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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate how small my circle is, I want more people to care

34 replies

smallcircle · 26/05/2022 17:54

Just that really. I'm 32, single, though not through choice but also not really looking after my last horrible relationship ended 5 years ago. I would like to have a family and am aware i'm getting older, however.

I just always have this anxiety over me, that nobody cares. I have parents, and 3 friends (who mostly I wonder if I can even say that) and that is it.
I'd love to make new friends, but not for the sake of it, I want friendships which are meaningful. I have had acquaintances and that's not what I want, as that is just as lonely to me as having no one.

I'm always anxious about losing my parents or any friends, it is in my thoughts constantly. I think I have this fear of being totally alone and no body caring.

I have already decided, after spending my childhood wanting the big white wedding, that if I ever was lucky enough to get married, it would be a very small registry office with witnesses only as i'd just be so embarrassed I could barely fit a church pew with my guests.

I don't understand, I think i'm a nice caring good person and I genuinely care about my friends and family, but I don't always feel (particularly with friends) that I ever get the same in return. Its unbalanced. I just feel like people don't warm to me no matter how friendly I try to be.

I also don't feel completely comfortable being close friends with colleagues as I feel in work I am in a professional environment and can't totally be myself.

I don't know why i'm really posting, I just wondered if anybody felt the same and/or if people were in my position and its got better.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 26/05/2022 19:55

Widen your interests and activities. Do something that lets you meet new people, but do it without expecting to make friends.

Something like going to a gym or parkrun, or evening class might keep you busy and who knows what you might find

WTF475878237NC · 26/05/2022 19:58

I have never been friends with colleagues either my friends have come from university, and hobbies and clubs as an adult. You have to put yourself out there almost like dating and eventually find people you click with I think. The more social events you do, the more likely you'll find new friends.

KirstenBlest · 26/05/2022 19:58

I get the nobody seeming to care. I always feel that if I offload any concerns or tell a story, the person I tell has bigger concerns or a better story.

I'd try counselling if you want to be listened to.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/05/2022 20:05

3 good friends is good going imo. It makes sense that other people won't be as close. We only have time/energy for a certain amount of people. You could have a medium sized wedding if you wanted to, you'd just do what others do and invite acquaintances. Most of the big hen dos I see include the bride's mother, mother in law and colleagues because most don't have a massive group of women friends by the time they're getting married.

I agree with the suggestion to try to meet new people, meetup groups etc., but it takes time and it's normal that you may have to go through the acquaintance phase first with many people.

Lalupita · 26/05/2022 20:12

I understand. My friendship circle has got smaller and smaller..I now only have one friend who I go to coffee with every few months. I lost touch with my "best" friends from school. They just didn't seem to care. I also get on well with people from work but it's a different kind of relationship - I wouldn't phone my work colleagues on a weekend to chat about my personal life for example. I went through a really low point when I was single a few years ago where I felt so lonely. Since then I've kind of just accepted it now that I don't have a group of friends who go to brunch together or on girly weekends. I recently got married and decided to have a small wedding, partly for the same reason as you. I didn't have a single friend there which still upsets me.

Original poster
smallcircle · 27/05/2022 17:54

Thanks for the replies, I might join a gym at some point, but from past experience, it seems to be people doing their own thing rather than it being a social thing.

I just constantly feel down about it, every single day. Like I don't matter.

OP posts:
Beamur · 27/05/2022 17:58

I think your issue isn't really friendship it's self esteem.
Wanting to feel needed and listened to is important but grows from connection.
Sounds cheesy but maybe you need to love yourself a bit more first.
I've never made a friend from going to the gym. Maybe try joining something which is a bit more giving/empathetic - volunteering for something maybe? You may find more like minded souls.

KirstenBlest · 27/05/2022 18:03

Do an exercise class instead of just going to the gym. You'll see the same people regularly and get toned. If you do something like pilates and spinning, you'll feel really good about your body.

You do matter, and you probably mean a lot to many people.

Try being your own best friend. You can do things on your own and it will make you more confident

Moggymoggy · 27/05/2022 18:22

Hi OP, I can relate to your post! Do you think you could meet people through your friends like friends of friends? I have social anxiety and find meeting new people hard as well xx

pixie5121 · 27/05/2022 18:36

It's almost impossible to have quality AND quantity. Some people have loads and loads of friends but they don't really know them and they're really more like casual acquaintances. I would much rather have a small group of real friends.

