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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you think it's OK

44 replies

Leomii81 · 05/06/2022 08:00

If your DH was OK 95% of the time. Together 15yrz.He's hardworking stressful job, kind, helps with housework, loyal, trustworthy,. Other 5% very dogmatic, opiniated can be prone to sulks and silent treatment if thing's don't go his way. Finding some of the time I have to tread on eggshells in case he gets prickly. So many time's I've waited for him to " snap out of it' it's waring me down. Difficult to communicate with him about it as he shuts me down if I try to raise the subject and says it will lead to a row. So left always just accepting this is how it is

OP posts:
Leomii81 · 05/06/2022 11:38

How do you challenge someone on it

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 05/06/2022 11:42

The 95/5% split isn't a true reflection of the relationship though if you're having to modify your behaviour and walk on eggshells.

If you were being completely yourself all the time and being honest when your frustrated / sad / pissed off etc, it sounds like that 5% would be much higher?

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2022 11:44

The 95/5 percentage thing is rubbish because he has the potential to be a knob 100% of the time and you know what he’s like as a person

Blueuggboots · 05/06/2022 11:50

My exh was like this - especially with social events.
I'd go with other people!

Bananalanacake · 05/06/2022 11:52

When you say you can't go to events because of him do you think he is stopping you, what if you were to go without him would he be OK or sulk even more, if the latter he is controlling and it is best to leave.

FlowerArranger · 05/06/2022 11:54

How much time does he spend walking on eggshells or worrying about setting you off?

ChoiceMummy · 05/06/2022 12:05

Leomii81 · 05/06/2022 08:23

Thanks for replies. I do back down a lot and find myself having to check/do something in order to not upset him. He doesn't like socializing much and event's of people so often means I miss out too

If he opts out of social events, that's his choice, but I don't think that you should be appeasing his wishes by not attending if you wish to go.

yellowsmileyface · 05/06/2022 12:14

As others have pointed out, it seems that his behaviour is negatively affecting you more than just 5% of the time.

Sure, no one is perfect. But no one should feel they have to walk on eggshells around their partner, even if it is "only" 5% of the time.

So no, I don't think it's okay.

Cherryblossoms85 · 05/06/2022 12:16

Sounds like a fairly average bloke to me.

wellhelloitsme · 05/06/2022 12:31

@Cherryblossoms85

Finding some of the time I have to tread on eggshells in case he gets prickly.

So many time's I've waited for him to " snap out of it' it's waring me down.

Difficult to communicate with him about it as he shuts me down if I try to raise the subject and says it will lead to a row.

I do back down a lot and find myself having to check/do something in order to not upset him.

If this is the 'average bloke' to you then I'm afraid you haven't known many good blokes at all.

That's not your fault obviously but it's risky to tell other women this is a normal relationship dynamic, because it's a very unhealthy one.

mypinkslippers · 05/06/2022 12:52

It's an abuse tactic of control, a well known one.

I would say, given what you've put here, that he is pretty much a good guy, that you could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he isn't meaning to take advantage of you, rather he has fallen into a pattern that works and has not been challenged.

The action I would take would be to ask to sit down for a serious conversation. Unfortunately it will fall on you to create a safe environment for that - I'm talking about giving him one chance here, not accepting blame for his behaviour because you're not to blame.

But to be like 'look, I want to level with you, this isn't about me creating an argument or having a go, but it's about me wanting to address something that is very important'

And then lay it out for him that what he's doing isn't acceptable, because it isn't. Explain to him exactly what the effect of this behaviour is on you; walking on eggshells, basically he is controlling your mood and that isn't fair. Explain to him exactly what needs to be done, which is that he needs to take responsibility and cease using this method to make his life easier. He makes his life easier by treating you that way to get the effect that will cause him less pain, but it causes you more pain, it shifts HIS problem onto YOU which isn't okay.

Create that safe environment, give him that chance, and then if he chooses not to take the chance to correct his behaviour, given he's been given that opportunity in a safe environment, then you go from there and you decide whether you are willing to put up with that behaviour for the rest of your life.

If you are, then you must then accept it as that would be your choice.
If you are not, then you need to take steps to leave that relationship.

TheVolturi · 05/06/2022 13:06

Are you ok 100% of the time op? Is anyone?

Cherryblossoms85 · 05/06/2022 13:12

@wellhelloitsme it was a bit of a drip feed in that she said he's great 95% of the time. So 5% of the time he's an arse. So am I, probably. Obviously none of us know quite what she means, and I was going on what she said. If her relationship isn't making her happy then obviously she should change it.

Leomii81 · 05/06/2022 13:50

APpreciate replies.'m not perfect at all. He's a great support to me most of the time but he has strong views and opinions and if I don't agree which I often don't and voice that. He gets humpy then goes the sulking. Thort we'd got over all this obviously not. He can be difficult and won't do anything in life he doesn't want to

OP posts:
Leomii81 · 05/06/2022 13:51

This is helpful thank u

OP posts:
Whitehorsegirl · 05/06/2022 13:59

You have to tread on eggshells?

That's never acceptable. Sorry but I would not put up with this. This is immature and controlling behaviour from your partner.

Also, I am curious as to what would happen if you were not bending over backwards to accommodate his moods? would he react angrily? are you actually scared of him deep down?

Doesn't sound very healthy to me.

A really good guy would be able to have a conversation with you where you can openly share your concerns about how his behaviour is affecting you.

Nobody is perfect and we all get upsets/can be in a bad mood sometimes but this sounds like a pattern where you are being punished by the ''silent treatment'' and where you are repressing your true feelings to keep him happy.

frozendaisy · 05/06/2022 14:22

So how do you address this?

If he "won't" or "grumps" at doing something he doesn't want to you say
"Everyone has to do stuff they don't want to who made you Prince of the World to think you don't have to or you act like a stroppy toddler because you think you are Prince of the World, suck it up buttercup and start acting like a grown man"

And never pussyfoot around again. If he doesn't like it he can fuck off.

That's how I would handle it.
Bluntly in a nutshell.

stepuporshutup · 05/06/2022 14:43

PetersRabbitt · 05/06/2022 08:22

No one is 100% perfect, not even you.

id take 95% if that’s the real number, that’s more than pretty good!

Agree I was just going to write the same

ChristmasFluff · 05/06/2022 16:45

No-one is perfect, but not everyone is emotionally abusive (silent treatment and making you walk on eggshells). I'm pretty sure if this bloke was just normal crappy for 5% of the time, then you wouldn't be posting on mumsnet.

Just like the shit sandwich - if your cup of tea was 5% arsenic, would you drink it?

Where there's no compromise in a person (as you describe in your update) then there is no way to resolve issues in the relationship, because everything will he 'his way or the highway'.

Choose the highway.

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