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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being amicable with ex is messing with my head

31 replies

Angustiada · 30/05/2022 11:03

Ex and I have separated for 2.5 years now, lived apart for just over 2 years. I left him after serial cheating. He didn't want this, wanted another chance, more therapy etc so originally it was a trial separation for him to work on himself etc. Anyway after a few weeks of trial separation he was on dating sites so I filed for divorce.

Past 2 years have been awful. He tried to starve me and kids out of the family home which he ended up succeeding in. He was emotionally and financially abusive post separation. He's done and said some awful things this past year especially. But divorce is nearly finalised and he's asked that we repair our friendship etc. So yesterday we spent time together as DS birthday and we chatted away and it's completely messed with my head.

He's been with his GF about 8 months... She's 5 months pregnant. She moved in with him after just a few weeks and then he told me she got pregnant but it wasn't planned for him but thinks it was for her. He was confiding in me about it yesterday and saying he was struggling, and we chatted about lots of stuff and I've got to be honest, it made me miss him.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 18 months now. He's really kind, genuine, amazing with my kids but all I can do this morning is compare our relationship to that with my ex and I'm picking holes. Please help me see sense and realise my ex is awful and not ruin what I've currently got!

OP posts:
nextone77 · 30/05/2022 11:15

Abusers do not change. Abusers do not change. Abusers do not change. Repeat until stuck in your brain!

DontBlameMe79 · 30/05/2022 11:19

Sounds like you need therapy if your description is accurate.

youdroppedthis · 30/05/2022 11:21

First off this man sounds an absolute impulsive twat. However you are feeling about him will pass, so just let yourself feel it and know it will pass.

It's not fair on new boyfriend to compare. Is he nice? If he is he deserves all your attention and doesn't deserve you thinking about your ex.

Go civil with ex from now on. Only discuss children. Anything he tries to speak to you about that isn't about the children walk away/ignore.

Don't let yourself go there into friendship with him. Just be matter of fact over the children.

If you've found a decent guy who is okay with you having a child already, keep hold of him and treat him with respect. No one has to get involved with someone who already has children, it's a minefield.

PetersRabbitt · 30/05/2022 11:21

He cheated, he will always cheat, he will cheat on her too. You know that, stop pretending otherwise.

Grow up, this is life, not some stupid fantasy, he won’t change for you, the guy you with now won’t be perfect, no such thing, but what you have now IS better than what you had. Your winning, don’t go backwards!

Onemoresleeptogonow · 30/05/2022 11:22

Your ex isn't your friend. Stop spending any time with him.
Your ds can be happy with 2 completely separate lives..

Smartiepants79 · 30/05/2022 11:22

You know this man does not care for you or respect you. He should not be discussing his new relationship with you. He’s hoping you might agree to be his bit on the side.
There is a difference between being amicable with an ex for the sake of mutual dc and being their ‘friend’. This man is not your friend.
I would avoid this kind of scenario again.
In what possible way is your new relationship not stacking up against this idiot ex??

cottagegardenflower · 30/05/2022 11:24

You are being ridiculous and if you don't know that, you need to read your own post. Don't get into cosy chats with ex. Cut contact to absolute minimum. Move on with your life and do t allow with this headfuck

Original poster
Angustiada · 30/05/2022 11:32

Thanks everyone. Just what I needed! I am having counselling btw, have been for 18 months... Just a lot to work on still.
For the poster who asked how does my current boyfriend compare... He is a much much better person, I am aware of that, I guess we just don't yet have that completely comfortable, easy relationship I had with my ex (I was with my ex for 17 years and from age of 19 so a huge chunk of my life) and all those shared firsts... and I do miss that chats me and ex used to have. We got on really well I guess 😔

OP posts:
HipsterCoffeeShop · 30/05/2022 11:34

Stop trying to be friends with him. He doesn't deserve your friendship.

Begoniasforever · 30/05/2022 11:37

So basically he cheated on uou and now he wants to cheat on his pregnant girlfriend with uou? And you’re considering dumping your boyfriend to go there.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 30/05/2022 11:39

My ex did this with me. Tried to position me his best mate, and ally against his new wife. Then did the same thing witg,that partner after moving on to wife #3.) "Let's be friends now is a way of askingbyou to forget the bad behavior, and of keeping you on side as a resource. One that he will use and abuse.

