DP won’t go on holiday. Can anyone relate/would you do this?

[Beellabrella]

He’s great when we are actually on holiday. But…I’m absolutely sick and tired of trying to get him to go. Last time we went away, it was for two nights and took quite literally months of me suggesting things, hun barely engaging etc.

So I ended up planning more stuff with friends which I enjoy.

I’m five months pregnant and really want a week away abroad. I can’t face trying to get DP to go, I would rather not have the hassle. Would you go alone? I feel a bit worried being pregnant but also sad about not going anywhere. Friends are unable to go. It’s not a financial issue before anyone asks, he’s a v high earner.

So fed up :(

@beellabrella, I'm actually 5 months pregnant too. Which I think is only heightening my need for a break within a small window of time. I worry he will limit DCs world with his stuborness/ignorance.

He's also really judgy as well, beach/relaxing holidays seem to be beneath him. As if I want to be traipsing round a hot city in my third trimester!

I have resulted to traveling solo and meeting friends or going with family in the past. It's not the same though.

Interesting that a PP mentioned childhood holidays. DH didn't travel on a plane until his early 20s with me, and he'd have 1 holiday per year which tended to be 1 or 2 nights in the next county. Due to a workaholic and stick in the mud DFIL. It's def learned behaviour.

Resorted, not resulted

I have had 22 years of this misery and it's one of the reasons why I'm considering getting a divorce. Pre my husband, I used to love to travel and had hopes that my life would be full of visiting new and exciting places but every single holiday has been a battle. I have missed out on so many opportunities because he is reluctant and stalls when I suggest something, meaning I often miss the boat and then can't afford it because the prices have gone up. He contributes very little financially to any holiday, I've paid for them all bar one as in his eyes, if I want us to go somewhere, I should pay for it.

I have a very stressful job where an outlet for many of my colleagues is annual holidays and every year I feel envious of their lovely plans when all I've got to look forward to is visiting family (which is nice of course but not a holiday) or a the occasional wet week in a tent every few years. This spring I did manage to get him abroad for a few days (all paid for by me) but by the end of the holiday, he was in bed 'ill' while I was left entertaining our DD again. Every single holiday he has something wrong with him. One thing about this long longed for trip is that I remembered why I loved to travel and after 22 years, I've decided I'm not waiting for him any more and I'm going to start booking things for DD and myself. At least if I leave him at home, the holiday is 30% cheaper, I can suit myself and not be dictated to by his miserable ways and DD will get to see a bit of the world.

I'm sorry for the depressing post but if your DH is anything like mine, this won't improve with age and if holidays are important to you and you can afford it, you need to go and leave him at home. Don't end up like me, 22 years in and resentful of all the missed opportunities because you've been held back by a man too selfish to compromise. Book the holiday and have a lovely time! Good luck!

I’d be very concerned about the future OP. If he won’t go on holiday now, is that likely to change when DC arrives?

Going on holiday on your own is one thing, going with a baby/toddler on your own is entirely another. Holidays with young children are hard work but so much fun, you will feel like a single parent if he refuses to come with you and the DC will be missing out on all those memories.

My first wife enjoyed holidays, but lacked the backbone needed to take the annual leave to which she was entitled from her job. That's not uncommon in Japan.

We went on a couple of rather short holidays together but there were times when I went on my own.

If he is great when there why spend the time pestering him? Just book and say we're going here on X date. No more needs mentioned. Make sure it's enough notice for him to book off work.

@cobayo 💐

OP I agree with giving a deadline and then going ahead if no response.

What does he think will happen if he takes time off work?

I would not miss out on a pre baby holiday because of someone else and especially if money was not a concern.

