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Original poster

DH forgot my birthday

46 replies

broccolicheese · 30/05/2022 13:30

It's my birthday today. DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I said not to worry about gifts as I was going to treat myself to some new books, but a card would be lovely.

This morning, I woke up and he didn't wish me happy birthday, no card or flowers or anything. He'd totally forgotten.

I'm not really that surprised that he forgot. I used to get really upset on birthdays when he would do things like this, I can't remember the last time he bought me a present or card but I don't anymore, to me that's the saddest thing. I've never had breakfast in bed, or dinner cooked on my birthday for me, or have him arrange anything at all. My Mum once tried to arrange a meal as a surprise and he told her not to because he would sort it, and then we literally did nothing all day. If he acknowledges it at all, he says it's because he's too busy at work.

Am I being silly to be upset? I'm mid 30's. He does work hard, but surely he could put me first or just think of me enough to get me a card?

OP posts:
PawPrintsInMyPansies · 30/05/2022 13:32

Happy birthday

I don’t think you’re being silly at all.

what do you do for his birthday? Does he expect a fuss?

PersonaNonGarter · 30/05/2022 13:32

You are not being silly! Why don’t you say much more? Is it confidence?

InDubiousBattle · 30/05/2022 13:33

No, you're not silly to be upset. He should have remembered and got you a card. Can you organise something with your mun for later?
Happy Birthday!

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 30/05/2022 13:35

Happy Birthday. After being clear about wanting a card and not receiving even that then I don’t think you’re silly to be upset. And the previous thing with your mum was really unforgivable. Can I ask what he expects on his birthday?

IggyAce · 30/05/2022 13:35

Happy Birthday.
Id say something, you’re not expecting much just a card and it’s sad that he can’t even do that.
I really hope you don’t make a fuss on his birthday, if you do just stop.

SneezesHaveStarted · 30/05/2022 13:35

Firstly, happy birthday!

Secondly, of course you’re not being silly! Even if you agreed to no presents, he should at the very least acknowledge your birthday and try to make it a nice day for you! I think it’s very sad that you are resigned to this.

Can you message him and tell him you have decided that for your birthday meal tonight you would like xxx (favourite takeaway maybe?), so that he gets a reminder - if he then doesn’t come home with at least a profuse apology and a card (maybe flowers too) then he really is a duck. I’m sorry. I hope you manage to have a lovely day x

Original poster
broccolicheese · 30/05/2022 13:37

PersonaNonGarter · 30/05/2022 13:32

You are not being silly! Why don’t you say much more? Is it confidence?

I think I don't say anything as it just seems so pointless. We've been together since we were teens, and he's always been the same, and we have had big rows over it but nothing ever changes sadly.

OP posts:
Onemoresleeptogonow · 30/05/2022 13:41

Make sure you treat him as such op...
Happy Birthday..
Make sure ime your life is different before your next birthday.
My exh ruined my 40th.. He was an exh before I was 41
.
Remarried on my 44th birthday!!
You don't have to remain in such a disrespect relationship..

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 30/05/2022 13:41

Do you make a fuss for his birthday and does he like it? if so, it’s incredibly mean to do nothing for yours and you should stop.

does he make you feel cared for in other ways?

Suprima · 30/05/2022 13:42

broccolicheese · 30/05/2022 13:37

I think I don't say anything as it just seems so pointless. We've been together since we were teens, and he's always been the same, and we have had big rows over it but nothing ever changes sadly.

Show quote history

With all due respect- you have built a life with him and married him despite this? He’s clearly lazy, doesn’t care about making you feel special and doesn’t attribute a lot of
importance to special days?

Why would he change?

Your relationship has progressed and you have carried on despite this.

All you can really do is have a frank conversation where you acknowledge that you have never been bothered, or held him to high standards in the past, but something does really need to change as life needs some celebration for special events. If he continues to not bother- you have your answer. He doesn’t really give a shit because it’s too much bother.

SallyWD · 30/05/2022 14:00

What do you do for his birthday? You're not being silly to be upset. I never understand how anyone manages to forget their partner's birthday though. I don't give my DH a chance to forget mine.! In the weeks leading up to it we'll talk about it several times and I'll always saying something like "It's my birthday in 2 days!! I hope you're making me a special breakfast!". If he hasn't got anything this is his cue to go out and buy breakfast food, flowers, card etc. I usually just tell him want as gifts (to be honest I'm happier with this as when he chooses things I get some rather bizarre gifts). I'm 47 but still want to enjoy my special day. I do the same for him. I think you really need to spell it out to him.

