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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH forgot my birthday

46 replies

broccolicheese · 30/05/2022 13:30

It's my birthday today. DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I said not to worry about gifts as I was going to treat myself to some new books, but a card would be lovely.

This morning, I woke up and he didn't wish me happy birthday, no card or flowers or anything. He'd totally forgotten.

I'm not really that surprised that he forgot. I used to get really upset on birthdays when he would do things like this, I can't remember the last time he bought me a present or card but I don't anymore, to me that's the saddest thing. I've never had breakfast in bed, or dinner cooked on my birthday for me, or have him arrange anything at all. My Mum once tried to arrange a meal as a surprise and he told her not to because he would sort it, and then we literally did nothing all day. If he acknowledges it at all, he says it's because he's too busy at work.

Am I being silly to be upset? I'm mid 30's. He does work hard, but surely he could put me first or just think of me enough to get me a card?

OP posts:

sleepymum50 · 30/05/2022 16:23

Tell him this true story “There was once a beautiful and kind girl called sleepy. Her husband said he loved her very much, but most years he could not be arsed to remember her birthday, and even if he did, he often couldn’t be bothered to go and buy a card, and instead would use one he found in a drawer ( which in fact was one she had bought herself).

One year, she even got bollocked on the morning of her birthday because she accidentally walked in on him still writing a card out. Because of this, and many other things she left him. The END.

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2022 16:28

What an arse he is! I hope he comes in from work with at least a bunch of flowers or something.
If not, definitely don't cook anything tonight. Order a takeaway for one, or go out for a meal by yourself. Tosser

CantGetDecentNickname · 30/05/2022 16:32

Please just go out for a meal by yourself or with a friend if one is available. Don't be home when he gets in.

Next year organise yourself a "do" (meal/drinks etc) somewhere to celebrate with friends and don't include him.

beachcitygirl · 30/05/2022 16:45

I'm so so so sorry. He's a bloody dick. I would leave, I really would. Not just for this one thing but for the lack of love show .

DahliaDreamer · 30/05/2022 17:03

Happy birthday OP!

orangeisthenewpuce · 30/05/2022 17:07

Happy birthday. I'd be really angry with this lack of thought and consideration and he'd know I was really angry. He sounds like a massive prick.

HillCrestingGoat · 30/05/2022 17:22

Put it into his calendar, put it in with reminders for a few weeks beforehand, the a few days before and the day before then he has no excuse. It is important to you so he should make an effort.

HillCrestingGoat · 30/05/2022 17:22

oh and happy birthday!

TheCatterall · 30/05/2022 17:28

I’d arrange something fabulous for yourself every birthday and Christmas that doesn’t involve him. Ever. Meals, experiences and trips to fabulous places that you want to
experience. Time with people who are happy To make the effort for you.

not even making the effort to say happy birthday is a bullshit excuse. We can all put a reminder in our phones to do something. If he knows how much it would mean to you to have the day recognised then he should do it.

you’re making excuses for him. Make your own happiness. Make your own plans. Don’t include him as if he was that invested in you he could have arranged something himself.

Fuzzyhippo · 30/05/2022 17:39

In the 6 years I've been with mine, he's never once wished me a happy birthday or acknowledged it. I don't even think I've seen him on any of the days either. So now I just accept that it's obviously not important to him and let it go which was really hard. And in return I don't bother on his birthday either now, because why should I

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2022 18:06

Please don’t even mention his, no thoughtful card or silly money on presents. I’d be raging at this. I don’t care how uncool that is on mumsnet, I want a card and a present!

mellicauli · 30/05/2022 18:12

Why don’t you take a couple do your friends out for a nice meal if you want to celebrate? He’s not that busy at work. I’ve worked 18 hour days with hugely complex situations , launched products worth hundreds of millions of pounds. but never ever have I forgotten my husband’s birthday. The truth is - and I am really sorry about this - that you and your feelings just aren’t that important to him. You need to have the talk. This is important to you and what you feel matters. If he’s not prepared to put anything into the basics of a relationship, why would you stick around? I bet you do everything to make him happy and he thinks that’s how it should be.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 30/05/2022 18:18

Happy birthday 🥳
That's absolutely shit.
If your husband/partner can't be arsed to make an effort then what's the point?
Don't all jump on me either! It is important and you deserve to feel special and loved.
Deal breaker territory for me as it sums up what he thinks.

