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Original poster

‘I don’t understand the set up here’ - would you feel insulted?

42 replies

Eryoo · 04/06/2022 10:17

I had to post this as I feel confused and hurt and don’t know if I’m overreacting.

Recently I moved out of the flat I shared with DP of 2.5 years rented flat (which was awful) to my house. My house is nothing special but it’s pretty, warm, much nicer than the flat and has a garden and is very sunny. I guess I love it as I bought it and worked hard for it etc.

i had to move back as I have a temporary relocation with work on a project I’ve been put on. Discussed with DP and he said he would spend weekends and some week nights with me here for a change. It’s around 45 miles drive.

Anyway, it’s only been 2 weeks and so far I’ve been met with so much criticism.

‘Can I just ask, the place is quite bare apart from books, do you just like to live like that?’

’nothing is finished’ (it’s a Victorian property and was recently valued at 310 for a 2 bed terrace so it’s not in bad condition, that is the nature of the property, fireplaces a bit off centre etc).

and the latest…

’I don’t understand the set up here, what do you do?’

I am not sure what he meant by this but when I asked he just muttered that he didn’t understand what I did here and walked off. It’s just a house, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, dining, garden…so I just live here? Like anyone else would I assume?

I tried to brush it off at first but I’m starting to feel pissed off by it. He’s complained when it’s been cold and when it’s been hot, and so it goes on. He doesn’t seem to want to make any effort to be here but was quite happy for me to have a tiny tiny space in his flat when I moved in, which I just got on with and embraced even though it was an absolute dump compared to my own place!

I just can’t believe I’m writing this really. It’s all so immature. Would you feel hurt?!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2022 10:20

I think you moving back to your house because of work has done you a real favour here. You and he should no longer be at all together and this relationship should be at an end now. He sounds like a fun sponge who likes to put you and your house down in order to big himself up.

OrlandointheWilderness · 04/06/2022 10:21

He's probably worried you have effectively moved out and feeling a bit sensitive because he can't give you a nice place like you have. Plus you've probably made him aware you think his place is a dump even if you don't think you have - not a lovely phrase to use about someone's home. Why doesn't he move in with you?!

Badqueen · 04/06/2022 10:26

Not much of a relationship by the sounds of it.

Yutes · 04/06/2022 10:29

There’s no way of guessing why someone is acting the way they are.

But he’s being very rude and taking the shine off of your house. Your home.

You like it. You are compwletrly right to be proud of it.

Call him out each time he says something rude.
He says “the place is bare” you say “it’s minimalist. I like it.” Etc.
and if it comes to it - just tell him he doesn’t need to stay there at all. Because, presumably he doesn’t, if it is your place, in your name.
fill your home with love

Ragruggers · 04/06/2022 10:34

He has the hump because you have your own home and he rents a flat which you say is a dump.Stay in your lovely house with a garden and tell him to sod off,He sounds immature and jealous.Why are you with him?

Annonymiss123 · 04/06/2022 10:38

Ragruggers · 04/06/2022 10:34

He has the hump because you have your own home and he rents a flat which you say is a dump.Stay in your lovely house with a garden and tell him to sod off,He sounds immature and jealous.Why are you with him?

My thoughts exactly!

I think he’s jealous of your lovely home and is trying to put you down.

burnoutbabe · 04/06/2022 10:38

It sounds a bit weird

Is it rented out normally so you have no personal stuff there?

Or are you doing it up and therefore paying mortgage and rent?

I assume he is just concerned that you have moved out and not told him? I don't think I'd move myself into another place for a short term project that was 45 miles away without my partner. Unless I didn't want to be with him.

TibetanTerrah · 04/06/2022 10:39

I had similar with someone I (briefly) dated, but sort of the other way around. I live in a really tiny rental in a city centre. He had recently bought a flat in a much cheaper town about 20 miles away. However, all of his friends and social life was in my city so he was always my way. He absolutely loved the convenience of being able to drive here, go out to drink, and stay at mine without worrying about getting home.

Yet every single time he stayed, he would criticise my place. "Such a tiny bathroom", "so weird that the walls are at strange angles", "the fridge doesn't sit flush against the wall, that drives me nuts".

Needless to say, he didn't last long. It's beyond rude to criticise someone's home, whether their own is better or worse. My flat has its annoying quirks but I love the location, you'd have to pay me to live in his sleepy town with none of the conveniences that mine has right on my doorstep.

If your partner is going to be rude, just stop inviting him over. It sounds like it's some weird control thing that he realises that your place is "better" and he's worried about the status quo and dynamics of your relationship changing as the practical thing would be to move into your place.

Daenerys77 · 04/06/2022 10:56

Yes, I would feel insulted and ask him what he meant by it.

Ilady · 04/06/2022 11:22

You saved hard to buy your home. You have been living with you dp for over 2 years in a dump of a rented flat. This might have been the chance you were waiting for to move into your own home. Most people I know that buy a house often buy a place that needs a bit of work ie some fresh paint or better furniture. They then save a bit of money to repair, replace things or decorate the place in stage's.

My feeling is that your dp is jealous that you now have a home and he is still renting. Has he suddenly realized that he now has to pay the full rent and bills in his current flat? Is he expecting that he can move with you but you never mentioned this?

