Is this typical of a depressed husband?

[Carla2022]

My husband has been suffering from depression for the past year.
He has no interest in spending any time with me at all. I put the kids to bed & we finally have some time to be alone together and all he wants to do is go into the spare room and play games or watch videos on his phone. I try go into him to have a chat or hopefully just spend some time together but I can see that he’s just waiting for me to leave.
Is this typical of someone with depression?
I know he’s feeling terrible within himself but I also feel completely alone & rejected.

It could be depression or he could just be one of those people who like to play on their phones/games while their partner does all the adulting.
Does he think he has a problem? Is this a massive change in his behaviour or a gradual sloping away? It could be sheer laziness or it could be something else.
Probs time to have a serious talk because this is no fun for you.

@PerseverancePays
I definitely do all the adulting :(

Gradual sloping away over a period of a year. Some work related troubles & it was all down hill from there.
He would now rather spend hours playing games on his phone in the evening than spend any time with with me or the kids.

Is he getting any help at all? My husband had a severe depressive episode a few years ago. It was incredibly hard for him - but also incredibly hard for me and his family. I eventually gave him an ultimatum that he had to go to the GP - who prescribed anti depressants, and do all the other things the GP told him to do. Exercise, get out every day, eat well etc etc.

He did all that and the fact that he was getting help made it easier for us all.

It's hard and you have to look after yourself too.

Do you think that if lots of other people do the same, you should put up with it, even if it makes you unhappy?

Yes it can be. My partner has been suffering with depression for the past 7 years and often 'zones out' watching youtube videos or reading for hours on end, I think it's partly the depression and partly the anti depressants.
Being with somebody who has depression can be very lonely and frustrating at times, I often feel invisible and more of a carer than a partner, so I completely understand how you feel.
Make sure you have a support network, people you can talk to who won't judge, make sure you take time for yourself and carry on doing the things that you enjoy (you will have to be selfish at times), you need to look after your own mental health too!

@Watchkeys
No I don’t think that. I was just wondering if this would be considered part of his depression and it could possibly change one day, or if he’s just lost interest in me completely and I should move on.

My husband has been suffering from depression for the past year.

To be clear - do you know he is depressed because he has seen a doctor/therapist etc or are you making this call based on his behaviour?

Either way, what is HE doing to manage his depression? Because poor mental health is not an excuse for treating your loved ones badly. If he's leaving all the work to you, refusing to spend time with you/the DC etc, then he's not much of a partner and it's time to move on.

@welshrainbow1
Thats exactly how I feel, like a carer rather than a partner a lot of the time.
Then occasionally he’ll have a good day and seem ‘back to normal’.
It’s just hard to deal with, I miss him so much.

@Triffid1

Yes he is clinically depressed & has seen a psychiatrist/on medication but it hasn’t done much.

He’s not actively trying to help himself though. I’ve tried everything I can to support him. Most of all I just miss him. It feels like such a long time since he’s been himself now. It feels like we are so seperate, my kids & myself are one family and then there’s him .

It may or may not be part of his depression, but his depression is part of him. It's part of what he offers you, and may offer you at any time.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? If so, what did he say? If not, what is it that stops you?

So he’s diagnosed as having depression? His meds aren’t working. He needs to go back to who prescribed it. Has he had CBT?

Supporting him shouldn't mean that you completely lose yourself. If medication isn't working, he needs to try a different type of medication. Is he having therapy - he should be discussing lack of progress with his therapist.

You say you do everything with kids, "adulting" etc. What happens if you tell him that you need him to do x or y? Is he working?

If he's completely disengaged from his children and you then quite frankly, having him in the house is not helpful. I'd also say that if he's so depressed that he can't function then you need more severe intervention. I have a close family member with severe, long term depression. Two things stand out about him: 1. He is constantly unhappy and stressed by all the things he doesn't want to do/can't do. He feels guilty and sad and is constantly trying and 2. he may struggle to motivate/be proactive, but he can and does force himself to do the things that have to be done, in particular for his children.

@Overthewine

Definitely situational - career related.
He has been very successful & well respected in his career but has had quite a few setbacks that have been out of his control.

I know it doesn’t look work like this, but I just wish his family were more important & motivating than a job.

Unless you've suffered with depression or been around somebody who does, I think it's hard to fully understand how difficult it is to deal with. It's not just a case of 'pull yourself together' it's a complex illness that is often misunderstood.
It completely changes the person that you love and the dynamics of your relationship but with time and the right help, it can improve.
Has he acknowledged that he's struggling? Has he been to see his GP?

@welshrainbow1
I’m hoping it can improve, it’s been a very long year for all of us. I gave birth to our 3rd child a couple of months after it all began and have felt so alone in that.

Yes, he’s seen a psychiatrist & is on medication - not helping though so needs a review.

@Watchkeys
Yes I’ve spoken to him about it, he just tells me it’s nothing personal to do with me, it’s him & how he’s feeling and playing the games/being alone is how he escapes.

Yes he has been diagnosed with depression. His meds definitely aren’t working and he needs a review.
He hasn’t had CBT but he definitely should!

He definitely needs a new medication & to start seeing a therapist.

He is working sometimes, he’s trying to get back into work but struggling. A lot of the time that he is home he is just lying in bed watching videos or playing games. I avoid asking him to do much because I can see things are a struggle for him.

He’s generally disengaged but occasionally will have a good day. He does try to get our 4 year old into whatever game he is playing on his phone.

Yes I’ve spoken to him about it, he just tells me it’s nothing personal to do with me, it’s him & how he’s feeling and playing the games/being alone is how he escapes.

Well sure... that makes sense. I read or watch bad tv as my way to escape and unwind. But he's an adult. And a father. So he doesn't get to just choose to do these things over all other things, all the time. If work has been difficult is he still going or is he literally just sitting at home all day, every day? And if he's at work, how come he can pull himself together enough to function there but not at home?

Poor mental health is not an excuse for abuse. Refusing to take part in anything, leaving you to do everything, not engaging with his dc are all, in my opinion, a strong step in the direction of being abusive.

As in unhappy with me?
I guess because he doesn’t want to spend time with me then yes, being unhappy at home is a possibility.

We were completely best friends in our relationship and until this work stuff started happening there were no issues.

I have asked him multiple times does he want to separate, is he unhappy in our relationship etc. because it feels completely personal but he says that it isn’t.

I can imagine how hard it's been for you.
It's good that he's got help, that's the first step!
Getting the right medication can be trial and error, it took us over a year to find a medication / dose that actually helped my partner start to cope, so it maybe that you need to look at other medications. If something is not working push to try something else!
Once he's settled on a medication / getting help, with time things can improve but only if he wants them to.
It's not easy, it will effect you all as a family but I can't stress enough how important a support network is and how imperative it is that you look after yourself too. Wishing you the best of luck.

I don’t feel like he’s being abusive, but I do feel like we are being neglected.

He shouldn’t get to choose to do these things over all other things, but he does :(

He has started a new job, I think he’s only just pulling himself together to do it.

I’m sorry that you have first hand had to experience a similar situation
Thank you so much for your advice.