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Original poster

Excessive cleaning!

42 replies

nextweekfriday · 29/05/2022 18:09

Hi my partner excessively cleans and it's become really difficult to talk to him about it as he becomes really defensive...today he's spent a long time changing the bedding, hoovering the cushions, airing everything...I appreciate it, it's just always excessive! My mum has said to use it to my advantage but I just find it all a bit unsettling...

OP posts:
WombatNo12 · 29/05/2022 18:11

Kids?

Will be a nightmare if you have small babies.

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 29/05/2022 18:13

Yes we have one whose 3! Even she has told him to stop hoovering!...it's out me off having any more as I don't want them to feel like they always need to tidy up!

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 29/05/2022 19:45

Is this a sudden thing or has he always done it?
And is it done in a resentful , passive aggressive sort of way or because he needs/wants to clean?

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 29/05/2022 19:51

He's always been neat & tidy but I think he hid a lot of it and gradually he's just does more and more (our house is very clean compared to normal standards). It takes him alot of time and I'm not sure how to respond now...I don't want to thank him as I don't want to encourage it and if I do say anything he gets defensive...

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 29/05/2022 20:01

Possibly OCD? I wondered if maybe cleaning was his reaction to something unsettling happening in his life, problems at work maybe.
If he won’t talk about his reasons would he write them down? Obviously being able to talk to you is important and by far the best but at least you’d have a starting point if he said why.

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 30/05/2022 19:55

I think it is OCD but he's very in denial it's just hard being in a position where you can't mention his bizarre actions!

OP posts:
tocas · 30/05/2022 19:57

I clean in response to stress, I think it is quite common. It is a problem if it is interfering on your lives / relationship though. Is it?

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 10:29

Well it is as my partner will spend quite a long time doing tasks meticulously and excessively. I now just don't say anything but I can't quite respect what he's doing as it's obsessive and quite immasculating which turns me off him. it also doesn't seem like normal behaviour...

OP posts:
andymary · 31/05/2022 14:18

Maybe it's something that's been passed on from a parent? Or failing that, something that he's gotten used to doing as his 'hobby'. Does he have many friends and have any other hobbies that he does, or is cleaning his main objective?

HerculesMulligan · 31/05/2022 14:19

I don't see how it's emasculating, however frustrating it is. That's your thing, not his.

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 14:21

andymary · 31/05/2022 14:18

Maybe it's something that's been passed on from a parent? Or failing that, something that he's gotten used to doing as his 'hobby'. Does he have many friends and have any other hobbies that he does, or is cleaning his main objective?

You've hit the nail onthe head his mother was like that...and he doesn't have many friends or hobbies...I tried to encourage him to do develop more interests but he doesn't seem interested and it's hard to make him do things...

OP posts:
andymary · 31/05/2022 16:34

nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 14:21

You've hit the nail onthe head his mother was like that...and he doesn't have many friends or hobbies...I tried to encourage him to do develop more interests but he doesn't seem interested and it's hard to make him do things...

Show quote history

It's a hard one, as he's not doing anything bad, wrong, or harmful. The downfall from it being the obsessive behaviour, that is having an adverse effect on your relationship I'm guessing?
He may just need a little counseling to help him break from the cycle, but if he gets defensive talking about it with you then it may be hard to suggest something like that to him. It's a shame as it's not like he's drinking or taking drugs, so it sounds silly talking about someone cleaning in this way, but I understand how it can affect you and your relations with him.

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 20:15

Yes it's the obsessive nature of how he does things and if I say anything he gets really touchy...so I feel like we have a bit of a warped reality sometimes with him spending hours doing every job excessively...he'd like another baby but I'm really worried as he used to really nit pick my parenting...also I was under a lot of financially pressure to pay half for everything all throughout my mat leave...

