Annoyed by his reaction

[Accidental2022]

NC for this post.

I will preface this by saying I have had lifelong anxiety since a child (trauma) for which I have sought a lot of therapy and CBT and my anxiety is well under control day to day generally. It no longer rules my life but it never fully goes away. I suppose if I am triggered?

When I was a small child my abusive father did many things but my most scary vivid memory was he something to me in his idea of jest/fun which was actually very very frightening for me and I have had a phobia surrounding this since I was 5.

Secondly my DP is the best partner I have ever had and he is very respectful caring and loving although he does not seem to understand what anxiety really is or how it has affected me. He says he doesn’t get anxious.

we recently did an activity together and I was anxious about it as it involved my phobia and I explained it to him. I really wanted to do it though and initially it was fun. DP encouraged me to go out of my comfort zone during it and at some point, I was saying ‘no I don’t want to do this’ and he was insistent it was fine, but I trusted him so I kept going even though I didn’t really want to. Ultimately, I had an accident and had to encounter my phobia in the worst way for me. I also injured myself in the accident. I was very scared and anxious but I used my CBT techniques to rationalise to myself so I stayed amazingly calm but I was worrying out loud asking questions.

I was not initially upset with DP about this accident although I felt he had not taken into account that I was uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone and had asked to stop - I could have stopped but I didn’t so that’s on me.

What I am upset about is that he was annoyed by my anxious reaction. He went very quiet, told me I was over reacting and it was all fine. He then was getting exasperated when I was trying to explain myself (why anxious) and I then became more anxious worrying he was angry with me for ‘over reacting’.

I didn’t cry or get hysterical I was very calm considering I was in pain and scared.

All I really wanted was a huge hug and to feel safe and acknowledgement that it WAS scary. And I didn’t get that from him and I am really sad about it. He did all the right things otherwise, he helped me, he looked after me physically, he listened, but it felt like he wanted to run away from me emotionally and something was missing? He’s never done this before so it made me feel really unsettled. At one point he was staring into his phone while I was talking to him.

I felt like I had to drop worrying about it for his sake so I have moved into laughing at it being a very funny story. I’m questioning whether I am self centred and annoying? Especially when I was asking questions like ‘should I get medical attention?’ and he was like ‘absolutely not!’ I did ask him outright what was up and he said he ‘didn’t know what to do’.

should I just let this one go as a miscommunication of needs? I don’t want to keep going over it too much with him

Some people genuinely don't know how to deal with another person's anxiety. Me included tbh.
Sorry you had a rubbish time. Maybe don't be so hard on him.

I’d let it go
if similar happens, then raise
but no - I wouldn’t mention again

I think you have to consider if its indicative of wider behaviour from him or not.

Let me ask you this, if you did something really embarrassing in public, like knocked down a huge library shelf full of books, what would he do? Would he hang around and help you fix it and try and lighten the mood and comfort you. ...or would he start acting like you are a huge pain in the ass and he is embarrassed to be with you or perhaps, even run off and leave to it?

Basically, does he care more about his own second hand embarrassment or about your feelings?

That aside, it may just be that he was caught up in the fun of things and thinking you were too (you did say you had fun at first) and just didn't think. Emotional empathy may not be his strong suit. Perhaps he could have been more comforting after shit went down but considering it was presumably a new situation for him I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, if he has on other occasions prioritised his embarrassment over your feelings THEN this matter might require a bit more consideration.

