Ex ruined my life but he’s enjoying his

[Threebutterflies]

I just feel so angry and frustrated. This man made my life absolutely miserable. 3 days after I gave birth to our baby he text me to say he has a girlfriend who’s he’s been with for years so was basically cheating on her with me the whole time.

Idiot me got back with him as was desperate not to be a single mum again. He was horrible to me the whole time calling me names and putting me down. Was a rubbish dad to our baby . I had 2 abortions when I was with him that has left me with bad mental health problems . He made it clear both times he didn’t want the babies and I’d be doing it all alone.

I later found out he was so against me having the babies as he was still with that same women and she would have found out he was still sleeping with me if I’d of had the babies. I feel so so stupid . I really thought me and him were together and now I know he was with her all along and I was just a bit on the side .

I’ve been left with so many mental health problems and he’s off living his life being happy. They go on holidays, share a car etc . I’ve been suicidal and still get suicidal because of how he treated me and the abortions. I’m on 150mg anti depressants daily and have self harmed.

It just seems so unfair ? He came into my life , ruined it now he’s off enjoying his ?

I felt the same.

But you just have to let it go because the anger will consume you.

I look at it like this. It was 1/10 of my life. Time to build and make a new one.

Allow yourself to feel angry, because it's natural but do t allow it to go on for too long, easier said than done.

I've spent months being angry, hurt, lonely but it's passing and so it will for you too.

OP, I thoroughly recommend therapy.
Different situation for me but with DC & abuse involved too.
Even though I finally ended it, I felt he had ruined my life. I too was very frustrated that he was out there getting on with a fun life while I was literally left holding the baby.
18 months on & 9 months of decent 'talking therapy' & I really am happy with life now & less interested in what he is doing 💐

The thing is he’s taken away the best years of my life. I was 29 when I met him , young , slim nice looking. I could have had a chance of meeting a nice man who would treat me right . Now I’m 40 , fat and ugly and messed up in the head . How can he not be bothered about what he's done to me ? No remorse, regret , anything ? I’d hate to have treated someone else so badly ! How can he be so happy when I’m contemplating suicide ?

I understand, I was 26 & 40 when I ended it. Also fat & messed up in the head!
Talking to someone completely independent has helped me to understand why I allowed him to treat me that way. I'm still fat though!
It is not your fault. He is a selfish arsehole who was having his cake & eating it. He has no respect for women full stop (including the OW)!
You have every opportunity to meet someone who will treat you nicely but not until you are in the right headspace.
You need to accept that this is not your fault and you are strong enough to move forward alone & make a good life for you and DC ...

It sounds really rough but you are only in your forties. There isn’t a time limit to meet someone when you’re ready. You can make positive changes in your life but you have to start looking after yourself rather than comparing your life to what you think his is or what you think you could have had if you hadn’t met him.

I would like to talk to someone about it . It’s just so hard seeing how happy he and his girlfriend are now ! The worst thing is I now think he enjoyed hurting me and got off on sneaking between the two of us. Like it gave him an ego trip? I was surprised that she got back with him but he probably didn’t tell her the full story.
Maybe if it wasn’t for the abortions I could try and move on but I feel like I’ve killed
my own children because of this man and it’s broken me as a person . Seeing them so happy Just rubbing salt into the wounds.

Lovey, I'm just the same - met my ex when I was 20, didn't manage to shake him off until i was 42 (and also fat!).

Its not the end of your life. You are NOT ugly - ugly is someone who would deliberately hurt someone and wreck their life. He may have a car and a holiday, but he is an ugly as fuck human being. I have no doubt that if you want to meet someone else, you will, but you need to be at peace with yourself first, otherwise you risk falling back into another shitty relationship with an arsehole.

Incidentally, you ask how can he be so happy when he hurt you so much? He's the one who's messed up in the head. Normal people don't act like him. He's wrong in the head and you couldn't ever change that.

Thankyou . I have been on 3 dates in the last 5 years since we split up but I haven’t been ready to be with another man. He’s put me off tbh . I missed out on my kids baby/toddler years because of him . So now I’m trying to spend all my time with them although now all they want to do is stay in there rooms. I just feel so frustrated all the time . Angry at myself for being so stupid. From that first time I found out he was with another women I should have run a million miles away !

There are sooooo many people where you are, it's normal to feel this way, embrace it, get angry but you need to move in from that and you will.

You are still young. Invest in yourself. Exercise, lose weight if you want to, do what you can for yourself to make yourself feel better.

Write down all the stuff you feel, keep a diary, write a letter to him but don't post it.

I was angry too, felt the same. I feel I endured a lot and 3 months I've been replaced and there is no admission of any blame. It's all me that is at fault.

You need to and you will get over it.

Don't let this guy win! Start living your life.

I know it's easier said than done, but look for the small things in life that make you happy... this can be a hobby, a walk in the countryside or simply watching DC play with friends.

He's not going to show you any unpleasantness in his life, i doubt his relationship is rock solid with all the shagging he's done (I doubt you were the only one) so he's likely in a relationship with a woman who doesn't trust him and has allowed him to bollock up her self esteem the same way he did yours.

Try to focus on him being one of the worst periods of your life and you're now putting yourself back together after it. If you allow it then you will end up bitter and unable to enjoy your life and you don't deserve that, I second talking to someone to organise your thinking a bit better.

