The girlfriend and the best friend

[Curzy]

My best friend is male; I am female. We have been best friends for just over 10 years having originally met at university.

He has recently (2 months ago) started dating someone new who is uncomfortable with us going on holidays together. As a result he effectively provided an ultimatum that she would have to come on the trip (this would have entailed moving the dates of the trip as well and therefore paying a fee to move the flights) or he would cancel (the trip was a long weekend in a European country). I have never met his girlfriend (she lives abroad). There is an enormous difference I think between a trip where everyone on it is a friend and a trip where you have to play third wheel to a couple. That aside, I have severe anxiety and I know I would not do well on a holiday, albeit a short one, with someone I don't know at all. I therefore said that I would prefer that he cancel than move the dates and bring his girlfriend.

I obviously want my friend to be happy and I don't want to damage his new relationship. However all of this raises some more fundamental issues for me about our friendship. Holidaying together seems to me a natural thing to do with a friend: I also often go on holidays with other friends and I very often go with just one other person because of difficulties coordinating a larger group to be free at the same time and also because I actually prefer 1:1 interactions to larger groups anyway.

From my perspective, I feel that my supposed best friend has handled things pretty badly. He hasn't managed to get his girlfriend's trust; he has completely disregarded my feelings; he has put me in a position of making a choice he would have known was impossible for me, particularly because I haven't met her, and he apparently doesn't care enough about our friendship to put down any redlines for his girlfriend about not dictating what he can do and how he can spend his time.

I feel very strongly that it is wrong to treat someone differently because of their gender and it seems to me that his girlfriend is not uncomfortable with him holidaying with a friend but specifically uncomfortable because I am female. It also seems to me that this could be only the tip of the iceberg in terms of things she will eventually not allow him to do with me and if he is unable to put a line down somewhere it is, I think, ultimately impossible to maintain a friendship with someone you can't ever spend time with.

The questions are:

1. am I being unreasonable - if your best friend did this to you, would you be rethinking whether this person cared about your friendship or would you just think it was completely natural that they no longer wanted to go with you?
2. do you guys have any constructive ideas about what I should/could do going forward if I want to maintain this friendship and not just allow it to slowly fade away?

Thanks for taking the time to read this :)

He's got a girlfriend now. You need to adjust.

He's ditching you & a BOOKED holiday for a g/f he has known for ALL OF 2 MONTHS?

That is pisspoor behaviour.

At 2 months, he's still only in the dating stage, surely?
So YANBU for this -
From my perspective, I feel that my supposed best friend has handled things pretty badly. He hasn't managed to get his girlfriend's trust; he has completely disregarded my feelings; he has put me in a position of making a choice he would have known was impossible for me, particularly because I haven't met her, and he apparently doesn't care enough about our friendship to put down any redlines for his girlfriend about not dictating what he can do and how he can spend his time.

He should have prepared his new squeeze a lot better. How bloody hard is it? "My platonic mate & I have a holiday booked, it is happening on X date, & I want to give you the heads-up in plenty of time so you can meet her & not worry that this old friend is anything but a friend."

This must have felt like such a rude shock Curzy.
Not much advice to offer, because even if you work out some kind of acceptable compromise or understanding, you'll always know he dumped a 10 years-long pal for a brand new shag. Very disappointing.

I suppose all you can do is cancel, book yourself something else to keep your spirits up, & keep an eye on him for any hints of possessiveness/control from his g/f. That's what you'd do if your woman friend dumped you for a brand new man she'd been dating for 8 weeks, isn't it?

I do hope you can talk this out with him. Obviously - this trip's wrecked now, but you may be able to come to some acceptable compromise for future meetings/trips. The brass fucking neck of him - to try & impose this stranger on your AGREED & BOOKED holiday, & turn you into the third wheel!

Your friendship will fade away I’m afraid. Because he doesn’t care that much about you.

Sorry I know that’s hard to hear. But he’s shown you how he feels about you and the value he places on your friendship.

Yes because heterosexual monogamous love trumps all other love, that between friends or family members, no matter how close you are or how recent the relationship is. It must be elevated and preserved at all cost.

Having a girlfriend doesn't mean he has to drop his friends.

OP you're friend is quite frankly a shit friend. He's clearly not as invested in your friendship as you are.

My best friend is male. Before he met his wife he had a previous girlfriend who was always dubious of his best friend (me) being female, but it didn't change his behaviour towards me, it just caused arguments between them.

Now he's been married for about 6 years, I've been married to my DH 12 years, but our friendship remains the same. We still do a city weekend trip together every year just the 2 of us. My DH and his DW both understand our friendship is platonic and don't mind at all.

If your friend's new GF doesn't trust him then it's for him to decide what is more important to him. At the moment he's showing you the answer but unfortunately it's not the answer you want to hear. He's being a very shit friend.

Romantic relationships change things. Thats life. He has a girlfriend and is excited about her. He'll want to spend more time with her than with you.

Youre thinking about all the things you'll no longer be able to do with him. You could complain to him about that but likely wont come across well.

I doubt he'll drop you as a friend but you'll have to adjust your expectations regarding spending time with him as his girlfriend is in the picture now so he'll quite rightly make time for her too.

Girlfriend of two months?! He’s a duff mate isn’t he? If he’s happy to let her dictate his life after two months, he’s desperate and you don’t matter.

Oooh make way for THE GIRLFRIEND.

<curtsies to the floor>

You’re acting like you should be his #1 priority. It looks like he’s serious about this woman, he may marry her or have a long term intimate relationship with her, and has accordingly put her first. So she is his #1 priority.

