Is this typical of a depressed husband?

[Carla2022]

My husband has been suffering from depression for the past year.
He has no interest in spending any time with me at all. I put the kids to bed & we finally have some time to be alone together and all he wants to do is go into the spare room and play games or watch videos on his phone. I try go into him to have a chat or hopefully just spend some time together but I can see that he’s just waiting for me to leave.
Is this typical of someone with depression?
I know he’s feeling terrible within himself but I also feel completely alone & rejected.

And does he consider your feelings at all? Or when you speak to him, do only his feelings matter?

Im sorry that you all had to go through that & glad that he got some help!
How long did the depressive episode last?

The guy is ill & some people think his wife should just walk away? This is not within his control, & most people understand the commitment to stay with & support an unwell spouse.

People shouldn't stay in unhappy relationships just because their partner is ill. Not that they should immediately leave, but there are limits.

It's very easy to take their behavior personally but he's probably feeling equally as frustrated and as overwhelmed as you. People with depression also feel exhausted, so work is probably all he can't cope with some days. On his good days try and get out as a family and do something that you all enjoy.
Try and separate your husband and who you know he is, from the depression. He's sought help so he must want to get better and the fact that he's going to work is a positive sign.

He has a psychiatrist who has provided the medication but is he doing ANYTHING besides taking medication (that isn't working)? Does he spend time with the psychiatrist in counselling or just updates on medication? Is he doing any of the things that people with depression are told to do - sleep, exercise, eat healthily etc? Is he getting regular reviews of his medication because a year seems a LONG time to be on something that isn't working. You've already said he's not having any other therapy.

I am not saying you're being abused. But I am saying that if he refuses to seek help for his health problems and as a result you and your DC suffer, then yes, that's abusive behaviour.

The guy is ill & some people think his wife should just walk away?

No, people are saying that if he is not willing to do anything to help himself get better, then she should consider walking away. I was struggling - felt tired, down, irritable etc etc etc.... DH bore the brunt of it because I was miserable.

I called my GP. Did lots of tests. Discovered various deficiencies, most notably iron and vitamin D. Took the supplements. Made an effort with other things such as sleep, stress, health, diet. Felt better. I did all that for myself but ALSO for my family. Depression is much much harder and more complex, but that's not an excuse to simply opt out.

It always interests me how often women come on here, clearly suffering from absolutely crippling PND, and yet.... they are still doing all kinds of things to make sure that their families survive and even thrive, including looking after the baby who, as a result of the PND, they often feel little or no emotion for.

And yet, a man with depression of any sort.... god forbid anyone should expect him to actually DO anything.

Sympathy for someone with depression should not equal allowing someone to consistently treat you badly.

A lot of people on ADs report that even though they don't feel 'sad' or hopeless anymore, they feel....well, nothing. Numb, disengaged, outside of their life. If that's how he feels, while he may know cognitively that he loves you and the children he may not be able to feel the feelings, which are the motivation to be close to you all.
What you need to remember though is its not that his job was more important, or that you're not enough to make him happy and work was. Its that work issues triggered an illness that is now making it hard for him to participate in his family life.
Its possible a different medication might be better, but much as its comforting to think doctors can fix it, in reality, it can be difficult to get decent quality care unless you can pay for it, and even then its not a magic wand. Unfortunately with services as they are, if a person is medicated to a point where they are functional and not about to harm themselves, that's often considered good enough.
I think your priority needs to be to look after yourself and your life. As people have said, build a support network so you can cope without his input and make opportunities to enjoy your own life.

Thanks for your advice @5128gap
Everything you have said feels relevant & makes complete sense.

@MsMarch
No, he really isn’t doing much else to help himself.
Definitely needs a medication review & to engage in therapy - plus all the other things you’ve mentioned.

Hiya . Often just a lurker but this post resonates a lot . My husband suffers from psychotic depression and auditory hallucinations. This has been ongoing for two years, we have had a few different medications changes and two inpatient hospital stays. We have five children two of whom are autistic and I am there full time carer. Your feelings are valid and your mental health does not come second to anyone else’s. You are a person within your own rights and are allowed to feel how you feel . The hardest thing in the world is to keep your own head above water while others don’t. My husband disengages, spends hours in bed, shows no affection and can be cruel to me. Many times I have told him I am done and can’t do this anymore as my mental health is struggling and when he is lucid he acknowledges it to some degree when he isn’t he couldn’t care less. I never get an apology for how he treats me while in his depression. Not much advice but just remember you matter . I want to write more but have no time school run but will pop back sending love x