Just keep reminding yourself how he cheated and treated you in the past. Actions speak louder than words.

Triffid1 · 30/05/2022 11:39

Let me get this straight - you'v agreed to be friends with a man who forced you and your children (who are also HIS children) out of their home by being financially abusive? And now you're questioning whether or not you are, in fact, over him?

I get that women in abusive relationships find it hard to see the wood for the trees but OP, come on. It's been over 2 years. He has behaved abominably, he has got some other poor women pregnant and is slagging her off to you and ONE conversation with him and you're all "oh, I miss him"? I'd consider a different type of therapy.

Original poster
Angustiada · 30/05/2022 11:40

God no... Definitely won't ever go there. Just that it made me miss him a bit and what we had I guess and it's messed with my head. I was doing so well and I feel I've taken a few steps back. I miss family life more than anything and sharing those moments with the other parent.

OP posts:
NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 30/05/2022 11:40

Soz for all the types, fat fingers today.

MrsWooster · 30/05/2022 11:41

“I do miss that chats me and ex used to have. We got on really well I guess 😔”

Except for when he was having sex with other women behind your back. Except for when he was starving you out of your house. Except for when he chose to betray everything about your relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2022 11:43

Your ex targeted you and deliberately so; you met when you were a mere 19 years of age and had no life experience behind you. He stole from you all your 20s and half your 30s. Stop the chats with him and only talk to him about the children and also via Solicitors if necessary.

You're an ego boost to him now and probably likes the thought of having two women fighting over him (and yes he is that deluded). Remember all the abuse also he put you and your kids through post separation as well; if that does not wake you up to the reality of him then nothing will. He has not changed an iota really since you left him.

How helpful is your counsellor here?. I would also suggest that you look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme which can be done online as well as in person.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2022 11:44

I would also find another counsellor via Womens Aid to work with.

Triffid1 · 30/05/2022 11:52

I miss family life more than anything and sharing those moments with the other parent.

It's a fallacy .Because your family life as you remember it didn't exist - he was cheating on you, abusing you financially and being selfish.

BeatricePortinari · 30/05/2022 11:53

He sounds like he's charismatic, he's good at drawing people into superficial intimacy which feels good in the moment, but has no substance long term in terms of commitment, follow through and reliability.

He will be someone who loves the thrill of this high that he's good at and so goes around seeking it again and again in cheating.

You got a taste of the high of the superficial yesterday. But use it as a good reminder of what he does and how it's just a mirage or a show that he can put on for you and lots of others.
It's not a special you and him thing.
It's a him and lots of women for his ego thing.

If the man you are seeing is genuine, caring & reliable that's actually the route to long term happiness if that's what you want.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/05/2022 11:57

God lord woman are you crazy? He cheated on you multiple times, treated you horribly the last few years, forced you and your kids out of a home and now he's bitching about the woman he's pretending to "love" (to her face I assume) and you MISS that? why?? wtf, cop yourself on!

myuterusistryingtokillme · 30/05/2022 12:01

So your ex is an abusive cheat who starved you out of your home and has made your life hell for the last couple of years? Now he has got what he wanted financially he wants to be friends?

Fuck that

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/05/2022 12:05

He's creating a narrative. "Oh she MADE me cheat on you and financially abuse you and my children and now she's TRAPPED me with a pregnancy! Please, OP, I have seen the error of my ways and if you just let me come home I will treat you differently this time! For at least 3 weeks!"

Don't fall for his bullshit. Next time he suggests a cosy little family meet-up, tell him you don't think it's appropriate as it's confusing for the children and he needs to concentrate on his girlfriend and their expected child.

over2021 · 30/05/2022 12:09

He's probably laying down the foundations to cheat on her with you. You don't need to be friends with him.

MrsJorahMormont · 30/05/2022 14:32

HipsterCoffeeShop · 30/05/2022 11:34

Stop trying to be friends with him. He doesn't deserve your friendship.

This. 100%.

MrsJorahMormont · 30/05/2022 14:33

over2021 · 30/05/2022 12:09

He's probably laying down the foundations to cheat on her with you. You don't need to be friends with him.

Also this.