What are your experiences of “love bombing”?

[FlissyPaps]

Thinking about a previous brief fling/situationship and how I was more than likely “love bombed” by a narc.

Did any of you experience this? If so, how and when did you realise?

Love Bombing: an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.

Not me, but a friend. Met a bloke who said he was going through a divorce. Her house needed quite a bit of work on it ( downsized after her divorce) He kept just “ popping round” to do odd jobs. She went away on a hen weekend, came home to find he’d re-fenced her whole garden. She thought it a bit odd but later found he was still married and the woman in a nearby house worked with his wife. The new fence was so he couldn’t be seen going into her house.

Happened too me (6 years ago), he pushed his way into my life from the off, met him online, he kept messaging begging to meet me, he was pretty full in from the start, within a few weeks he had moved himself into my house. He bought me flowers, treated me like a princess and told me what I wanted to hear. After 6 months things changed, he started making out I had said things that I hadn’t , he developed a slight temper which he always blamed on how I was behaving, he started to control me without me even noticing. It’s only now that I look back and can see how stupid I was. It lasted a year until I had enough, he then continued to harass me and I had to get an injunction out against him. I have been single ever since, I no longer trust my own judgement.

Yep, constant presents, flowers, insisting on paying for everything, constant texts, album CDs if i liked a song, re-carpeting my hall as a surprise (when i was at work).. then came the 'I've never met anyone like you', 'I would've asked you out on a date earlier, but thought you were out of my league' bullshit...
All possibly plausible at the time, but the absolute clincher that made me think 'come off it', was he turned up at my house one lunchtime, because he couldnt concentrate at work - apparently he kept seeing my face..
How the fuck did my face appear in planks of wood or brickwork?

What is the difference between love bombing vs falling in love and then falling out of love?
Maybe gestures of affection weren't reciprocated and the person became resenful instead? Or something else has changed with time?

How could you possibly distinguish that?

He pushed his way into my life from the off, he kept messaging begging to meet me, he treated me like a princess and told me what I wanted to hear. After 6 months things changed, he started making out I had said things that I hadn’t , he developed a slight temper which he always blamed on how I was behaving, he started to control me without me even noticing.

This was my experience of love bombing too. It is very different from someone just falling in love and out again. It is a form of control. I think until you have experienced it it is hard to explain.

Apart from the injunction the same thing happened to me.

The main characteristic of the love bombers I've met (both men and women) is that they consistently told me what they thought I wanted to hear. They like what you like, they echo your views.

It's very full on, and some of them are so deep in the deception that they almost believe their own bullshit.

Theyre also good at spotting people who have something that makes them more vulnerable to that kind of love bombing.

They target victims who are less able to realise that this kind of over-affectionate, over-sharing behaviour is not good.

I had a very intense online / phone call relationship. It was at the start of the first lockdown and we only ever met once in real life. He just kept talking at me, telling me how much he loved me. Sharing everything, said he'd never had a girl friend he could open up to like me. It was a mad time, intensely sexual.

After a bit though I started to notice things about him were I strongly disagreed with, thought it telling that he planned taking me back to the EU country where he had spent much time but would not introduce me to many of his friends. I knew that was because I wouldn't like them or their attitudes. So, I chucked him. He sucked me back in once but in the end I managed to do it properly and blocked him everywhere. Thank goodness I did as his problems turned out to be cancer and I hear through the grapevine he's not doing very well. I doubt I could have chucked him whilst undergoing chemo and surgery.

So interesting to read others experiences. Thanks for sharing.

How the fuck did my face appear in planks of wood or brickwork?

Sorry @Jellykat but this really made me laugh😂

It’s quite worrying how common it is, to be love bombed, sucked in, to “fall for it”.

Personally, I believe 2 people falling in and out of love - happens naturally. When first meeting, there’s an initial attraction on either side, both parties have similar interests, views, & if they haven’t and have totally opposite interests then the other person can accept and admire that.

A natural and healthy relationship then develops over time. Obviously no relationship is perfect, but in a healthy relationship there is no control, questions, paranoia.

Falling out of love, as sad as it is, is also a natural thing. Different wants and needs. One may want to start a family, the other may not. One may have desires to sell up and travel, the other may want to purchase a forever home.

Now, with love bombing. One party will come on very strong in the beginning. Lots of “I love yous”, “You’re so perfect” after a couple of dates. Lots of presents, talks about a “perfect” future. Planning holidays etc, Which IMO, isn’t natural or normal after a few dates. You don’t truly know a person in a short space of time.

The receiver usually “falls for” the bomber and his/her words. The receiver creates a sort of “fantasy” about the bomber. Believing they’re the most amazing, kind, perfect person. Like a PP said, the receiver is usually in a more vulnerable position. (Previous heartbreak, low self esteem, poor mental health, struggling financially, lonely etc..).

