Tips to deal with this day to day? Feel drained!

[Breadyl]

Anything I suggest is met with a frown and a negative answer.

‘fancy going to the cinema later?’
frown
’could do. Yeah maybe, depends.’
’on what?’
’i just don’t know just now but maybe.’

this exchange applies to anything really. It means we rarely plan anything or go anywhere. If we do it’s very last minute and often after weeks of me suggesting it.

sometimes we will do these things only the day I suggest it, and there’s rarely a correlation between how he comes across and if we actually do it, but everything is draining.

it’s also the attitude im finding hard. I’m absolutely not a hugely positive person myself, but I am quite chatty and warm (when I want to be!) and try my best to take an interest and maintain a sense of humour.

im pregnant and don’t feel in a position to end things with him at the moment. I also want to try and make it work. I just don’t know how to deal with the constant misery. It’s always been like this to some extent but as he’s got older it’s worse.

I often snap at his responses and get upset/cross. I would like a better way of dealing with it. I’ve tried talking to him many times and he doesn’t change.

Oh and for context he’s earthing 120k and I also work. He’s got no reason to not do things financially

I had a 'D'H like this. Wasn't so bad when it was just us two as I'd go off without him etc.

However when the children came along it felt completely different. I watched them wait for him to get ready begrudgingly. Moping about while we were out. Taking them out by myself because he 'didn't feel like it'

So I got rid of him. Now the DC and I do what we want, when we want and everyone enjoys themselves.

I know that might not be an option for you (and it wasn't just that that made me end the relationship) but might be something for him to think about. Does he want to be like that around his child? Miss out on lovely days out or make his child feel like an inconvenience?

Has he always been like this or is it a new thing? If it's new Could it be anxiety related?

@TheSleeperandTheSpindle ive no idea. I’ve tried to discuss it and he gives a vaguely positive answer.

But it’s just the attitude I can’t stand. There appears to be no emotional intelligence as to how he comes across. If he can’t make the cinema/doesn’t want to go, just say it nicely, suggest another time etc.

I spoke to the midwife and she said I really need to focus on myself and to just put it out of my mind. I just wish I had a strategy to do this rather than getting cross or upset at his attitude.

@Eviebeans always been like this but I noticed it less like @TheSleeperandTheSpindle says as I was extremely busy myself so he sort of had to fit in with me too.

My partner is like this, one of the many reasons we're breaking up. My only suggestion is just do the things you want to do by yourself or with a friend but I know it isnt the same. To be honest in my relationship it got a lot worse when he'd basically checked out. And also got worse once we had DD, he literally just sits on the sofa now and waits to be told what to do. I think he's taken her out by himself maybe once or twice in 2 years unprompted by me. If I suggest a trip out its "yeah can do, I don't mind". I have to drag him out into the garden to play with her too. I think he is a bit depressed but he's also incredibly lazy. Is your DP lazy with other stuff like housework etc?

@BreakinbadBreakineven he’s quite proactive with housework or cooking. It’s the attitude I can’t cope with. Everything is met with negativity

honestly can’t remember him being enthusiastic about anything. I do plan things without him but he’s even miserable in texts, no real engagement or affection at all.

ive asked if he’s depressed and tried to talk about it with him but he doesn’t seem to accept such illnesses exist.

If you really can't leave, I think you need to absolutely take midwives advice. Turn the narrative round... Why do you need him to agree to do thing with you? Just do what you want to do..
I'd say "I'm off to the cinema tonight.. Going to see new xyz film...think I'll go for pizza after"
Don't ask him to come with you, don't leave his dinner in the fridge etc.... Just big smile and off you go.
It's clear he is a miserable git... He will only get worse... By building your own independence now you'll be in a better position when you do leave him.. Cus I'd take bets you will one day.
If he starts saying things like "oh I didn't know you were going to... Xyz" just breezily reply "I didn't bother asking you, you never want to come,"
It may make him wake up to himself

Have you actually told him how you feel ?

What does he do with his free time and is he enthusiastic about that? Any hobbies?

yes I’ve told him many times. He sometimes changes for a short time but that’s it

it makes me feel so rubbish. I wish I had a strategy for it rather than letting it get to me

@BreakinbadBreakineven he claims to have lots of interests; fishing, reading, languages etc. It’s true he doesn’t have much time outside work but he can’t even remember the last time he went fishing.

last time he met a friend for a drink was December. And that was because it was Christmas so lots was going on

Why are you having a child with him? He sounds emotionally draining. Is he looking forward to being a father?

You won't change him ... either leave or just detach yourself from him emotionally, do what you want to do on your own or with friends.

Honestly you have to engineer this situation out. Don't ask him if he wants to do stuff. Tell him what you are doing, he can come or not. You need to sort it because planning gets even more important when children are involved.

I'm going to cinema with Fred on Thursday, booking my tickets this evening. Let me know if you want to come.

