I don't understand this

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'd been seeing someone who got quite intense quite fast . If I Roslyn said we should just be friends and see what happens but I did really like him and he seemed to really like me - said he'd cried after our first date because I'd friend zoned him.
Anyway things moved quite fast . He told me he loved me and his actions seemed to bear this out . We were spending a lot of time together and everything seemed really good . Our values aligned , our politics , our tastes - everything. He is on the autistic spectrum but that didn't bother me at all , my som is and he was so raw and honest and funny .

I've had no hint of anything being wrong except his ex was still around and had tried it on with him one night but he told me and said he wasn't interested. She'd cheated on him twice .

We spent time together last week He had his kids at center parcs and invited me along for a day/ night .
I'd met his kids and it all seemed like it was going really well.
We went out at the weekend , I stayed there and he asked me to go and work from his this week.

He came over to mind this evening, I could tell straight away he was acting oddly - anyway he finished it. He says nothing I did but he doesn't want a relationship anymore with anyone . It's turned on a Sixpence
He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said there wasn't much point in him staying so he left.

We were compatible in every single way . I do t get it . I messaged a few times after he left asking for an explanation- he just said his feelings changed last week , he's not in love with me and he felt a fraud . There was absolutely no sign of this before tonight.

He had driven this relationship from the off - I don't know if he needed validation, or an ego boost , or what . But this has come as a bolt from the blue and I'd got so attached ,I'm absolutely devastated.
I've not messaged for ther because he seems pretty adamant it over . I need to keep some dignity.

But I'd been single for 3 years after a horrific relationship. He was saying he loved me , he was always touching me and messaging , the sex was amazing, the connection we had was amazing. He mesasaying he was absolutely love drink and he could feel the touch of my skin etc when we parted company for a few days .
Then this . Without any warning what so ever .
He has a lot of friends who are therapists and he said he has form for getting deeply embroiled in relationships early on but we were both keeping a level head i thought - he said tonight he doesn't feel the same as me .
I feel stupid because I'd been so guarded initially and only opened up when he had first . We never argued . He seemed so happy and I kno I was .
He has used a lot of casual date sites before we met , had lots of Casual encounters on swinging sites and the likes but said it was doing nothing for him.
He said he wanted a relationship, wanted to live with someone and marry again. He even broached the subject of us living together and said the thiught excited him.

I have no idea what's happened. He says nothing - he just doesn't want a relationship anymore .

I've left it - no point in asking anything further than I have because that's the explanation.
But I just didn't see this coming and I'm very perceptive normally .

It took 3 years of dating unsuitable men to find him and now it seems he's just another unsuitable man and yet it felt so different.
I know when his marriage was on the rocks he'd used date apps for validation. I'm wondering if that's all this was - he'd had a series of dates that weren't interested. He really went all out it date me ( took 6 weeks to get me to say yes to a date )
I'm wondering if he just likes the chase ? Then gets bored ?

I'd got so attached . Which isn't like me - for 3 years I'd dated , one date , easy - never wanted a second with anyone before him .

I'm now going to just take time out for myself and not date anymore but I'm 50 and I feel the sands of time are slipping through my fingers .

I was married successfully for 25 years. Then had a live in relationship for 5 but it was quite abusive and I was alone for 3 years until I met this guy .

I'm very open and honest but so was he - he never held back with how he felt - and now he's ended it he has t either - just said he isn't in a place to have a relationship and doesn't feel the same as me and decided he needs to work on himself etc etc which I feel after all the gushy talk is just a wanky platitude.

I maybe should have played it a lot cooler ? But I reciprocated and it was true - I had absolutely fallen for this man .

He already blocked me on fb . He hasn't blocked what's app but I'm not messaging him further . He's said it's over so it's over . I'm very confused but accept it .

I don't know why I'm posting . I'm just sad and confused and even after seeing him tonight I'm nine the wiser .

I think maybe I'm destined to be alone now ? I can't be arsed with online dating anymore . And I don't meet anyone as my life is work / home / work . I work shifts so can't change that or commit to hobbies .

He is 44 and seemed absolutely perfect - hippy credentials I suppose , therapist , seemed like he had his shit together but lots of relationships behind him .

Oh and his kids seemed really taken with me - his youngest was all over me . I'd done her hair and they were both lovely - eldest is trans and i was totally open minded and got on well with them .
He was meant to meet my son this week . My kids are adults . He even said that was perfect because I could fit around his commitments.

My best (male) friend thinks he will regret it but I don't think he will

His autism seems to be much like mine in that when he's decided something he's decided .

I'm autistic and my feelings quite often just 'switch off'. I've never understood when other people say that you can't switch your feelings off because I can. Anything can trigger it happening.