Original poster

broccolicheese · 30/05/2022 21:15

He ended up coming home with a card and a couple of presents from Tesco.

Ive spent the day feeing a bit crappy because Of this, and it could have been so easily avoided if he just called in at Tesco on his way home, just any other day before my birthday, and given me the card this morning. It would have made such a big difference to my day.

I think it stings a bit worse because I feel like everyone I know is on holiday this week with it being half term, including my Mum and best friend! So I’ve no one else to make any plans with.

Thanks again for saying happy birthday to me, and validating how I feel!

OP posts:

pixie5121 · 31/05/2022 00:18

This is really shit. Even in horrible relationships that were basically dead, I got a 'happy birthday' and a gift and a meal.

What are you getting out of this? He doesn't seem to be very considerate of your feelings. Do you have kids?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 31/05/2022 00:38

Omg you're only mid 30s, get rid of him! You deserve someone who appreciates you. Is this really it for you? You'll have what, 50 years of shit birthdays where he can't even be arsed to get you a card and a bunch of flowers?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 31/05/2022 00:44

Sorry, just seen your update. I do usually make sure I check for updates before giving my two cents!

I can see he got you a card and gift after work... from bloody Tesco. Nothing wrong with Tesco and it's better than nothing but just feels like you were an after thought. It sounds like he either picked up on your mood and remembered or someone has mentioned your birthday to him. Either way, pretty shitty that he forgot.

Deathraystare · 02/06/2022 19:25

Go out with just your Mum or some friends for coffee and nice cake or a proper meal. He is not invited.

At least when it is his birthday you know not to bother. Have temporary amnesia on that day!

Alcemeg · 02/06/2022 19:59

I said not to worry about gifts as I was going to treat myself to some new books, but a card would be lovely.

You need to stand over him and say, "Next year you must buy me a card or I'm divorcing you."

My DH and I don't really bother with birthdays etc. I don't mind, because he always has my back and in all other respects is kind and considerate. He has a heart of gold and loves me with all of it. We rely on each other to say what bothers us and what doesn't.

If you say this and next year he forgets, then you have a problem. Now, it's not clear. Unless this is just a symptom of a bigger issue.

Happy birthday

Newestname002 · 02/06/2022 20:11

@broccolicheese

Make sure that next year you have plans for your birthday - which in no way include him. Perhaps a long weekend/week away somewhere sunny (this year's airport queues will just about dissipated...) and relax.

Do you have sisters? Maybe they could come too. Or pre-book with girlfriends? If you prefer, find a good spa with great gardens and good treatments and food for a few of you (again without him) to enjoy.

Don't rely on his remembering for 2023 - or even putting your birthday as a recurring event in his smartphone to remind him... 🌹

DivorcedAndDelighted · 02/06/2022 20:34

I wouldn't deliberately ignore his next birthday ; what's the point? If you're trying to get revenge, you'd be better off splitting up. And if you want him to learn a lesson, better to spell it out.
I felt sad reading your post because my Ex H would rarely ever do anything for my birthday. Would never organise the kids to do anything, and would rarely ever get me a card. Apparently he was too busy with work. I always got him a card and presents, though I'm not sure he wanted it/cared tbh. Now I look back and feel like an idiot because this stuff was one of the obvious signs that the relationship was dead in the water. My boyfriend made me feel really special on my birthday and it was so lovely. If you care for someone, you want them to feel happy and wanted, surely? So what message is he giving you by this lack of effort?
I found this article about Mr and Mrs Just Not Feeling It interesting - wonder if it might resonate with you?

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