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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner not helping in the home at weekends

28 replies

Lostinspacemummy · 28/05/2022 15:28

He works long shifts all week and at the weekends he wants to play gaming...firstly these are unsuitable violent games for our young children to see but he isn't bothered by it, I am. Secondly I'm a sahm and I'm never child free all week, I'd appreciate a break and some help keeping our home nice but at weekends he starts playing games, I hate it so I leave the room, if I ask him to not play it all afternoon or can he help me with something he will start to roll his eyes at me and start to moan saying he doesn't want to argue..as if I'm disturbing his time.. meanwhile the children are playing and he's not doing anything with them and I'm expected to carry on doing what I do any other day? Tidying up and hanging laundry up etc..fitting in gardening too, with no help from him. I'm fed up with our weekends being like this. I think we need to argue because he's causing it not me. I will talk to him calmly and I bet he will get moody and blame it on me somehow.. what would you do with this?

OP posts:
Fleur405 · 28/05/2022 15:37

I don’t know why you or him frame this as him “helping you”. I get that he works and you are at home so of course you will bear the bigger burden of housework etc but it’s not the 1950s and you’re not his maid. Also by the sound of it he spends very little quality time with the children which isn’t really acceptable if you ask me.

My OH works full time and I’m currently on mat leave. Right now I’m feeding the baby and OH is cleaning the kitchen and making up baby’s top up feed. He had the baby all morning while I went to collect something I ordered. This isn’t him doing me a favour, this is him participating in the running of our family life!

Threetulips · 28/05/2022 15:41

We did a tag team for this - I would take the kids out Saturday afternoon and he would do Sunday.

That way we both got a break and child free time.

It’s worth the extra effort for down time. Why not suggest that?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2022 15:42

Are they his children too? If so why doesn’t he want to spend time with them? You don’t get to know the people your children are unless you spend time caring for them and doing things they enjoy.

He's not not helping, he’s choosing not to play any part in his family apart from financially. Why do you think that is?

Did he wants children? Does he want to live in a nice home, eat meals, wear clean clothes?

Is he happy with you not working?

It sounds like nothing will change because he doesn’t want it to. So can you live with that? Is it an example you want your children growing up watching? He sounds like he’s addicted to gaming and neither you nor the children are interesting enough to him to drag him away from the screen.

girlmom21 · 28/05/2022 15:44

So he has no time for his kids, partner or home? Lovely...

Original poster
Lostinspacemummy · 28/05/2022 15:58

My partner helped like that when ours were babys too but gradually hes stopped doing the chores and it's all falling on me to do everything and it's not acceptable I know

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 28/05/2022 16:57

Get back to work is my suggestion

frozendaisy · 28/05/2022 17:08

So being a SAHM I didn't expect any help with the housework normally, illness, sick child exceptions. But I did expect him to be a dad. And he was to be fair.

So that is where I would start in your position.

TheFoxAndTheStar · 28/05/2022 17:13

Does he spend any time with the kids at all?

do you get any child free time at all?

fghj149 · 28/05/2022 17:42

I really hate the gaming thing too when DH dabbles with it (especially violence) and we don’t even have our child yet so can’t imagine how frustrating it must be, especially when you talk about his lack of involvement with the kids. To echo what someone else said I’d start with that too and let him know sternly how this has made you feel.I’d try to avoid a huge blow out about it because you’ll be understandably furious and his attempts to defend himself might make you even more angry and unable to get all of your points across. Even if he sees housework/gardening as somehow out with his remit, he can’t ignore his responsibilities as a Dad. Hope things get brighter for you very soon and he wakes up to reality xx

gamerchick · 28/05/2022 18:02

It's not cool to play violent video games around little kids. I like them but there's a time for it and it's not when parenting and shit is to be done.

Sadly you can't change him but you can change your environment. You have to think where the line is drawn along with every other hobby that men do that puts house and family last.

Afterfire · 28/05/2022 18:05

ZekeZeke · 28/05/2022 16:57

Get back to work is my suggestion

Yeah because then op will be working 40 hours a week, picking and dropping the kids off AND still doing all the house shit as well….

Why does everyone always pipe up with get a job? Yeah it might make it easier to leave her useless husband financially but it won’t make her life any easier in the short term.