If my OH misreads me then I’m just honest with him. Sometimes I’m irrational and emotional and I just tell him all I need is a hug. Because otherwise there’s a risk it will turn into a row. You need to communicate these things. He’s not a mind reader

Pp also has a realy good point. If you are scared and hurting then it's OK to say that you are scared and hurting. Otherwise he may just assume you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

after I wrote this post I realised this is actually the second time something similar has happened. The first time I was due to have a major operation, I was understandably shitting myself. He’s never had such a huge operation and he’s not a surgeon I wasn’t looking for him to tell me it was fine more just that I wanted a big hug and just to feel safe but he made me feel like I was over reacting then too. I was worrying it wouldn’t go to plan and I was right, it didn’t. He’s always good physically he will do anything you need but he’s not really there for me in all senses when I am feeling stressed and worried. Perhaps he just doesn’t know what to do or say although I have told him, it’s not about solving the issue it’s just about empathy? You can’t fix anxiety and I would never ask him to

You clearly want to raise it again
so do so!

I think it’s that he doesn’t know how to react so he is there in body but not in soul/mind. It is weird as he can tell I am getting frustrated with his reaction and I am communicating the best way I can but he wants to run away.

I did tell him I wanted a hug and I was in pain. I worry he thinks I was over reacting. Not only could I have had a much more serious accident than it was, there was also the risk of secondary issues which is what was stressing me out. I felt more stressed out by him in the end and him not really telling me if he was annoyed with me but avoiding me. We don’t live together so I came home and I am way less stressed on my own

I suppose I feel like he doesn’t want me to. I think he would like to move on. It didn’t happen to him though did it

Based on your update I'd be inclined to think he was selfish.

I mean you could argue he lacks emotional I intelligence but if you've told him what you need and he willfully ignores that then that's not ignorance, it's a choice.

It may be that he prefers to lighten the mood and minumise scary things and physically help and that's just how he shows his love. Where as you need emotional comfort and reassurance. But you've talked to him about this already so...why hasn't he adapted?

I'd sit him down and have a calm convo about your needs. About reassurance and comfort in times of fear are things that you need. Then in future, if he doesn't make the effort...then that's a worry

Hmm...If you feel less anxious when he isn't around and you feel he wouldnt have your back in a crisis and would run away...then op, you already know he isn't the man for you.

I felt like I had to drop worrying about it for his sake so I have moved into laughing at it being a very funny story.

Why are you changing your feelings and behaviour to make him feel comfortable?

I suppose I'm one of those people who doesn't "get" anxiety - you say you didn't make a big deal out of it but that's maybe not what he thought about the situation? You said yourself you wanted to do the activity - if it was so far out of your comfort zone then why force jt? Sounds like you just keep wanting more than is able to give emotionally - in terms of your anxiety anyway?

He did all the right things otherwise, he helped me, he looked after me physically, he listened, but it felt like he wanted to run away from me emotionally

Sounds like he was just embarrassed that you were over reacting and not accepting of the help he was trying to give? That what ever he did wasn't exactly to the letter what you wanted in the moment so he couldn't do right for doing right? Sorry all sounds a bit like hard work especially all this angsty over analysis after the event?

Anxiety is a hard one - unless you have experience of it, it can be very difficult to empathise with and it is not something that is really controllable or fixable. For example I can empathise with someone who is grief stricken and there’s nothing that will fix it but having gone through it I can reassure them and understand the cause and the effect but anxiety is often complex and the effects seem disproportionate to the cause so understanding the reaction is hard and giving the person what they need is harder. A hug is easy but what you likely want is to be understood

No disrespect but reliving events over and over won't be helping your anxiety.

Lots of people struggle with other people's emotions and get overloaded not knowing what to do.

For me it would come down to if your priority was a hug what would he do if instead of saying it jumbled up with everything else you'd like him to better understand you just said gimme a hug?

Plain, easy, not distracted with other stuff he might not feel able to understand.

Ok I will put it into context of seriousness - when I was 5 my dad threw me without any warning into the sea. I couldn’t swim I was 5. I nearly drowned. He laughed and my grandad rescued me

in this accident I fell into some water, I didn’t know how deep it was and I injured myself falling in and also getting out. I also breathed in and swallowed minging water

I'm not sure I am over reacting to have been stressed out by this?

The activity wasn’t water based, I didn’t have a life jacket on it was just near water

You had a trauma response. It was a normal reaction.

