Please advise on young adult daughter

[Cismyfatarse]

Help!!!

Our daughter is 21, away at University. She began struggling in her last year of school when she supported a boy of her age with cancer (cured!) but it was only minor struggles consistent with a tough time. She had lots of friends, a good social life, and home is very ordinary. Married parents, older brother. Limited contact with the wider (a bit toxic) family.

She became acutely anxious and is now on Sertraline, has counselling and is improving. We pay for a counsellor and have not got involved at all, leaving her to manage it all. We see her regularly and have supported her desire to live independently over the summer rather than coming home.

However, to my question.

Over the last 2 years she has put on a massive amount of weight. She is short (5ft 3) and now heading to a size 20. She drinks a lot of cider (student in Devon!) and works in a posh restaurant that feeds staff what they want. She is a vegetarian (recent choice, possibly for 'diet' reasons) but we see her consume huge amounts of sugar (drink sweets etc).

We have remained completely silent. Not mentioned it at all. I took her shopping for new clothes and made no comment, just got her exactly what she wanted (all black,tight fitting). I have taken her food shopping and she buys very healthy food but drinks her calories in coffee etc.

Can we do anything?

At the moment we have made no comment at all at any point.

Do I ask her to diet with me? Offer her a fitness camp? Pay for a different type of counselling?

What is best? Do nothing? Risk upsetting her by offering help? Is it a kind of eating disorder?

Any advice very welcome. At 21 she is her own person but her life is being made more difficult all the time and her weight might be part of that.

We have asked the counsellor for (hypothetical) advice as we know he can't comment for reasons of confidentiality.

Any other ideas?

We are scared of putting her mental health at risk but also want to help her address her weight.

Thanks.

Sounds just like my DD@ExtraOnion

I think you should keep the healthy options whilst at home, which although not much, is better than nothing.

I don’t know… maybe your daughter needs education. Maybe she doesn’t realise the impact of drinking her calories and what that means for her weight gain?
I wouldn’t have known that at her age if I’m honest.
maybe she would appreciate guidance. You know your daughter best, of course.
weight can cause even more mental
health issues, so having her mother support her, might be welcomed. So I don’t agree with saying nothing, I think approaching the topic empathetically might be appreciated. If she can’t talk to you….

I agree with PP here .You are doing all the right things .She is an Adult and will be aware of her weight! She sounds kind and clever.Not a good idea to offer any sort of advice on dieting! Food is a comfort and she has a lot going on at Uni,her friend dying and so on.She will come through and I think realise herself.

When I was her age I went through terrible depression and anxiety and was on setraine too. I put on loads of weight. I'm not saying the medication caused my weight gain. I was simply comfort eating. It was the only pleasure I had and seemed to temporarily ease my anxiety. My parents said nothing. They didn't need to. I was well aware that I was fat and I needed to lose weight. I knew how to lose weight. It wasn't until I recovered from my mental illness that I took control of my health and lost weight.

I don't think you should say anything. Just support her. Early 20s is a really common time for mental health problems. Just drawing attention to her size won't help. You can't control what she consumes.

I'm now in my 40s and have been slim and mentally stable for 20 years.

I've been on Sertraline for 14 months and have gained a fair bit of weight. It's notorious for it.

It's also none of your business to comment on her weight.

If someone posted saying they were concerned their daughter was depressed, would you post saying "our son is 15 and has never had a mental health issue which I think is down to my parenting. It's ok to feel sad sometimes, but he's never depressed."

What a braggy, mean spirited response to OP. And bizarre too!

I feel passing off my worries as somehow interfering in "her business" misses the point. I have not commented. I just wanted some support in case what I have already done (nothing, just helped her find, and fund, counselling) is the wrong thing.

DH is also staying silent and being supportive and not interfering but we both want to do what is right so she can recover.

Whatever GPs say, anti-depressants can make you gain weight at a horrific rate. I gained half a stone in the first month of being on them, went to the GP and was told it was nonsense and I needed to eat less. I'd been the same weight my entire life, except, looking back, another period when I went on ADs and gained half a stone I never lost. Each time I went back on them, I gained half a stone that wouldn't budge. Eventually I came off them and have gradually lost the weight.