As someone who doesn't like holidays and would always rather work, I'd say this is an incompatibility thing and you're best doing your own thing and going alone. I've never managed a week anywhere unless there's a work component and even with shorter holidays I've usually ended up changing flights to come home early. It's not even workaholism. I just enjoy my life as it is day to day and don't enjoy having a break from it. They say satisfaction comes from feeling you're doing something of value everyday and I guess I just don't get that from sightseeing or lying by a pool, though I completely understand that many other people love that. I also get stressed by the constant round of eating out, so it stops being a treat and life becomes a cycle of eating, drinking, sleeping and not much else. Again I'd rather eat the way I usually do and not have it be such a big deal. And don't even get me started on the hassle of travelling - airports, flights, transfers, jetlag, hotels however nice never being as nice as your own bed and your home with all the stuff you want and like in it. I just start to feel grim for the staff waiting on me and the whole tedious charade of tourism, looking at stuff and not having a proper connection to anything... I could go on!

I'm not saying any of this to say you're wrong. Just to offer another perspective. Fortunately my DH doesn't like holidays either. He likes time off work more than me but likes to use it to potter and do things at home with the DC. Your DH mightn't dislike holidays as much as me, but then again I'd probably make a fist of it and act like I was enjoying it when we got there if there was no option and feeling bored and trapped wouldn't help matters. You could of course ask him to do it for you, and there seems to be much more expectation on people to go on holidays even if they don't want to than on other leisure activities so perhaps you're right to push for it. But the bottom line is it's not his thing, it never will be, and it is your thing so why not just go and do your thing and let him do his and then you can both be happy, instead of your happiness depending on him putting up with a week of something - and all the lead-up aggro for your both - that clearly isn't his bag.

I feel envious of their lovely plans when all I've got to look forward to is visiting family (which is nice of course but not a holiday)

This is interesting, because I don't mind visiting family for a few days and it's what we do for 'holidays' because it's more bearable and has more meaning for me because there's some point to being in that place rather than it being random. So it makes sense to me that holiday people don't see it as a holiday. I'd bloody hate a wet week in a tent though. No idea why anyone enjoys that! Each to their own I guess...

I really really resent him for it. I’ve told him this.

Either start accepting him for who he is and compromise by going on holiday alone or risk letting your resentment corrode your relationship. I don’t think you’ve really thought through the implications of being in a relationship with someone who is attached to their job as much as your partner is, not wanting to go abroad is probably going to be the least of your issues.

Is it only holidays he's like this about?

I'd be very worried having a child with someone who won't take off work or organise anything.

I hope you've already talked to him about paternity leave.

DH is a bloody nightmare on holiday. He just wants to get up late, eat crap, and snore most of the day away in a chair. I like to be up early, do lots of walking and see different things.

I'm planning a solo break next year, just me and the dogs so I can do what I want, when I want and without having to constantly cajole someone out of their apathy.

My DH is a bit like this. I think it's a combination of 2 main things -

Finances: he worries that we should be spending money elsewhere and these days, that we'd not be earning while we're away as we're both self employed (the former is a fair point but I'd argue that sometimes we have to prioritise our own and our DC's enjoyment and mental health over getting the new cupboards installed. And for self employed issues - we're well established now and wouldn't suffer as much as we would have a few years ago).

He's not a planner or organiser: he simply cannot think ahead. This is an ongoing issue in our lives and I'm fully aware that if he was tested by a professional we would find that he has executive function issues (as does DS and, I suspect, his mother, sister and brother). So planning and committing to something 6 months or more ahead just totally freaks him out. And he very quickly gets overwhelmed by too many choices. He also gets freaked out at the idea of committing to something far ahead in case something happens. Not so much FOMO but more, for example, he'd rather have the opportunity to do an amazing training course and if that happened while he was on holiday he'd be annoyed.

So now I do all the planning and organising for our holidays. It irritates me. But I accept it. And, in his defence, once we're on holiday, he's great and he enjoys them and always comments on how brilliant they were and how much better he feels.

I guess it boils down to the need for escapism. Pottering at home with the dishwasher and pile of washing in view simply does not do it for me.

I also agree that family visits - as lovely as they are - are not a break. There's no opportunity for headspace, or full relaxation. I feel like I'm on best behaviour and making an additional effort to fit into their life, but maybe that says more about my family!

