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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So confused - mental health problems

28 replies

Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 18:44

I’m a first time mum, my little one is 18 months old. I’ve always suffered with mental health problems but lately it’s been really bad. My confidence is in pieces, I’ve started avoided leaving the house and sometimes, despite how blessed I know I am with my son, I feel like giving up.

im in a relationship but it’s not great. He says that my mental health problems are boring, he’s fed up of me being anxious. I’m always being called a looney, saying I’m like characters off the TV or movies that we watch that are messed up. He says I’m boring, that I’m getting fatter by the day, that I’m always miserable, and that if I don’t sort myself out I’ll put it on my son and make him sick too.

im on medication and most of the time I feel ok, but lately the problems in my relationship are really getting to me and I literally feel like my head is broken.

anyone else feel like this? I feel so alone.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 24/05/2022 18:50

It sounds like your partner is not helpful to your mental health is there a way you could spend some time apart and reassess if you actually want to be in the relationship/see how your mental health is when he is not around to make you feel worse about yourself.

I will put a slight benefit of the doubt his way as living with someone with mental health issues is very very taxing. I know I had to have counselling myself just to learn to live with DHs mental health problems. It may be that he needs educating around mental health and how to support someone.

Only you can know if he is actually a good guy who needs help to support you or an actual twat that you just need to remove from your life.

Original poster
Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 18:53

i used to think he was a good guy but lately he is just so cruel. I break down in tears and at that moment instead of comforting me, he’ll instead tell me to woman up, get a grip and tell me to stop being a drip. He says I’m weak, we don’t cuddle or kiss anymore and he’s always critical about what I wear.

im worried he may have met someone else as as well as being cruel to me he doesn’t seem interested in looking after our son and he’s drinking more than he ever has and he’s always on his phone. I just need a hug and he just ignores me.

my friend says he’s gaslighting but I just don’t know, I feel like I’m broken.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 24/05/2022 18:54

@Hellocatshome

He says that my mental health problems are boring, he’s fed up of me being anxious. I’m always being called a looney, saying I’m like characters off the TV or movies that we watch that are messed up. He says I’m boring, that I’m getting fatter by the day, that I’m always miserable, and that if I don’t sort myself out I’ll put it on my son and make him sick too.

Um no, this is not a good guy at all.

Struggling to live with someone with mental health issues is understandable as caters fatigue is a real thing.

But making remarks about them being 'mad', calling them fat and boring, accusing them of being a risk to their son's health...

He's abusive, without doubt.

Im so sorry OP. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with how much your mental health improves by leaving an abusive relationship Flowers

Mabelface · 24/05/2022 18:56

Your mental health would improve massively if you got shot of this turd in the guise of a man. He's horrible and you deserve so much better.

wellhelloitsme · 24/05/2022 18:56

Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 18:53

i used to think he was a good guy but lately he is just so cruel. I break down in tears and at that moment instead of comforting me, he’ll instead tell me to woman up, get a grip and tell me to stop being a drip. He says I’m weak, we don’t cuddle or kiss anymore and he’s always critical about what I wear.

im worried he may have met someone else as as well as being cruel to me he doesn’t seem interested in looking after our son and he’s drinking more than he ever has and he’s always on his phone. I just need a hug and he just ignores me.

my friend says he’s gaslighting but I just don’t know, I feel like I’m broken.

Oh love I wish I could scoop you up and give you a hug.

You're in an abusive relationship and when you leave him, you'll be able to breathe and start working on yourself.

Being away from an abuser is a way to improve your mental health.

He has you ground down and confused which, contrary to his remarks that he wishes you weren't how you are, is exactly where he wants you.

Your life doesn't have to look like this forever Flowers

Hellocatshome · 24/05/2022 18:57

@Newmumoct20 ok he sounds like a twat I would definitely recommend time away and reconsider the relationship.

Wolfiefan · 24/05/2022 18:57

It is very common for abusers to show their true colours after a baby is born. He’s being unsupportive and downright nasty. Plus he sounds like a drunk. Time to make an exit plan. You deserve better.

