Please advise on young adult daughter

[Cismyfatarse]

Help!!!

Our daughter is 21, away at University. She began struggling in her last year of school when she supported a boy of her age with cancer (cured!) but it was only minor struggles consistent with a tough time. She had lots of friends, a good social life, and home is very ordinary. Married parents, older brother. Limited contact with the wider (a bit toxic) family.

She became acutely anxious and is now on Sertraline, has counselling and is improving. We pay for a counsellor and have not got involved at all, leaving her to manage it all. We see her regularly and have supported her desire to live independently over the summer rather than coming home.

However, to my question.

Over the last 2 years she has put on a massive amount of weight. She is short (5ft 3) and now heading to a size 20. She drinks a lot of cider (student in Devon!) and works in a posh restaurant that feeds staff what they want. She is a vegetarian (recent choice, possibly for 'diet' reasons) but we see her consume huge amounts of sugar (drink sweets etc).

We have remained completely silent. Not mentioned it at all. I took her shopping for new clothes and made no comment, just got her exactly what she wanted (all black,tight fitting). I have taken her food shopping and she buys very healthy food but drinks her calories in coffee etc.

Can we do anything?

At the moment we have made no comment at all at any point.

Do I ask her to diet with me? Offer her a fitness camp? Pay for a different type of counselling?

What is best? Do nothing? Risk upsetting her by offering help? Is it a kind of eating disorder?

Any advice very welcome. At 21 she is her own person but her life is being made more difficult all the time and her weight might be part of that.

We have asked the counsellor for (hypothetical) advice as we know he can't comment for reasons of confidentiality.

Any other ideas?

We are scared of putting her mental health at risk but also want to help her address her weight.

Thanks.

Leave her alone.

Im her height and went from a size 10 to a size 20 in the space of 6 months - admittedly I was on the highest dose of Pregabalin for PTSD and it’s notorious for rapid weight gain. It was also making me so drowsy that I was sleeping 10 hours a night and napping for 2-3 hours a day.

I felt shit, I looked shit, I’ve never been that big in my life - even during my 3 pregnancies, I never went above 11 stone, but on that medication I went to 16 stone when I’m usually 9 stone.

In the last 6 months (after being on the highest dose for 12 months) I’ve weaned down to a much lower dose and the weight has dropped it off with no effort from me, which confirms the meds caused it.

Im not familiar with the medication she’s on. But there’s a lot of research now into how the fuck up metabolism, especially in women.

She doesn’t

She is an adult. You don’t say anything. Maybe a one off, as in once only comment about sugar in drinks not being good for teeth.

Thank you so much.

That has been my instinct and we have both (and her brother) remained totally silent. We will continue to do so while offering healthy options when at home.

She shares a flat with 2 girls from London who both order food via app all the time. So she does this too. The difference is they then go for a run or play hockey and they buy salads. She orders in sugary coffees and pizzas.

Do nothing. Only one person can do anything about it, and that's her. She will tackle her weight when she's ready, if she wants to. There is nothing you can say which won't risk damaging your relationship with her, and for no purpose.

The meds cause weight gain. Really her GP should be picking this up at reviews and exploring other options, but the way things are with health services, people are being very neglected. I think I'd be encouraging her to push for a review without specific reference to her weight.

Yeah do and say nothing - not a word. She's an adult (albeit a slightly vulnerable and anxious one) and she will be completely aware of her size. Let her mention it in her own time and be mindful that she may NEVER mention it or want to lose weight, or lose weight.

I get it - we were in a similar situation with my dd1 who is now 24 and we're through the worst but it's still not a conversation I ever initiate.
It's so very hard so take care of yourself too

Our son is 15. Since he was 5 we talk about a healthy lifestyle - healthy food, regular exercise, calories.

He is used to keeping slim and fit.

It's ok to have an occasional treat but in a small amount. It's all about creating healthy habits.

What does your daughter study at University?

I told my young adult son when he was getting fat - but we have a very open relationship so it was easy to say .
he obviously was already aware of his size anyway

What has this got to do with the OPs situation. My parents did the same and I was slim an active and still got fat at Uni, weight gain is not always so simple. Not all weight gain is to do with the parents teaching healthy habits or not.

Does she have her future planned at all. After uni I'm applying for this job in this town etc

Sertraline is really bad for overeating. I put on 3 stone with it. I’ve been on lots of different anti depressants, and l would put that in the top 5 for overeating.

Lofepramine is the best one for stopping overeating. Tbh most anti depressants cause it, it’s to do with serotonin

No you can’t say anything, unless she mentions it.

why are you speaking to her counsellor??