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 31/05/2022 20:37

I had this with my dad and I really wish my mum had stepped in. As he got older it got worse. It was difficult to relax at home. He'd pre-empt a mess like me baking a cake in my teens and go through everything that will need cleaning afterwards sucking the joy out if it. He was anxious a lot. As a result I clean when stressed and cant cope with too much mess in the house and suffer with generalised anxiety frequently. Your little one is already picking up on it. My dad got this trait off his mum and she wished back then OCD was known and talked about and she'd got help. All 5 of her children and now some of her grandchildren suffer with it - high functioning directors of companies etc. I'd suggest trying to get him to a GP. You and your little one are the priority

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 31/05/2022 21:14

Wish I had someone to do all the cleaning. But do understand how annoying it would be and think he needs some help as he has ocd and cannot help it and must make him narky and annoy himself. I take cymbalta for anxiety and has helped me calm down on the cleaning and even got a dog and got used to hairs even though I do clean am not obsessive and more relaxed. Try to get him to see a doctor or else he will pass his ocd and anxiety onto the kids and you will all be walking on eggshells.

LadyLolaRuben · 31/05/2022 21:20

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 31/05/2022 21:14

Wish I had someone to do all the cleaning. But do understand how annoying it would be and think he needs some help as he has ocd and cannot help it and must make him narky and annoy himself. I take cymbalta for anxiety and has helped me calm down on the cleaning and even got a dog and got used to hairs even though I do clean am not obsessive and more relaxed. Try to get him to see a doctor or else he will pass his ocd and anxiety onto the kids and you will all be walking on eggshells.

Yes good point. Walking on eggshells was another issue.

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 21:28

LadyLolaRuben · 31/05/2022 20:37

I had this with my dad and I really wish my mum had stepped in. As he got older it got worse. It was difficult to relax at home. He'd pre-empt a mess like me baking a cake in my teens and go through everything that will need cleaning afterwards sucking the joy out if it. He was anxious a lot. As a result I clean when stressed and cant cope with too much mess in the house and suffer with generalised anxiety frequently. Your little one is already picking up on it. My dad got this trait off his mum and she wished back then OCD was known and talked about and she'd got help. All 5 of her children and now some of her grandchildren suffer with it - high functioning directors of companies etc. I'd suggest trying to get him to a GP. You and your little one are the priority

I'm already walking on egg shells. And so many things have become joyless.I am VERY worried about daughter thinking she needs to be tidy all the time...he doesn't tend to tidy her toys it's just very particular things...working from home and lock down hasnt helped as he's at home so
much more. If I tell him his cleaning is excessively or ocd he denies it and deflects it away. I just can't see him getting help. I'm worried if we separated he'd have my daughter some of the time and I wouldn't be able to see how he'd be behaving...which would make me even more worried. He is one of 6 siblings and I think at least 3 others of them have it...but it's hard to bring it up and openly talk about it...I dont think they're a family that discusses feelings...

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 31/05/2022 21:37

Is there any way you could sit down with him to watch one of those shoes about excessive cleaning or calmly ask him if he cleans more if he feels stressed as I used to get like that and obsessing over one area. I think if you can get him to take up exercise that would use up some of his energy and help him manage his stress levels as it is horrible for him also but you have to talk to him and ask him to open up to you. As you said not easy as he will be defensive but that is just him probably knowing he has an issue and feeling ashamed of it. But he can get help if he talks to the doctor and there is lots of things like therapy, meds etc that can help all of you have a better and calmer life.

Conniebluesky · 31/05/2022 21:44

I have never come across someone with the same problem as me. I feel your pain. if you complain people will tell you that they wish they had a partner like that, they do not understand the frustration of living with a man who cleans things that don't need cleaning and takes time away from the family to do it. It took me a long time to realise that this was a reaction to stress and was closely related to OCD.
The person who said that this may be familial was spot on in my case - his mother is exactly the same and it is learned behaviour.
Over the years I learned to take the benefit of the cleaning, to not take it personally as it was his problem and had nothing to do with me, and to only clean along side him (ie I never cleaned the house unless he was cleaning) so we did it together. This has become easier over time, and I have to say I quite enjoy our cleaning sessions now, but we have been married over thirty years, and it has taken time a long to reach this stage.

