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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why doesn't he care or feel bad?

27 replies

Alicew00 · 25/05/2022 19:50

My boyfriend wind's me up all the time and on 3 occasions where he's drunk mote than normal he's decided to have a play fight but its violent. On the weekend he hit me over the head real hard so I hit him back and it continued for a while then he dragged me to the floor and slapped my legs over and over.
I needed ice for my arms the next day as they were swollen but he didn't care. He just said I'm in a mood. I really didn't feel like smiling at all I was hurt. When we went to bed he just watched his phone on loud again and he knows I was trying to sleep.
I wanted to die right there and then. I tried to tell him how I felt but he said its just a joke. When I tried to tell someone infront of him he said we had a playfight and he won.
I want him gone but all his stuff is at my house. I really wish I could pack up and leave but it'sy house he's on the agreement or anything.

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 25/05/2022 19:55

I’m confused my your last sentence. You live in his house or he in yours?

Herbyhippo · 25/05/2022 19:55

can you just rewrite the last line of your op, autocorrect has gone a bit crazy! Is he on the tenancy?

Original poster
Alicew00 · 25/05/2022 19:56

Sorry spelling mistake it's my house

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicew00 · 25/05/2022 19:56

He's NOT on the tenancy

OP posts:
layladomino · 25/05/2022 19:57

So the house is yours, not joint? This man is (at best) uncaring and cruel and (at worst) very dangerous.

He is violent. He doesn't care about your feelings. He seems to enjoy frightening you and making you feel pain. He is abusive. He won't get better, he will more likely get much worse.

Can you get some support IRL and tell him to leave? Wait for him to go out, bag his stuff up and leave it outside or deliver it to his garden. Have some support around you. Block him and don't engage ever again. Make sure he doesn't have a key, and if necessary change your locks straight away.

Stay safe. Get rid. You deserve 1000 x better than this vile abusive monster.

newtb · 25/05/2022 19:58

If it's your house, change the locks and put his stuff outside in bon bags. Report him to the police for assault. He will escalade and it will get worse. Contact womens' aid for help.
Good Luck.

GenderAtheist · 25/05/2022 19:58

Can I just check that I understand OP? you want to split up with him permanently and you want him to move out your house. And the tenancy is in your name only.

Have I got that right ?

girlmom21 · 25/05/2022 19:58

Pack his stuff and leave it outside for when he gets home.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/05/2022 19:59

He is a violent abusive man. Please get rid of him asap.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2022 20:02

Kick him the fuck out, and if he refuses to leave you call the police. Get him gone, right now.

EvilPea · 25/05/2022 20:04

Kick the abusive prick out. Make sure you’ve someone there when you ask him to go.
hes abusive. He’s not play fighting and winning. He’s putting you in your place and winning. He’s asserting his dominance over you.
he’s stopping you sleep, like a form of torture. He doesn’t give a shit about you.

yyydelilah · 25/05/2022 20:08

I once had a bf who bit me as a "joke"

It really hurt and I was left bruised and upset. He said I was being dramatic.

The next time we had an argument he pulled out my hair, tried to gauge my eyes out and strangled me until I almost lost consciousness.

I was a shadow of myself for months afterwards.

This is how quickly things can escalate. Get him gone immediately.

Zemw · 25/05/2022 20:09

Pack his shit up, change the locks and leave said shit outside. He makes fuss, report him for assault.

He hit you. How dare he! Get him gone.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 20:16

Get him out of your house. I would call the police (non emergency line) and let them know your partner has assaulted you so you want him removed from your property but are frightened he may refuse. Ask their advice on how you can stay safe. Take that advice.

I hope there are no kids living with you too?

Please don't stay with this man. He's abusive and doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you, as hard as that is to hear.

Flowers
BemoreDerek · 25/05/2022 20:28

This kind of abuse (and yes, that's what it is) hides in plain sight, he passes it off as a 'joke' or not knowing his own strength but it's not and he does know but it makes it difficult for you to call out. The truth is that he enjoys hurting you though OP, you feel shaken and confused because he hurt you and then gaslighted you about it.

Best thing you can do is get as many people round as possible, friends and family who will support you, have his stuff packed and tell him it's over and he's out. He will try and argue it was a 'playfight' but won't be able to answer why, if he didn't mean to hurt you, he wasn't immediately mortified and apologetic when you said he had? You can't let him get into your head and convince you what he did is ok though, it isn't and it will happen again if you stay with him Flowers

Maytodecember · 25/05/2022 20:44

You’re in control. As pp have said, put his stuff outside, get the locks changed ( he may have had his key copied)
He is violent and that never gets better. You’re well rid.

CaptSkippy · 25/05/2022 20:59

Agree with other posters. This is just the start. He is going to escalate this if he can. Kick him out today and change the locks.

Bananalanacake · 25/05/2022 21:02

Does he pay towards bills and food, if he isn't on the tenancy you can make him leave, call the police if he gets shirty or get a friend to back you up.

UnintentionallyRidiculous · 25/05/2022 21:09

Well it's your house and he's not on the tenancy, so thankfully it's pretty straightforward. Tell him to leave, if he won't call the police.

Honeyroar · 25/05/2022 21:09

Have you got anyone that could be with you while you ask him to leave/he packs? Get locks changed and tell him you’ll ring the police if he comes back?

mamabeeboo · 25/05/2022 21:33

Op you can do this. You're in a stronger position than you think.

Itstimetoquit · 25/05/2022 22:35

Tell him to leave if he refuses call the police x

StoneMap · 25/05/2022 22:47

Those are not play fights or jokes. They are domestic violence. He is a violent abuser, and you are an abuse victim. Get out of this relationship asap.

DontPickTheFlowers · 25/05/2022 22:51

EvilPea · 25/05/2022 20:04

Kick the abusive prick out. Make sure you’ve someone there when you ask him to go.
hes abusive. He’s not play fighting and winning. He’s putting you in your place and winning. He’s asserting his dominance over you.
he’s stopping you sleep, like a form of torture. He doesn’t give a shit about you.

Totall agree.

OP my ex was doing similar to me. It started with slapping my bum which got progressively harder, including just after I’d given birth, kind of slapping and then pulling at the same time. He then moved on to one-sided play fighting and trying to overpower me. I could see where it was heading.

He also started financially abusing me.

Just get rid of him and be free, you don’t have kids together do you?

lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/05/2022 23:06

I want him gone but all his stuff is at my house.

What the fuck kind of reason is this? It's your house. Tell him you're done, it's over, you will arrange for him to collect his things at a mutually agreeable time. If that doesn't work for him, he can collect them from outside your house.

Now arrange to change the locks.