That he has had many past relationships suggests that that is what he is like too - it's not you or anything you have done specifically.

And I'm the same - once I've decided something, it's decided and there is no going back.

I would get rid of all evidence of him - photos, WhatsApp etc like he never existed. But that might not work for you.

How long were you together?

I know how confusing and hurtful it can be when someone seems to "switch off" warning. However usually its not really without warning... just the other person is good at masking their true feelings.

I know this isn't much help, but having been through a few break ups (some by me, some by the other person) it's a waste of time analysing the "why". It won't change anything and whatever it is, it won't be to do with you.

The OP says he is autistic. It can happen without warning with autistic people.

I could be absolutely in love with someone or have a best friend I see as a sister but they can do or say something that just switches me cold to them and I never want to see them again. It can happen completely without warning.

I'm currently experiencing It with a woman who I was very good friends with for several years. She did something and now.i can't tolerate being in her company at all, which is hard because we are in a friendship group. I have pretty much withdrawn from the entire group now because of it. Even knowing I'm going to see her can trigger a meltdown.

I don't know anything about autism but some people are in love with being in love and that whole new relationship of loads of affection and attention.

Then it wears off and they realised that it's not actually the person they are in love with.

It's just bizarre. There really was no warning at all. One min he seemed as loved up as ever , next gone.
It was him who drove the relationship from the off - he said he loved me first , he pestered me for a date for 6 weeks until I finally said ok, when I'd said I felt it was friendly rather than romantic he was upset ( told me afterwards he'd cried )
He was the one who kept suggesting things to do together "as friends " he was the one who kissed me first , said I love you , seemed to want to spend a lot of time with me
The only explanation I've had is my feelings changed this last week I'm not in love and I do yes to be in a relationship. So my head is spinning.
There were times his thinking seemed to run away with him , he was talking about moving in together (too soon) then he would seemingly realise and backtrack, he talked to a lot of people about us and was very open . He'd told his family , I'd met his friends, work colleagues, kids . I'd seen him Sunday and everything was absolutely fine . Not a hint of what was to come at all.

My heads fucked .

How long were you in a relationship with him?

Sounds like he lovebombed you. And he cried after your first date because you "friend zoned" him? To me that's manipulative.

Sorry OP but he doesn't sound like one of the good ones.

The way it changed is just so odd - I'd not seen this side to him at all. The messages last night back were cold and unfeeling. All I've ever seen was loving, open, touchy feely honest communication. Last night it felt like I was talking to a completely different person.

We'd been seeing each other a matter of months but had talked on phone for weeks before that and online for weeks before that and had gradually just got closer and closer . He went from 0-100 very fast so I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised he went into reverse just as fast . This is something I hadn't seen in him . So maybe it's for the best . It just felt like we were absolutely on the same page in every way . After our first date he'd cancelled all other dates , saying he wanted to give this his undivided attention and he felt we had long term potential etc . Initially I'd said don't cancel other dates , but he did . I know it may not seem like a long time but we'd spent a lot of time together, we never argued , we seemed perfectly matched and it's come as news to me that he felt differently to what he was saying for the majority of our time together. I've had longer relationships where we've spent less time together so this is hurting - there's a void now and I don't know what to do with myself. He was texting several times a day when we weren't together. The fact he's just dropped out of my life is hurting and I'm missing him . And the thing is - he was the one who was initiating everything. He cancelled his dates , organised things for us to do, organised him coming here or me going there , calls every night when we were apart , he'd told everyone he was in a relationship, including his kids , It feels like once I reciprocated he's lost interest - it's a lesson for me I guess . Keep cards closer to chest in future . I'm not a game player but he didn't seem to be either . We were both the same personality type, everything aligned , we agreed on everything.
But it's taken him one week to decide actually he doesn't love me and now doesn't want a relationship.
This is the most confused I've ever been in my life .

He said over the last week his feelings changed . A week . After months of waxing lyrical about how great we were together.

Why are you still avoiding answering this question OP?

I have answered.

You went to centerparcs with him and his kids and you’d only been seeing him a couple of months? Did this not seem a bit weird? Like, did you not think he must be a bit of a shit dad?

It's more than a couple of months.

I only went as a guest for one day and night - I'd met the children already before the holiday

I'd met the kids several times . They knew he was seeing me and I'd been staying there .
The children are with him 50% of the time

he said at the start he had form for getting attached very quickly so I assume this is a usual pattern of behaviour.
I know we always think we can change someone, but to be honest it’s rare we can

The kids have seen a few women come and go but he has shared custody , seems like a good dad, he's a teacher .