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 21:53

Well I think we have discussed him being a perfectionist particularly when he was nit picking my parenting. He is also very particular about money (so I can't see him joining the gym as he doesnt go regularly and has a home gym which is packed up currently). His behaviour is so engrained that he doesn't see anything wrong with it unless I challenge it which is exhausting given how defensive he is. It feels like I'm trapped with no way out as I'd like to leave but am worried about dismantling my daughters life and also how I'd manage financially...I also find he fusses unecessarily about simple things too so I don't tend to suggest any family outings or a holiday as I'd be worried about how strained things would become if we encountered an mishaps or a flight delay or my daughter getting I'll or anything unpredictable...he'd start fussing or fretting which would annoy me...

OP posts:
Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 21:58

Conniebluesky · 31/05/2022 21:44

I have never come across someone with the same problem as me. I feel your pain. if you complain people will tell you that they wish they had a partner like that, they do not understand the frustration of living with a man who cleans things that don't need cleaning and takes time away from the family to do it. It took me a long time to realise that this was a reaction to stress and was closely related to OCD.
The person who said that this may be familial was spot on in my case - his mother is exactly the same and it is learned behaviour.
Over the years I learned to take the benefit of the cleaning, to not take it personally as it was his problem and had nothing to do with me, and to only clean along side him (ie I never cleaned the house unless he was cleaning) so we did it together. This has become easier over time, and I have to say I quite enjoy our cleaning sessions now, but we have been married over thirty years, and it has taken time a long to reach this stage.

Oh wow 30years! That's an impressive amount of time to handle that behaviour. Do you have kids? Does your partner do anything else ocd like? As my partner can be like that with money and savings/discounts etc. he also fusses over simple logistics sometimes and can go over and over things. I also won't use his car as if it's marked or damaged in anyway he'll think I've not driven it right. I thought I was patient but I've found it all incredibly testing.

OP posts:
Reluctantadult · 31/05/2022 22:02

I have quickly skimmed this and didn't spot a ref to this already, but this is kind of the reason that The Organised Mumm Method was started up by whoever the lady is... It's basically a cleaning schedule she came up with to enable her to stop spending so much time cleaning. Although most people that use it now will be aiming to clean more I expect! Might be worth a look. She's got a website, Instagram and app.

Conniebluesky · 31/05/2022 22:37

Yes we have four children, he left the parenting very much up to me, he was too busy with work and the other things that occupied him, which of course included the cleaning. He is someone who cannot relax, he has to be doing something. Interestingly he also has an obsession with saving money, but weirdly only small amounts, like saving coupons. His obsessions are always much worse when he is stressed. I have often wondered whether he is on the high functioning autistic spectrum, but it has never been diagnosed. None of our children are like him, which also makes me think that he is copying the behaviour of his parents. The reason our marriage survived is because he is such a hard worker and good provider, and because he is extremely loving.

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 22:49

Conniebluesky · 31/05/2022 22:37

Yes we have four children, he left the parenting very much up to me, he was too busy with work and the other things that occupied him, which of course included the cleaning. He is someone who cannot relax, he has to be doing something. Interestingly he also has an obsession with saving money, but weirdly only small amounts, like saving coupons. His obsessions are always much worse when he is stressed. I have often wondered whether he is on the high functioning autistic spectrum, but it has never been diagnosed. None of our children are like him, which also makes me think that he is copying the behaviour of his parents. The reason our marriage survived is because he is such a hard worker and good provider, and because he is extremely loving.

I can see if he left you do the parenting as you'd like it then that would have made things easier to navigate. My partner is quite hands on...I do see what you mean about high functioning autism having just read the symptoms - eg devotion to routines, disliking change etc...its sounds like if you clean with him that you work around his behaviours together...Or have you openly discussed it with him does he admit anything to you? Do you find you need space from him/his behaviour at all? I'm finding that I'm immersed in this odd ocd world where certain things need to be kept clean/tidy in a certain way and I can't openly discuss things makes me feel very stifled and needing space from it! Do you think it's affected your kids?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 31/05/2022 22:52

but this is another thread where the problem isn't the problem because this "he used to really nit pick my parenting...also I was under a lot of financially pressure to pay half for everything all throughout my mat leave."