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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He slept with someone else whilst I was in hospital....

62 replies

brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 14:46

Three months ago I started dating a man,we immediately got on great and started dating.
We didn't have the "official " chat but he referred to me as his "girlfriend " when in a pub to another person.

Two weeks ago I was in hopsital for a minor op that week and didn't see him for a week.
He had a night out with his best friend and the next day I could sense he was a bit different.
Anyway a week later he said he didn't want serious but still wanted to date me.
I said yes (thinking he was thinking it was rushing too fast)
Through mutual friend it turned out he slept with someone the night he went out with his friend (random woman )

So I'm thinking he said that was he didn't want to feel like he cheated on me or so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.
Since then he has slept with another woman (different woman )
So that's obviously gave him taste for it.

OP posts:
MayBeee · 27/05/2022 16:20

That's a no from me. Date someone , but date another ? Fine .
But to be actually having sex ( including safe sex ) is a firm no.

CPL593H · 27/05/2022 16:23

brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 15:06

I'm not sure wether to continue not exclusive whilst still having dates etc
If my jealousy can cope with him going out and hoping he doesn't sleep with someone

Is that any way to live? OP, this is a very new relationship. He's not interested enough in you to be exclusive and is not going to turn into Mr Perfect. He WILL carry on sleeping with other people.

Do yourself a massive favour, ditch him and be free to look for someone who wants what you do.

Bookworm20 · 27/05/2022 16:25

If you want exclusivity you need to tell them.
Because men are so fucking thick that they need to be told not to kindly stick their dick in another woman while their girlfriend is in hospital? (he referred to you as his girlfriend, no?)
OR its because he just a complete arsehole and you should just throw him back. Decent men do not consider it ok to sleep with anyone and everyone the second their girlfriend is unavailable. Decent men do not have to be 'told' to please not do that.

Original poster
brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 16:37

It's only gonna mess with my self esteem isn't it if I continue like this.
Wondering why I'm not good enough for him not to want to sleep with any random woman

OP posts:
Chikapu · 27/05/2022 16:39

brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 16:37

It's only gonna mess with my self esteem isn't it if I continue like this.
Wondering why I'm not good enough for him not to want to sleep with any random woman

Honestly, it isn't you at fault here. He's making his own choices and they have absolutely nothing to do with you not being good enough.

Gudbrand · 27/05/2022 16:41

Bin and move on.
And do not waste any time on "Wondering why I'm not good enough for him not to want to sleep with any random woman"
He's not interested in a serious relationship. He just wants as many shags as possible, with different women for variety. So as you expect someone who has called you his "girlfriend" not to be sleeping with someone when you are in hospital without needing to be told not to do this, obviously your expectations and his don't match.

Another2022 · 27/05/2022 16:41

If you want him to yourself then tell him and the next time he sleeps around dump him. Otherwise just dump, not worth the aggro.

TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2022 16:42

So I'm thinking he said that was he didn't want to feel like he cheated on me or so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.

Sorry for being so brutal but it’s not because he doesn’t look like the bad guy; it’s because he isn’t that interested in you. He just wants sex.

CantGetDecentNickname · 27/05/2022 16:43

In answer to your questions:

It's only gonna mess with my self esteem isn't it if I continue like this.
Yes, it will. You are worth more than this so don't settle for being anyone's second best. Don't let anyone try to convince you that this is all you deserve.

Wondering why I'm not good enough for him not to want to sleep with any random woman.
It's not you, it's him. You are good enough, it is him who is lacking. I'd throw this one back in the pool (and get an STI check).

SunshineCake · 27/05/2022 16:45

brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 15:06

I'm not sure wether to continue not exclusive whilst still having dates etc
If my jealousy can cope with him going out and hoping he doesn't sleep with someone

This would be madness to do. He is lining you up for a lot of pain. He isn't that special.

spotcheck · 27/05/2022 16:46

brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 15:06

I'm not sure wether to continue not exclusive whilst still having dates etc
If my jealousy can cope with him going out and hoping he doesn't sleep with someone

HE IS NOT SOME PRIZE YOU HAVE TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS TO WIN!!!!!!

