What are your experiences of “love bombing”?

[FlissyPaps]

Thinking about a previous brief fling/situationship and how I was more than likely “love bombed” by a narc.

Did any of you experience this? If so, how and when did you realise?

Love Bombing: an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.

None of that is love bombing though. He's just a guy who prefers to have the excitement of a string of short term relationships. And so are his partners. Nowt wrong with that.

None of that is love bombing though. He's just a guy who prefers to have the excitement of a string of short term relationships. And so are his partners. Nowt wrong with that.

Absolutely!!

There’s a big difference between someone being love bombed to someone/people who are just desperate for a relationship and quickly ‘move on to the next’.

I think it’s really difficult to understand what love bombing is if you haven’t been subjected to it yourself.

My experience was meeting my ex DP online, had a good date, he talked about himself a lot. Second date he told me he loved me and questioned me by saying 'I'm sure you love me too' which I just said I couldn't know yet. Date 3 he cried about his problems and I was an emotional soundboard. He would tell me how amazing I was, how he'd never felt this way, how much better I was for him that his ex (who he had a child with), how I'm the one, telling friends and family I was the one and he was desperate for me to meet them. Told me he wanted to marry me within weeks. We either did whatever he wanted to do or I paid for it. Was pretty pushy about doing intimate things, and it was always about him when it was. Was very self absorbed and didn't really ask me much about me. Tried to integrate me into his sons life after 4-5 weeks, and arranged for me to meet him after 6. Got me a job where he worked and then complained about it later on because it was 'too much'.

We moved in after 2 months because he was struggling to find somewhere to live that he could afford and I was spellbound I guess although I distinctly remember on occasions having red flags and just batting them away. I ended up doing all the parenting for his son. Blew very hot and cold - sometimes he was very intense and loving, other times he virtually ignored me.

I fell pregnant accidentally within 5 months and that's when the wheels fell off - he accused me of trapping him (we'd briefly discussed whether we wanted kids - he wasn't sure because of the trauma of not bonding with his first born) but at the time when he chose not to wear a condom (I was on the pill) said 'You're exactly the person I want to have a baby with'. He forced me to get an abortion by giving me no real choice, said he couldn't go through with it, promised marriage if I would go ahead with it:

I don't know why I didn't leave then tbh but I was vulnerable and he kept promising stuff. I was heart broken about the abortion and he told me to just get over it, then dangled the possibility of kids before saying he'd get a vasectomy endlessly. Kept involving me in his drama with his ex. Told me after six months that he had had issues with my weight when we first met but because I lost weight since it was fine and basically cried about how bad he felt without really thinking about me.

Tonnes more on top of that - he's now repeated the same cycle with his new girlfriend (moved in within 3 month, met her kids after 3 weeks, introduced our son without my consent after 7 weeks despite making me agree to 4-6 months for partner introductions) and claims I'm abusive.

Gosh yes. Always have a crazy ex

Omg my one cried on first date (v emotional about his very cruel ex)..I even said I don't think you are ready to date you're too emotional.

Next day he said he was in love and I also said you can't be. He said he knows it's love crazy as he might sound.

My experience of love bombing, after my long marriage ended, I guess I was lonely, went on some dates, couldn't find any mutual attraction until this one guy, he didn't have much, didn't have a home or a stable job, never had a long relationship, bad childhood, crazy exes, red flags before it even started but I wanted to give him a chance and he was hot!
I fell for the constant compliments, how attractive he found me, how strongly he felt for me, went on some nice dates and for our first night together, he booked an expensive hotel, filled with roses when I arrived, that night he told me he loved me. I said it too although I knew it was too soon.

But just a few months in, he couldn't keep up his act, the compliments stopped, he started flirting with other women when we went out, some days he would just ignore me, so I'd wonder what happened to him.
This went on for over a year, I realised I was never getting this man I fell for back and there was no future. I was lovebombed.

I think he's just addicted to the chase and never satisfied with any woman.

I was young. He pushed his way in. I didn’t drive offered to drive me to work. Was extra nice. Wanted to see me every day. I thought it was normal. Couldn’t handle his drink alarm bells started to ring. His behaviour towards me would change. Was nasty. Tried to put me down make me less confident. Told me I had a lisp. I didn’t . I could go on and on. In the end I realised I couldn’t go on. When he was crying because I was going away with friends and he didn’t want me to go. I ended it. He told everyone I cheated on him. I didn’t. He would shout at me in the street. He followed me home and would message me to tell me he was outside my house. It was awful. I booked to work abroad in the end just to get away from him. I considered involving the police. Looking back I should have done.

called a man out for doing this to me very recently. About a month in to dating and he was in full swing 'I'm such a thoughtful gentlemen' mode. Making a big show of every single thoughtful thing he did. He couldn't book a meal somewhere without letting me know that he had thoughtfully remembered that I had said at some point that I like mussels so he had painstakingly searched for restaurants which served them (that'll be hundred of restaurants then) or meet me for a walk without making his point that he had stopped off on his way to get us some butties but had enlisted the support of the shop assistant to choose the exact right snacks because it was such an important date and he wanted to get it all just right.

We stayed over in some b&b one time and all day he had gone on about a surprise he had for me back at the room, and how much he hoped that I would just absolutely love it. Anyway, he interrupted me happily drinking my glass of wine that I had been looking forward to all day by the fire downstairs because he decided that at that very moment he needed to go and set the surprise up for me and summoned me to go and see it right there and then. The surprise was that he had run a bath for me and put a bath bomb in. I was sat there swishing around in the bath tub like a sulky child who had been ordered to by their parent.

