Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH won't let me be a "Facebook friend"

35 replies

comebacksun · 03/06/2022 04:34

Dh and I have a pretty rocky relationship. I'd say due to issues with his kids and also around sex (since I had our 2 dc). Over the 22 years that we've been together, it's been very up and down.
In 2017, we separated for 6 months.
While we were separated, he signed up to fb.
He won't let me become "friends" with him. His reason is that he's joined groups that I would have no interest in, so it's not got anything to do with me.
Every time I bring it up, he shuts down the conversation. Would you think this is a red flag?

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 03/06/2022 04:59

Yes, it’s a red flag. He is hiding you. The groups thing is very weird. Who has the same groups as all their fb friends.

Did you have therapy when you got back together?

oopsfellover · 03/06/2022 05:11

That does sound like a red flag- you can’t even see other people’s groups on FB so it wouldn’t matter if they interest you or not. How much do you trust him generally?

bigfatsighing · 03/06/2022 05:59

YANBU. What’s he hiding?

TreeP0se · 03/06/2022 06:09

Yanbu

springbreak22 · 03/06/2022 06:31

🚩

Original poster
comebacksun · 03/06/2022 06:32

Thanks all. I think you're right, it feels to me like he's hiding me. I'm not sure if I trust him. He's very secretive.
I had therapy while we were separated. He would never dream of it, as he believes I'm the cause of all our problems.
I just wanted to know what people thought of him not wanting me to see his fb.
The thing is, even not being his "friend" I can see when he changes his profile pic and the comments from people. I've never seen anything suspicious. Maybe he's just strange (he definitely is!)

OP posts:
seaUrchinOne · 03/06/2022 09:33

He signed up when you separated and now won't add you, sorry but I suspect that he has befriended other women he doesn't want you to know about or dating groups. If you DH keeps you at arms length it's wrong, he should be the closest person in your life, the one you can trust, you're not feeling this and it's not you.

GreyCarpet · 03/06/2022 10:43

Well he's hiding something, isn't he?

He either wants to hide you.

Or he's hiding things from you - fb friends; posts he makes, groups he's in; his online activity basically.

This would be a deal breaking 🚩 for me I'm afraid.

LondonMaybe · 03/06/2022 10:45

Hugely.
he can be friends with you on Facebook and in groups that you can’t see he’s a member of so he doesn’t want to acknowledge you exist publicly.

WizardOfAus · 03/06/2022 11:18

His reason is that he's joined groups that I would have no interest in, so it's not got anything to do with me.

What does that even mean?

CandyCaneLane0 · 03/06/2022 11:24

My ex did this, he was cheating..

LondonBased · 03/06/2022 11:24

Massive red flag.

IncompleteSenten · 03/06/2022 11:25

Of course it is.

Pinkbonbon · 03/06/2022 11:26

Yup. Looking to shag other women. Keeping you a secret, presenting himself as single.

If he did it when you were apart and he has kept it going then I'm guessing he is already talking to someone.

Tbh if the relationship is 'rocky' then it's time to go anyway though. Life is too short.

lostinwoods · 03/06/2022 11:32

YANBU - Very weird. Are you thinking of leaving him?

BadWolf2022 · 03/06/2022 11:39

I don't have my DH on Facebook.

Facebook ruins relationships. It's not a red flag. It's just a website ffs.

yellowsmileyface · 03/06/2022 11:46

The fact he thinks you're the cause of all your problems is perhaps a bigger red flag.

That sounds emotionally abusive, and it's pretty much impossible to make a relationship work with someone who has that mentality.

The whole groups thing is weird and such an obvious excuse.

beachcitygirl · 03/06/2022 11:49

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 x 1000

squishee · 03/06/2022 11:58

BadWolf2022 · 03/06/2022 11:39

I don't have my DH on Facebook.

Facebook ruins relationships. It's not a red flag. It's just a website ffs.

Mine is not on FB. I agree - "antisocial media" can make people drift apart. It can have you see a side to someone that you didn't know about - good or bad (may well be bad in your DH's case).

yellowsmileyface · 03/06/2022 12:01

BadWolf2022 · 03/06/2022 11:39

I don't have my DH on Facebook.

Facebook ruins relationships. It's not a red flag. It's just a website ffs.

You really don't think it's a red flag that he's refusing to add her and shuts the conversation down every time she tries to talk about it?

Beachsidesunset · 03/06/2022 12:04

Why on Earth would you choose to be with someone who sees you as 'the cause of all his problems'?

MayMi · 03/06/2022 12:20

I think it's a red flag. If you can't get him to add you then maybe make a fake account and get him to add you that way. Or if you get the opportunity to snoop through his phone etc then do.

wellhelloitsme · 03/06/2022 12:21

I had therapy while we were separated. He would never dream of it, as he believes I'm the cause of all our problems.

Facebook is small fry compared to this.

Do you really want to be with someone who believes you're the cause of all your problems together?!

LostSocksBrigade · 03/06/2022 12:54

While I don't think Facebook is important in itself, if my partner was willfully hiding things from me I think I'd probably walk away. It's not really about the website at the root of it, it comes down to trust and honesty. I had this with an ex, he did this across every app etc, and after a gruelling year he turned out to have NPD but acted like I was the issue, I was too sensitive, I shouldn't question him. It isn't you, at least as far as my outsider perspective can tell. It's just a small issue that's indicative of much bigger issues really isn't it. I'm sorry op.

theonlygirl · 03/06/2022 13:16

Apparently there's something called Facebook dating but I dunno if you could see if he was on there if you were his FB friend. You could see all his other "friends" and groups I think.