Not going to a parents funeral

[lovenotwar149]

Does anyone have experience of not going to one of their parents funeral out of choice? This is a very likely situation for me after accepting and walking away from toxic/abuse from my family of origin. If anyone can relate to this, or has in fact done this because of similar reasons to my own, could you pls share the repercussions, if any, of not attending your own parents funeral. Many thanks

Don't think I'll be going to mine. Nobody is obligated to go to anyone's funeral, so if you don't want to go then that's entirely up to you and would seem to be a jolly good idea.

My older brother and sister didn’t go to our dads funeral and that was accepted without any repercussions within the rest of the family.

I didn’t go to my Fathers funeral. My brother said I would regret it.
I didn’t then and haven’t regretted it once in the 17 years since then
No repercussions as I wasn’t in touch with any of his side of the family and my Mum had divorced him by then

I have no advice but just wanted to lend support and a bit of understanding. I've been NC with my narcissistic alcoholic abusive mum for 16 years,I've heard through the grapevine she is very unwell and "might" not have long left. This has come from her flying monkey's,I decided a good few years ago I wouldn't go to her funeral.Ive no idea how I will feel at the time and I absolutely know I'm going to be pressured and made to try feel guilty by her sister(my aunt) amongst others,but I 💯 won't be going ,it would be hypercritical of me for starters,but this is a woman who has treated me with such distain and beyond violent horrific abuse all my life,I can't be there in death for her, I just can't.
Do what is right for you and do not feel guilty for your choices ❤️

I didn't go to my mother's funeral. (Never knew my father!). Her husband was vile so certainly wouldn't have gone to his anyway. (He died years ago!)
I went NC with both her and the whole of the family 30 years ago following years of abusive behaviour towards me from all of them.
Didn't even know she had died! Found out from the internet - similarly with half sister several years ago - 3 months after she died.
Sorry to say I was mildly shocked but nothing more. To be honest it was a type of relief feeling as a big chapter of my life was finally well and truly over.

We have the opposite. Sister is NC with mum. We know perfectly well that at mother’s funeral she will be there wailing and making the day all about her.

I went nc with my birth family after my mother died nearly 25years ago. Over time I relented and had a vague relationship with my father, but steadfastly refused any contact with my incredibly toxic siblings.

My father died 3 years ago and I did not attend his funeral. I feel that funerals are to help the living grieve and I had no interest in joining the charade that my siblings wanted to play out.

It was difficult as I felt like I ‘should’ go. But it was the right decision. Now I feel nothing but relief that I never need have any contact with my siblings ever again.

Do what feels right for you.

I think it depends on what culture you come from. In my culture I could not attend the funeral of a parent and then just leave - it would be impossible, I’d be surrounded by loads of people I knew and desperately trying to stay away from 4 siblings and their families, none of which I want to have any contact on any day especially that day when I will emotionally vulnerable.
Attending my mums funeral would not be closure, someone would make a stupid but well meaning attempt at a reconciliation - what’s happened between us can never be put right - it’s 50 years of abuse, you can’t just say sorry and move on - I tried to be the grown up and put it all behind me, they pretended to play nice and then they plotted against me at my father’s funeral and played the cruelest trick to hurt and humiliate me. I won’t be going back for seconds.

In my toxic family dynamic I am the scapegoat - everything is my fault, it’s quite amazing how it always plays out that way. After 50 years of being blamed for everything that goes wrong you realise that whether you were to blame or not is irrelevant, being right doesn’t matter, looking after yourself does and you achieve that by gently walking away. No drama, no public displays, no arguments- you give yourself the gift of peace. And they can continue to be blame me in my absence.

I know someone who didn't go to a parent's funeral. Sibling & surviving parent understood & forgave her.

NC with abusive, alcoholic father for over 30 years - he died and I didn’t find out until 6 months later, it was a shock but the decision was made for me regarding the funeral; apparently his new wife was angry with me and my siblings, no idea why as we’d had no contact or financial support in those 30 years!
In retrospect I’m glad I didn’t go to the funeral and have to deal with the toxic crap from his new family and my grandparents and auntie/uncle.
Visited the grave once and that was the end of it - to be honest it was a relief.

I am NC with my mother but I will likely go to her funeral. Am I a hypocrite? I am in touch with my sister who sees her regularly and we sometimes discuss. I would like to mark the fact that she was my mother but I was adversely affected by her choices and as a result chose not to see her in the last stages of her life

its a hard choice for some but this didn’t seem hard for me.