Annoyed by his reaction

[Accidental2022]

NC for this post.

I will preface this by saying I have had lifelong anxiety since a child (trauma) for which I have sought a lot of therapy and CBT and my anxiety is well under control day to day generally. It no longer rules my life but it never fully goes away. I suppose if I am triggered?

When I was a small child my abusive father did many things but my most scary vivid memory was he something to me in his idea of jest/fun which was actually very very frightening for me and I have had a phobia surrounding this since I was 5.

Secondly my DP is the best partner I have ever had and he is very respectful caring and loving although he does not seem to understand what anxiety really is or how it has affected me. He says he doesn’t get anxious.

we recently did an activity together and I was anxious about it as it involved my phobia and I explained it to him. I really wanted to do it though and initially it was fun. DP encouraged me to go out of my comfort zone during it and at some point, I was saying ‘no I don’t want to do this’ and he was insistent it was fine, but I trusted him so I kept going even though I didn’t really want to. Ultimately, I had an accident and had to encounter my phobia in the worst way for me. I also injured myself in the accident. I was very scared and anxious but I used my CBT techniques to rationalise to myself so I stayed amazingly calm but I was worrying out loud asking questions.

I was not initially upset with DP about this accident although I felt he had not taken into account that I was uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone and had asked to stop - I could have stopped but I didn’t so that’s on me.

What I am upset about is that he was annoyed by my anxious reaction. He went very quiet, told me I was over reacting and it was all fine. He then was getting exasperated when I was trying to explain myself (why anxious) and I then became more anxious worrying he was angry with me for ‘over reacting’.

I didn’t cry or get hysterical I was very calm considering I was in pain and scared.

All I really wanted was a huge hug and to feel safe and acknowledgement that it WAS scary. And I didn’t get that from him and I am really sad about it. He did all the right things otherwise, he helped me, he looked after me physically, he listened, but it felt like he wanted to run away from me emotionally and something was missing? He’s never done this before so it made me feel really unsettled. At one point he was staring into his phone while I was talking to him.

I felt like I had to drop worrying about it for his sake so I have moved into laughing at it being a very funny story. I’m questioning whether I am self centred and annoying? Especially when I was asking questions like ‘should I get medical attention?’ and he was like ‘absolutely not!’ I did ask him outright what was up and he said he ‘didn’t know what to do’.

should I just let this one go as a miscommunication of needs? I don’t want to keep going over it too much with him

He did all the right practical responses in every other way, apart from he didn’t really seem to want to talk to me or answer my questions. I wasn’t crying or shouting or anything at all, I was focusing on breathing and calming myself. He helped me out of the water. He helped me sort out all my stuff. He agreed to go back to the car. He didn’t hug me and then I was probably gabbling on in shock for a while and he was getting irritated.

He was minimising it I think? Like oh it’s fine, happened to me years ago, stop worrying about it. (Catching something from the water). I was shocked by his response in that way. He said the way I fell in was ‘weird’. I just lost my balance becasue I had been telling him that I couldn’t physically manage to do the thing he was encouraging me to do!

I then needed to get something from the chemist to treat some of my injuries and was getting annoyed I got it on some of his car interior because I didn’t wait till I got home but I was in pain and just wanted to put it on

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These are red flags. At best he can't give you the emotional support you need. At worst he's got a serious lack of empathy that could be indicative of a bigger issue. Some people aren't compatible. Stop apologising for who you are and how you feel and find someone who loves you as you are instead of how you wish you could be. Someone who listens to what you do/don't want to do before taking you to an activity.
I don't have much patience for people with big dramatic anxiety outbursts but I do understand that they're having a big emotion and need to feel better/calm down.

I get this, which is why I have spent so long dealing with all these things in therapy and CBT, I did not get my needs met by my parents and I would do things like this. I am self aware enough to know this isn’t healthy. I mentioned anxiety in my OP as I know this is what my DP references when I am in this situation - it’s just me being anxious and over worrying. The thing is, the only times it’s been an issue were on two occasions of a serious nature when I was just asking for some empathy and not comments that I am over reacting.

I’m now aware he would apparently fall into dirty water (or one of his DC) and not worry one bit about water in lungs or Weils disease, or find it upsetting or traumatic. He would also not worry at all one bit before having an organ removed via an open surgery under a GA. Good for him!

I think you've taken "taking responsibility" for your anxiety too far - you're working so hard to minimise his shitty behaviour and blame yourself that you're just blaming yourself for everything including his shortcomings. It's unbalanced.

