AIBU.. to expect some sort of effort?

[sunshine271]

It was my birthday a few weeks ago. My partner of 7 years made zero effort. A card with nothing but to "sunshine" from DP. No plans. No present. No birthday cake. Mother's Day was the same (DC is a toddler so not his fault).

I have always made an effort for his birthday and this year got him a present over £500 (not that it's about the money), invited his family round, made him a cake, made plans to have a babysitter so we could go out for dinner, made sure everyone knew what he actually wanted for his birthday so he didn't end up with a load of old tat.

I told him a few days later I was upset he hadn't done anything when I always try to make such an effort for him. He said he hadn't had any time.. I said if you wanted to make an effort you would. He said it's because he doesn't feel very close to me at the moment, I don't make him feel appreciated apparently even though I always thank him for working so hard for us. Obviously I don't thank him everyday for what he does around the house but he doesn't thank me either and I wouldn't expect this as it is just life as an adult. I make him dinner every evening. Do the food shop. Tidy up around him. Ask him about his day. Support him when he's having a hard time at work. He gets plenty of time to do his hobbies. I sort out all the finances, and day to day life. I really don't know what else I could do tbh.

So a week has gone by he's still not made any effort despite knowing I'm upset and now I'm feeling more and more distant from him. Not sure how to get things back on track if I have told him how I feel and he's done nothing. I don't want to tell him how I feel again.

Now Father's Day is around the corner and it makes me think why do I bother. But I know if I don't that won't solve anything.

Tbh he sounds lazy and petulant...I would not be happy with him first saying that he has no time, and then trying to make it all your fault!

In the interests of fairness though, is he having a particularly difficult or stressful time at the moment? Might be worth trying to find a quiet moment to sit down and discuss calmly, although I do think that you are well within your rights to pull him up over lack of effort if that's what it turns out to be.

@Arrivederla I know, he was just scrambling for excuses I think. Yes his job is quite stressful at the moment but so is dealing with a toddler day in day out and running the house as well as arranging building work etc.

I did already try to talk to him calmly about it, and a week has gone by, I feel the same and he still hasn't made any effort. I told him it's too late for my birthday now but if he knows he has upset me I would expect anything more than what I've had. Although it's not about the money or gifts etc. i said I wouldn't of cared if it was a £2 cake from Tesco and he invited my family round to share it. I wouldn't of cared about no present. It's just that on top of everything else.

I've been with mine for 7 years almost and have never, ever recieved anything from him. It's like they don't understand how much it means to us, even if they don't see it as a big deal

So... you run around after him every day, you make a huge effort for his birthday, and the reason he didn't do anything for your birthday is because YOU don't appreciate HIM????

I'm gob smacked at the total lack of logic or reason.

He's the one not buying birthday presents or making any trouble on your birthday. It's bad enough that he's blaming you for his total lack of effort, but his 'reason' for blaming you is that you don't appreciate him. That's you who did this:

I have always made an effort for his birthday and this year got him a present over £500 (not that it's about the money), invited his family round, made him a cake, made plans to have a babysitter so we could go out for dinner, made sure everyone knew what he actually wanted for his birthday

He thinks you aren't showing him enough appreciation? I know making a fuss on someone's birthday isn't the same as showing appreciation, but when it's compared the the appreciation he's showing you I don't know how he has the cheek.

It's telling that he changed his excuse as well. So first of all he didn't have time. Then when you (presumably) pointed out your birthday is the same day every year so it shouldn't have come as a surprise, he changed his reason. Deftly made it one that was your fault.

His excuses are pathetic. They aren't reasons. At the very least I would say you should match his effort on his birthday, fathers day, Christmas. Don't run around sorting out thoughtful gifts for his family either. Point out to him that he doesn't show you appreciation, to the extent he can't even be arsed to get you something for your birthday after all the fuss you made of his.

Is he usually lovely and thoughtful, because if this is a pattern of disinterest, selfishness and disrespect I'd be rethinking whether I wanted to be with him.

