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Original poster

Not going to a parents funeral

37 replies

lovenotwar149 · 05/06/2022 10:23

Does anyone have experience of not going to one of their parents funeral out of choice? This is a very likely situation for me after accepting and walking away from toxic/abuse from my family of origin. If anyone can relate to this, or has in fact done this because of similar reasons to my own, could you pls share the repercussions, if any, of not attending your own parents funeral. Many thanks

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 05/06/2022 10:43

I don't have experience sorry but my thoughts, for what they're worth, are that it is your choice and nobody else's business.
You should not have to explain yourself to anyone.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 05/06/2022 10:45

Thank you for your thoughts...appreciated

OP posts:
tobedtoMN · 05/06/2022 10:47

Not the experience of it. But I completely sympathise.
It was a huge thing that played on my mind (still does) when making the decision to walk away. I think it's the thought of having to justifying yourself to a roomful of acquaintances, whilst not speaking ill of the dead!

Dominuse · 05/06/2022 10:52

I’m NC with my parents. They originally treated me and my children is the worse way they could and then told me not to contact them, ring them etc and to go through a nominated family member. Then they kept contacting me direct. Through counselling I see they are highly controlling and narcs and I stopped reaching out a year ago. They are elderly and live 10 minutes walk away. I won’t go to their funerals. I’m done. My attitude is not there for me when alive I’m not going to mourn when you are gone.

why would they be a problem?

asked if you were going - no I’m not. Asked why - we didn’t have a relationship no need to expand

asked to forgive etc - they had the chance when alive - being dead doesn’t change that but it shuts the door

minuette1 · 05/06/2022 10:52

A cousin didn’t go to his mum’s funeral as they had had a petty argument over money that escalated into my cousin going no contact for a couple of years before my aunt died - the whole family got in touch with him to ask him to go to the funeral to support his dad and siblings but he refused, and my uncle subsequently cut him out of the (substantial) will, so he never did get any of the money he’d argued with his mum about anyway.

Needanotherholidayasap · 05/06/2022 10:53

I won't be attending either of my dps funerals. Hasn't happened yet but they are smokers of 70+..
Have already told myself things are how they are because of them. Maybe I will shed a tear for the dps I should have had but not actually for those dps.
You can grieve for what you should have had too op.

dudsville · 05/06/2022 10:54

You need to do what's best for you. This is a fine thing to do. People make more of blood ties than need be. If relationship is healthy, blood or not, then it gets more of my attention than a relationship that's toxic.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/06/2022 11:21

It is a very big decision to make.
How are you going to feel afterwards? Do you want to say goodbye?
It also depends on your reasons for being NC. I would go with what is most comfortable to you in the long term. Would going feel insincere? Or do you feel it is right for you?

I do know a surprising number of people that have been NC over the years.
One NC but got back in touch when parents were terminal, went to the funerals no love lost though.
I know of a twin that didn't go to her own sister's funeral and seemed indifferent to it, on the outside at least.

antwacky · 05/06/2022 11:22

I didn't attend my fathers funeral and have never regretted it. I did go to see him a couple of times before he died and on the last visit I decided that I wouldn't be attending his funeral. I know most of my family think I was weird/wrong not to do so but I didn't and still don't care what anyone thinks.
Do what's best for you and don't let anyone try to guilt you into something that you don't want to do.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 05/06/2022 16:58

Thanks to you all for your replies. I'm def heading towards a NC route for me as even the thought of seeing them/being in the same room as them gives me quite a visceral reaction now. I am actually wondering whether it might be a good idea to have therapy now even though they haven't died yet, in preparation for the upcoming distress (have had 2 bouts of therapy re my parents over the last decade or so) . These days I'm trusting my gut more and more and it's serving me well. I'm so glad -this is the silver lining in all this sadness/disfunction - that I recognise the abuse for what it is now with a level of acceptance and have (almost) stopped gaslighting myself, but rather giving myself (mostly) the heartfelt love I deserve . Thats the silver lining!
re Dominuse- interested in your comments particularly as you mention living 10 mins walk from your parents. I do too and its way to close for comfort now! Way too close!