It is okay to blame him for his shit behaviour. It is also okay to say something was not your fault - you do not have to try and apportion blame to yourself for everything. Especially around the surgery. He deserved dumping for that alone.

I really deeply dislike the way he's using "you're overreacting" as his get out of jail free card when he's a prick.

@midairchallenger has it spot on.
This man lacks empathy and can’t cope with your perfectly understandable emotions. You should never suggest to a person with a phobia that they’re overreacting. You didn’t even cry. I would have done! Detaching himself by staring at his phone is not a good sign. The fact that he bullied you into doing something you didn’t want to is not a good sign.

Sorry but he’s not very kind and if he’s this unfeeling early in the relationship, he’ll get worse. Someone’s irritation at your distress is not something you want to live with.

Thanks. A lot to think about. I did bring it up after the surgery situation I asked him to stop minimising or avoiding talking about my fears, because they were real to me, and it was happening to me. I said if it was happening to you and you were not stressed, I would still support you, but I’m not you.

I have had a lot of fears and worries in my life which I am sure are weird or annoying to others, I have tried to face all of them in my own way instead of avoiding them too. I don’t like flying but I get in a plane. I do over explain them because I don’t like burdening people with them.

I feel like history is repeating itself as the relationship before DP ended in a similar way where he was emotionally cold the ONE TIME in 2 years I needed him. like I was great to be around for sex and fun stuff but nothing serious.

perhaps this is the same situation. He can be really loving, fun, sweet and kind so it is a shock that I can’t rely on him in a crisis. This is why I am looking at myself thinking is it me? Am I the issue?

Thank you for being so honest and writing this @Carrotmum. I needed to read this today.💙

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I don't think you're the issue, Accidental, more your upbringing, from what you've said. When we haven't had good examples of healthy relationships when we were growing up, we don't know what decent behaviour and healthy relationships are like so we sometimes don't even realise that we are in abusive or unhealthy relationships. It can carry on through many relationships until we realise what is happening and take steps to avoid it in future relationships.

Wow, your dad was an unbelievable fuckwit and a total failure as a parent. That is beyond stupid.

Your partner sounds embarrassed and useless and frankly unkind, and you are tying yourself in knots trying to not inconvenience him with your own (totally understandable) trauma reaction and to minimise his really pathetic behaviour.

You can do better than this shit. I’m so sorry about what happened.

My dad is awful I cannot compare DP to him in any way. That memory of being thrown into the sea is one my most vivid from childhood. There were many other things he did but I remember that one the most. I am no contact with him. Weirdly I was with him the day we saw a plane crash too, so I think I associate negative scary events with him (hence me not liking flying either)

I remember not being able to orientate myself in the water and know which way was the surface and everything swooshing around me. My grandad (mums dad) dove in and pulled me out and was furious with my dad. There is a photo of me on the beach with my grandparents before it happened and it should be such a lovely memory and memento but I remember how it ended so I don’t like the photo.

When I fell into the water this time I knew I was going to fall so my main focus was getting up to the surface. This time I didn’t get disorientated it was fine. But I got absolutely ravaged by thorns and nettles all over and both my legs and tummy are black and blue from falling and being pulled out.

I spoke to him today but not about this, I think I need to have a proper discussion with him.

having acknowledged I suffered from anxiety but have worked really hard on it and can manage it shouldn’t mean my experiences and feelings get discounted as ‘just anxiety’

Sorry posted wrong place

I agree. All this 'I just needed a big hug' I find very difficult. It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong - quite the opposite.

@LetHimHaveIt
i appreciate your thoughts I will admit I found the take on it hard to read. I think I have wrongly assumed that a strong hug after a traumatic event would just make me feel better rather than a physical and emotional distancing. I felt alone and vulnerable. Perhaps I have had the concept of emotional intimacy in relationships all wrong. It’s in my instincts to offer closeness to someone I love, I am affectionate and he knows I enjoy hugs, we usually hug all the time. Just not that time when I would have really liked one.

Well, the balance of opinion is strongly weighted in your favour, so my outlier stance shouldn't have been particularly hard to read. I think you said at least three times that you needed some type of hug; now in your reply, it's a 'strong' hug. Ok. Sorry he didn't give you one. But, in your own words . . .

'He did all the right things otherwise, he helped me, he looked after me physically, he listened'

. . . if he only neglected to put his arms around you, I don't think he really did anything wrong.