Then when the receiver is “sucked in” by the bombers words, compliments, promises, hopes, dreams and “perfect life” .. is time for the negatives to arrive.

The bomber suddenly changes. Hot and cold. Split personality. Not replying to texts. Not answering calls. The receiver gets suspicious. Paranoia starts. “What are they doing”? “Who are they talking to?” “Where are they”?

Reality comes crashing down. The bomber isn’t who they say they are. Their actions speaking louder than their words. They are usually manipulative, controlling, the complete opposite of who they were when we first met them. Lots of scenarios. Ghosting. Cheating. Double life. They wrap you round their finger and once they have you, they can easily flick you away, flick you onto the kerb.

Afterwards, we think “How did I fall for that?” “How could I be so stupid?” … “But they said they loved me!” “How could they do this to me”.

I think, if you’re a victim to a love bomber it’s very hard, almost impossible to distinguish being love bombed to falling in love. Because, at the time, we do truly believe we are falling in love and they feel the same way. It’s only after, months maybe years after it’s happened we can look back on it with fresher eyes and a clearer head and spot the signs. We were just too caught up in a fairytale to doubt them at the time.

I hope I’ve explained this that easy to understand. And not waffled on😂

It probably is all waffle though. I think I’m trying to let out all my own grief of my own experience.

He was a builder btw Flissypaps..

Thing is though, i think although its highly flattering and you so want to believe everything they're saying is true.. deep down alarm bells ring, its whether or not you listen to them!

They do target 'vulnerable' others, and its amazing how quickly they too reveal their awful childhoods or how awful their exes treated them etc etc.. I thought my ex was soooo understanding and sensitive for the first 18 months or so!

@FlissyPaps thanks for your examples, makes much more sense to me now

I do think some of them believe what they're saying. Mine set me up as the embodiment of perfection and convinced me to move in with him. In reality this was just a projection - he wanted me to fix him and secretly thought that if we could just be together then it would solve all the chaos and crises in his life. Unfortunately I just got drawn down into the pits of his hell.

Motive is the difference.

Love bombing is acting like the perfect partner to achieve something. An ego boost, wrecking a person's mental health, getting your hands on someone's property/money.

if you’re a victim to a love bomber it’s very hard, almost impossible to distinguish being love bombed to falling in love

There is no way of knowing. It's very intense when you do fall in love, so the intensity of the love bombing feels appropriate (unless it's particularly grandiose) You only know when they start to change, and that's why it's important to listen to the alarm bells inside you, and not brush them off. If you can brush them off, you can play them at their own game; they've fixed your fence, taken you out for dinner lots, made you feel amazing, and then they've put a foot wrong so you've left.

Very unsettling for them.

Exactly what @Lovemusic33 said, down to the 6 month timeframe. Six months of the most loving, attentive, generous man who moved so fast I barely realised our lives had become so entwined so soon.

Then the mask slipped.

Yes. My gut feelings spotted it straight away but I chose to ignore them.

Eyeing me up like a piece of meat / sexual flirting / saying I looked hot / should wear more revealing clothes
“Hey beautiful/gorgeous/darling/sexy” texts when we’d only been on a couple of dates
Flowers/chocolates then using that as ammunition when I put the brakes on sexy stuff
Over-zealous flattery/compliments (always sexual)
Telling me a few weeks in that he’d fallen hard for me and nearly saying the “L” word.
Turning most conversations sexual / no real interest in me as a person
Always trying to arrange “stay at home” dates and always trying it on/too much too soon
Belittling me when I put the brakes on any sexy stuff
Grinding his erection against me in public
Wandering hands in public
Making me feel like I was in the wrong when I asked him to stop groping me in public
Sulking when I said no to PIV sex

Then dropping me like a hot coal when I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him I have vaginismus and need to take the physical side of things very, very slowly. He told me the best way to “cure” that was for us to go to bed and I’d be fine with him. He told me my previous partners must have been shite/it was their fault. He told me I just needed a glass of wine and to relax. His response by text the next day was “aw honey, get in touch when you’re ready to have sex”. And I never heard from him again.

Basically I mistook lust for love. The charm and flattery was a means to and end for him.

I prefer to call it lust-bombing. Because there’s nothing loving about it.

My experience was very intense/ lots of presents/ thoughtful dates... escalated into moving into my flat without asking within about 3 months. Lots of little warning signs of a temper that I ignored. Within 6 months the criticism started and within about 2 years I was truly miserable. Managed with difficulty to extricate myself from the most horrific marriage about 4 years later and now probably count my blessings at least once a day, over ten years later!

