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Original poster

Excessive cleaning!

42 replies

nextweekfriday · 29/05/2022 18:09

Hi my partner excessively cleans and it's become really difficult to talk to him about it as he becomes really defensive...today he's spent a long time changing the bedding, hoovering the cushions, airing everything...I appreciate it, it's just always excessive! My mum has said to use it to my advantage but I just find it all a bit unsettling...

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 31/05/2022 23:04

Oh OP yes going on holiday as you point out became a palaver for my dad - locking up routine and leaving the house was a nightmare. And yes when things went wrong, holidays or things broke it was a disaster to him. I have to tell you that my mum was very laid back but she has fibromyalgia (sorry if spelling is incorrect) now. Basically, its nerve pain through her body and touching her skin can hurt. Its an autoimmune condition that can be triggered by stress. I really do believe my dads ways triggered it. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. For what its worth, perfectionism can be a result of trying to please parents when the person was a child. My dads parents were not emotionally intelligent and I'm convinced that's where his problems came from

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 23:13

LadyLolaRuben · 31/05/2022 23:04

Oh OP yes going on holiday as you point out became a palaver for my dad - locking up routine and leaving the house was a nightmare. And yes when things went wrong, holidays or things broke it was a disaster to him. I have to tell you that my mum was very laid back but she has fibromyalgia (sorry if spelling is incorrect) now. Basically, its nerve pain through her body and touching her skin can hurt. Its an autoimmune condition that can be triggered by stress. I really do believe my dads ways triggered it. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. For what its worth, perfectionism can be a result of trying to please parents when the person was a child. My dads parents were not emotionally intelligent and I'm convinced that's where his problems came from

Well it's interesting that you mention that as I have an autoimmune disorder thyroid related that was diagnosed when my daughter was 1...also my partner does freak when things get broken which I find really stressful and annoying. A lot of his behaviour makes me quite angry but I never want to argue in front of my daughter which makes me note my tongue a lot....

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 31/05/2022 23:37

This is so interesting OP. You've already said he deflects. So raising it with him won't be easy. But if you want to have a more relaxed home something needs to change. He needs to own this and commit to working on it or you consider the impact on you and your daughter. My mum used to give in or go along with things for a quiet life. Im a minimiser, so when something is wrong, I suppress emotions, probably because as I child I didnt want to trigger my dad's anxiety. So I worried about his emotions rather than my own. My sister has a whole raft of issues from her experience. My dad was a lovely caring man but lived off his nerves, it actually killed him in the end. It was so much more relaxed when he wasn't at home. I'd think long and hard about your next move. Your priority is the health and happiness of you and your daughter. Keep us posted on how you get on x

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 01/06/2022 00:00

LadyLolaRuben · 31/05/2022 23:37

This is so interesting OP. You've already said he deflects. So raising it with him won't be easy. But if you want to have a more relaxed home something needs to change. He needs to own this and commit to working on it or you consider the impact on you and your daughter. My mum used to give in or go along with things for a quiet life. Im a minimiser, so when something is wrong, I suppress emotions, probably because as I child I didnt want to trigger my dad's anxiety. So I worried about his emotions rather than my own. My sister has a whole raft of issues from her experience. My dad was a lovely caring man but lived off his nerves, it actually killed him in the end. It was so much more relaxed when he wasn't at home. I'd think long and hard about your next move. Your priority is the health and happiness of you and your daughter. Keep us posted on how you get on x

I'm sorry to hear of the effect that kind of behaviour has had on you and your sister. It's a bit heart breaking to hear. I'd be interested in your view - I'd like to leave but I'm worried that if we separated that my daughter would spend half time with him and I wouldn't be there to moderate his ocd and how he might treat her. Whereas currently if I think his behaviour crosses the line or if he overreacts to something my daughter does then I swoop in and protect her. There's my dilemma....(I was planning to leave however further down the line once I was in financially robust position which may not be til I get some family inheritance...)

OP posts:
Bednobsbroomsticks · 01/06/2022 08:43

Excessive cleaning doesn't automatically mean ocd. Unless he is doing it for fear of contamination or if a cushion isn't sat right someone will die . Does he clean because of intrusive thoughts? If so he could use some therapy.

Bearsinmotion · 01/06/2022 09:03

I left ex DP who had contamination OCD and insisted on everything being excessively washed (including rubbish and recycling) or left totally untouched. When he didn’t have enough time to clean things it just built up… and up… and up. The DC were constantly on eggshells, yet living in a tip, and I got it in the neck whenever there were any transgressions or if I suggested some things didn’t need to be done.