It is brutally unfair the way that selfish, lying shit heads get to enjoy their lives because they're so unbothered by the hurt they cause, but you can't change that.
Decide not to let his shithousery affect the rest of your life

He's a bastard. He will treat her the same in the end.
You're still young at 40.
The best revenge is to live your life and be happy.

Could you consider a fresh start somewhere new? Might help to restart your life symbolically if you move away to a new place.

Of course if you have a child together then there may be childcare elements involved that make that harder. Maybe a holiday instead? Or even just a new home, if a new town isn't possible.

The less conctact you can have with him, the better. Block him on everything (social media ect) apart from one form of contact. Eg, a burner phone they you only check once per day. And only reply if its something relevant to the kid.

Exercises to allow you to let go of anger might be handy to learn too. Maybe get a punch bag. Allow yourself to be angry in bursts and then, let it go. Anger helps healing. But too much of it can consume you.

He isn't happy btw, because his sort are only capable of being happy fleetingly (usually when hurting someone and thinking they qre getting away with it). They always want something else. Nothing is enough for them. It's sad. They're pathetic.

The fact is, you're still young and besides, diets are effective when you stick to them. Especially before menopause. I lost around 3-4lbs a week with a healthy eating group (no exercise whatsoever, just healthier eating habits). You should join one that meets in person if you get a chance (slimming World, weight watchers ect). You'll be slim again in no time. And maybe make some pals too.

I am resolutely pro-choice but there is a thing around coerced abortions - which is what happened to you. You didn't make the choice to terminate those pregnancies freely and willingly, you had to deal with a great deal of pressure from a not very nice man who basically forced you into a corner.

I would (gently) suggest that dealing with this, talking it through and learning to be at peace with those decisions will help your mental health much more than him developing a horrible disfiguring disease or losing all his money or (finally) getting dumped and his cock shrivelling off. Cheering as those things would be.

I think you need very specific counselling around the terminations - could somewhere like BPAS help you with that? Do you have a workplace scheme, a friend had a thing where she got six sessions of counselling for free, it's actually quite common.

When I’m having a good day I think to myself he can only ruin my life if I let him . But I’ve been having a really bad week and the thoughts of self harm / suicide are creeping back . I can’t go any higher on my anti depressants. He didn’t force me to get the abortions, the second time he actually accused me of lying that I was pregnant. He said it wasn’t anything to do with him . Even though he’s the only man I’ve been with in the last 12 years. It was the fact that I’d have to raise the baby alone and I didn’t know if I could cope . I wish I’d of been stronger and just had the baby on my own .
I really wish we could just move away and make a fresh start . But my son is in year 8 and dosnt want to move schools ☹️

I promise you he’s not happy. He must be a very damaged individual to do what he’s done, my ex is the same. They will never be truly happy, ever, because they won’t do the work they need to heal. His relationship is a sham, you know this. Feel sorry for his partner because I promise she is not living a fairytale.

But now it’s time to focus on YOU. YOU deserve to be happy, and I agree that therapy will help you process what he’s done. Don’t let this shit stain take anymore of your happiness, please. Start thinking about what YOU want and take small steps to get there x

Well she’s win the booby prize hasn’t she. A lying cheating manipulative prick who would do anything to save his own skin.

You meanwhile are free and can have a good life now if you can find a way to let go of your guilt 💐

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, OP. 💐 As @RJnomore1 says though, you’re free from him now and this is your time. You’re doing a great job raising your son and your 40’s can be your best decade yet. At 48, I can honestly say that I’ve really enjoyed this decade (despite the pandemic and some family stresses). Having older children gives you freedom so think about what you want from life and go for it.
Forget about your arsehole ex, he’s someone else’s problem.

Thankyou for all your messages . I really want to forget him and move on . I have a 13 year old son who was 2 when I met my ex and then we have a ten year old daughter together . She doesn't see him anymore. This whole situation is just a complete mess.

How do you know he’s happy? Have you remained in contact or do you see what he posts on social media? Whatever the answer, either cut contact or remove yourself as a friend on his profiles.

You are torturing yourself with what you believe his life is like. You actually have no clue if he’s happy or not, you’re just buying into whatever he says/posts when you already know he’s a liar.

Focus on yourself. What’s done is in the past. You can’t change it but you can move forwards and make sure he doesn’t become part of your future.

Oh sweetheart. That is exactly what I'm talking about.

Here is a neutral statement: I'm unsure if I want a child at this point, but this is your body and your choice. Let's see if we can work it though.

Here is a coercive statement forcing you towards birth: women who have abortions are just sluts. If you kill our baby I'll tell everyone you're an immoral whore.

Here's a coercive statement forcing you towards termination: this isn't even my baby, just know I won't be having anything to do with it or you if you have it. I can't believe you want me to take on another man's kid.

Can you see the difference in those three sentences? It's really hard to get that across online, which is why I think seeing someone would be a good idea.

My life was a horror show of bad choices, awful men and financial struggles late thirties I decided something had to change and that something was me. To stop blaming my bad decisions on everything and to move forward making better choices. I had a hard 7 years with lots of reading, self help and some therapy and now I'm financially stable, about to hit 20 years drug free, happily married and that feels like a different person. You, and only you can change this he's irrelevant.

Write all your shit down. If you can't afford therapy it's the next best thing, but make sure you reflect and understand x

@MaChienEstUnDick
Yes I can definitely see what your saying . You sound like a very wise person . I have actually just started abortion counselling with a charity. I will always regret my choice but hopefully the counselling will help ease the pain a little.