OP posts:
Jalisco · 05/06/2022 17:09

My father was always toxic, and I went NC after my mums funeral - with him and my sister. When he was dying I was asked to go visit him as he wanted to forgive me. I said no. I did not go to the funeral. I have never regretted that choice for an instant. He was toxic all our lives. My brother makes excuses for why he was that way, my sister rewrites history (although she was the golden child anyway). I prefer to live in the real world. He wasn't in my life even when he was around, unless he wanted something or it suited him. He was nasty and abusive to my mother and to me and my brother. I haven't ever shed a tear for him and I won't ever. If this is what you want then do what is best for you.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/06/2022 17:16

I'll never forgive my Sister for not going to our Mam's funeral and not seeing her in her last years.

It's entirely her right to do this but not giving the rest of the family the reason why is the action that makes it unforgivable. This doesn't mean you owe anyone an explanation though, it sounds like your family situation is toxic.

KangarooKenny · 05/06/2022 17:21

DH did. His realisation that he was mentally and physically abused as a child meant that he had no desire to go to his DF’s funeral.
Funnily enough he doesn’t blame his DM at all for not removing him from that situation.

TrulyFubar · 05/06/2022 17:21

I didn't attend my mother's funeral after 20 years of NC and it sits perfectly well with me. I have no regrets. Do what's best for you.

ODFOx · 05/06/2022 17:22

Funerals are briefly to honour the dead but mostly and manly to support the living.
If there are no other members of your family who will be mourning whom you may want to support then stay away. If you want to maintain a relationship with the other people then go.
Use it as an ending if you don't need it to be an opportunity to say goodbye.

caramac04 · 05/06/2022 17:26

I didn’t go to a parents funeral. My siblings fully understood and I had been nc for a few years prior to death.
it would have been hypocritical of me to attend. I’m glad I didn’t go and have never regretted it.

Libertybear80 · 05/06/2022 17:33

I didn't go to my brothers funeral because I was just so distraught. We all have our own reactions and they should be respected.

Simonjt · 05/06/2022 17:36

I didn’t go to my mothers, I won’t go to
my fathers. I wouldn’t attend the funeral of someone who abused ans neglected me if we weren’t related, so why would I make an exception due to a bit of DNA. Happily not seen them in years, no loss at all. It would have been weird to have gone to my mothers funeral. Although there was great relief that she couldn’t harm anyone else.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 05/06/2022 17:38

I didn’t attend my mothers. Nothing happened as a result.

GreyCarpet · 05/06/2022 17:43

I went to my dad's funeral but not to the wake. My dad had remarried and we weent welcome by her family and many of the friends they had had either not met us or didn't even know we existed.

I went to a house party they held once and someone he'd described to me as a good friend asked me how I knew them and, when I told him, seemed very surprised and hadn't actually known he had adult children!

I've been NC with my mother for 10 years. I shan't go to her funeral. I've already grieved the mother I should have had. This woman is a stranger to me. She is also in her 70s and has never enjoyed good health. My brother is also nc with her and her lies have ensured the rest of the family have cut us off so I'm not even sure I'd know tbh!

Pregnantcity · 05/06/2022 17:45

I have gone NC with 4 of my 5 siblings filling a very upsetting incident at my Dad’s funeral - my Mum does not remember what happened but I never want to see my 4 siblings again. It’s been a long time coming - I’d hoped to hold off till both my parents were dead but I have drawn the line. It will upset me to not go to my mum's funeral but I will get no comfort from my siblings or the attention I will get from not joining in. Staying away will be easier. The sibling I am still in contact understands my decision.

SchoolThing · 05/06/2022 17:54

My sister didn’t attend our mother’s funeral. It’s fine. We totally respect her decision.

JennieLee · 05/06/2022 18:01

I had a very difficult relationship with my father but attended his funeral. It is one way of knowing that people are really dead. It doesn't mean that you have to feel anything particularly positive about the person who died. There can also be an opportunity to see other people you might actually want to see e.g, if there were family friends who were positive and kind during your childhood. It is, of course, a purely personal decision. There is no right or wrong.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 05/06/2022 18:01

If you have made the decision to go NC, then it is better not to go the funeral. My sister did not come to my mothers funeral - we were not sure whether to even try to tell her (she has a very unstable lifestyle) but did in the end so she could make up her own mind. TBH I think it was best for everyone, including her, that she was not there.

allboysherebutme · 05/06/2022 18:05

I depend if you are not going because of them or other people,
If I had a good relationship with my parents but not my siblings, I would go to the funeral then leave, if it's everyone you have no contact with then it's your choice. X