Being amicable with ex is messing with my head

[Angustiada]

Ex and I have separated for 2.5 years now, lived apart for just over 2 years. I left him after serial cheating. He didn't want this, wanted another chance, more therapy etc so originally it was a trial separation for him to work on himself etc. Anyway after a few weeks of trial separation he was on dating sites so I filed for divorce.

Past 2 years have been awful. He tried to starve me and kids out of the family home which he ended up succeeding in. He was emotionally and financially abusive post separation. He's done and said some awful things this past year especially. But divorce is nearly finalised and he's asked that we repair our friendship etc. So yesterday we spent time together as DS birthday and we chatted away and it's completely messed with my head.

He's been with his GF about 8 months... She's 5 months pregnant. She moved in with him after just a few weeks and then he told me she got pregnant but it wasn't planned for him but thinks it was for her. He was confiding in me about it yesterday and saying he was struggling, and we chatted about lots of stuff and I've got to be honest, it made me miss him.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 18 months now. He's really kind, genuine, amazing with my kids but all I can do this morning is compare our relationship to that with my ex and I'm picking holes. Please help me see sense and realise my ex is awful and not ruin what I've currently got!

Have you lost your brain? Does this guy have a golden dick? Why would you be so insane to go back to him? He helped starve your children! If you go back to him, you're effectively agreeing that that's fine to do, so you're a shit mother. Don't be daft, ignore him and don't be friends. You are parents, that's it.

Agreed the timing is interesting - just as his newest girlfriend is reaching the stage of pregnancy where she more than likely not as interested in sex and it’s all becoming more ‘real’ as her pregnancy progresses - there he is, sniffing around you.

Let me guess - he wasn’t that great with your DCs when they were babies? Sounds to me like as another newborn phase approaches he’s looking to get out of it and get back to a comfortable spot with you. Confided in your my ass, he’s softening you up so he can leave the newest mother of his child in the lurch.

@PriestessofPing spot on.

Remember this advice from @NarcissasMumintheDoghouse

"Let's be friends now" is a way of asking you to forget the bad behavior, and of keeping you on side as a resource. One that he will use and abuse.

Just keep reminding yourself how he cheated and treated you in the past.
Actions speak louder than words.

She's spot on. Words are lovely things but you need to set those aside and look at his actions.

Back when you were 5 months pregnant, he was probably buttering up some other women for sex, right? Now you can see his actions in motion as a bystander. Confiding in you, being nice, all of these things are him luring you back in with his charm. The length of time you were together has created that familiarity that gives the illusion of cosiness and closeness between you but I suspect that if he made a move on you and you turned him down, that charm on tap would be shut off pronto - why waste the effort of being a nice guy when there's nothing in it for him...

He is an abuser, and a pig. Stop talking to him about anything other than the practicalities of the children. He doesn't want to be your friend, he wants to con you into trusting him again so that you tell him stuff that he can use against you. Stop talking with him as if you're his fucking agony aunt. He is probably abusing his current partner too FYI, and is already setting her up to be the bad guy to you so he can play you off against one another.

Just Stop. If I was your partner I would feel so hurt by your behaviour op. He doesn't deserve this. See about getting yourself some therapy for your past and for you potential codependency issues.

He cheated on you-repeatedly.
He starved you out of the children’s home.

So he’s struggling with his new gf and wants to re-connect with you? You’d be mad to allow him anywhere near him.