‘I don’t understand the set up here’ - would you feel insulted?

[Eryoo]

I had to post this as I feel confused and hurt and don’t know if I’m overreacting.

Recently I moved out of the flat I shared with DP of 2.5 years rented flat (which was awful) to my house. My house is nothing special but it’s pretty, warm, much nicer than the flat and has a garden and is very sunny. I guess I love it as I bought it and worked hard for it etc.

i had to move back as I have a temporary relocation with work on a project I’ve been put on. Discussed with DP and he said he would spend weekends and some week nights with me here for a change. It’s around 45 miles drive.

Anyway, it’s only been 2 weeks and so far I’ve been met with so much criticism.

‘Can I just ask, the place is quite bare apart from books, do you just like to live like that?’

’nothing is finished’ (it’s a Victorian property and was recently valued at 310 for a 2 bed terrace so it’s not in bad condition, that is the nature of the property, fireplaces a bit off centre etc).

and the latest…

’I don’t understand the set up here, what do you do?’

I am not sure what he meant by this but when I asked he just muttered that he didn’t understand what I did here and walked off. It’s just a house, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, dining, garden…so I just live here? Like anyone else would I assume?

I tried to brush it off at first but I’m starting to feel pissed off by it. He’s complained when it’s been cold and when it’s been hot, and so it goes on. He doesn’t seem to want to make any effort to be here but was quite happy for me to have a tiny tiny space in his flat when I moved in, which I just got on with and embraced even though it was an absolute dump compared to my own place!

I just can’t believe I’m writing this really. It’s all so immature. Would you feel hurt?!

@Eryoo

He's green with jealousy, isn't he? You've bought your own lovely home with garden, nice internal features and you're not dependent on him...

Just make sure the conversation doesn't change, at some time in the not too distant future, to him moving in, then issues with money, then suggesting it would be fairer (for him) to go in the mortgage/deeds so he gets a "fair" share of your equity on the house you've bought... 🌹

Can I just ask, the place is quite bare apart from books, do you just like to live like that

2 weeks? After living with him for 2.5 years?

what does he expect, the Ritz?

Is he this much a dick at other times?

To me he sounds either controlling or that he's precipitating a break up. I wouldn't hang around for either, personally.

In my experience most of the men in my life have a different view of what makes the perfect home. It's a battle DH and I are still fighting occasionally. He likes to have everything full of media and tech - TVs in almost every room, big screens, speakers, massive sofas for lounging about. I'm trying to contain all this to one or two rooms and I'd like quiet cosy spaces with bookshelves, a comfy armchair to curl up in and a reading light!

He's negging it. What an arse.

He liked you living with him because sex was immediately available. It isn't any more, and he's miffed.

I had a boyfriend like this - its the sign of immaturity, that he's jealous of something that is yours, a home you made by yourself. Its a red flag.

He's immature, jealous and pissed off that he has to pay the full rent and bills in his dump of a flat. He's not going to make any effort to go to see you. I would get rid and start afresh in your lovely new home.

I just can’t believe I’m writing this really. It’s all so immature. Would you feel hurt?!

No. I would feel disappointed that he is such a jealous, insecure dickhead that he needs to resort to negging me about my home, & relieved I found out what he's really like.

Wow.
There's always one, but to encounter it just 2 posts in is impressive.

Take note OP.
Your b/f's negging & undermining of you is all your own fault, & to make it up to him you should install him in your home so he can continue to make you miserable.
Obviously you need to avoid making him feel "sensitive", so make sure you allow him to cocklodge off you shamelessly.

@KettrickenSmiled oh there's more than just one on MN. You've managed to put quite a lot more into my post than I intended to say for some reason. Definitely didn't say for example that it was the fault of the OP.
Crickey it's a strange site this. I do apologise, I forgot entirely for a moment there than people must have the same view on things. Seems to defeat the object of a discussion board but oh well!

Definitely didn't say for example that it was the fault of the OP.
Definitely implied it @OrlandointheWilderness:
Plus you've probably made him aware you think his place is a dump even if you don't think you have - not a lovely phrase to use about someone's home.

Crickey it's a strange site this. I do apologise, I forgot entirely for a moment there than people must have the same view on things. Seems to defeat the object of a discussion board but oh well!
When a PP's view comprises advising OP whose b/f has embarked on a campaign of undermining her to move that b/f into her home, it's hardly defeating the object of a discussion board to oppose that view.

It was a suggestion. I don't think some of the comments on this thread can really be based on fact given all the information we have and the three direct quotes we've been given. A huge amount of projecting goes on here and we simply do not know this man, this poster or their relationship. I probably should've asked why they had moved into his instead of hers but I do stand by the fact the OP was very rude and dismissive about his place.
All I was doing was attempting to be empathetic and thinking how I would feel if my partner moved in with me than effectively moved out again.

OP,

He is showing you who he is.

And it's not nice.

Rude, begrudging, jealous negative, immature.

I think you are completely unsuited to each other and you willcome to bitterly regret not acting on this.

Enjoy your home and dump his ass.

I'd have shown him the door of my home and told him not to darken it again !

I'd guess he's jealous.

You've got a lovely Victorian house you own and he's renting a shitty little flat. He's probably embarrassed that he perceives you as being more successful, especially if you didn't big yourself and your house up when you met.

So, so, so many men are like this. They feel inadequate and try to chip away at you and bring you down. It's unbelievably common. I'd say at least half the men I've dated or even known have been like this to some extent. Plenty of men are full of talk about how they want a successful, independent woman, but not many can actually handle the reality of it.

Bin him off.

"To me he sounds either controlling or that he's precipitating a break up."

An ex of mine criticised my flat, said he found it boring, my shower was too small etc. As said above by a previous poster, he was precipitating a breakup, which eventually happened. I regret not pulling him up on it more at the time.