CPL593H · 27/05/2022 17:05

brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 16:37

It's only gonna mess with my self esteem isn't it if I continue like this.
Wondering why I'm not good enough for him not to want to sleep with any random woman

Nothing to do with what you are like and your worth. He wants lots of string free sex with different women. You are right though that your self esteem will be battered into the ground if you go along with this.

Onwards22 · 27/05/2022 17:41

If you want to be exclusive and he doesn’t then this can’t work.

I agree.

If it’s not an exclusive relationship then he’s not doing anything wrong and you’re going to just keep getting worked up for no reason.

You both want different things.
Its only been 3 months so end it now and find someone who wants to be exclusive instead.

CaptSkippy · 27/05/2022 17:58

Looks like he's spinning plates. Sorry OP. If you want something serious, I'd move on.

Original poster
brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 18:10

When he called me his GF I got excited.
We literally spend all day chatting and have such a good time together.
I don't think I could have done anything more to make him not sleep around

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/05/2022 18:13

It is not up to you to make him, being you should be enough if he is that into you.

wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 18:15

I don't think I could have done anything more to make him not sleep around

You shouldn't have to persuade someone to not shag other people if you want a monogamous relationship.

You should never speak to him again because he doesn't want that, you do and therefore you will only get hurt.

Don't be a fool and do the thing so many people do where they stick around thinking if they keep being the 'cool' girl and are good enough in bed and are chill enough etc that the guy will pick them.

He won't, he doesn't want to pick anyone. He's literally told you to that he doesn't want to pick anyone he wants to be able to date other people and sleep with other people.

He's had sex with three women this week. Totally his prerogative. You aren't ok with it (I wouldn't be either if I wanted a monogamous relationship because well, it's not monogamous) so it's ridiculous to jump through hoops.

How likely is it that this guy is the person you're going to end up with? Not likely, not even a possibly. Any more time with him is a waste of time completely.

Chalk it up to experience and don't go accepting crumbs.

Flowers
TabithaTittlemouse · 27/05/2022 18:15

Stop allowing him to call all of the shots.

If he wants to behave like he’s on heat don’t let him do it near you.

You are worth more than that.

150poundrebate · 27/05/2022 18:19

brinkkyboo · 27/05/2022 18:10

When he called me his GF I got excited.
We literally spend all day chatting and have such a good time together.
I don't think I could have done anything more to make him not sleep around

The idea that anyone can or should ‘do anything’ to prevent their partner from shagging other people is a pretty unhealthy mindset. If he wanted to be with you, he would. If he wanted to be monogamous and faithful, he would. He doesn’t want those things. That’s down to him, or you. You don’t need to tie yourself up in knots to be deserving of fidelity or a respectful honest relationship.

End this.

Iamnotamermaid · 27/05/2022 18:28

When he called me his GF I got excited.

Suspect this had less significance for him than it did you. Some men have wives and introduce them as such, but still sleep around.

Words and the actions have to match to mean anything. What you have here is a mismatch. Accept this for what it is - a casual fling.

balalake · 27/05/2022 18:30

Probably been taking lessons from Boris Johnson.

Get rid.

NewandNotImproved · 27/05/2022 18:43

Are you not reading the replies OP?

AnyFucker · 27/05/2022 18:46

I don't think I could have done anything more to make him not sleep around

What exactly have you been doing ?

annonymousse · 27/05/2022 18:47

He's showing you he doesn't want a committed relationship. Now it's up to you to decide if that is ok with you. You don't have to just accept it and if you want more he is not the man for you.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/05/2022 18:51

I'd be texting him NOW and saying Having had time to think I have realised we want different things from a relationship and have very different standards. All the best for the future, but I'll not be seeing you again.

Then BLOCK him. He's offering nothing but further opportunities to make you feel shit and lower your self esteem. He is not worth it.