Please help me word this message to my long term partner

[Aelia]

My brain is mush right now with work deadlines and relationship issues. If someone could help me articulate what is in my head right now I'd be very grateful!

Background is me and DP have been together for 16 years. DC.

Five years ago I developed an autoimmune skin condition which causes me to look 'different'. The patches on my skin cannot be covered up well and people do stare. I've run the gamut of emotions about this, swinging from acceptance to sorrow and pain to jealousy of 'normal' people to being happy in my own skin and back again.

My DP has never said anything of any substance of how he feels about the change in my appearance. He has said "I wouldn't leave you for it" and if pushed "It doesn't bother me" , but he just won't communicate more. He's never been one for communicating at all, it's like he is scared of communication.

We keep arguing about it, when someone stares at me - to me the look on his face is shame, ashamed of me, and this hurts. I say that. He denies it and says he didn't look ashamed, it's in my head, I am attacking him with my issues, and gets angry.

Tbh I think the truth is somewhere in the middle.

We are trying to hash things out and I want to explain that I don't feel comfortable with him because I know he is conflict avoidant and wouldn't give me the truth or be open, to try avoid conflict. That this approach just makes me shut off completely, because I know I won't get any answers as to how he really feels.

The way I worded that sounds like an attack on him, as he puts it - how can I word it to get through to him what I mean but without sounding blame-y and like I am calling him a liar??

"I wouldn't leave you for it" is not the most helpful or reassuring of responses is it?

It was put in a way that sounded as if he's considered leaving you for it, and decided against - even if that's not true, that's how it must have felt to hear it.

We shouldn't have to worry about our partners ever think of leaving us, especially for something as (literally) skin deep as something that has changed your appearance.

We should be able to trust that the people we love, love us, for more than what they see, and if something (completely out of our control) should change how we look, then it shouldn't impact the way they feel about us.

We should also be able to rely on our partners to support us, when we're going through life changing, or self-image changing issues in our life.

Whether he looks 'ashamed' or not is not the point, the point is that you deserve love and support through difficult times, just as you'd love and support him.

Maybe it doesn’t bother him, and he’s not “ashamed” or “embarrassed” .

Maybe he’s being honest, and you are pushing him to say something that you want to hear, rather than just accept he’s telling the truth.

Is it hard to believe him, because it’s at odds with what you think about yourself ?

You are calling him a liar - dress it up anyway you want, but that’s what you are saying.

I am a bit confused by your post. So you are self concious about your skin condition, and your DP is you feel avoiding telling you he is ashamed of you?

I imagine the change is massive for him as well as you, but why are you pushing him to basically insult you? How will hearing from him that he is 'ashamed' (your words not his) of you going to help? You also sound like you are basically telling him how he feels, which must be highly fustrating for him.

By the basis of what i can understand, this does sound like a you issue. You are (understandably) self concious of your new appearance, and are noticing peoples reactions. But are then focusing on how your DP is reacting, and pushing him into basically making you feel like shit to cement how you feel about yourself.

He sounds like he is trying to be supportive, not avoidant. He must be very aware of your self confidence issues and doesnt want to make it worse.

You need to focus on your own self esteem, instead of creating a wedge between you and your DP.

But he has communicated it!! It seems like you WANT him to say you look bad or he wants to leave your or something??? I’m sure his very fine with it as he knows you as the PERSON you are!!

Also, not to be blunt, but when you love someone and you live with them an appearance issue becomes so normal and familiar to you that you “don’t see it anymore” after a while.

hope that makes sense.

Are you sure it's shame, OP? It could just be a general feeling of discomfort that someone is staring.

I think proper counselling for the two of you would be better than writing a letter.

It reads to me like you have turned your husband into your personal whipping boy for your problems and it is cruel of you.

Why can't you believe him?

Sometimes we see expressions on people's faces that just aren't there because we've convinced ourselves we know what they really think.

Maybe he's upset for you when people stare. Or angry with them. Or empathising because he knows full well how they are making you feel .

You want him to agree with you that you look awful because that's how you feel.

Maybe he has told you how he feels. - That it doesn't bother him and he wouldn't leave you because of it.

Are you wishing he would tell you you're beautiful and gushy stuff like that?

You say you've run the gamut of emotions about your condition. Maybe he has too. He's human not some robot that can be programmed to feel 'fine' about things you yourself find distressing. If your emotions about this are allowed to fluctuate, why aren't his?