I'm very much an introvert so that may play a part in terms of wanting alone time and to escape.

Did none of you notice these traits before you got married? Presumably they have always been like this?

To be fair, in my case no, I didn't notice. During the first few years of our relationship my DH was more up for holidays so to say I've had this problem for 22 years is perhaps a little unfair. The older we have gotten, the more difficult he has become. If my 20 year old self could have looked into the future, she would have done a runner, passport in hand to the nearest airport!

OP I hope you book something and go away!

Honestly no, as I mentioned DH had limited travel experience and was initially pretty open/excited to opportunities. I initially enjoyed taking the lead in terms of plans, as I had more experience and quite enjoyed taking a tour guide role. Years later that novelty has worn off.

Also, we got together fairly young, with limited funds. So cheap and last minute short breaks were the only option and a luxury. It's only as we've gotten older that it's become more obvious that he's not keen to prioritise holidays.

@prohodilka

I'm a man in a relationship and I don't like going on holidays with my partner either. Her idea of a holiday is to visit major landmarks and tourist attractions and to eat out a lot.

My idea of a holiday is to veer off the trodden path and do everything on a budget. My idea of eating out being go into the nearest Lidl (they're everywhere) and grab a snack and eat it outside. With my method I can get to go to much longer holidays for the same money, and to cover a much wider territory and see the suburbs of the city I'm visiting up close.

Even if I go alone, staying in hostels is much cheaper than staying in hotels, I get more nights for my money, and I get to interact with other guests much better.

Yeah... this would be too cheap a holiday for me and I wouldn't enjoy it...I doubt many women would tbh.

Off to Lidl on holiday for a sandwich..... I might as well stay at home and walk on local paths.

I'd go on my own...I wouldn't even bother mentioning it to him. Book a place where you can relax and get some pregnancy spa treatments if you like thst sort of thing.

There are some holidays that people go on as individuals, designed to interact with others...but not a hook up type of thing.

I went on holidays on my own. OH would have been quite content spending his on the allotment. If I wanted to go somewhere warm it was definitely on my own as he hates heat. We spent our honeymoon in Orkney & Shetland, which was actually quite nice. He'll come if it's somewhere temperate. When the girls were toddlers I took a holiday to the Caribbean he stayed home with the girls but when I got back he'd taken them to the seaside. I had nice pictures of sunny beaches he had pictures of them eating ice cream and paddling in the sea. I decided that until they were bigger I'd holiday at the seaside with them. We had lots of days or weekends away but still any place warm I'm on my own, temperate he'll come.

He's also terrible for leaving arrangements to the last minute.

@prohodilka you sounds very superior about your own tastes and unwilling to compromise. I'm surprised she wants to go on holiday with you.

Fair enough. If they have changed then that’s tough. My mother in law has one of these who changed and he decided at the age of 65 that he didn’t want to go abroad ever again. That was it for her too as she wouldn’t leave him. God knows why. I would have done. I’d go on your own OP. I like holidaying alone.

@SandyY2K @Delinathe I know I'm a sh*te holiday companion, I didn't want to put myself as a role model. What I wanted to say is that sometimes it's difficult to get into a man's mind to understand why he doesn't want to go. You can ask him, but what if he, like me, won't give you the real reasons? I think I am sincere in the important things, but for me going on holidays is not in important thing, only an inconvenience and a waste of ££. I don't think I need to be sincere in this. Also in this case lack of sincerity kind of works for her. See, if I criticised her idea of a holiday too much, I might make her feel like she's inappropriate. I'd rather behave like a mug myself so she thinks the inappropriate one is me, and she can move on. This is because I can stand it. I don't mind criticism, among other reasons, because a lot of it is true. I might even be worse with my holidays than she thinks. So let criticisms rain on me, and now she's going on holidays with her sister which is a much better arrangement for all. If I'm going to be awkward there is no need to include me. And if they truly enjoy it their way there'll be no one there to water it down.