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Original poster

Have you ever stopped fancying your DP and then attraction came back?

28 replies

sintrawest · 03/06/2022 22:01

Just wondered if anyone had any similar experiences and things resolved in a successful way....

I'm in a relationship of 6 years and I would say about 1 and a half years ago the attraction from my side seemed to disappear. I think this started from when for medical reasons my sex drive just disappeared and we never regained the same kind of relationship. Sex was great for the first part of our relationship before this. I don't think I fancy him and we very rarely have sex, I just really don't want to and the few times we have, I feel uncomfortable and a bit upset afterwards. I try to build up to doing it but just can't bring myself to.

Writing it out it sounds obvious (!) but I wondered if anyone else has been through a long period like this and managed to get things back on track again. We are a great team otherwise, cuddly, enjoy the same things, same life goals and have built a lovely life together.

I admittedly haven't really made a sustained effort to improve things (we are already really cuddly so have intimacy in that way) so it's not surprising it hasn't changed, though I suppose that's because I don't know if I really want to have more intimacy (in terms of anything sexual) with him. My sex drive itself is fine now. This isn't what I want in a long term relationship though and it makes me very unhappy..

Has anyone else experienced similar and it's got better, or can you never start to fancy someone again?

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 03/06/2022 22:03

Yup! Sex drive fell off a cliff, didn't want him near me, then one day I found myself looking at him while he slept and thinking "I don't love you anymore"

...turns out my depression was back and once I got myself back on medication I was 100% in love with him again, and back to enjoying sex.

Original poster
sintrawest · 03/06/2022 22:24

Thanks for the reply @MolliciousIntent sorry about your depression, glad you had a happy ending with relationship Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
sintrawest · 03/06/2022 22:58

anyone else?

OP posts:
Attwoodsladyfriend · 03/06/2022 23:08

Nope. Once the ick sets in then the clock is ticking.

oviraptor21 · 03/06/2022 23:10

It's a no from me.

hurtslove · 03/06/2022 23:35

What was the medical reason, OP, if you don't mind sharing?
You say your sex drive has come back. Do you find other men attractive?
Is your OP romantic and caring?

herewithmyfrog · 03/06/2022 23:50

With all my longer term sexual partners I think my interest in them sexual waned after a while.
I assume that's biology, new partners are going to be more exciting even if the sex isn't actually better, the novelty makes it more appealing in my experience.

NotYourOscarSpeech · 04/06/2022 00:04

I wouldn’t say it was quite as extreme as the ick (which I did well and truly get with an ex), but about 4 years into my relationship with (now) DH I started finding him cringey and awkward, and just generally not wanting to be around him or have sex - we lived together. Probably lasted about 3 months, but I was at an awkward stage of my life struggling to find the right graduate job.

I got over it, it’s now 8 years later and we are married with an incredible 2 year old and another baby on the way, and I love him more every day.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/06/2022 00:19

Yes.

I have fell in and out of love with him at different stages.

I'm not sure if it is how you'll feel again. Do you still care for him deeply?

Theimpossiblegirl · 04/06/2022 00:30

It can come and go. We both work long hours and I'm sure he finds me just as annoying sometimes. But we do still love each other and go through stages of higher and lower physical attraction.
We've been together decades though.

Sunnytwobridges · 04/06/2022 01:15

Yeahhh for me once it’s gone , it’s gone for good unfortunately

KangarooKenny · 04/06/2022 07:13

No.

whateveryousay · 04/06/2022 07:17

Our sex life was ‘gone for good’, or so I thought. I just didn’t fancy DH at all. Then I started HRT including testosterone, and everything went back to ‘normal’. Could it be menopause related?

AllAloneInThisHouse · 04/06/2022 07:20

If you love each other and gave a good life, what does it matter?
sex isin’t necessary.
sounds like you have a really good and stable relationship.

Original poster
sintrawest · 04/06/2022 11:13

hurtslove · 03/06/2022 23:35

What was the medical reason, OP, if you don't mind sharing?
You say your sex drive has come back. Do you find other men attractive?
Is your OP romantic and caring?

