Supporting each other after affair discovery

[ettiespaghetti]

Hi is there anyone else out there dealing with the aftermath of discovering an affair ? I’d appreciate support from people that are experiencing the same awfulness !

Yes considered ending it, but I just can’t right now, things are too unstable, I worry about being able to cope with the kids on my own, I guess it’s more fear than anything.
But also deep down I just know he can’t have really loved me, as much as he likes to say otherwise, it just can’t be true.
he obviously now has a sense of duty to stay, and try and ‘fix’ it, but there was nothing forcing him to sleep with other women other than genuine desire, selfish though it was, particularly for the most recent where he was obviously very emotionally attached.
obviously that seems more reflective of what he actually wanted. So I just question his motivations for trying to make it work.

@Jolie654 no, I don't think he actually loves you if he can treat you like that (nor mine) but I've learned from experience that if you forgive them once, they think you always will and they have little incentive to stay faithful. And living on edge, always worrying about where they are / who they are speaking to / whether they are lying is just beyond exhausting.

I'm going through this too although my DH won't admit it. He has followed the script to a tee.
I'm now having to find somewhere to live as my In Laws own this house.
It is brutal like no pain I have ever experienced ever, I cannot eat keep sobbing and have been prescribed diazepan.
How could somebody who knew the depth of my vulnerabilities destroy me and cause me so much pain.
I hate him and I hate her, their shitty selfish behaviour that knows no bounds, to destroy somebody because of crafty sneaky meetings and fleeting excitement and to throw away a perfectly good marriage because you think you are entitled to more is despicable.
There is a special place in hell for people like this.

I just wanted to say that it really does get easier with time, I found out about 9 years ago and at the time I was devastated, just couldn’t believe my exh was capable of such deceit and selfishness. Sometimes I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive the pain, but I did and everyone on this thread now going through this will feel ok again, even though it maybe doesn’t feel like that right now. My exh apologised about a year ago, said it was because he was immature and I think that is often the case.
But since then I have met someone new, who actually is a great person. I think cutting contact to a minimum is the best advice I would give to survive this, so that you can work through how you feel without an entitled selfish man-child messing up your head.

How is everyone this evening ?

I've had a good day today - was busy with friends and their celebrations and it was lovely to leave the affair and pain at home

My nervous system seems to have settled a bit as a result 💪

I'm actually feeling very proud of myself this weekend. I've taken the kids to a wildlife park and a theme park and then a birthday party. I've also managed to pain my garden shed and keep on top of housework and ironing. I've planted some bits in the garden too.

He and her are still creeping into my thoughts though. They having a relaxing jubilee weekend sipping drinks in the sun. I actually hate the pair of them.

I desperately want him to ask me back, not because I would take him, but my ego and self esteem have taken such a battering I want to know that I'm not all bad and there was something redeeming about me

Having a pretty bad day here.

My DP is still here and can't really go anywhere else right now. All he's doing is crying and crying. A couple of nights ago he said he's lost everything and might as well not be here anymore. I've had to go and tell his parents what's going on so they can look after him when I take the children away next week. I've asked him to stay here so I can have a break from the heavy stuff. I just don't think he would hold it together if he came and the DC don't need to see it.

Unfortunately the children are now picking up on it and tonight my eldest asked what's going on as he's crying so much. I've just said sometimes grown ups struggle too.

He's making this so much harder. I can't think straight...

Some of your stories are keeping me going and I'm just hoping going away will give me some clarity too.

I am 7 years on and still in pain.
I dont even know what it was, he never really admitted to anything. I buried the pain deep, very deep. I had an 18 month old at the time and didn’t have the self confidence or self love to know i deserved better and that I should have told him to go.
Instead, I took my comfort from him (and yes that included sex in the days after I found out while I had moved into the spare room)
Within 6 months he had lost his job (not his fault) and I was left supporting us with a child and helping him through depression and unemployment which lasted a year until I managed to get him a job.
We since found a new normal but my pain was still buried. We had a second child and then covid hit and I felt my life implode. I sought counselling and things have recently spilled out and I have been able to face my pain and tell him how I feel.
I am not sure we can survive when he has still never revealed what happened and therefore never made an attempt to make it up in any way.
The next month for us is about reflecting on our relationship and what options we are prepared to bring to the table so I can see if I think it is worth continuing to try and repair the open wounds.

My DH brought his Mother round to have a massive go at me! Seriously! I kept pointing out I never wanted any of this it was her Son's doing!

@cleanbreak2022 and @ettiespaghetti great to hear you are both coping and finding positives in our horrible situations.

I think hatred is a natural emotion when you have been let down and deceived. I definitely feel it and I can't understand how someone who says they love you, can treat you with such little care or respect. I can't see how something good can be built from someone else's pain and destruction so I really hope someday all our husbands and OW get their comeuppance.

@Somethingisup it's just so horrible and he sounds like he's continuing to manipulate you. How dare he cry and try to make you feel guilty when he has brought this all on himself. Pathetic.

We've been discussing buying new houses nearby so we can co-parent the children constructively. I can absolutely see why that needs to be done especially since we both work full-time but I've got zero intention of being civil to the OW and told him that. Obviously it escalated into an argument but I just won't (can't) do it. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know, but that's how I feel. It's all very well for him to tell me that I have to put the children first but how was he doing that when he was sneaking around and lying about where he was? It's all very convenient that now I'm the one just expected to suck it all up. God such horrible emotions...