Subaru4336 · 27/05/2022 18:39

smallcircle · 27/05/2022 17:54

Thanks for the replies, I might join a gym at some point, but from past experience, it seems to be people doing their own thing rather than it being a social thing.

I just constantly feel down about it, every single day. Like I don't matter.

If you're interested in joining a gym for the social side, you could consider a cross-fit gym. They tend to be small class sizes, and all doing the same thing together (albeit scaled for different abilities), and everyone supports and helps each other get through the workout - there's no people with ear-phones in doing their own thing at all.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/05/2022 19:13

I think your issue isn't really friendship it's self esteem

This is spot on.

All those cliches about needing to 'love yourself first' are cliches for a reason.

Once you value yourself, and stop 'needing' friends, you will find it easier to find & create mutually supportive friendships.

Speaking as someone who is just getting to that point after a lot of heartbreak & counselling! 💐

PurpleSky300 · 27/05/2022 19:21

I feel you OP. I could have written this myself.

Ragwort · 27/05/2022 20:29

Agree with others, you need to value yourself. What are you offering to other people? I know it's a cliche but why don't you get involved in volunteering? I've done lots of different volunteering roles throughout my life, I have always met like minded people and have found a sense of belonging. Why not try it?

catfunk · 27/05/2022 20:43

pixie5121 · 27/05/2022 18:36

It's almost impossible to have quality AND quantity. Some people have loads and loads of friends but they don't really know them and they're really more like casual acquaintances. I would much rather have a small group of real friends.

I don't think this is true.
I don't want to sound like an arsehole saying this on op's thread but I've got lots of friends from different circles and they are 'quality' friends.

catfunk · 27/05/2022 20:45

Op I agree you might be coming across as a bit needy. If you present yourself as unhappy and lonely it's not going to attract people to you. Could you make friends through work, a gym class, hobby?

butimjayigetaway · 27/05/2022 20:45

Google meet ups in your area. Go.

catfunk · 27/05/2022 20:47

If you're in a city op, look ok Facebook for a group called '(city name) girl'.
I often see lots of people arranging meet ups on my local one :)

youngwildandni · 28/05/2022 05:53

Is the peanut app a thing where you are? Please someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it's like Tinder but for friendships?

Anyway I'm sorry OP. You sound like a nice person so I hope you find a solution x

Fjea · 28/05/2022 06:14

You say you don’t want acquaintances, but you have to go through acquaintance level with people before you get to friends. And the more acquaintances you make the more likely you’ll find someone you click with and become friends.

D0lphine · 28/05/2022 06:39

It's hard because when you're single you can have lots of friends and family but you're no one's priority.

So friend with partners / kids might grab a coffee at the weekend, but most of their weekend I'll be spent with partners/ kids.

There was defo a time in my life where I felt like I was no one's priority so I completely understand. It's an odd feeling when doing something with a friend is their thing that they fit in around their life, but for you it's much more important.

I'd therefore actively make friends with other single people who will want to go on week long holidays with you, who will want to hang out on Sunday afternoon, who will have plenty of time to do x y z.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2022 12:17

pixie5121 · 27/05/2022 18:36

It's almost impossible to have quality AND quantity. Some people have loads and loads of friends but they don't really know them and they're really more like casual acquaintances. I would much rather have a small group of real friends.

Problem with that is that you're left high and dry if one of your friends moves away/gets a boyfriend/gets a job with anti-social hours.
At least if you have a wider circle of less close friends it can work out that one of those becomes a closer friend eventually.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2022 12:18

"I'd therefore actively make friends with other single people who will want to go on week long holidays with you, who will want to hang out on Sunday afternoon, who will have plenty of time to do x y z."

Oh yes, you definitely need single friends. Unless it's during a work lunch hour I don't meet up with people just for one hour. It would end up taking me more to get there than I get to socialise.

Original poster
smallcircle · 28/05/2022 13:00

Thanks for the responses. Its my day off today and i'm just sat at home with no plans to socialise and its a lovely day. I just feel so low. Its even at the point where I keep thinking i'm hearing my phone vibrate, its almost like i'm that desperate for evidence that someone gives me a thought. The phone doesn't vibrate, btw!

OP posts:
summertime94 · 28/05/2022 16:05

I can relate to your post a lot and for me, moving away helped me to make some new friends.
I also have used the dating app called bumble (has a friend option).