Tips to deal with this day to day? Feel drained!

[Breadyl]

Anything I suggest is met with a frown and a negative answer.

‘fancy going to the cinema later?’
frown
’could do. Yeah maybe, depends.’
’on what?’
’i just don’t know just now but maybe.’

this exchange applies to anything really. It means we rarely plan anything or go anywhere. If we do it’s very last minute and often after weeks of me suggesting it.

sometimes we will do these things only the day I suggest it, and there’s rarely a correlation between how he comes across and if we actually do it, but everything is draining.

it’s also the attitude im finding hard. I’m absolutely not a hugely positive person myself, but I am quite chatty and warm (when I want to be!) and try my best to take an interest and maintain a sense of humour.

im pregnant and don’t feel in a position to end things with him at the moment. I also want to try and make it work. I just don’t know how to deal with the constant misery. It’s always been like this to some extent but as he’s got older it’s worse.

I often snap at his responses and get upset/cross. I would like a better way of dealing with it. I’ve tried talking to him many times and he doesn’t change.

@Shakeupandwakeup thanks, the conversation does sound similar ‘I don’t know what I’m doing in august.’ It’s so draining and we miss out all the time.

how did you find out he was autistic? Are the DC?

I want to try but I am also wary now. @AttilaTheMeerkat i have some of my own security, a little, like a home and my own job etc.

fed up.

@TheSleeperandTheSpindle I have mentioned this to him and he just doesn’t say much. I just don’t understand him at all. Part of me wonders if it’s better we are not together so there’s no obvious difference down the line if he dips in and out and he can be a misery himself then without me involved!

I just honestly can’t understand his attitude.

I think you need a reframe though- you can choose not to let his negativity affect you. It does at the moment, because you have an expectation that you will enjoy doing things together, planning and looking forward to things together. When that doesn't happen, it brings you down.

If you get rid of that expectation, him not playing along with it won't bother you.

Accept that he'd a doom merchant, acknowledge it, make a joke of it even- 'I'd love to see that Marvel film at the cinema! Obviously you're a joy sponge and can't possibly agree to go with me, so I'll go with Sarah, shall I?!'

It takes all the sting out of it, when you expect it and are not disappointed.

I have to say there comes a time when you wonder why you married if romantic togetherness isn't what it's about, but that sort of resolves in time.

Do you suspect autistic traits, Breadyl? We think my DH is.

A short term strategy but it’s a strategy- only suggest stuff you want to do, concentrate for a month on suggesting stuff you are ok to do alone and if you can pick a few a friend would do with you (if you can, get a friend on board)
so for example (my egs will be very much things I like) I’ve been dying to get to that bookshop, want to go? <him:negative maybe> you:right you don’t sound keen,I’ll just go tonight no worries.
new restaurant x looks amazing, want to go this week? <him:negative maybe> you:don’t worry about it, I thought you’d like the food but Sally will go with me (& book with Sally for that week)
i really feel like a walk along the river, do you want to do that Saturday afternoon? <him:negative maybe> you: no worries I’ll just go, I might ask Bob and Jess if they are around. I have to get some exercise in while I can.
This serves two purposes- he sees that your life continues without him and that he will just miss out if he can’t summon up some enthusiasm, and gives you a lot of clear evidence to tell him he can’t continue like this.

I should add, don’t make sure you’ve cooked dinner for him first or anything like that, just go out. Don’t be weighed down by needing to baby an adult man. Doesn’t sound like that’s a big problem with you guys but worth mentioning.

If you want to stay with him you need to do things on your own or with others. But I can see you back on here in a years time saying the same thing, but with a baby that has his surname and with him wanting 50% .

Ask yourself why you want to try. Haven't you tried enough already?. You've had conversations about this aspect of his behaviour and the end result i.e. he still does nothing is still the same. If he won't budge then you are fighting a losing battle here. Trying the same expecting a different result is an exercise in futility as well as a waste of time. I would also think you have become far less positive as a person; such behaviour from another person is truly life draining.

If he does not believe in depression then I doubt very much that any conversation about ASD with him will be helpful. Bear this in mind rather than potentially jumping to conclusions as to why he behaves as he does.
He does this because he can, he has learnt that this from him works for him and in turn you've let him treat you like this.

And please for the love of all that is good here, give this child your surname rather than his.

