Would you think it's OK

[Leomii81]

If your DH was OK 95% of the time. Together 15yrz.He's hardworking stressful job, kind, helps with housework, loyal, trustworthy,. Other 5% very dogmatic, opiniated can be prone to sulks and silent treatment if thing's don't go his way. Finding some of the time I have to tread on eggshells in case he gets prickly. So many time's I've waited for him to " snap out of it' it's waring me down. Difficult to communicate with him about it as he shuts me down if I try to raise the subject and says it will lead to a row. So left always just accepting this is how it is

But what he’s doing is control. It’s up to you if you want to be like this for the rest of your life.

How much of the 95% is okay because you backdown/don't do things you'd like to/put his wants first?

Unreasonable behaviour.
I put up with that nonsense for years. Wore me down too.
Got out in the end. Big relief.
Very happy now.

Personally no I don't think it's ok. I had a similar thing with my DH. 90% of the time he was ok, 10% of the time he was angry, sulky, shouty and I had to tread on eggshells as to not set him off. As he got older the bad times increased and in the end I left. I got tired of saying to DS don't make dad angry, or dads in a bad mood today. My life was governed by what mood he was in.

Only you know your limits OP but just know your DH will never change and because you don't challenge it he will do it more and more. I guess it depends if him being in a good mood outweighs him being in a mad mood but don't kid yourself he will get better because he really really won't.

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none.

No one is 100% perfect, not even you.

id take 95% if that’s the real number, that’s more than pretty good!

Thanks for replies. I do back down a lot and find myself having to check/do something in order to not upset him. He doesn't like socializing much and event's of people so often means I miss out too

Maybe I’m missing something from your OP but someone who treats me well 95% of the time and 5% of the time is a bit moody, 100% I’d accept it because no one is perfect surely and I’m sure you have moments where you are not at your most pleasant? Who has a perfect partner 100% of the time?? Is it then safe to assume that you are also 100% perfect? I’ve never met such people.

But it sounds like things are missing from your OP based on others opinions. Maybe you’ve created other threads about him or I’ve misread your OP.

Maybe your right no one is perfect it's just so stressful sometimes

Still go to those events. My ex was the same but rather than miss out I went without him. In the early years I used to make up excuses but in the end I just said he was in a mood. Then I stopped inviting him anyway as I had a better time without him there.

You shouldn’t miss out on events because he chooses not to go. Go without him. As for you backing down, sod that, if you cannot agree you compromise and meet each other half way.

Are you being completely honest with yourself in regards to the 95/5% ratio OP? Because you’ve now added that you have to tiptoe around his feelings and miss out on events due to his behaviour. Sending love x

If you add up the sulking, you treading on eggshells not to spark him off and the blame. Sounds like more than 95% of the time.

Being generous 95% of a month is less than one day. So let's call it one day.

Yeah I could ignore the toddler man husband for up to a day a month.

But as I said it sounds like you have to curb your behaviour more than that. Why don't you keep a diary out of interest to just just how much of a month or two he is a controlling toddler and then decide if you can live with it or not.

If you often have to think about what you do, end up doing things do he isn’t upset etc… are you sure that he is a nice guy 95% of the time?
Or is that he looks nice etc… 95% of the time because you toe the line?

I think there is a difference between making compromises and being accommodating (normal in most relationship) and bending backwards so much that you forget who you are, and always end up walking in eggshells/doing things for him rather than for you.
Eg: the fact he doesn’t like to socialise doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or can’t.

So the question is, what’s going on for you? Do you think you can be yourself and he can just be a bit grumpy some of the time? Or is your life planned around him, his needs, his wants and his ideas?

Apparently all the women on MN are perfect angels. They never get moody or give their partners the silent treatment ever.

But tbh if 95% he is great, then I'm not sure why 5% would affect anything.

But if your unhappy then life is too short, leave him.

I think there is more to this story ♥️

Far from perfect, but I don’t think my partner has to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting me, I don’t use the silent treatment because, well I’m an adult and adults communicate and I don’t make him miss events because I don’t like going out.

The phrase treading on eggshells is a major red flag.

It is an indication that you have to be on hyper-alert in order to deal with unreasonable behaviour.

Don't change your plans because he doesn't want to join in.

If 5% of your sandwich was shit then would you still eat it? There’s your answer

He's fallen out with some of his family and is so stubborn he will not try to fix things and has told me to keep out of it

Been there, fine that.

Look up stonewalling and passive aggressive.

It drive me mad, things never got resolved and felt like there was no point saying anything. When I did it cleverly always got turned back on me.

Either accept it or don't. Couples counselling suggest, if he doesn't want to them it's probably not going to change or it's going to take a long time until he/you learn to communicate.

I'm on the fence, silent treatment is an abusive trait, yet I'm sure you're not 100% perfect. Everyone has flaws. It depends on how miserable he's making your life. Clearly enough for you to post about it

I wouldn't consider the silent treatment to be 5% of his character. I'd consider it to be a deal breaker for me. Someone else might be ok with i, but I think it's childish. I'd tell him he needs to use his words.

This is not ok.

I was married to a man who was emotional abusive amongst other abuse for over 20 years. Now I am divorced. I recognise the abuse has left lasting damage to me. I am still working on cutting the strands of rope from this situation as he continues to do his best to abuse me through the kids. But I also see that I am forging forward to heal from this too.

If things do not feel 100% right, then they are not.

I would think carefully about the situation. Kids are really affected by the abuse even if the abuse is aimed at you.

My eldest now has really bad MH issues. And sees that her dad is abusive. At one point she was blaming me from the lies he fed them, now she sees that what he said were lies.

I used to be the same with my moody DH. He would be great the majority of the time, but always uses silent treatment if he’s fed up about something I have or haven’t done. Now instead of keeping out of his way and therefore enabling his behaviour, I challenge him on it. I’m not saying it works every time, but it allows me to be more in control of the situation and make him aware that what he’s doing is not acceptable.