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Original poster

I think I'm sabotaging. Please help!

48 replies

OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 20:19

My boyfriend has gone away this morning for a weekend camping with some mutual friends. I had to work today and so I'm joining them tomorrow. Or, I'm supposed to be.

I'm supposed to be leaving in the morning. So far, I haven't done anything I need to do.

I'm just sitting on my bed, my heart is pounding, I have a knot in my stomach and, as it stands, I'm not going.

I'm convinced he'll have a better time without me there. I can't guarantee that I won't get there and want to come straight home again. I don't want to spoil it for him.

I don't know where to go when I get there. There will be loads of people. I'll feel put of sorts because they've all been there for 24+ hours already. I just want to go to bed.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 20:34

Do what you want to do. Why such pressure to go? Why not just pull out and say you're tired? What are you sabotaging, other than the camping trip? Would there be repercussions?

Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 20:44

If I don't go, I know I'll end the relationship.

He's said he's looking forward to me going.

I was looking forward to it until today.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 20:44

Why will you end it? What's up with just ducking out of this one event?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2022 20:49

Do you want to end the relationship?

Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 20:53

Because I'm struggling with the whole thing, tbh.

I'm convinced he'd be better off and have more fun without me. I'm picturing him there, having a great time today, laughing and having fun - which he will be. And should be. And I'm worried that, when I turn up, he won't be able to have as much fun with me there.

Not because of anything I'd do or say, just my presence.

I'd already mentally planned for how I'd leave and what I'd say if it felt necessary. I think it would just be easier if I didn't go in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 20:56

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2022 20:49

Do you want to end the relationship?

No. I'm just struggling with being in it.

When I'm with him, everything is fine but when I'm not, my mind goes into overdrive.

And I'm convinced he'd rather be with someone else (no one in particular); that I'm just going to bring him down; that he'd have a more enjoyable life without me.

He doesn't know I feel like this. I think he'd think I was bonkers for feeling like this.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 20:56

Where did you learn to feel this way? Were you told you were rubbish company when you were a kid?

Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 20:57

I'm just convinced that he's regretting that I'm going to be joining them tomorrow. That he's there now thinking what a good time he's having and the last thing he needs or wants is me turning up.

OP posts:
PetersRabbitt · 26/05/2022 20:59

You sound quite dramatic, what’s the problem with just going and having fun? If he has such a problem with you coming up I’m sure he wouldn’t have bothered inviting you in the first place.

Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 21:00

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 20:56

Where did you learn to feel this way? Were you told you were rubbish company when you were a kid?

There was nothing good about me when I was a child or at any time since. Apparently.

I just hoped that one day it would end and it hasn't.

I'm too old to be dealing with feeling like this and he's definitely too old to be dealing with my head shit.

I feel like I gave it a go and I know now that I can't do it. I don't trust him and he hasn't given me any reason not to. I wouldn't do or say anything to let him know that. He couldn't have said or done any more to prove it but it's not enough to ease the thoughts.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 21:01

He doesn't know I feel like this. I think he'd think I was bonkers for feeling like this

Is he generally respectful and kind to you? Or has he got form for thinking you're nuts?

Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 21:01

PetersRabbitt · 26/05/2022 20:59

You sound quite dramatic, what’s the problem with just going and having fun? If he has such a problem with you coming up I’m sure he wouldn’t have bothered inviting you in the first place.

People change their minds.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 21:02

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 21:01

He doesn't know I feel like this. I think he'd think I was bonkers for feeling like this

Is he generally respectful and kind to you? Or has he got form for thinking you're nuts?

He's always respectful and kind. He'd think I was bonkers in an incredulous, confused way. Not in a "you're fucking mental" way.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 21:38

I think you should contact him, tell him you're sorry you can't join him over the weekend, have a bloody good rest, maybe a cry, and then when he gets back, tell him exactly what you've told us. If he's going to be a serious relationship for you, he needs to know that you sometimes feel like this, right? And if you think he's likely to be incredulous, that's because you think he thinks you feel secure.

He would only think you feel secure if he feels things that would encourage a secure feeling in you. If he was thinking you weren't fun/you bring him down/he has more fun without you etc, he'd totally expect you to feel the way you do, wouldn't he?

Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 21:55

Watchkeys

Yes, I'm going to do that.

I'm going to bed now. I can't think about it anymore.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 21:57

I still think I need to end it though. It's a horrible feeling and I'd just rather not experience it anymore than expect him to deal with it.

OP posts:
Fuzzyhippo · 26/05/2022 22:01

I can completely relate to this. In the past for example I've arranged to go round to my partners for the night. But I get this feeling deep down that he's better off without me there and it really gets me down. I end up wrapping myself in my covers and going to sleep with this horrible anxious-like feeling in my stomach, it's really hard to describe. I've done this on several occasions but I don't even know why it happens

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 22:17

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2022 20:49

Do you want to end the relationship?

You said 'no' to this question, OP, but it sounds like you do want to, and think perhaps you shouldn't because he's a nice guy and you're happy when you're together. But the whole picture has to work for both parties in a relationship; the together time, the alone time, the time in a group etc. If it's not working for you, and the big picture is making you anxious, then just end it.

There's no pressure for you to be with him. Is there?

Ruralbliss · 26/05/2022 22:26

I'd actually encourage you to try to find the strength to go and see how you feel when you are there. He might be so pleased to see you and you might meet some nice people and getting out of your usual environment and fresh air can be so beneficial.

Sorry you are feeling rubbish. My daughter has crippling anxiety and so she no longer goes anywhere and her friends no longer see her. It's a very lonely life.

Triffid1 · 26/05/2022 22:31

The relationship will end because you don't go? But you think if you go he will regret asking you?

That is irrational. But I think you know that. So you need to.find a way to deal with your irrational anxiety and catastrophising. Can you seek therapy? Talk it over with your bf or friend or family member in real life?

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 26/05/2022 22:38

I used to feel like this from time to time. I once convinced myself my boyfriend was coming round to split up with me because I was so rubbish, and drove myself demented all day panicking about it. He didn't, never was, and was incredulous and so confused that I would think that when I told him. We are still together 10 years on.
This feelings entirely stopped when I came off the combined pill.
I think you should go. If he didn't want you to come he wouldn't have invited you. You can always leave if you need to. But I bet he is delighted to see you and you have a great time.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/05/2022 22:46

I can be like this op. I was diagnosed with EUPD then adhd and have a poor history of childhood abuse. It's often related to fear of abandonment and it's a defence strategy. These thoughts are you brain's way of trying to protect you from harm.

Ignore the ignorant post calling you dramatic. It's an unpleasant feeling but it IS possible to get past it.

Grounding is vital when you start feeling panicky like this. Your bf loves you and this will pass.

I think I'm sabotaging. Please help!
Original poster
OneMoreSmoke · 26/05/2022 22:49

I don't have any family to talk it over with (I was nc with my parents before they died and I'm very low contact with my sibling) and I don't want to burden my friends with it.

I can't go anyway now. I haven't done any of the things I needed to to be ready for it.

It's mutual friends he is with and I'm not very good at meeting new people or being in a group of people out of context. Even if I know them. I've always been like it. Sometimes I can push myself to do it anyway and sometimes I can't. I wouldn't say I ever really enjoy it but sometimes I find it easier to tolerate than others. If I feel like this before going, then it would definitely be a problem.

I would end the relationship if I didn't go. Not because I don't want to be with him but because he deserves better than this.

No. There's no pressure to be with him but he's the only man who's ever loved me or understood me. And there's no one else I'd want to be with because of who he is. We fit each other perfectly. But I can't cope with feeling like this.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 26/05/2022 22:52

If he has said he is looking forward to you going, there is no reason for you to think that he will enjoy it more without you.

If you don't go, he will be upset, but the relationship will not inevitably be over.

When you are with him, everything is fine. This is a positive relationship.

You have sadly internalised an idea that there is nothing good about you, but that is clearly untrue, as you are in a relationship with someone who enjoys your company.

It's up to you if you go camping or not.

Your boyfriend is there. If you like being with him, why not go there and be with him.

You are a nice normal person.

justforthisnow · 26/05/2022 22:56

You are totally sabotaging this relationship.
What you choose to.do with information is up to you.
How old are you?

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