The girlfriend and the best friend

[Curzy]

My best friend is male; I am female. We have been best friends for just over 10 years having originally met at university.

He has recently (2 months ago) started dating someone new who is uncomfortable with us going on holidays together. As a result he effectively provided an ultimatum that she would have to come on the trip (this would have entailed moving the dates of the trip as well and therefore paying a fee to move the flights) or he would cancel (the trip was a long weekend in a European country). I have never met his girlfriend (she lives abroad). There is an enormous difference I think between a trip where everyone on it is a friend and a trip where you have to play third wheel to a couple. That aside, I have severe anxiety and I know I would not do well on a holiday, albeit a short one, with someone I don't know at all. I therefore said that I would prefer that he cancel than move the dates and bring his girlfriend.

I obviously want my friend to be happy and I don't want to damage his new relationship. However all of this raises some more fundamental issues for me about our friendship. Holidaying together seems to me a natural thing to do with a friend: I also often go on holidays with other friends and I very often go with just one other person because of difficulties coordinating a larger group to be free at the same time and also because I actually prefer 1:1 interactions to larger groups anyway.

From my perspective, I feel that my supposed best friend has handled things pretty badly. He hasn't managed to get his girlfriend's trust; he has completely disregarded my feelings; he has put me in a position of making a choice he would have known was impossible for me, particularly because I haven't met her, and he apparently doesn't care enough about our friendship to put down any redlines for his girlfriend about not dictating what he can do and how he can spend his time.

I feel very strongly that it is wrong to treat someone differently because of their gender and it seems to me that his girlfriend is not uncomfortable with him holidaying with a friend but specifically uncomfortable because I am female. It also seems to me that this could be only the tip of the iceberg in terms of things she will eventually not allow him to do with me and if he is unable to put a line down somewhere it is, I think, ultimately impossible to maintain a friendship with someone you can't ever spend time with.

The questions are:

1. am I being unreasonable - if your best friend did this to you, would you be rethinking whether this person cared about your friendship or would you just think it was completely natural that they no longer wanted to go with you?
2. do you guys have any constructive ideas about what I should/could do going forward if I want to maintain this friendship and not just allow it to slowly fade away?

Thanks for taking the time to read this :)

You want everything to stay the same because that suits you.

Blimey. Bit of a reach @Beanie567
Far as I can see, OP wants HER HOLIDAY to stay the same.
The one she planned, arranged, & booked with her mate.

PP are responding as if the word "girlfriend" (new shag of 2 months) creates a Royal Exclusion Zone that all other friends have to tiptoe around. I bet the PP responding like this are the types to let their women friends down every time they get a new man on the scene.

How prurient.

He's being disresepctful to his good friend of 10 years.

I wouldn't want my boyfriend to be the sort of guy who dumped his friend & their plans because he was prioritising getting his leg over a new bird.

I mean, eventually relationships with partners become more important than friendships. Priorities change. But not after just 2 months. At 2 months, you should still be getting to know them and looking for red flags. The response to jealousy, paranoia and insecurity after just 2 months should not be surrendering. I'm guessing your friend has some issues of his own. Desperation?

Someone he's known for eight weeks!!!!

I had a holiday booked with my best friend when we were 21. She met her boyfriend two months before we were due to go away. He tried to get her to cancel it on the grounds that I'd be looking for a bloke while away as I was single. Thankfully she refused. Early red flag. He turned out to be sexually coercive and she dumped him 18 months later when he beat her up for saying hello to a man in a club who was simply a friend of her brother.

Even if you were both male (or both female), to ditch for a new girlfriend (or boyfriend) of 8 weeks seems unreasonable.

There are many people who never believe a friendship between a man and a woman can be anything other than a relationship, except perhaps two work colleagues, so the response from the new girlfriend is not a surprise to me.

I mean, eventually relationships with partners become more important than friendships.

Do they?
As important, I grant you.If they go long term, & are functional.
But more?

I couldn't survive without my close friends.
A new squeeze of 8 weeks? meh - I'd get over that in a weekend.

To be honest if I got into a new relationship I'd be explaining that most my friends are male and therefore some of the time I'll be hanging out alone with them. If potential partner couldn't deal, I'd just assume they weren't right for me.

DH has known me ages and I've always had more male friends - I wouldn't stop them to appease someone otherwise I'm changing who I am at core level.

I'd try my best to compromise in certain situations but ultimately that's how it's always been, he's known the score from day 1.

So in a new relationship yeah I'd tell them how my friendships are. Likewise if anything they didn't didn't sit well with me I'd have to either deal or move on.

OP, I have been through similar. My best friend is a man from childhood, we've know each other for 17 years. When he first got together with his partner I could feel him drifting away and didn't handle it very well.

I ended up meeting her and we went on several trips together with mutual friends. She accepted me as part of the deal.

But recently, my friend and I had a short trip booked and the gf did everything she could to sabotage it. Why, after years of getting along? They are going through a rough patch so maybe that's why. But like your friend, my friend didn't handle it well and I told him I expect better treatment from friends. He got the message.