It’s such an insidious process - the boiling frog analogy describes it perfectly. I just became accustomed to all the restrictions - not having friends over, not going on holiday, kids not coming into contact with potentially contaminated things (crayons, chalk, old buildings, farm animals…).

Your concern about your daughter being with him and not you - would that actually be the case? Ex was completely in denial about the impact of his behaviour on the DC but since he moved out he’s realised he can’t cope with them on his own for more than a few hours let alone 50/50 custody.

Conniebluesky · 01/06/2022 09:30

He travelled a lot for work, so I naturally got space away from him. He could not countenance that his behaviour was odd, so to point it out would have resulted in a row. Although I did manage to moderate some of his behaviour, but only if it made sense to him, so for example, I stopped him washing up during a dinner party, because I said it made people uncomfortable and that's why they were leaving early, and he loves having visitors.

He grew up with a very distant father, so his role model was his mother, a very strange woman - in fact if Mumsnet had been in existence then, I would have spent a lot of time on the MIL threads!

I learned to work around it as you say, as my priority was always to maintain as happy a home for the children as I could. They have a great deal of affection for their father, but they are aware that his behaviour is odd, and so comments take the form of jokes, which doesn't appear to bother him at all. They are all adults now and none of them live with us. My youngest, the only girl and the last to leave home, did get frustrated with him and asked me to stop him hoovering at all hours, particularly outside her room. I also think she warns friends about him before they visit.

LadyLolaRuben · 01/06/2022 19:27

Hi OP. I see you predicament. You're stuck between 100% oversight of your daughter or 50% if you separate. I would go and speak to a solicitor - you normally get a free half hour. Tell them about your predicament and that as you would separate due to his behaviour, would this reduce or alter contact requirements as you're concerned about the impact on her. Then you can make an informed decision. Let us know how you get on x

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 03/06/2022 08:17

Bearsinmotion · 01/06/2022 09:03

I left ex DP who had contamination OCD and insisted on everything being excessively washed (including rubbish and recycling) or left totally untouched. When he didn’t have enough time to clean things it just built up… and up… and up. The DC were constantly on eggshells, yet living in a tip, and I got it in the neck whenever there were any transgressions or if I suggested some things didn’t need to be done.

It’s such an insidious process - the boiling frog analogy describes it perfectly. I just became accustomed to all the restrictions - not having friends over, not going on holiday, kids not coming into contact with potentially contaminated things (crayons, chalk, old buildings, farm animals…).

Your concern about your daughter being with him and not you - would that actually be the case? Ex was completely in denial about the impact of his behaviour on the DC but since he moved out he’s realised he can’t cope with them on his own for more than a few hours let alone 50/50 custody.

I keep thinking about the boiling frog analogy!...and insidious is the perfect way to describe it...the issue is that my partners behaviour hasn't completely crossed the line he's not doing anything extreme like you mentioned with your partner that would make me say right that's it. Also he has tried to curb his behaviour and relax a bit esp around nit picking...So it's harder to make a clear decision to leave. I also feel alot of responsibility to try and keep a family unit together for the sake of my daughter and the financial implication of leaving esp at the moment really worries me...we moved at Xmas have lots of friendly neighbours and a great school close by which I'd hope she'd go to next year etc...

OP posts:
Giraffesandyellowroses · 21/06/2023 23:19

how are you doing?
my partner is the same!

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2023 00:01

nextweekfriday · 31/05/2022 20:15

Yes it's the obsessive nature of how he does things and if I say anything he gets really touchy...so I feel like we have a bit of a warped reality sometimes with him spending hours doing every job excessively...he'd like another baby but I'm really worried as he used to really nit pick my parenting...also I was under a lot of financially pressure to pay half for everything all throughout my mat leave...

So he's financially tight as well?

It doesn't sound like a good relationship

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 22/06/2023 05:15

Giraffesandyellowroses · 21/06/2023 23:19

how are you doing?
my partner is the same!

I've managed to separate and have never felt better!

OP posts:
Giraffesandyellowroses · 22/06/2023 07:01

Congratulations ❤️

LadyLolaRuben · 23/06/2023 20:29

What a lovely update. How is your daughter taking it all. Is your homelife more relaxed?

Original poster
nextweekfriday · 23/06/2023 20:33

Not quite relaxed as my ex partner is still living here until next month. I'm concerned how my daughter will adjust to half time between homes but time will tell.

OP posts:
SecondtimeMama29 · 23/06/2023 20:38

Ffs. I feel this is judgemental because it's a man!

Everyone is entitled to clean to whatever their standards - it may be a stress reaction!

At least he isn't imposing on you! Be grateful.

Hollyppp · 24/06/2023 12:13

nextweekfriday · 22/06/2023 05:15

I've managed to separate and have never felt better!

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Yay so pleased for you x

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