Do you honestly think that is relevant or do you just look for inappropriate times to shoehorn a boast into the conversation? When OP’s daughter was 15 and had no mental health issues she was thin too. If insist on patting yourself on the back for everything that is going well in your children’s lives you are in for a VERY rude awakening one of these days.

Don’t mention it. She already knows! In her own time and at her own pace she can change this if she chooses too. If you raise it you risk her feeling judged and belittled when she’ll already be judging herself more harshly than anyone else ever could.

@Sunnygirl1

How smug and entirely inappropriate

You do not understand depression and really should comment with something so utterly irrelevant and damaging

How ghastly

Please don't say anything.

Firstly, she knows. Trust me - she is fully aware of her weight gain and everything that comes with it. She doesn't need anyone pointing it out - it's simply not helpful.

Secondly - she is working on her anxiety and mental health. That needs to be her priority right now. Anxiety can be crippling, paralysing and overwhelming. Once she has made progress with her mental health - she will be in a better position to probably take more control over her life, including her physical health. It is hard to get motivated to focus on a diet and exercise regime when you are constantly drained and exhausted just from getting through the day. Counselling in itself is exhausting and very very draining.

I have battled weight issues for many years, and nothing is more frustrating than when I am making positive changes myself and getting myself in the right headspace - and other people stick their noses in. My mum used to do the thing about claiming she was worried about my health - when it really wasn't. The first thing she remarked about anyone was whether they were too fat in her eyes - even if they weren't remotely overweight. She was fixated on how people looked to her. And when I did lose loads of weight suddenly that wasn't good enough.

Please also don't suggest doing dieting or exercise together - it always amazes me when people talk about doing this like the other person won't immediately know that it is a tactic aimed at their weight. It feels manipulative and patronising - whether or not it is intended that way.

Let her focus on her mental health - and support her in that. I'd bet that once she is feeling better emotionally and mentally, that she will have much more energy and focus to devote to her physical health - but let her do it in her own time and her own way. Obviously if she expresses worry about it then make suggestions - but be led by her and do it in a collaborative way that is respectful, transparent and supportive. Ask her what exercise appeals to her and let her drive it. Ultimately though she is an adult and it is up to her to decide how she wants to be.

Literature. So she can indulge her love of books, especially gothic stuff.

We are not speaking. I e-mailed to ask, in general terms, if one should mention weight gain or consider encouraging her to return to the Dr. He has not replied and I am fully aware that he is not allowed (nor would I wish him to) consult with me. However, it is a private service that we arranged and pay for so I have some limited contact via paying the bill so know who she goes to, when etc as it is billed on an hourly basis.

We have not put a limit on counselling, or asked for any feedback from DD. She occasionally tells us things and is better so we will continue with it until she tells us she wants to stop.

Thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful post. You have made me cry as I don't think I had thought about how much this is worrying me.

I am going to follow your advice. I have not hinted / said anything / made any judgements. We adjusted to her becoming vegetarian and deliberately made no issue of it (although very tempted as she was a very keen meat eater).

Eating/drinking sweet things, things high in carbs, milky things, all reduce anxiety on top of the relaxing sensation of eating and drinking in itself.

To suggest she stops doing things that soothe and calm her means suggesting she stops feeling anxious.

Thank you. I hadn't picked up on the undertones in this.

She grew up very healthily. We all like a slice of cake but we live fairly remotely so cake had to be driven for, or made at home. We don't have crisps or snacks, or puddings and no one takes sugar or drinks fizzy drinks. DH and I drink water / herbal tea / coffee only (unless we are out when we drink wine).

Her brother is a very healthy eater and we have only ever cooked from scratch, partly from necessity, given where we lived. No takeaways etc.

So, I am confident she understands what to do. I just worry that the drugs have tamped down her drive and made her reach for easy options and sugary foods.

Thank you. I know this to be true! I don't have a medical issue but know well the power of hot chocolate and cake in the middle of a busy day.

As others have said that Anti depressant can cause massive weight gain, my own Dd went on it after her friend died just before she went off to Uni. (we are also paying for her to have therapy) and she put on weight, she was on it for about 2 years and when she came off it she did lose most of the weight. As others have said just hang on in there and be ready to chat if she wants to.

I do understand it’s a real worry for you and you only want to help, I hope she continues to make progress.

My DD is coming up to 16, mid GCSEs, had high functioning autism, and anxiety. She must have put on 2 stone over the last couple of months.

I have made no comment .. I have however said that post-GCSEs we are going to have a “healer eating summer” - which she is very much looking forward to.