I'd ask him straight for actual examples of what he means by this. Then I'd rebut with a long list of everything you do do for him.

Then I'd stop doing any of it, and reconsider my relationship.

@layladomino thank you for your response.. I do completely agree.

I don't know how else I can show him that I appreciate him? Like i said I always say thank you to him for how hard he works and how proud we are of him for this. I said to him during this discussion I don't have the time or energy to make big gestures once a week but for special occasions I will make sure he feels loved and appreciated

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I did ask him but didn't get very far in getting any specific answers just that he didn't feel appreciated, his response was he does xy and z (he obviously thinks I do fuck all everyday)

I wouldn’t bother with Father’s Day tbh. Is he always like this with your Birthday? If so, I would reconsider the relationship. He already says he doesn’t feel close to you atm - maybe this is more his reasoning?

@PussInBin20 no not always, my birthday last year he made an effort somewhat but Mother's Day and my birthday this year no effort whatsoever. Mother's Day was worse, he said we'd go for lunch and then MIL called and suddenly without even consulting me any plans we had made were cancelled and he was doing whatever with them instead.

Maybe it is but then maybe he should make some effort himself.. If anything this whole thing is pushing me further away not that I actually felt there was anything wrong at all. We don't have any issues and obviously things have changed since having our DC but I think we manage well, still make time for each other etc

Buy him f@& all for Father’s Day and if he asks you why, you can state you didn’t have time as you were too busy clearing up after him, parenting etc. I’d be fuming.
His excuse that he doesn’t feel close to you is ridiculous. He sound selfish and lazy. Put a lot less effort in doing anything for him as he is taking you for a mug.

He's a lazy fuck who couldn't be bothered to make an effort for you.

All he had to do was to go to a fucking shop, like take an hour out of his day to think about getting a little something nice [blah blah banging your head against a brick wall].

Tell him it's not rocket science and YOUR BIRTHDAY IS ON THE SAME DAY EACH YEAR so it's not like it was some surprise that landed out of nowhere.

Don't bother with fathers day or christmas or his next birthday. When he looks all hurt and shocked, tell him "i didn't have time / stop stressing me out / all the crap excuses he has given you" then ask him how that's made him feel.

Bloody rubbish effort on his part. Pretending to be "useless" is no excuse. That shit wouldn't fly at work, would it?

Why do you and @sunshine271 put up with it? I find these situations so odd. Seven years you’ve let this go on for. These men are pathetic.

I bet you 50p that not appreciating him as much actually means you don't have sex as much since having kids. Too many men get in a sulk because their partners don't baby them anymore after having kids. I bet this is whats going on with yours.

Did you ask him what feeling appreciated would look like to him? It seems your two ideas maybe don't match. Different people have different ideas of what makes them feel loved and appreciated and his idea may be different from yours.

What? Did you not even go with them? That’s terrible - it’s terrible that he changed plans without discussion but even worse if he went without you!

definitely don’t make a fuss on Father’s Day then.

Having a DC does change things but it seems like he’s maybe pulling away if he has done things on previous occasions.

I would hate not being treated on my Birthday or Mother’s Day (even if something low cost I would expect an acknowledgement more than that). If you can’t be acknowledged on these days, when will you be?

How are your finances with him? Sounds like you’re a SAHM or on maternity leave? Is it possible he resents the idea of spending money on gifts because he sees it as ‘his’ money? Just putting that out there as I once had a partner who began to resent getting me any gifts because he out-earned me - even small gifts in the end despite me pointing out that proportionally to your respective incomes I actually spent way more than him on gifts for him or going out together etc.

Oh love. Is this what you think you deserve? Raise your expectations of a relationship from the gutter that it is currently.

He's a lazy selfish pig and he's not going to change. Because he doesn't want to. You're not his priority, he is and always will be and your needs will always be last.