@hurtslove Antidepressants, killed it stone dead and although I came off them after 6 months the sex drive didn’t seem to come back, it did get better but not like it was before. I do find other men attractive yes, and have no problems by myself, generally I have quite a high sex drive.

We had a rough patch and I told him I was finding things difficult, wasn’t sure about the future and whether I felt the attraction was still there between us. He said his confidence took a massive hit then and I think he doesn’t really try sexually since then because he’s scared of getting rejected.

He’s very caring yes, can’t do enough for me, always puts me first. But he’s not very proactive in sorting out our problems and looking to improve things, I always start the conversations about it, never him

OP posts:
Original poster
sintrawest · 04/06/2022 11:15

whateveryousay · 04/06/2022 07:17

Our sex life was ‘gone for good’, or so I thought. I just didn’t fancy DH at all. Then I started HRT including testosterone, and everything went back to ‘normal’. Could it be menopause related?

@whateveryousay thanks for sharing. Hopefully not that for me, I’m only 30 and it’s my attraction for him that’s the problem and not my sex drive generally though

OP posts:
YRGAM · 04/06/2022 11:19

To be fair, what can he do about to improve things? It's you that feels that way and can't articulate a reason why. I don't mean to be harsh but unless you can put your finger on what is wrong, you need to let him go so he can meet someone who actually likes him

Original poster
sintrawest · 04/06/2022 15:52

YRGAM · 04/06/2022 11:19

To be fair, what can he do about to improve things? It's you that feels that way and can't articulate a reason why. I don't mean to be harsh but unless you can put your finger on what is wrong, you need to let him go so he can meet someone who actually likes him

Thanks your reply, no doesn’t sound harsh! I think when we initially had this problem it was still always me initiating, and I felt like we’d both lost our confidence and needed to make more of an effort. I suggested we do certain things to try and improve intimacy, that we should both initiate lower level sexual stuff as i thought we could built up to it and get back in the rhythm of things …but still all this came from me, and he hardly ever did the things that we’d agreed we’d do to improve things. So maybe I still feel really resentful that he didn’t put the effort in when I really was.

OP posts:
Original poster
sintrawest · 04/06/2022 15:55

AllAloneInThisHouse · 04/06/2022 07:20

If you love each other and gave a good life, what does it matter?
sex isin’t necessary.
sounds like you have a really good and stable relationship.

@AllAloneInThisHouse for me, sex is a necessary and critical part of a relationship and I’m unhappy without it. I want to properly fancy my partner and have that spark, even if that does wane naturally in long term relationships over the years.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/06/2022 16:51

It comes across as the relationship is over for you.

Imagine that you have split with him for a moment? Would you feel relieved and freedom.
You owe it to yourself to be honest, are you staying to spare his feelings? Is that fair to you?

Xztop · 04/06/2022 17:48

No, it never came back for me. We stayed together for 11 years in a sexless marriage. Breaking up (once I'd got over the guilt of not being attracted to him or loving him anymore) was the best thing I could have done- for both of us.

samsera · 04/06/2022 17:58

Attwoodsladyfriend · 03/06/2022 23:08

Nope. Once the ick sets in then the clock is ticking.

This

Original poster
sintrawest · 04/06/2022 18:26

EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/06/2022 16:51

It comes across as the relationship is over for you.

Imagine that you have split with him for a moment? Would you feel relieved and freedom.
You owe it to yourself to be honest, are you staying to spare his feelings? Is that fair to you?

Thanks for your reply. I’ve imagined it a million times to try and gauge how I would feel - sometimes I feel relieved but mainly uncertain, scared about the future, worried about whether I’ve done the right thing, sad…

OP posts:
Original poster
sintrawest · 04/06/2022 22:45

Xztop · 04/06/2022 17:48

No, it never came back for me. We stayed together for 11 years in a sexless marriage. Breaking up (once I'd got over the guilt of not being attracted to him or loving him anymore) was the best thing I could have done- for both of us.

@Xztop Can I ask, how did you know you didn’t love him anymore and how to know when to call it?

OP posts:
Kitten2 · 04/06/2022 22:55

Yes. I have fallen out of love them fallen back in. And I have stopped fancying and then have that attraction re ignite. In fact I think it goes round in circles a bit.

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