Justcallmebebes · 30/05/2022 14:25

That's rubbish and something I wouldn't tolerate, not even a card or birthday wishes.

What do you do for him on his birthday? Whatever it is I suggest you stop it

Original poster
broccolicheese · 30/05/2022 14:46

I've just been to a cafe and treated myself to a slice of Rolo cake and a coffee, so I'm feeling much better Grin

Thank you for the birthday wishes

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2022 14:49

This is so sad, and I'm sad for you that you choose to continue to live with a man like this. If he can't even bother to show you the smallest bit of attention and appreciation, what's the point? What an awful way to live.

Thatnameistaken · 30/05/2022 15:51

Can you arrange to have a meal out with friends to celebrate?

caringcarer · 30/05/2022 15:55

Glad you enjoyed your cake OP. He should be buying you a birthday cake, card and gift. Even if he has little money always a card. He should bring you tea and breakfast in bed and spoil you. Favourite restaurant/cook you a meal/flowers/chocolates. He sounds really horrible to you. He needs to learn how to be a good husband. Working lots of hours is no excuse. Have you got a friend who can point him in right direction. I would be very very upset if dh did not treat me like a pampered princess on my birthday. You deserve better than this.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 30/05/2022 16:05

Birthdays aren't a big thing in my family, but yes, a happy birthday would be nice. And the kids would enjoy getting me something.

My ex forgot my birthdays quite often, or had an assistant order something generic which felt like even more of an insult. He had great difficulty remembering that other people existed independent of him I think - that they had wants and needs of their own.

I took to getting myself something and reminding the kids in such a way that they didn't notice I'd reminded them (primary aged), so they could make me a card or whatever and enjoy that. But TBH, it was a symptom of his utter self-absorption and I should have paid attention when it happened the first time rather than waiting 15 years.

CorpseReviver · 30/05/2022 16:06

I don't give a toss about my birthday but even I would be upset not to receive a card and a happy birthday greeting/ hug/ kiss from a long term partner. That's off-the-scale shit.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2022 16:10

Happy Birthday and I'm sorry your dickhead DH didn't even acknowledge it.

I am wondering though, why would you specifically say you didn't want anything? To me, that means no flowers chocolates or anything else. A card is to many people meaningless, and if someone said to me what you said, I wouldn't even register the bit about the card, I'd just get the message that you didn't want a fuss made. It sounds a bit like mixed messages, especially with what you say about the history.
You've got some options, though. If you think he genuinely forgot AND thinks that you are not bothered about birthdays, you could just speak to him/text him, and say " hoping you've booked somewhere nice for my birthday dinner tonight". If he's actually a decent sort and just rubbish at this, he'll then book somewhere and you'll have a nice evening.
If he doesn't, or doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt, can you take yourself out somewhere nice with a friend?
And then spell it out to him that despite saying you didn't want anything, you are very upset that he hadn't sorted anything at all for your birthday, and that actually it's a potential deal-breaker ( well, it would be for me).
I have to say, I have never had this happen to me with any boyfriend/partner, and there have been quite a few, but that's because like SallyWD , I always flag it up in advance and talk about what I'd like to do, so there's zero chance of it being forgotten.

JackieQueen · 30/05/2022 16:11

Happy birthday 💐

MrMrsJones · 30/05/2022 16:11

Make this birthday the one where you put yourself first and ditch him, he doesn't deserve you.

Leave and find someone who makes you number 1 in their life.

I did and its fabulous

jackstini · 30/05/2022 16:15

Happy birthday 🎁🎂 💐🥂🥳

It's crappy of him not to acknowledge it at all. How simple is it to stick a reminder in your phone these days?!

I would text and ask if he's booked somewhere tonight as a surprise or wants you to choose...

KILM · 30/05/2022 16:18

Happy Birthday OP! That rolo cake sounds delicious.
Really sorry that your DH is a shit. Not okay, dont let anyone try to convince you its normal or a 'man thing' or a quirk of his, it shows a lack of care for you as an individual as opposed to you being just a 'role' in his life. You deserve better. Dont you dare do anything on his birthday. The fact he actively sabotaged your mum organising anything made me so sad.

Babdoc · 30/05/2022 16:18

Make damn sure you do absolutely nothing for his birthday, OP. If you haven’t already dumped him by then.

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 30/05/2022 16:22

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