with coke habits (worked in an industry where it was rife) and the same traits always appear -over confident to arrogant, mood swings (enthusiastic/upbeat to isolative/down) a bit paranoid, secretive, confrontational/aggressive.

The effects aren't as immediately extreme as say, alcoholism or heroin, so it can be tempting to attribute them to circumstance But there is a definite theme that you start to recognise after a while.

I am currently watching a good friend’s life implode around her due to her husband’s coke addiction.
it’s heartbreaking.
They are losing their home, he has lost so many jobs, taken money from his elderly mother, her parents have had to step in to save them to the tune of thousands.

And the lies!
Accidents in the car, can’t go to the hospital says he.
Because he’s off his face.
Sinus infections, Covid saved him as only phone consultations.
He has ruined her life.

I am praying she leaves him.

OP RUN FOR THE HILLS AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!

I would not get in to a relationship with someone with an addiction (of any kind), ever - because addictions are destructive, expensive, health-destroying, relationship-destroying, personality-destroying, life-sapping animals. The addiction is (or becomes) more important than anything or anyone else in their life. You can waste years making excuses / apologies / supporting / begging / pleading / being hopeful they're on top of it / realising they're still lying to you about it- I'd say it's a huge rollercoaster but there aren't many highs.

Run while you can.

I second whatever everyone else says. You can already see that you come a poor second to his drug habit. When he's coming down, of course he's depressed and retreats away from you. It's already grim, even at this early stage.
Are you at his home with him, he takes it infront of you and just carries on chatting? It's just.. sleazy.
I say this as someone who dabbled in the party scene thirty years ago.. But that was it - out and about at raves and clubs.
Taking it regularly at home infront of a non - participant in order to spout off a load of crap about the meaning of life? Nope. Never did that

Please take the advise from others on here and get out now. This erratic behavior will only get worse and he will show his true self as Coke makes people violent and crazy actions. I was with someone and pregnant 21 years ago and did not know he was on coke but he had erratic behavior and then one day he came in the house and started smashing plates etc and I left and thank god I did as not an environment to be in at all. You need to put your standards higher or stay single until you are more confident in yourself.

I had my suspicions early on. First he denied it completely. Then it was "only on a weekend", which soon became in the week aswell. Then it was "i'm just being honest, i've got some stuff" to taking it in front of me yes.

Many years ago I could of written what you have about this guy. Deep conversations, massive connection, so hot. But he lied, was erratic, I ended up confused and hurt. He denied drug use although I didn’t believe him. I walked away when he nearly hit me. Decided if he cared he would do something about it. He didn’t. Rumour has it he went to prison. He did apologise recently but years later. I think he was trying to turn his life around. Has had bleeds on the brain, Crohn’s disease, completed addicted. Now in recovery apparently. But still not honest but showing me regret. If I’m honest it is such a sad situation he was a clever guy. He has a long suffering girlfriend I think, but I’m glad I walked. He would have needed to stop years ago for me to consider him. I would have loved to have helped him but he didn’t want to be helped.

Thank god you have found out so early OP. It should be relatively easy to end things.

Run, run, run. He won’t change for you, and he won’t stop taking it. It will be the number one thing in his life. Before you know it, he’ll bring it to your own home and start using it there too.
The drama, highs/lows, come downs/whatever are not worth having in your life.

He will be experiencing big highs and then big lows. That's what Cole does to you. He will be fine if he can get his fix but that doesn't last long so his going to be constantly chasing that high. If you are thinking of staying I suggest you only have dates with him when he has no coke in his system. You will see a shell of the man you think he is

Absolute 🤢 at him just snorting coke right in front of you. He's revolting and clearly heavily addicted. And also sounds like a prick to boot!

Run run run away.

You would be crazy to even consider sticking with him!

Get rid of him.

he will be a moneypit of a man and will also drain you emotionally

I make this mistake and regretted it so much

paid off a £3k rent arrears only to find out it was a coke debt
this will be you.

Trust me.

I suppose I felt sorry for him too, he doesn't have much of a life (I know, that's ridiculous because it's his own doing, it's very clear what his wages go on). I think i'd hoped that as he seemed happy in my company maybe it would give him a kick up the arse to do something about his life, knowing he'd met someone who would be supportive. But that's just not going to happen is it. He wont even really talk about it.

Id avoid. Im not even anti drugs. Ive done coke, but a relationship with an addict is not something to get into.

Do you have kids OP?

I think you should stop seeing him but if you have kids, that should be an absolute hard NO to dating a cokehead.