Having that kind of relationship, she may become his best friend as well as intimate partner.

That’s all. You should respect his relationship and if you’re really his friend, you will be happy for him and welcoming to her.

It may be best for you to exit the scene if you’re going to cause trouble and drive a wedge.

I don't think many women would be comfortable with their boyfriend going on a 1:1 holiday with another woman. He's tried to find a compromise but that doesn't work for you. I'd find another mater to go on holiday with.

You aren’t his number 1 priority. I wouldn’t be happy with my boyfriend going away with another woman best friend or not . He tried offering a solution that you wouldn’t take. You need to find someone else to holiday with of you don’t want her there.

She is a new girlfriend, he really fancies her, he is in lust. His girlfriend has a new boyfriend, she really fancies him, she is in lust.
At the moment they probably only want to spend any spare time with each other. Yes, it is crap for friends, particularly for best friends of the enamoured friend.

Unfortunately a great many people behave like that when they are "in lust". I probably did when I was younger. It is crap behaviour, but very common - probably because their bodies are wanting to reproduce so it ups the passion, even if the individuals are not aware of what is really going on. There are various ways their relationship could eventually go, one being that it could fizzle out not long after it has started.

If their "inlustness' turns into a proper, long term relationship, then they should come out of their 'bubble' eventually, but who knows how long that will take? If you are willing to wait it out while getting on with your life, he will probably be either back talking to you quite soon because the intensity of their relationship was only based on sex, so it didn't last long, or longer term he may want to introduce you to his girlfriend, and hopefully you can all become friends.

But if she does turn out to be the one for him, then she will probably become his best friend, and in a best case scenario you will become a good, but old friend. You will probably never get back to the relationship you had with him before his "in lust" turned to "in love".

Only you can decide how you would feel about that, and if you think it would make you feel miserable, and resentful of either of them, then I think you should start trying to disengage your feelings for him sooner, rather than later. Whatever you decide to do, please carry on with your life for now as if he is not your best friend, and that you are not missing out on anything. Go live your life and have fun, and if you do care for him as a best friend, hope that he lives his life and has fun too (and doesn't get his heart broken).

Dynamics change when a girlfriend or boyfriend appears on the scene. You prefer 1to1 interactions, some girlfriends don't want their blokes going off for 1to1 interactions with women who aren't them and some boyfriends would struggle as well. He tried to compromise, it wasn't acceptable to you. I don't blame you like, I wouldn't want to be around a fresh in lust couple either.

i actually think u sound a bit possessive OP although I can understand you’re disappointed. Is it really that common for male/female platonic friends to go away for a city break alone??
do u have a partner? I can’t imagine any bloke ever being ok with his gf/wife taking a city break with just one other dude!

You want everything to stay the same because that suits you.

Things HAVE changed.

If you want a relationship with him, include the girlfriend. If you try to exclude her, you are destroying the existing friendship yourself.

Thing is in the early days they are probably wanting to be all over each other so it's probably best you cancelled. Tbh I think he is telling you your friendship isn't as important to him any more.

I get what you’re saying here, however, he’s the meat in the sandwich, appeasing you both is pretty neigh impossible. Platonic friendship vs the excitement a new romance, I fear your longstanding friendship may suffer. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt, he’s made his decision, maybe perhaps, not be as readily available in future!

There are some bizarre responses here, in my opinion. I've always gone on city breaks with friends...mostly 1.1. I would be furious if one suggested bringing their partner/a stranger along, and making it an ultimatum. This person is not a good friend, and clearly has no backbone to say to the person they just started dating " of course you can't come, it is already arranged"

Because he has decided he wants to spend time with girlfriend over friend. So he doesn't need a backbone, he's getting what he wants.

I don't blame you for not wanting to play gooseberry but I don't blame her or him for wanting the other one to also be there.

It's normal when someone starts dating someone that they have less time for their friends and that 1 to 1 time tends to become less.

I don't understand why you find that hard to understand?

Do you really consider him just a mate? Because I'm usually happy when one of my friends is happy in a relationship and as a friend understand that they don't have the same time as when single.

Also she lives abroad so the time they spend together must be limited.

What are the sleeping arrangements on these weekend breaks?

He’s being respectful of his girlfriend. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend going off on holiday with another woman and I can see why she’d be a bit weird about it. He’s also in the first flush of a new relationship and is likely shagging his head off.

It's shitty behaviour for him to do this and actually he's setting a really poor precedent if they are together long term. He's told her that even really early in the relationship he'll ditch his mates for her and give in to her fears and jealousy about you OP.

That doesn't bode well if they stay together. He'd be much better trying to be reassuring whilst being clear you've been friends for a long time and that isn't going to change.

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. The genders are irrelevant. If my new partner demanded I either allow them on a holiday with a friend or I would be forced to cancel it, they would be straight out of the door. It's controlling behaviour and sets an appalling precedent for the rest of the relationship. The friend in this case being a man doesn't change anything.

It is normal for some people to be wary of close opposite sex friendships and if this was a hypothetical trip I'd say fair enough. However this is a booked and paid for trip.
I would give him an ultimatum back -

1 you and he go on the trip
2 he cancels the trip and refunds your losses for cancelling (unless you can get refunds from the break yourself)

This is not your decision to make he's the one trying to renege on plans, he should not be giving you responsibility for his choices. I do feel he is treating you poorly in this and for me it would be a consideration of how good a friend he is.