To be honest I hate to have to listen to him complaining about the house you worked hard to buy. He is showing his true colours now. I would be thinking now do you want to stay in a relationship with him when he is being nasty about your good fortune to be able to buy a house at the moment.

Hugasauras · 04/06/2022 11:24

He is absolutely trying to bring you down by being negative. Not a nice trait at all.

dudsville · 04/06/2022 11:26

There's something weird going on. He's not comunicating clearly. How can one person not understand another person's home? That doesn't make sense. So he's critical of something, but perhaps it's not your actual house, perhaps it's your choice to keep it, or perhaps he's looking to make a reason to end the relationship, or as a pp said maybe it makes him refelct poorly on his own choices? Either way, I'd ask him to clarify what he's thinking and feeling and go from there.

Mabelface · 04/06/2022 11:30

I think the phrase "if you don't like it, then fuck off" would fit nicely here.

EmmaH2022 · 04/06/2022 11:31

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2022 10:20

I think you moving back to your house because of work has done you a real favour here. You and he should no longer be at all together and this relationship should be at an end now. He sounds like a fun sponge who likes to put you and your house down in order to big himself up.

This.

I'm not clear on the details, but it sounds like you moved out of this lovely home to live in a horrible place with a partner?!

Beautiful3 · 04/06/2022 12:02

He's jealous you have a lovely house, while he rents a dump of a flat. He's trying to put you off it, by saying bad things about it. Because he doesn't want you living there, he wants you back in his flat. I don't think he's right for you, at all.

Gotmynewshoes · 04/06/2022 12:03

I think it sounds like he doesn't like the idea of you being able to successfully live life without being dependent on him. Rather than taking it as a compliment that you, a self sufficient person in your own right, are choosing to be with him because you want to be, he is taking offence because you don't existentially need him.

Yes, he's immature.

honeylulu · 04/06/2022 12:03

He sounds awful and jealous. Something sounds familiar though ... are you the poster who is 6.5 months pregnant and partner is horrible to you when he visits at weekends??? If so this is about more than minimalist decor. Pregnant or not please dump him!

IncompleteSenten · 04/06/2022 12:06

The set up here is I own this house. I've moved back so I can work and it still needs work doing to it which hasn't been finished because I've been living with you
What part of that would you like me to explain further?

Seriously. Fuck him. He's sulking and jealous and it's obvious why.

Howshouldibehave · 04/06/2022 12:07

I’m confused-you moved in with him and lived together for 2.5 years, but then bought a house? On your own or with him? Have you split up? If you’ve split up, why would you move back with him? Why is he staying with you? When he says he doesn’t understand the set up, is he referring to your relationship? I’m confused, maybe he is too?

sonjadog · 04/06/2022 12:11

Sounds like jealousy. He wants to bring you down a peg or two. Very unattractive.

pastypirate · 04/06/2022 12:13

Beautiful3 · 04/06/2022 12:02

He's jealous you have a lovely house, while he rents a dump of a flat. He's trying to put you off it, by saying bad things about it. Because he doesn't want you living there, he wants you back in his flat. I don't think he's right for you, at all.

This

5zeds · 04/06/2022 12:15

Just ask him? I think he doesn’t like you having a nice big two bed house. I’d want to know if that was the case because I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. Ask him and then if necessary ask him to go home.

queenMab99 · 04/06/2022 12:22

I think some people, mainly men, have a different attitude to 'home', when I met my late husband we were in our 40s, he owned his house, and it had all the basics like electricity, gas, and water, he also had 2 lodgers, friends of his, who were, for one reason or another, in need of somewhere to live. The house was clean, but not homely and comfortable, there was a spare wheel from his trade vehicle in the hall, the small yard at the back was used for parking his car and his van. It was more of a storage facility than a home, although there was a sitting room with TV etc . My house was where I had brought up my children, and although I didn't have a lot of money, it was comfortable and nicely decorated, and stylish(to me!)
He loved living here, and appreciated the difference, but admitted that he didn't know how to make a place homely, it was just not in him. He was a great handyman, gardener and decorator but needed pointing in the right direction. He sold his own house eventually, but while he owned it, he was very defensive about it, so I didn't criticise it after questioning the spare wheel in the hall😂
It may be that when he visits your home he sees the difference and feels he needs to disparage it because his own is inadequate.

Horological · 04/06/2022 12:25

Funnily enough something similar happened with DP (now DH) when we were first together. I loved my Victorian flat because of the character and original features and have never been particularly interested in having a big TV/Sofa suites etc.

DP comes from another country where homes aesthetics are completely different. To him, having the most modern fixtures and fittings is what people aim for, as well as it being important to get brand new sets of furniture. DP was mystified at my shabby chic characterful home and MIL and SIL made it clear they felt sorry for us at 'having' to live with mismatched furniture and 'old fashioned' windows and bannisters.

Anyway, DP had to move in with me because he didn't have a place of his own and gradually my taste has prevailed!

It could be that your DP just has a different idea of what a home should look like, because of his background or what he has been exposed to before. Having said that, he might have other outlooks that don't match with yours as well?

MiniCooperLover · 04/06/2022 12:28

He's trying to put doubts in your mind so that when the temporary relocation for work is over you'll move straight back to his shitty flat. And you challenging him on his queries meant he didn't know what to say to you ... ignore or tell him you're onto him and that's enough, no more to he said from him.