@Likeairirise I've forbidden other woman to have contact with my children. I have details that their relationship is co dependent (both have suicide attempts) it's hostile with aggressive arguments (she told me in a text that she wanted to kill him then herself) so she is not allowed near the children. That's what hurts me the most. The relationship with my kids. My son has barely had a chance to process the separation let alone daddy's new girlfriend

@cleanbreak2022 @Likeairirise the other woman doesn't get to have it easy now that she is involved in wrecking things. Hold you ground on her not having contact with your children for as long as you can.
Sure, our exes will say that we are bitter and jealous of OW, and trying to disrupt their new happiness, but it is not so simple as that.

The responsibility on us to be civil and carry on as though our worlds haven't been shattered is too much to bear. If anything, they should show ups some compassion and not expect that we'd happily allow our kids to play happy families with OW.

The OW in my case has made contact with me several times and claims that it is not her fault, that she has advised my ex got go back to me and the kids, but, he LOVES HER so much and just can't stay away apparently. Why she wants a man like this is beyond me... I just hope that he doesn't all of a sudden 'change' for her and be the man to her that he couldn't be for me and our children. That would be another huge knife in the back. He is so fucked up though, I do not see him changing for anyone.

@statementstate I will hold off along as I can. He lied to her about our family and she took him back. He's now meditating all over the place and getting all holier than thou on me. Even justifying why he didn't turn up for the contact he was begging for today. I'm so angry and I am bitter. Bitter that he and OW were at my in laws yesterday for a bbq and me and my kids have just been cast aside. Bitter that he's got a hang over and enjoyed a cosy lie in with his young tart. Angry that I am made out to be unreasonable when I have begged for him to see the kids and he even lied about having covid to ignore them for 10 days whilst enjoying a happy new year with her. I am fucking angry!!!

Just asking this to learn more from a psychological point of view.

why do some people focus the dislike on the ow, when it's their dh, that embarked on the affair to begin with ?

@statementstate I think the chances of him changing are very slim indeed. Maybe for a short while, but leopards don't change their spots. My husband will always have an eye out for attention from women - that's who he is. I take some comfort from that. One day I'm sure OW will find that out for herself and I will have no sympathy. There have been so many instances of this through our 10 year marriage and when I look back, they started when we were still supposedly in the honeymoon phase.

I've seen it written before that the best revenge is a life well lived and I think we all need to try to do this. Be bitter and angry for sure, but also move forward with our lives knowing that we deserve so much better.

@Hawkins001 I'm not sure the focus is on hating the OW but not the men. It's more of an additional hatred. In my case, she knew exactly what she was doing. Knew he was lying to me and our small children and yet she continued the affair. Not only that, she has treated me very badly directly (I won't go into details as very outing) but believe me, she has tried to indirectly tell me that she was with him in some very cruel ways. She has also lied about me to him to make herself the victim. She is a horrible woman and human being and I have no intention of encouraging her to have contact with my children when they are going through more than enough.

Appreciate your perspectives and analysis, all the best and positivity.
Human nature is surprising at times.

@Hawkins001 Oh, I can assure you that the focus is not mainly on the OW. If I could I would live as though she didn't exist, but she has contacted me many times to tell her side of the story. She also knew about my kids but she still carried on the affair. I saw messages between them and she showed no remorse. This is also not the first unavailable man she has had dealings with. In fact, from her own mouth, she told me that she always ends up on affairs somehow. Of course I will dislike her. Not as much as my ex though.

So, while I wish I didn't have to consider her existence, she has forced herself into my life and has placed herself in a position for me to judge her character on the behaviour she has shown me AFTER the affair.

I am moving on as best as I can though because I know that my life will absolutely be better without my ex. I just have to push through the pain of the betrayal.

@Likeairirise our stories sound so similar as I have also been treated terribly by the OW, and she plays my ex in taking her side with things since the affair. It is beyond sickening. I don't even want to dislike her or hate her, but she is hellbent on inflicting more pain since the initial affair.

You are most certainly right about the best revenge will be living a better life, which we certainly will. Although there is deep sadness, I also feel a strange sense of relief that this very callous man is out of my life and will make space for attracting all the things into my life I have put on hold while navigating so much toxicity from him over the years.

I can understand your perspectives, all the best and positivity.

I’m not sure if it is helpful to hear from someone who has got through this, when you are right in the middle of it and your life has been turned upside down. What everyone on this thread is going through really resonates me and reminds me just how painful that time in my life was. So I feel I should do what I can to help and how I survived this, though I appreciate that everyone’s experience is different.
What helped me?

1. minimal contact - he is not your friend even though you wish he was, he has changed his loyalties (this one I found very hard to accept)
2. not giving the ow any head space, she actually doesn’t matter, you and your dc do though
3. if she is a nice person and kind to your dc, then be grateful for small mercies. Otherwise put your dc first and be the best parent you can be, even and especially if he isn’t.

Thinking of you all

I am consumed with rage directed towards OW, like some of the other posters - mostly for the way she has treated me after the affair - cruelty, gaslighting, manipulation and blackmailing me not to tell her husband

I regularly get consumed with my need for her to have some of the suffering that I’m feeling

DH is NC with the OW as far as I know, logically I know it is not her fault but it hurts to know how my husband felt (or feels about her). Not a bad word against her and just completely shuts down if I express any anger about her at all. Know that he’s looked her up on social media since.
His actions don’t match his words.

How do you all swallow down the rage enough to be able to co-parent properly?

My girls are still broken up and I've tried so HARD to keep things civil and show the kids we are a united front parenting wise.

Then yesterday my youngest DD broke her wrist and had to go to hospital. I called ex-dh to let him know and he was seriously not going to turn up because he had a party to go to.

I'm sad to say I let my rage take over and called him a selfish prick and to die in a ditch. Oops 😬