Then go.

Ideally you'll line up a cooperative friend who understands the situation and is happy to plan knowing that occasionally you may need to cancel because he's stepped up.

After a few months of watching you going out and having a good time, he'll realise he needs to get more decisive!

If it's any comfort, mine can't do anything- not even a take away- unless it's been planned and trailed three weeks in advance. Equally infuriating.

@picklemewalnuts thank you. That is a comfort though it sounds frustrating for you too!

he’s just not very cheery. Doesn’t laugh easily.

it’s the daily negativity I am struggling with, I don’t want it to impact me and bring me down but it does.

DH and I had our only very rare fights about exactly this. We later learned he is autistic and having ideas spontaneously thrown at him makes him say No as a panic default.

Typical conversations used to go:

Me: Shall we get tickets for that gig?
DH: (Frown) No, no.
Me: Why? You love that band.
DH: We don't know what we'll be doing next August.
Me: If we book the tickets we'll know.
DH: I need to think about it.

Two months later. DH: You fancied seeing X didn;t you?
Me (grumpy): Sold out.

Same with holidays, cinema trips etc. In the end I had an absolutely blazing row with him in front of DC and told him I hated how his default was always No and actually all the things he'd most loved doing were things I'd had to bully him into agreeing to, and I hated being put in the role of bully when I was only trying to make life fun for us all.

To his credit he listened. It was very funny for a couple of years watching the word No get swallowed back and watching his rabbit in the headlights fear as he said yes to things. But now he not only says yes instantly, he books loads of things for us. It was well worth the blazing row.

If he is otherwise a loving dad and husband, explain why it is so frustrating and give him examples of outings he's really enjoyed that he was hesitant about. It's worth overcoming this, if in other ways he's great.

Rather than suggesting going out, I would TELL him you’re going and ask him if he is coming too. If he won’t give an answer I would go anyway, and be sure to let him know how good the film was after.
Its important you don’t miss out on things because of his attitude. If he realises what he’s missing it might cause him to act.

Just get on and do things without him. Tell him which viewing you are going to, get ready and leave on time. If he doesn't come with you, that tells you all you need to know.
Do not waste your life waiting for him to get off his bottom.

Why are you with him? I mean what is the good points besides his salary?

What would happen if you said ‘such and such a band are playing at the whatever venue next Saturday. I’m going to book a ticket for me. Shall I get one for you too?’

so that you’ve made the decision you’re going, there’s no pressure on him to come but you need an answer so that you can get him a ticket if he’s going to join you.

Some people really struggle with making decisions and feel even more pressured if their decision affects the other person too. If you’re going to go anyway it removes some of the pressure on him.

Say "I'm going to the cinema today and am leaving at 1.15pm if you'd like to come". And leave it at that. Go out when you say you will. Basically do it all without him and see if he changes.

"I'm pregnant and don’t feel in a position to end things with him at the moment. I also want to try and make it work. I just don’t know how to deal with the constant misery. It’s always been like this to some extent but as he’s got older it’s worse".

He's always been like this unsurprisingly; did you really think he was going to change once he became a parent?. Now that he will become one, he is the same as he always was and such men really do not change. This is who he really is; a fun sponge of a man who will continue to drag you - and your child -down with him if you choose to stay with him.

Ask yourself why you want to try and make it work (for your child's sake now?); you cannot make this work on your own. He has to want to do his bit too and he clearly is not bothered about that. You could just end up going out on your own and feeling ever more resentful of him. It may also get to a point where you feel you cannot be bothered to go out by yourself because you cannot trust him to take care of his kid properly. I would use your time here to plan your exit from this miserable sounding relationship.

Do not give this child his surname but YOUR surname going forward. Do not hand over that one bit of power you have to him.

OP, please try to work this through with him before walking out on him in pregnancy.

There's a weird, casual habit on MN to suggest all marriages should be instantly dissolved if the man is anything other than Stepford-perfect. Real humans, real relationships are compromises. Healthy, happy ones are compromises. Try and discuss with him why he is so resistant. Maybe he is someone who needs more warning, less spontaneity. So book tickets for cinema next Saturday and put it in the diary, etc. or maybe he is stressed and something on his mind is crowding out his decision-making skills. That's common. Just talk to him and ignore the histrionic suggestions that you leave him over this.

@burnoutbabe i have my own money thanks

I totally agree with the idea of just going because that's what I used to do.

However once DC were old enough to realise they would ask "where is Daddy?" "Isn't Daddy coming?" etc and they were hurt/disappointed that we just left without him. I ended up making excuses saying he had to work rather than just saying we'd gone without him.

Or he would come along but have a face like a smacked arse and I would find myself in Cbeebies mode trying to make things enjoyable for DC.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how this plays out once DC comes along.

I also don't buy into me having to run around planning everything while he sits on his arse and waits for me to tell him what's going on. Maybe that's why I'm single now 😂