As for his behaviour around this and the surgery, I agree with a pp that he's selfish. The way he twists it into blaming your for "overreacting" is deeply unpleasant.

Normal, decent human beings know that someone facing a scary situation like surgery will be anxious and will need support. Anxiety is a normal response to surgery!

I try to acknowledge this. I don’t really bother him with insignificant things that I know mean something to me but not him. In this case I was in pain and my brain and heart was racing. I was thinking how glad I was that it wasn’t a lot worse. He made one comment like I seemed to fall in on purpose like my fall was strange. I was worrying about catching something nasty from the water. I also couldn’t see some of my injuries as covered by wet clothes. I was miles away from home. I calmed myself down, I walked miles back the car soaking wet and internally rationalised. I asked him a few times if I should get medical assistance due to manky water and breathing it in, he just kept saying no, he fell in once he was fine I don’t think I realised I had asked more than once as I was quite disjointed and in shock.

I am reliving it - I had a traumatic event. Maybe it isn’t helping me.

That sounds incredibly traumatic, given what happened to you. If you had told me about your childhood experience and I was aware of your phobia, I would have immediately assumed you would be extremely upset by falling into the water and made concerted attempts to be there for your emotionally, as well as physically, making sure you were not hurt, etc. I would have expected anyone with a degree of emotional intelligence and empathy to have done the same.

Don't try and make light of what happened, that's just brushing it under the carpet. You have every right to be upset at firstly, falling into the water and it triggering a strong response, and secondly, your partner's lack of emotional support. You are reliving it because it wasn't dealt with adequately at the time, and afterwards. It still needs to be processed. And now you have the added anxiety that your partner isn't good in an emotional crisis. That's stressful. Ideally, you should be able to rely on at least some emotional support from a partner.

You were not, and are not, overreacting!

And if your dad laughed after throwing you into the sea (the bastard) then I imagine you were never allowed to be upset about what happened, because he considered it to be a 'joke'. And the pattern will be repeated with your current partner, you won't be allowed to be upset about anything if he considers you to be 'over reacting'

The irony is, with anxiety, often if you get the right loving response, it helps to dispel your fears way quicker and way more effectively than any amount of logic and rationalisation. If someone just put their arms around you and let you know they were there for you and showed some empathy, it would be so much more healing.

He doesn't sound like the best partner for you, long term, if you want to be allowed to have feelings.

So did he even help you out of the water or offer you his t shirt or anything since you were soaking wet and then had to walk miles back to the car? And he also questioned whether you’d fallen in on purpose? After being the one pushing you to go further than you were comfortable with? That doesn’t sound very nice at all especially given he knew about your understandable fears given your history and what your dad did.

I’m in no way trying to minimise your experiences but just to give the other side of the story. My DH has suffered with life long general anxiety ( he’s been on medication for years and unlikely to be able to come off it, he’s also had various courses of counselling over the years) he says not related to any traumatic experiences. In the beginning of our relationship I spent years trying to support him in his anxiety, acknowledging that certain things were impossible for him talking through scenarios about “what if’s” reassuring him daily that he wasn’t a failure and that people didn’t really hate him. When we had kids a huge amount of parenting fell to me and of course our kids became another source of anxiety for him. It’s exhausting. In the end sadly I came to the conclusion that no matter what I said or did made little difference to how he felt, trying to cope with this in the end affected my mental health so badly I ended up needing anti depressants and counselling myself and it ended our marriage. He’s still anxious despite everything and although it was my choice to stay in the marriage I am resentful about the wasted years and I don’t think that makes me a bad person.

What's he like in general in your relationship, Accidental?

I can understand why you're annoyed by his reaction. Whether you have anxiety or not (which is completely understandable given what your father did), his dismissal of your concerns at inhaling dirty water and the other things you have said about him is making me think he's not much of a partner at all. He may be the best you've ever had but that doesn't mean to say he's a good long term prospect