It's highly likely to be a combination of ADs causing slower metabolic rate and insatiable carb cravings. The only way past that is to have a very low carb diet as your normal regime and to do regular weight training or cardio - easier said than done when you are size 20 at 5'1 and zonked into sleepiness by medication.

You are right not to mention weight, I think. But you could talk about not staying on them long term, and building up self-care routines and alternative therapies to support her when she comes off them. These could include daily walks, strenuous physical exercise, things like gardening or dancing that are also quite physical.

She does understand about calories and beer. She has a good friend who gets pretty fat during term time and then loses weight ever holiday because he goes home where he doesn't drink.

Whether she remembers that in the moment where she is out with friends / drinking after work in the restaurant I don't know.

I do think beer / cider are a part of the problem. Not so much that she drinks every night. She does so maybe once a week.

Thank you.

I do wonder about if she needs some guidance on things she can do as well as / instead of the drugs.

Her routine is much better. She was very bad. Not leaving the house. Unwashed. Asleep or in bed most of the time.

But, she doesn't walk much and does no other exercise at all.

She is going back to one activity (playing music) slowly. She also writes a lot. But it might be good to encourage her to take up a form of dance / a martial art / team sport.

Will think about that. Is there a simple list of things in addition to exercise that will help?

imho, you lose no matter what you do. So I cannot say whether you "should" comment or not. Whatever happens is down to her mental illness, not your fault, regardless of whether you stay quiet or comment on the bleedin' obvious.

I suppose the right thing to do is whatever leads to more open communication between you.

DD developed an ED at Uni. Anorexia which is so very dangerous.
I suspected she had ED the summer before she confessed but I didn't comment to her about it.
We now talk about her ED but she's not getting better.
I sometimes wonder if I should have bluntly asked her about it, that summer. I will never know if that could have got her to recovery sooner. I fear that the longer she lives with anorexia, the harder it will be to ever get into recovery from it.

I HATE ignoring the elephant in the living room.
DD knows all this.
She wants me to play along with her when she says "I'm eating so much!"
Which is 1000% bullshit. I refuse to pretend to believe her.

Do you honestly think that 1) she doesn’t know exactly what her size is and 2) she doesn’t pick up on that really quite stinging undercurrent of judgement that - despite what you think about you all remaining neutral - will be seeping off all of you in waves every time she sees you.

just leave her alone.

I've been on antidepressants for a long time op, from about twenty to 33 (now). I've definitely gained weight on ad's but a lot of the time I had little appetite, and I've had three kids in that time.

I think it's great that she's getting up and out to her job, and studying,it's really commendable. I have agoraphobia and hearing that makes me so so happy for your daughter.

when I started antidepressants I was slim, but my dad's a bit bumbling and doesn't always know what to say around health issues. He took me to the supermarket and when we were there he reached into his pocket and said 'oh I saw this in the paper and thought it might help', and he'd torn out a newspaper segment that listed foods that helped anxiety and foods that didnt. The foods that helped were all healthy, as I said I wasn't overweight at the time, but just knowing that he was trying to help me in his own way really touched me. It might be worth mentioning just if it comes up that alcohol is a massive depressant and heightens anxiety, maybe just say you read something similar and does she suffer worse symtoms after drinking? I'm only saying this as I know how easily alcohol can be used as liquid courage when your feeling anxious and vulnerable.

it sounds like she's going on the right direction and you sound really supportive.

@Beelezebub We are not saying anything at all to her, and she doesn't know we are worried. All our interactions are very positive and we make no issue of food at all. I take her to the supermarket occasionally and pay for whatever is in her basket (usually very healthy foods). We went out last night and she chose and booked the restaurant and we talked about how much we had enjoyed her choice.

We are not tiny skinny things ourselves- both a bit middle aged spread prone.

We just want to do the right thing for her and not to put her recovery in jeopardy while also recognising that some of her issues with low mood might be linked to food / diet / weight etc.

I am self critical enough as it happens and we are very, very careful.

With my other hat, I am a secondary teacher so have many years of understanding issues with teenagers / young adults. But it is always so very hard to parent your own in the best way possible.