I wouldn't want to go on the trip with them. Especially as you're being held over a barrel. It would surely make the whole trip feel a bit weird? In this scenario I'm honestly not sure if id cancel or go anyway. He has put you in a crap situation.

Yes YABU.

He is now in a romantic relationship and it’s only natural that she takes his priority. If you still want to continue your friendship, you will both have to find a compromise where she does not feel uncomfortable. That’s just the reality of it.

Goodluck.

I'd ask him 'so are you saying you're never coming away with just me, because as you'll appreciate have no interest in going away with two people in a relationship.'

Make him say it

Were they friends before?

This will always happen eventually. Make female friends.

There is nothing wrong with not being ok with it and you were offered a compromise.

Personally I would hate to be at the centre of someone else's relationship woes and would consider that a bigger deal than the holiday. It's two days. I wouldn't appreciate someone who hasn't yet gained my trust laying down 'red lines' either. You've done a poor job of getting this off on the right foot. They could marry and you've already said if she's on a holiday you're not going. Grow up.

To be honest if I got into a new relationship I'd be explaining that most my friends are male and therefore some of the time I'll be hanging out alone with them. If potential partner couldn't deal, I'd just assume they weren't right for me.

DH has known me ages and I've always had more male friends - I wouldn't stop them to appease someone otherwise I'm changing who I am at core level.

I'd try my best to compromise in certain situations but ultimately that's how it's always been, he's known the score from day 1.

So in a new relationship yeah I'd tell them how my friendships are. Likewise if anything they didn't didn't sit well with me I'd have to either deal or move on.

I think 2 months is a bit soon for this kind of thing, they must have committed very soon as this would be odd behaviour in a relationship that was just starting out and not very committed yet.

But I think you also need to be prepared to adjust a bit - I don't think it's essential to holiday with friends, it's obviously something you do a lot but it's not something I've done much of. You can still have a friendship meeting up for the day in your own country etc. I can see why a GF might be more uncomfortable with a whole holiday with a female friend vs meeting up for coffee type socialising, so I think you're jumping to conclusions assuming you'll never be able to do anything with him. It might turn out that way but it might not. I'd wait and see.

Love this ❤ 😍

I thought same, although I didn't mentally use the word purulent.
Buy what a brilliant word. You've inspired me yo use it more in every day parlance, @KettrickenSmiled

Wow. Another one who ditches her good friends as soon as she gets a sniff of a man ...

Or did you miss the bit where he fucked up OP's already-booked holiday?

When somebody reneges on their agreement with you, then offers you an alternative that you would hate, it is not called a "compromise".

It's called being a selfish, disloyal twat.

How can you assume she's someone who ditches friends @KettrickenSmiled

The friend is in that first stage of lust in a relationship and wants to include his gf in plans. That's not ditching his mate.

Now calling someone a GF after 2 months is a bit quick, but he's done it, that's how he sees his GF and why wouldn't he want his best friend and GF to meet. They don't live in the same country so of course a mini break, that could be moved, seems like a good idea. I do think he should be paying the extra for moving it.

The GF hasn't told the OPs friend he can't have friends or that he can't see the OP. Not sure why the automatic negative assumption about being a third wheel comes from either. I'd be really excited to meet my best friends new partner, I wouldn't be being a negative nancy. Not sure why the OP is acting like one or why you are!

Glad to have given you cause to come back at me with the delightful word "parlance" @Rogue1001MNer 😎

Yes? Doesn't matter how amazing your friends are, you don't ditch your wife at home to go on a jolly abroad without her blessing, for example. That's how you end up single. Most people don't tolerate being treated as second best in their relationships.

The GF hasn't told the OPs friend he can't have friends or that he can't see the OP.
You don't know what she's said, or has not said.

I'd be really excited to meet my best friends new partner, I wouldn't be being a negative nancy.
That's nice for you, you are clearly more extrovert than others & don't mind having your booked holiday date changed without consultation, & paying an extra fee to do that while being told that you have to accept the decision of the trip won't happen.

btw - she's not a new partner. They've been dating for 6 weeks, & live in separate countries.

Not sure why the OP is acting like one or why you are!
Maybe if you read her posts you can work it out?
It might tale a little imagination, but what helps is remembering that other people are not you, & it is desperately rude to simply invite another person to an existing arrangement on a unilateral whim, with no consultation.

This is why male female “best” friendships don’t work, they are usually one sided or complicated in some way and difficult to make work once someone has a partner (because they are most likely formed when you are both single, which is telling in itself).

It’s understandable that you don’t want to be a third wheel on a couples holiday or change the holiday dates.

It’s a bit desperate of him to cancel this plan with you after only 2 months of dating.

I wouldn’t take it personally, but I would adjust your expectations of this friendship now and just treat him as a good friend and understand the 1:1 hols are probably over for now.

And in awe of how elegantly you overlooked my fecking autocorrect

Will stop derailing thread now 🤐

The friend is in that first stage of lust in a relationship and wants to include his gf in plans. That's not ditching his mate.

In what universe is unilaterally demanding she either cancel the planned holiday or play third wheel to someone she doesn't know, who he's only been with for 60 days, "not ditching his mate"?!