BlanketsBanned · 24/05/2022 19:01

He aounds a nasty cruel bully, whats the set up at home with the properry. Are you financially able to manage without this horrible person in your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2022 19:01

He is abusive towards you and in turn your son. This is no environment for either of you to be living in. He likely targeted you to abuse because of your mental health issues, he is that much of a lowlife. I would also think you will feel a lot better if this individual was not in your day to day life.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Would you be able to speak to Womens Aid ? . Alternatively you can go into Boots and ask for ANI, the staff will then direct you to a private consultation booth where you can access domestic violence support services. Where are your own family here?. I ask only as you do not mention them.

Original poster
Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 19:03

I’ve honestly never felt so helpless and alone. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and I don’t know what is going on, he says all these things then lovebombs, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, he’s just a bully.

he left twice already, once while I was pregnant, and then in the summer last year when my little boy was 10 months old and I took him back in October cos he said we should try again but I’m scared it was just a huge mistake and now I’m stuck and if we split up he’s said he will use my mental health issues to get all the access he wants. While I was pregnant he told me to sort my head out or he’d get my son taken off me altogether and that fear has never left.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 19:04

It’s my home, mortgaged but just to me as I had already bought it before I met him and he moved in

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 19:06

I don’t have a great relationship with my
family, they don’t understand my mental health issues. I feel really alone. I shut nearly all my friends out, putting a brave face on pushing people away

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/05/2022 19:06

That’s a deliberate tactic. He wants to make you feel shit then pull you back in. He wants you not to know which way is up. same reason he split and came back.
He is a nasty piece of work.
He is only saying that about your MH to scare you. It’s bollocks. You’ve engaged with GP or whoever? You’re on meds and tracking how you feel? Then there is no problem is there?

Wolfiefan · 24/05/2022 19:07

You have your own house. You can build your own support system. You deserve SO much better OP.

BlanketsBanned · 24/05/2022 19:08

Your doctor may be able to help you, it wouldnt hurt to speak to them, do you have a community mental health worker. He needs to leave the house, he is blackmailing and threatening you into letting him stay. Do you have family and friends to support you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2022 19:08

He is all hot air but men like he say such things to keep their target, in this case you, fearful and in line. It works as a tactic and that is why he says such things, he really does want absolute power and control over you.

He is not bothered with or about his son and will furthermore use his kid as a weapon against you. He cares only for his own stupid self, not his boy and certainly not you. He does not have the power he thinks he does to take his son off you, he just wants you to believe that he does. Find it within yourself to escape your abuser, your son will also thank you for doing that.

BlanketsBanned · 24/05/2022 19:11

What does he do all day apart from insult you and drink, does he work, pay any bills, help around the house, look after your son.

Original poster
Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 19:14

He works and he pays towards bills but he has other children too. He helps with our child but only if I ask and he huffs about it first. His family haven’t spoken to me since he left last summer, they don’t help with my son at all, it’s all just really sad

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 24/05/2022 19:21

Who has custody of his other kids, do they live with you too.

Original poster
Newmumoct20 · 24/05/2022 19:23

They live with their mum, they are older from his marriage, he is with them every other weekend but not here, so every other weekend I’m on my own and it’s hard work and I feel really lonely

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 24/05/2022 19:25

It can feel lonely, is there support and toddler groups where you live.

PranaMum · 24/05/2022 21:39

This reply has been deleted

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2022 21:44

The surest way things will change for the better for the OP is to get her abuser out of her house. He is basically leeching off the OP and I doubt very much his relationship with his ex and his older children is at all a good one.

Original poster
Newmumoct20 · 26/05/2022 20:50

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know I got a decision to make, we don’t get on and even today he’s been saying I’m getting fatter by the day and have let myself go, it’s hard when my confidence is already on the floor. Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/05/2022 21:11

You don’t get on.
It isn’t going to last.