His last relationship was 2 years , before that 4, he was with his childrens mother 13 years. He did say he felt he had the capacity to get far too intense too fast , so this was something he was working on and keeping a check on .
But it was him talking about moving in , going on holidays , getting old together , I always urged caution when he talked like that . There was. I reason to change anything anyway - it seemed to be working perfectly fine. It was progressing to where we were naturally spending more time together but out of the honeymoon period. I don't know what to think .

A similar thing happened to me. this guy came on very fast, within a couple of weeks he'd booked us a lovely weekend away, even told me he wanted to marry me, blah blah blah. Then a bolt out of the blue he found a way to end it by which time I had fallen for him hard, I was devastated. He wouldn't take my calls, nothing. Then I had a couple of late night texts from him saying he missed me but then didn't respond to my replies. I moved on and then 18 months later he text me asking if I wanted to meet for a coffee and went on to explain he'd had counselling after finishing with me!!! FFS, I think I had a lucky escape. I'm 50 too and shortly after that breakup met a wonderful man in a local walking group who doesn't play these mind games and I can clearly see now he is genuinely in love with me. You are not too old, don't beat yourself up over this guy who clearly is the one with issues here. Move on and join a walking group...you might get lucky like I did 😉

I remember when you met him and had a little bit of a shaky start.

What a shock you have had. I can completely understand why you feel so hurt and bewildered. Who wouldn’t? It’s very far from normal.

To me it seems so over the top that he’s blocked you on Facebook. I would be pretty hurt by that. I don’t understand how someone could go from full on to no contact, I can understand a break up and needing space but to block is so aggressive.

This is all on him, not you.

I know you are very upset and hurt but try not to sink into defeatist thinking like there is no hope for a relationship. This guy is extreme, most people are definitely not like that.

I think you need to give yourself time to process this shock before teaching any conclusions.

Sorry OP, he has treated you very poorly.

Honestly, you will probably never know why. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he realised being in a relationship was not what he wanted and decided to go back to swinging sites and casual dating.
I would block him on WhatsApp.

You should have run for the hills when he told you he cried after your first date.
Any feelings which apparently came on so quickly are unlikely to be real. Therefore it’s not really a surprise that they switched off just as quickly, autistic or not. Always be wary of people who declare deep feelings before they can have possibly got to know you.

How can feelings not be real?

We were compatible in every single way

Oh my dear OP - you weren't.

He is a love bomber. They get very good at Mirroring, which makes the object of their manufactured attention feel like it's the Real Deal.
crazyjackz.com/love-bombed-then-ghosted/

said he'd cried after our first date because I'd friend zoned him.
This is outrageously manipulative,
Please put some work into how to spot red flags because this one was HUGE.
Think about the entitlement behind that statement. He felt he had a right to be 'relationship-zoned' right from the off.
Not content with that, he TOLD you about his hysterical & worrying reaction & expected you to be flattered by it. Unfortunately - you were, instead of seeing it for the emotional blackmail it was.
Love Bombers & Future Fakers get away with their behaviour by becoming expert boundary-testers.
People who are sure of their boundaries & have a healthy, informed scepticism about hyperbolic declarations of love won't fall for the test. So they are not so easy to manipulate. Your expert boundary-tester senses this, & leaves them alone to go & test another victim until they find the right person, on the right day, with the 'right' (wrong for you!) wobble in their boundaries.
This is how - (replace "assumptive actions & statements" with "hyperbolic decalrations" - the result is the same)
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Stop thinking about his autism diagnosis (if he has one ...?) & take a good cold look at his behaviours. Just from your OP it's clear that he is a player. He likes to have a lot of women on the go, he references all these other dates he's had, he tells you that they were not special, but you are The One ...
Can you not see that this is what he tells ALL his dates?

I know when his marriage was on the rocks he'd used date apps for validation.
Stop buying into his psychobabble!
HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE BY HIS OWN ADMISSION.
All the other window dressing - "I needed validation" "my wife didn't understand me" "the marriage was rocky" (of course it was - he was hooking up elsewhere!) "we were on a break" is BULLSHIT.
It is 100% directly culled from The Cheater's Handbook.

You are understandably upset, but the man you are grieving for is a chimera. You never knew the 'real him'. It's possible that he doesn't either, & all this shagging around & declarations of undying passion followed by swift & brutal dumpings is how he deals with that.
Or he's just your bog standard player.

Let him go OP - grieve for who you thought he was but be very, very thankful he is now out of your life.
But also please be very aware that once you 'accept' that this is over, he is likely to get back in touch & Hoover you - narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/what-is-hoovering/

I think you should block this headfucker, chalk it up to experience, & take a few months off dating while you recover & re-establish your boundaries. Lean on your good friends, look after yourself, & be happy this man is GONE. He will do nothing but mess with you, & you do not deserve to be messed around & hurt.