I think I'm sabotaging. Please help!

[OneMoreSmoke]

My boyfriend has gone away this morning for a weekend camping with some mutual friends. I had to work today and so I'm joining them tomorrow. Or, I'm supposed to be.

I'm supposed to be leaving in the morning. So far, I haven't done anything I need to do.

I'm just sitting on my bed, my heart is pounding, I have a knot in my stomach and, as it stands, I'm not going.

I'm convinced he'll have a better time without me there. I can't guarantee that I won't get there and want to come straight home again. I don't want to spoil it for him.

I don't know where to go when I get there. There will be loads of people. I'll feel put of sorts because they've all been there for 24+ hours already. I just want to go to bed.

@OneMoreSmoke, have you previously written about your relationship with him?

Gosh poor you this sounds like a really distressing feeling for you and rooted in your unhappy childhood.
Can you try and picture adult you going back and visiting child you and giving yourself a big hug and loving child you? It’s what child you needs and deserves. You are worthy of being loved and there’s nothing wrong with you.
You deserve to be happy, please don’t end the relationship unless it’s what you really want, not because you don’t think you deserve it.

No, I haven't posted about my relationship with him before.

I'm not far off 50 so old and experienced enough to know I won't change.

I didn't want to go on this trip originally because I knew I'd find it difficult being with everyone in a different context. But I agreed to it because I thought I'd feel worse if I didn't go. But now I have a choice, the thought of not going is bringing me more relief.

I wondered because earlier this month a poster had referenced going away this weekend with her BF and mutual friends, and it was out of context to all their other outings with these friends. She mentioned that she tends to overthink and needs a plan to feel secure. There was a woman in their group who had been a problem, and she and BF were dealing with that together.

@OneMoreSmoke, everything will be okay if you don’t go. You don’t have to break up. However, I think you should try to go on the weekend, even if you have to alter your preparations. The truth is that your boyfriend will have a much better time if you go. He loves and cherishes you, and he wants to experience this adventure with you. You say he understands you, so share your misgivings and then you two can make a plan. He will meet you when you drive up.

Please don’t sabotage your wonderful relationship.

No, the friends are OK. But I've not been away with them before. A whole weekend feels a lot.

I'm still quite anxious about it this morning. I've convinced myself that the whole house needs a thorough clean before I can even think about whether I'm going to go or not. I've done the kitchen so far.

I'm telling myself I can go, not drink and then come home this evening if I need to. But at the moment I'm just putting off sending a message saying I can't make it and trying to think of a plausible reason.

and trying to think of a plausible reason

'Not feeling like you want to go' is a plausible reason, though. Why don't you think that's enough?

I think you should go.

I'm a lot like you, same thoughts. But I do tell my boyfriend (and then worry that he'll dump me because of my crazy thoughts)

We went away recently with friends of his. I had planned the escape route, finding out where the nearest bus stop was and train station (as he drove). I panicked and cried when we arrived. He was lovely and understanding. I had a great time!

Please try and tell your bf some of your worries. If he's as lovely as you say he is he should try and help and understand you.

He would be understanding but I'd also feel I was letting him down.

I was supposed to have left by now. I'm still in my pjs and have about 3+ hours of jobs to do before I could even think about leaving anyway.

I've just spoken to one of my friends who suggested just doing the things I need to do because some of them just need to he done anyway whether I go or not. And then see how I feel in a few hours time.

Quite often when I have plans with friends, even close friends, I talk myself out of it in a million different ways. I've ALWAYS regretted cancelling it because I've also ALWAYS had fun when I've gone.
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Don't focus so much on everyone around you having a good time, just go and have a nice time for yourself. Spend some time with your partner and be kind to yourself, but don't break both of your hearts because you're a bit insecure and introverted. You can 100% do this, but sometimes we have to be brave.
You also have been given good advice in chatting with him about this afterwards, but I think he'll be much more receptive and understanding if you actually go. Be brave this time, take notice of how you feel when you're there and then arrange some counselling, love.

You clearly want to overcome this self-sabotage.

Do it by planning ahead.

Text and ask what the group needs, wants or is craving. Go out and buy some of these, from bacon and eggs to a bottle of wine or two. That way, you'll arrive with something that creates a great first impression.

Think of a couple of things you'd like to do - a mini bucket list. Stargazing, sitting around a campfire, going on a hike, helping strike camp etc. Just focus on doing these things in as relaxed a manner as possible, enjoying them in the moment. The more relaxed you are, even if you are quiet and shy, the more relaxed others will feel in your company. You don't have to make a massive impression. So long as you are friendly, help out with the workload and have some quality time with your boyfriend, then you've succeeded.