HillCrestingGoat · 28/05/2022 18:09

Stop using the word "help" as help means it is your job and you are asking someone to participate in it. What you are actually asking is for him to parent his children, spend time with them, build a relationship with them, prioritise their needs over his own, play the games they want to play.

You need to talk to your partner and agree that you both get the same amount of free time. His is clearly on a weekend so when is your free time? I am a SAHM and had a lie in every Sunday. Dh had one on a Saturday. He would deal with both children, took them out for breakfast, entertained them and kept them downstairs and away from their sleeping Mother. He also spent time one on one with each child. They are now teenagers and incredibly close to their Dad.

Dancefever · 28/05/2022 18:11

Do you ever go out together as a family or is he gaming all weekend?

yesterdaytheycame · 28/05/2022 19:01

frozendaisy · 28/05/2022 17:08

So being a SAHM I didn't expect any help with the housework normally, illness, sick child exceptions. But I did expect him to be a dad. And he was to be fair.

So that is where I would start in your position.

I agree. as a housewife I am responsible for cleaning the home. Now, I don't crave to be employed so I find this "job" to be preferable to me being expected to earn money. I earn money but I'm not responsible for bills, an that's a huge load off for me, personally.

If you don't desire to be at work I'd be sucking up the housework. Having said that my husband does "big" jobs such as building large furniture, booking holidays (because he's paying), and clearing large areas such as garden.

I literally don't expect him to lift a finger cleaning, in fact I discourage it because it gets in the way of my routines and systems.

But it's a real issue he is not parenting his children or engaging in family life. Does he love you and the kids? Seems he needs to be reminded that life is with his family, not his xbox teammates.

yesterdaytheycame · 28/05/2022 19:03

HillCrestingGoat · 28/05/2022 18:09

Stop using the word "help" as help means it is your job and you are asking someone to participate in it. What you are actually asking is for him to parent his children, spend time with them, build a relationship with them, prioritise their needs over his own, play the games they want to play.

You need to talk to your partner and agree that you both get the same amount of free time. His is clearly on a weekend so when is your free time? I am a SAHM and had a lie in every Sunday. Dh had one on a Saturday. He would deal with both children, took them out for breakfast, entertained them and kept them downstairs and away from their sleeping Mother. He also spent time one on one with each child. They are now teenagers and incredibly close to their Dad.

It is often the job of the stay at home parent to do the housework, just as it's the job of the earning parent to earn the money, and there's nothing wrong with that.

NewandNotImproved · 28/05/2022 19:15

Terrible idea to be dependent on a boyfriend. What legal protections do you have in place? Who own the house?

Was he useless after child no. 1 was born?

NewandNotImproved · 28/05/2022 19:17

@Afterfire obviously because it’s a very bad idea to sacrifice her career and pension contributions to raise the kids of a man who is just a boyfriend. And one who appears not not really give a shit about her, or the kids he made.

InFiveMins · 28/05/2022 19:18

Honestly, I couldn't be with a man like this. He's behaving like another one of your children, it sounds so stressful.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 29/05/2022 07:07

The gaming box would be out the window I'm afraid . Book a day or night out with your friends and have a break .

Shoxfordian · 29/05/2022 08:34

He sounds like a teenage boy not an adult with responsibilities

user1471538283 · 29/05/2022 08:39

This really annoys me. If he lived on his own he would have to clean and do laundry. He should want to play with the DC.

I work long hours and my entire day yesterday was grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning. I dont get a weekend off.

ElenaSt · 29/05/2022 08:43

I wouldn't want to be with someone who's idea of entertainment is playing video games. How utterly boring and embarrassing for a grown man and that coupled with his inability to participate in family life would mean him being shown the door.

Etinoxaurus · 29/05/2022 08:46

The chores are a read herring. Does he spend any time with his kids?

girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 08:47

Etinoxaurus · 29/05/2022 08:46

The chores are a read herring. Does he spend any time with his kids?

No they're not a 'red herring'. Do you know what a red herring is? They're very much part of the big issue.

Cherrysoup · 29/05/2022 09:03

Stop doing anything for him. Roll your eyes when he wants sex. Leave him. If my DH preferred to game all weekend than spend time with me/be an adult, I’d see no point in the relationship.