Met on pof..arrived with a bouquet of flowers. Took a selfie of "us' as we were about to enter the bar to rember when we look back in years to come.
Charmed his way as my +1 to wedding next day and told me he was "in love" at end of eve.
2 days later after sensitive telephone conversation... he arrived outside my place "flowers in hand singing Have I told you lately that I love you on the pavement.

We said we would delete each others profiles online and not log in till then. When I went to delete his profile he had logged in and deleted every single message ..I felt betrayed he was hiding something and that he was deleting my profile and I had not logged in to read my new messages.
Every Friday flowers marked our weeks anniversary.
He would randomly stoop down and kiss my feet and thank me for giving a regular guy like a chance to have such an amazing gf (lol).
He had erectile dysfunction he claimed not to have known he had as soon to be ex wife never slept or cared for him and two years alone didn't give him the chance to know (btw refused all treatment I tried to push him to).
When I was sick in bed he drove down to me (1hr) with an "emergency recovery pack' he'd put together..chocolate, assorted teas, lemsip, anadin fruit.
Daily calls texted constantly then when the mask slipped it was v fast. Out of the blue. Doesn't want to be tied down needs to explore. No reason..when I tried to get closure the police turned up at my door saying he asked me to not contact him. I showed police our conversation and they said it was fine as I was responding to him (not one way)...,but to lay off contact.
Soon after I went back on pof and found he had a duplicate profile the whole time. He was single and I was the only one in the relationship.

This is looong sorry I got excited to tell the story. It was a few years ago. He had dumped an acquaintance of mine horribly a few years before, but stupidly I decided to “judge him for myself” even though other friends who knew him also warned me off.

The first time I laid eyes on him was years before this - he was leering at me with a girl he was friends with on his lap. I’m not just saying this but it’s the only bad first impression of someone I’ve ever had just by looking at him. I thought, this guy is evil.

Flash forward a couple of years from that and we met on a night out. I went back to his (nothing happened and out of character for me) and went on holiday the next day. From then for the next couple of months he totally love bombed me. I wasted hours of my life writing back responses to his extremely lengthy texts - nobody had ever shown that much interest in me, I thought wow..he really wants to get to know me! Things got very close to being exclusive and he apparently told his mother about me (I doubt it).

2-3 months, 5000 text messages and countless dates/long nights chatting the entire night passed and because we hadn’t actually slept together yet (I was nervous/not on birth control yet/didn’t think he actually wanted to yet either) he got impatient and ditched me for the best friend of my acquaintance that he’d dumped years earlier. That lasted about 2-3 weeks then he moved on to someone else. None of them as attractive as me might I add 😂 although not their fault I know that. Now he’s married to someone who is apparently just as nice a person as him. Good luck to her. AND PLEASE TRUST YOUR GUT.

I posted a thread on here about a year ago re a guy I'd met online. He was showering me with compliments and really over the top with everything but because he seemed genuine and I was very lonely I wanted my feelings to grow. Around 100 posters on here told me he was love bombing me and it was all bullshit. I ended up in a relationship with him for most of last year, during that time I met his family and most of his friends. All the things he told me he wanted to do with me, holidays etc (future faking apparently) came true and he genuinely loved me. I ended it in November because I just didn't love him back and it wasn't fair to carry it on. He was heartbroken and I felt terribly guilty for rejecting him. But the advice I got on here was wrong. Sometimes it's not love bombing, sometimes men who DO fall for a woman just get a bit overexcited.

Happened to me and there were so many red flags it was embarrassing. So fucking stupid looking back. I'm a clever person and not actually vulnerable but this guy just literally swept me off me feet. Made out it was the love affair of the century.

Actually quite damaging even though short lived.

So much future faking. We'll do this, I'll take you there... muscled in on my kids. Wasn't massively interested in his own.

I’m friends with a divorced guy who does this, he meets someone on line dating and he gets mad excited , decides she’s the one, totally and utterly smitten, six months later it’s over, because he’s found the next one and dumps her, claiming he wants to be friends. It’s horrific. He believes it himself at the time and I honestly look at the women and think what the fuck, how can you fall for it.

they all shag right away as well, two or three dates and they are shagging for Britain. Sadly I’ve got to the stage I look at the women with pity, because they do the same thing as him, get all excited can’t believe their luck, think after three dates they’ve found the love of their lives. I’ve spoken to him numerous times about it and the only reason he’s still my mate is I’ve known him thirty years and we are in the same social circle.

the women aren’t innocent victims, they go along with it, they get excited, shag as fast as they can, say they same thing back, it’s always a two way thing. And these are folks in their forties and early fifties, acting like love struck horny teenagers. It’s honestly unbelievable.

It's so desperate isn't it? I know people like this, literally diving head first into full on relationships before they even know each other's middle names. It makes me cringe. Then when it goes tits up they're with someone else before they've even changed their underwear. People like that have no idea what real love is, they aren't in love. They just can't be alone.