I find having a mantra helps. Things like: just breathe or This is good, this is fine, or You can handle this.

Find something in nature to admire. Find comedy in any problematic moments like rain or trouble getting a tent up or down.

Everything you do towards combatting the self sabotage, give yourself a massive pat of recognition so you reinforce and reward fighting it and downplay its power over you. So if you text him to ask what they need, congratulate yourself. Go and buy stuff they need, another well done. Chuck some clothes in a bag: well done, on a roll now. Etc. Talk your bravery up and your cowardice down. Easier said than done but it does help.

My DH was very twitchy one night and I thought: this is it. He's chucking me. He proposed. Weirdly, my auntie told me the exact same story about her DH and her when he proposed. Some of us are hard-wiredl self-doubters but it doesn't mean we are in any way accurate.

It sounds like these 'feelings' and 'thoughts' invade your mind. Take a step back and realise they are simply feelings and thoughts. You would probably benefit from CBT therapy as some thoughts can spiral off and take you down a very negative route. The facts are he has invited you to come along. Deal with Facts more than your thoughts and feelings. Maybe you can text him before going and simple say you are feeling abit nervous about coming along and maybe just a bit of reassurance from him will make all the difference.

I had a bad episode of anxiety and was feeling very off, i had text my bf and told him i wasnt feeling great , due to a new role at work. He wanted to call me and i text back no because i was worried i'd cry on the phone. He rang me straight away and i did cry, i didnt even really know why, was sacred to show my real self but he was amazing and really supported me and said me being so open let him know what i needed from him and that i should always be honest with him. i said i felt weak and vulnerable but he saw that as a strength and wanted to help me. Relationships can be scary but there is really strength is opening up to your partner, and if they dont support you well then at least you know , but i think you should give this guy the opportunity to show you.

I already know everyone who is going. They're my friends too. So no need to make a good first impression but I'd find that suggestion very hard anyway. I like to keep myself to myself and be unnoticed.

Im generally quiet in group situations and a whole weekend of it feels huge.

He's messaged this morning to ask when I'm getting there.

The expectation of others is making it even harder.

Well it's been a bit of a disaster.

I did go. But I was feeling really anxious amd panicky and couldn't find where I was supposed to be so I came home.

I'd let him know I was on my way and when I was there but that I couldn't see where to go. He was waiting for me. The phone signal was really poor. We couldn't really hear each other and there's no Internet so no estates were going through.

I'm just at home now and I don't know what to do with myself. He said I should have tried again - driven round again but I was already so anxious that I couldn't think straight.

I'd possibly try again in an hour but his phone was nearly dead so there's no point doing that either. And I was supposed to be staying in his tent so, if I couldn't find him, I'd have no way of letting him know I was there.

That's not a disaster. You just didn't find it and went home.

Stop dramatising. It's fine. If he's worried, he'll find a way to phone you and you'll tell him you got lost and anxious so you cam home. He's a nice guy. He cares about you. If he's worthy of you, his concern will be that you feel anxious and he'll want to support you.

Why would you suspect anything else? Why would you suspect that it's any worse than

'I got lost and anxious so I came home'
'Really love? I was worried. How are you feeling now? Better, I hope?'

?

I did speak to him briefly but the signal was terrible and it was unhelpful and frustrating for both of us.

And that's ok. Everyone will, at some point, have been anxious about going somewhere, got lost, and gone home instead. Everyone will, at some point, had a frustrating and unhelpful conversation due to needing to talk something through but having a poor signal.

There's nothing terrible here, it's just one of those things that happens.

I'm not far off 50 so old and experienced enough to know I won't change.

My dear, I am 60, & I change every year.
Not change as in reinvention, or some giant effort. I simply have another year's experience under my belt, another year of having learned stuff ...

May I ask - what concrete help are you receiving for your anxiety?

I'm glad you tried to go. I've been where you are and the more you avoid things like this the more reason you have to continue doing it till the point where you never do anything this isbfine of course if you are happy this way. If not best thing to do is go and you will see its not the end of the world and you will gain in confidence for next time .

I agree with pp also. You are only 50 and you are a long time dead.

Hi op. You need to talk to your boyfriend and be honest with him. And then you need therapy. He loves you and wants you. It isn't fair on both of you.

I think you need to work out where the anxiety comes from. I would suggest going to counselling to understand yourself. He is more likely to understand when you do also. You definitely need to explain to him how you are doubting yourself. Also if you don’t want to go what is it about that situation that is making you uncomfortable? It doesn’t sound like you are putting yourself first. Or you are letting yourself be persuaded into things that may be out of your comfort zone. Has this happened before in other situations/relationships?

this really seems like self sabotage sorry OP