'It felt like he wanted to run away from me emotionally . . . '

. . sounds a bit ridiculous. You don't know that. Maybe he did. Maybe he found it all rather overwrought and silly. But he did his best.

I think what you missed was him holding you and telling you that you're safe.

And it's fine to need that. Your fears of catching something nasty from the water, or some kind of damage, as well as wondering if your various scratches and bruises needed attention, are actually perfectly rational and not a trauma response.

The trauma response is extra.

I suspect he felt guilty for pushing you a bit further than you wanted to go, so needed you to brush it off so he didn't feel shamed.

I think this could be worked through with couples counselling. I'd say to him that there are some things you are struggling with that you'd love to work on with him. It will clarify things for you, I think.

You sound like you have a good understanding of yourself. Don't let his lack of emotional literacy turn this into you being too demanding/needy.

I said huge hug in my OP.

I think I put it into context that I felt alone, like he was there but only in body. I feel like if a serious issue comes up, I have to deal with all the emotions of it on my own. He also didn’t want to talk about it either, and dismissed my concerns. It’s totally ok to not know what to say, but to physically distance yourself from someone scared and in pain doesn’t feel like a loving action. I stand by that. One of the strangers who stopped to help was kinder to me

Anyway all of this has thrown up that he does have issues with emotional intimacy. He does retreat and sometimes I have no idea why and it turns out he is worried about me having a negative reaction that I am ‘hiding’ ie I am secretly pissed off. I then have to reassure him I am not having a negative reaction and that if I was I wouldn’t hide it. He tells me this is from his ex wife who would make him guess what was wrong and he was always getting his reactions incorrect in her eyes and he would have to walk on eggshells around her and just never got anything right and she would punish him with silence or complaining. Well I am not her and don’t do this. I have written this post about him but I am not punishing him in any way although I suspect he knows he has let me down and feels bad

You sound as though you have checked out, now. You've decided he isn't going to be there for you in the way you want, so you'll move on to protect yourself from feeling hurt and alone again.

It's totally your choice. I'd say you could work on it together though, if you both want to.

Today is our anniversary apparently. I haven’t heard from him. I am not sure he is being an intentional asshole or not

If you ask him a question (ie. Do you think I need to get medical help? ) and he answers with his genuine opinion, what do you expect him to do if you keep repeating the question?
Not being snippy, just genuinely asking.
Personally, from the information you have given, I don't know what else he could have done.
Maybe you are just not well matched.

I dunno dealing with other peoples anxiety is really hard. I have a friend who suffers with GAD and listening to her endless panic over nothing at all is exhausting and draining, to be honest. I’ve probably been dismissive at times but it’s just relentless

@Ithinkitsadoughnut

I wish I could explain this more clearly I am not sure how to word it.

After getting myself together after the accident, while he kind of stood awkwardly a few feet away from me not really saying anything, and I was shaken up, I could have done with a hug or something.

I got out and I don’t recall him asking once if I was ok. He did take a photo though

I said I had breathed in water and swallowed it. I was coughing. He didn’t say anything. I said I still feel really shaky (so was sitting down) and my throat and chest is sore and a bad taste in my mouth. He gave me water and said something like ‘well it will be’ and then said ‘the water looked pretty clean’. I said ‘do you think I could catch something from the water?’ He said something like ‘I fell in once and I was ok’. I said I wasn’t sure what you should actually do if you fall into open (non sea) water. I was still coughing and said ‘do you think I should get any medical advice’ and at this point he got irritated and said no, you will be fine. I asked if he would be so blasé if one of his kids fell in, he said yes he would just fish them out.

We then got back to the car area and someone who worked there saw I was all wet and asked if I fell in, I said yes, and they commented that I might get sick from the water (tummy sick) and to get help if I get a temperature or chest pains.

we had to cut our trip short and I said I was sorry for it ruining our trip, he said it was fine, but he didn’t say much on the way to the pharmacy then got annoyed I got the stuff on his car. I said why don’t we just talk about something else it will take my mind off the pain, he said ‘I don’t know what to say’.

Then I asked him at home if he was ok, as he was so quiet and he said I should stop asking him as it was annoying him. He then said he didn’t feel well and went to sleep.

That's really rude, him focussing on his phone when you've just experienced something of which you have a phobia.

Serious phobias are horrible.

Thanks op. I think you might find this has just reached its natural conclusion. Nobody's fault, just having different needs. X