I used to be married to one just like this. Fortunately I divorced him after 3 years and have never regretted it for a moment.

Have a long hard think as to whether you want this for the rest of your life, or whether you want to be in a relationship where the other partner considers your needs as important as theirs.

If he doesn't feel close to you at the moment ignoring your birthday is hardly going to make it any better is it?
I wouldn't do anything for Fathers Day. But the truth is he might not care if you do or not.
Also look at what you do do for him - is it focussed on the house? He may not see that as 'appreciating' him.
Time for a frank discussion. Not after work when both of you are tired. Get someone to look after your child and then just you and your husband, with phones off, talk it out. One of you has five minutes to say, without any interruptions, how they feel. Then the other person tells them what they have heard 'I hear that you are saying...'. Then the other gets to do the same (not as a rebuttal, but their own feelings), and the other also repeats back what they have understood what the other is saying.
Then both of you digest what the other has said. Then get back together and see what changes can be made for you both to feel valued and appreciated.

@HappyCup I haven't always put up with it as it hasn't always been like this. If it had I certainly wouldn't still be here after all this time

@Bathtimehell probably. This is a whole other ongoing issue that I won't get into on this thread

@Midlifemusings no I didn't actually I will if the conversation arises again as I can't bear to talk about it anymore with him as it just makes me feel like shit tbh

@PussInBin20 no when he got off the phone I told him how angry I was and he called back and cancelled which made me feel like a complete bitch. And sure his family had something to say about it

@PriestessofPing I'm currently a SAHM but returning to work soon. Being a SAHM wasn't ever the plan. I have been paid most months and have side hustles but I never treat myself to anything so to not even get anything on my birthday I think made me feel worse. Decided I am going to start spending more on myself and not feeling guilty about it. He's not really fussed about money. We both have made a fair share of money and invested it well so I never feel like I haven't contributed. At one point I had more than him but it's always been a fair split. He does always tell me I should get my hair done, buy myself something etc so I don't think it is that

@easyday this is a good idea I just really don't feel like I have the energy for it at the moment as he sees it as an attack mostly. I will try and have another chat with him though as it's just getting worse as it's building up inside me

Well that’s a good thing and yes I think you should definitely spend more on things for yourself. However, that doesn’t solve your issue with him not making the effort. I suppose, like lots of people, I always think well there must be a reason why someone deliberately ignores special occasions of the person they love. It is a very passive aggressive thing.

But maybe there isn’t any great revelation - it just doesn’t matter to them.

He is massively taking you for granted and by reading what you've said, it seems like he doesn't deserve you and it's HIM who doesn't appreciate everything YOU do.

Seems like your relationship is incredibly unbalanced and his behaviour towards your birthday is just downright mean and shows how little respect he has for you (sorry), because otherwise he would have made more of an effort right? Is this how much you mean to him ? It's not even laziness, he's just taking the piss.

I could've written this myself following for when I have more time to respond

Please don't use the word "they" I have a Dh who cares, and still shows he cares after 20 plus years of marriage. That includes birthdays, Mother's Day and every day with small gestures of love and kindness towards me. He is not alone, we have friends who are all lovely husbands to their wives.

It is because people somehow put up with being treated this way instead of leaving much earlier on, before houses and children.

OP he has made this a problem with you, surely this comes under DARVO -deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. Why is it suddenly that you aren't showing enough appreciation? What absolute bollocks. He is just a lazy arse of a man who is showing exactly how much you mean to him. He didn't have time? But had time for all his hobbies. I would not make any effort whatsoever for Father's Day, not a great father when he treats his child's Mother this way is he?

To add, I'd be inclined to do absolutely sweet fanny adams for him on Father's Day so he realises how it feels. Some might say petty, some might say it's essential he has a taste of his own medicine.

Well sorry but that's just my experienceI. I've never had a man who has made the effort on my birthday so I was speaking for myself from my own experience. Good for you for finding one of the good ones, but I've yet to find one myself..