The one memory that's really crystal clear from childhood is the days out to the seaside with my parents, and the fact my Dad didn't want to be there. Even at a young age I remember watching other dads playing with their children and my dad sat on a chair with a face like thunder drinking coffee

Have a serious think about what environment you want your child to grow up in. It will be a lot harder to split when the baby arrives

I also suspect my ex is on the spectrum. He's so black and white about everything, can't or won't compromise, thinks things have to be either my way or his way. I do less of the things I enjoy because I don't want to do them alone or with friends because it just reminds me that he doesn't want to enjoy things with me and usually it'll be me tagging along with a couple, then explaining ex doesn't want to come which they then think is odd. Also as Attila says, I don't trust him with DD alone because he's so lazy and doesn't respond to her needs so unless we all go out or I take her by myself I'm stuck. I'm sorry to say this will probably get worse when he's also sleep deprived and struggling with the adjustment to parenthood. I also tried many times to gee my ex up and he would do a week of faux enthusiasm then back to normal. I really think some people are just like this and you can't change them.

Do my own thing mainly I watch my stuff after nine o’clock. I not interested now with nights out with him.

My dad never did anything with us as a family - me particularly, I was the youngest of three and my then he had checked out of family life. It didn’t do me any good then or when forming my own relationships so I ended up inflicting the same childhood on my own children which is my single biggest regret in life.

My OH is very much a 'glass half empty' character, I'm the opposite. Some time ago I got completely sick of his moaning and negativity, and decided that at the first hint of a whinge I would not have any further conversation on that topic.
So, shall we go a walk today?
Well no it's forecast it might rain
OK then, see you later.
First answer accepted, no discussion
The penny dropped eventually that I just wouldn't respond in any way and that if he wanted a misery fest, he had to find someone else to moan to. He's a more positive person now, at least around me!

Are you married / or living together?

He’s off on one again about a book he wants it’s not arrived yet we’ll have moaning now till it arrives. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I just go year year ignore repeat..

This reminds me of my ex who was the complete opposite and would take any idea of mine with enthusiasm and then transform it beyond recognition into something completely exhausting.

Me: "let's take kids to park and an ice cream"

Him: "yeah! Ok, but how about if we drive to and take a picnic (which I'd have to make), then we can call on on the way back, and hold on let me call and ask if they want to come too."

Cue endless faffing and juggling of timings to ensure everyone can be involved with new lengthy, expensive day trip where he will most likely say, when I am my knees with exhaustion and desperate to get home 'your turn to drive isn't it Wolf...let's stop at on the way back so we can have a couple of beers, make a proper day of it yeah?"

maybe he isn’t interested. I would not be interested in those suggestions.

however I’m not miserable. If he is genuinely miserable then he’s either depressed, hates his job or quite possibly his life. I’d be keen to get to the bottom of which one it is

Op, I completely understand why you don't feel in a position to leave, and want to make it work. My mum did the same and we had the gloomiest childhood imaginable. Don't inflict that on your child, it isn't healthy. At least get on and do stuff with your friends and your baby.

I'm so determined not to put up with someone sucking all the joy out of life, I've been single for 5 years now. It's great, we have a happy cheerful home life with no-one dragging us down.

Try, hand me your card I'm booking us some stuff to do before life passes us by.

As we came out of lockdown I did this all I got from the Mr was "book what you like and I'll go"

Can you not frame it that all he has to do is go. My Mr hates sorting stuff out, not entirely but he says I am the ideas one and find great things to go to, I do the research which really doesn't take long. And he gets all the benefits. I know some say he should be proactive but I don't mind doing the research and booking. So perhaps try this approach. It might work.

maybe he is stressed and something on his mind is crowding out his decision-making skills. That's common

Only you know what's he like but this could be a factor. Sometimes partners energy/headspace doesn't match and one partner needs additional processing time.

In the cinema example, why not book 2 tickets and tell him he's welcome to come. As others say, try for a month.

However if he has checked out or acts passive aggressively (frustrating the things you want to do) then you have a much bigger issue that isn't usually fixed.

Does he like a drink, op?

When my drinking was at the point where I was intoxicated almost all the time, but while people around me were still unaware how much I was drinking, I was incredibly negative and reluctant to do anything - because it would cut into valuable drinking time, and if it involved driving then I'd have to "waste" the entire day staying sober, plus cut off early the night before, so I'd be under the limit.

I may be way off base and he's just one of life's miserable buggers.

Crikey this thread makes it so clear why in later life women are happier single