There were loads of other things like this which may have made me sound picky and ungrateful in isolation, but he was such a faker. In the middle of dinner the next time I saw him I said 'it's really fascinating to me that you constantly evade giving an opinion or sharing your thoughts about any topic at all. I have noticed that whenever I ask you a question, you tell me 'that's really interesting, what do you think?' and I tell you, and you then respond that this is exactly what you think do. Why do you think that you do that?' He was full of bluster and (obviously) gave some meaningless response and so I told him that he was like Tom Riddle's diary from Harry Potter - collecting whichever women he was datings thoughts and feelings and views and experiences in order to be able to keep them in his pocket to exploit and manipulate. First he would have mirrored, shared every view, found anything that was said completely unique and mind blowing and endearing...until the switch.

And then I went home. If you are in any doubt as to whether I was being mean and he was a sweet, well meaning guy, this is the script that followed within the space of 24 hours via an insane amount of unanswered messages from him: he was very upset and felt I had unleashed a character assassination, then he had reflected and had an epiphany and had realised that I was completely right so he was now a whole new person, then he begged for a reply and phoned me over and over whilst I was in meetings in work, then he said he had 'fallen for me', then he developed mental health difficulties that he had always been plagued with, and finally he began his own character assassination of me. So predictable.

Yes it happened a couple of times and both were very strategic. The second time it happened, I had a lot of vulnerabilities in my life. This person worked hard to get details about me and my life, I believe, to mirror my situation. It created a fake warm, trusting atmosphere. Lots of praise about my abilities, conversation, humour, attractiveness. He was ultra available and did a few 7hr round trips to pick me up and drop me home. By the time this relationship ended, he had only driven over once in 18months.

If I became wary and questioned his over enthusiasm it was always because he had had a really awful couple of years and he was so relieved to have met me.

Using his ex to compare/contrast. She had “mental health problems, unstable, unreliable, cold, was indifferent to him, she had been nasty towards him, she would make an awful parent, she was probably gay, she was a drug user etc. This was really shitty because he risked her professional reputation. She worked in a high pressure public sector role where rumours of drugs and mental illness could cause huge problems.

There were other red flags very early on. Weird behaviours crept in that were semi aggressive but there was always an explanation. If we were sat talking and I got up to go to the bathroom or make a drink, he would jump up and grab me and try to stick his tongue down my throat. Again it was always because he was so happy to be with me. He could take nearly an hour to finish sex and I was often left in pain. This was waived off as a problem with my physical build: his “other partners hadn’t had any difficulties”.

I worked shifts and he would ring late, with long calls because he was struggling to cope with his work. He would drag the calls out to 1.30-2am knowing I had to get up at 5am. I was shattered.

How did you get the injunction?

So much of this is relatable.

The sitting in the bath like a small child really resonated with me. Also the big song and dance about gifts.

This is barshit but a few weeks after we met he had a work trip to Paris. He wanted to buy me perfume. I only would use cruelty free stuff. Well the song and dance about this made it the biggest pain in the arse. He kept emailing me screenshots of stuff about the different perfumes. It killed it some dead. He ended up getting something really mediocre from the airport. Like body shop

The other thing was that I made a joke about getting toblerone was the law at an airport. I got a toblerone every week after that. I like it but he thought it was our 'thing'. Mate it's just triangular chocolate. Not the Crown Jewels.

I have a friend like this who I am now quite wary of. I watch her buy gifts for everyone (it was me at first), over compliment initially and then pull apart, and then always manages to find who she perceives as 'the underdog' who she decides has been unfairly treated and then will spend hours on her project ranting about how undervalued they are. The truth is though, I realise now I know her better, that ultimately this is projection as this is exactly how she views herself. That no one sees how special she is, how amazing she is at everything, and how beautiful/charming etc etc etc. She is great fun to hang out with on the whole apart from when she routinely switches into this mode which is then grating and annoying. I thought she was a brilliant friend initially as she shared loads with me, cried lots on my shoulder, and then I started to notice that she just spreads this stuff out to everyone. She is also 'above' therapy which I now imagine means that she literally can't face sitting with herself, I think she always believes she is doing the therapist a favor just by being in her presence. Strangely enough I have kept my kids at arms length from hers for a long time because years ago she sent really passive aggressive messages to me about something my son had done to her son which she turned into something far bigger than it actually was. Perhaps I should have kept myself at arms length too as she just is not very nice.

I realised after the relationship when i heard the term lovebomb. So intense at the beginning really OTT. I can see it clearly now because as it went on he could turn it on and off like a tap. I was just out of a v long abusive relationship so I guess I was easy pickings. I think my ex before that did it to some extent after he'd been extra abusive. He'd be incredibly loving and warm and apologetic for a day or two and buy me OTT apology gifts

I know a lady. It happened to her. The funny thing was she told him on the first date she wasn't looking anything serious.

She has very hardened to the "dating game". Very strong and single minded around new men.

He went all in straight away. Spent hours every night FaceTiming each other like teenagers. She was 42. Professional lady. She alienated the family members who lived with her. So much so that one moved out as they couldn't watch at close quarters what was happening to her sister.

Lasted about two months. She lent him money. Never got it back. Ended up having counselling over it. She was a real strong person especially round men. So out of character.

For what it's worth. I don't thing this is a tactic. A game that is played by the love bomber. I just think in their little world it's normal behaviour. I do think men feel the need to "hook" the lady before anyone else can. Insecurity seems to be involved by the perpetrator.

Reminds me of the people that spend a fortune an a shiny new hobby that lasts a few months and then gets bored.

It seems to be the Love Bomber that gets bored first. Normally a six month shelf life.

He sounds a catch. Lol.