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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated from DH last year. Found someone I like, but really need advice!

65 replies

kindredSpirit1234 · 05/06/2022 12:07

Hi all, I separated from my DH last year after a very toxic marriage. I haven’t actively been looking for someone else because I’ve needed time for myself, but I briefly met someone who caught my attention.

I briefly met a guy at a party the other day and he caught my eye straight away. He came up to me to ask for something, said thank you and I smiled, so did he. He then walked away. We shared a few glances and smiles after that but then he left. I know his name because I got chatting to some of his family that were there. I found him on Facebook but don’t want to come off as creepy by adding or messaging him. If I msg without adding it will probably go into requests folder which nobody checks… what do I do? I feel like I am ready to meet someone new and I just so happen to have (briefly) met someone I liked.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 05/06/2022 13:31

fluffyjumpers · 05/06/2022 13:24

You hardly know this person. It may have been a "moment" for him too, or you he may have no clue who you are, even.

How about taking an old-school, before social media approach?

Find out who you know in common and ask someone trusted to ask some questions about him - is he single, is he a decent bloke etc, before making any kind of a move.

Yes this.

And if they tell you negative things don’t ignore it!

everylittlehelp5 · 05/06/2022 13:35

Send him a friend request. When he accepts message him, say it was nice to meet him etc. See if that strikes up a conversation.

PoseyFlump · 05/06/2022 13:39

Gladragdoll · 05/06/2022 13:30

Do you have a mutual friend who can make discrete enquiries for you?

This. I second the old school approach

Onwards22 · 05/06/2022 13:47

Who’s party was it?
Can you not ask about him to them and they can pass on that you’re interested.

Did you guys not chat at the party?
I do think he would have made more of an effort to come and Siena time with you so he may have a gf or he may be shy.

Onwards22 · 05/06/2022 13:54

I have had many men add me on Facebook after barely knowing me and it is stalkerish!

I actually started a thread a few years ago as someone who I didn’t even know their name from uni added me.

It turned out it took a long time and a lot of effort to find out who I was (instead of just asking my friends) and it was really creepy that someone went to so much effort.

I guess he could have been lovely and he just believed I was his perfect women but I couldn’t get past the creepiness.

The only time I didn’t find it creepy was when a guy did it who worked in my local shop and we would make small talk and flirt. Then he added me a few months later.

I think meeting someone once and then spending time searching for them on the internet will come across a bit odd!

toddlingabout · 05/06/2022 14:00

Don't add him.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, you don't have to panic at the first guy you have a moment with. I would also have thought if he really liked you he'd have chatted for longer. He could have been staring because you were staring at him and smiling out of politeness. He could also just be shy. If you know people he knows then trying to go to more things he's also going to be at would be a better in to test the water in a non stalker and more likely to lead to something way if he is also interested. You could definitely scare him off by adding him on Facebook. You have to be really careful in the early days.

Original poster
kindredSpirit1234 · 05/06/2022 14:12

Thank you again to all of you, I’ve decided not to message him as I think it would come across as very weird. If it’s meant to be, it will be. The universe will find a way. I’m sad that I didn’t extend the conversation myself and my instincts are telling me to just message and I’d love to, but its weird considering the circumstances. It’s just one of those things I’ll have to get over and accept 😐

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 05/06/2022 14:35

Are there any more parties planned?
If so definitely go!

Have you asked your friend/family member about him?

Original poster
kindredSpirit1234 · 05/06/2022 14:49

Not that I know of.. i was chatting to some of his family for some time. Maybe I could add and then ask about him but I don’t even know if that’s ok or what I would even say. What a dilemma this is 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
HairyScaryMonster · 05/06/2022 16:45

Could you go through contacts? So your friend to his family to him? So you can say x gave me your number?

MegaPixie09 · 05/06/2022 17:30

Message him! Particularly if you felt like you had a moment!

I first saw my partner when he was playing in a band. Didn’t even speak to him and I only knew the bands named. Found him on social media and we’ve been together 5 years! Worst that will happen is that he won’t be interested and you’ll probably feel a bit embarrassed. But think best case scenario!

MarshmallowsOnToast · 05/06/2022 17:42

Don't pass up the opportunity but strike whilst the iron is hot!!

Message him now whilst it's still fresh. You might regret not doing it & then it will be too late and at that point stalkerish.

What's the worst that could happen. You're not asking him to marry you.....

TibetanTerrah · 05/06/2022 17:49

I got chatting to a trainer at the gym once. He found me on fb and added me. I didn't think it was weird and we did end up going out for a bit.

I think if that's your philosophy you could say the universe made you find him on FB, and if the universe doesn't intend you to get together then your message will just be ignored Wink the universe doesn't reward inaction OP...

SunnyShiner · 05/06/2022 19:04

Add him and if he accepts just send a hello message

Original poster
kindredSpirit1234 · 05/06/2022 20:57

ghoulie · 05/06/2022 12:34

Perhaps DH is the wrong term Grin

Go for it, OP.

@ghoulie Haha yes you are right , force of habit 😬there is absolutely nothing dear about him 😂 and thanks I’m still deliberating whether or not to message… my gut is telling me to but I’ll have to explain how I know his name and how I found him lol. I feel like a teenager again 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Yellowhase · 05/06/2022 21:55

Friend request him first would be my advice! Then he may message you or he may not accept. One step at at time….

MadeForThis · 05/06/2022 22:17

Make contact through friends first. Who do you know in common?

It would be better to add his family members you were talking to first.

denim321 · 05/06/2022 22:46

I would send fb friend requests his friends/family that you know better. When you comment on their posts he might see it. Even better if it's a post he's tagged in

Or just send him a friend request

WigglyWombat · 05/06/2022 22:51

friend request him, but when he accepts don’t message him. You have made the first move then and if he wants more contact he can message you, if he just accepts and you don’t hear from him then I’d leave it there.

Ihatethenewlook · 05/06/2022 22:52

Oh ffs I can’t believe people have managed to put you off this! It’s a fb friend request, it’s not ‘stalkerish’ at all 🙄 It’s probably the least amount of effort to put in to getting in contact with them. What’s so weird about adding someone on social media that you had an attraction to you? It’s how thousands of people meet every day. Send him a friend request at least op and go from there.

Lana07 · 05/06/2022 22:58

I would definitely message him and wouldn't rely on Universe :).

I would say: 'Hello (his name). Your family member I've known for a while told me your name and I couldn't resist it and found you on FB and said hello.

Are you single? If yes and if you might like me I'd like to get to know you better and maybe we could become friends or even more than just friends if you are looking for the right match for you & for Someone Special.

Blossomandbee · 05/06/2022 23:00

I wouldn't add him, I think it's a bit strange after barely speaking to someone. As others have said I would make enquiries to whoever invited you both to the party.

Lana07 · 05/06/2022 23:06

I am for direct communication.

It's because when I was 19 I read a story in the magazine about how an 18-year-old boy and a 17-year girl liked each other very much. They kept it a secret from each other because they were both a bit shy, then married other people.

Both their marriages didn't last and only 20 years later having 1 child each from their previous relations they found each other through their common friends (they now lived in different countries) and found their true happiness with each other regretting why they never told each other about their feelings.

Lana07 · 05/06/2022 23:09

Blossomandbee · 05/06/2022 23:00

I wouldn't add him, I think it's a bit strange after barely speaking to someone. As others have said I would make enquiries to whoever invited you both to the party.

You don't have to ask to be friends on FB straight away now. Only when the time is right. You can just follow the person and send a direct message.

Lana07 · 05/06/2022 23:11

So are you married?