Maybe he does feel shame or embarrassment when people stare. Maybe he does wish your skin was not noticeable so people don't look. Does that mean he doesn't fight this reaction in himself, or that he doesn't love you as much?

You have to be 100% secure in your own feelings about the condition, so that you know you are not projecting your own shame or insecurity onto him. If you still have work to do on long-term self-acceptance I'd focus on this first.

Thank you all for the replies.

I do understand what some of you mean when you say I am being unfair on him. I do get that.

However I don't think this is all on me.

I'll try and explain more.

DP is MAJORLY, MAJORLY avoidant. He has been throughout our whole relationship. It's a running theme. In fact, he has been his whole life I think.

Some examples -

Years before me, he had a girlfriend for 2 years. He left the relationship by ghosting her.

In our relationship, when we came to moving in together, he was okay at the very start, but then started staying late at work and going out with friends or to visit his mum, and there was a period of months where he was barely around. He swore that there was no underlying reason for this at the time. Eventually, ages later, it came out that he had been struggling with becoming a step parent to my DD who was around 4 at the time. He never said a word at the time.

There are countless other examples.

He will visibly squirm at any kind of discussion.

I know that at times I am being unreasonable and attacking him with insecurities, however it is this avoidance which is making me really insecure that he really does accept my condition, and it is stopping me from being able to relax in the relationship.

I feel like I need to find a way to word this without sounding blaming or creating further conflict. We are in a mess right now and I really, really, want to fix things.

But the thing is you can only go on what he is willing to tell you. If he says he is not ashamed you can either choose to believe him or not. But if you don’t believe him you can’t force him. We can never really know what others are thinking. If he was acting ashamed or treating you cruelly that would be different but it seems at the moment he can’t win.

Yeah. It's becoming a huge problem, because I know that he would not tell me.

So I don't think I will ever be able to feel secure, no matter how long we have been together. I really love him, and we have a great relationship in most ways. This is just absolutely poisoning it, and it is such a shame because other big issues we have managed to get through. He is putting all the blame on me, and I do get that, but he isn't acknowledging that he is so avoidant that it makes it genuinely really difficult to believe him or to relax and let go. It's seeping into our sex life too, as well as our social life.

Pushing this is a lose - lose situation.

Either you are upset because you don’t believe him when he says it doesn’t bother him, or inevitably upset if he changes his story and says it does bother him.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go about trying to fix this?

Baring in mind he is so avoidant and won't open up or talk at all, and also he is so sick of me 'making issues' out of it. It's like we are stuck. I cannot open up to him or relax with him either.

Cannot afford counselling. I get individual counselling through the NHS for other stuff, and I work on acceptance every day. Sometimes I feel okay and other times I have a wobble. It's been 5 years. I just wish the relationship stuff would settle. A few months ago I started wearing hats if it's sunny to try 'hide' a little of my face with the brim and he looked at me strangely and said why are you doing that, when we were on the way to see friends, as if he didn't like the hat look. It's the closest he's got to saying anything.

Tbh what would happen if he did admit that he didnt like the way you looked and he was ashamed ....i'm interested to know what you would do if he admitted that was how he felt.

If he does feel that way, i don't imagine its a feeling he willingly wants or chooses to feel and I expect if he does then he feels ashamed about it. And if he does feel that way he is still choosing that he wants to be with you and he isn't avoiding going places with you. Maybe it's difficult for him to have people stare at you, most likely because he feels sad and bad for you because he knows how much it upsets you and how self conscious it makes you feel....maybe thats the look on his face not shame.

Blaming him for something thats not in his control then accusing him of not telling you the truth because he is 'avoiding' conflict is not helping the situation.

i just think no decent human would EVER admit they felt that way about a condition their partner had and to try and force him to admit it is just not nice on your part.

sorry you are feeling like this

Oh and PS i did the same when i moved in with my now husband over becoming step parent to his child. I spent a long time avoiding it and making excuses to not be there .... this was on me and a struggle i was having....I certainly would never of told my husband the reason why at the time as i would in no way have wanted him to think i had a problem with his son as i really didn't it was just me coming to terms with a new way if living

He can’t win here, can he? You don’t believe your skin condition doesn’t affect him no matter how much he reassures you. If he turned round today and said it did bother him you would would be angry at him for lying to you, laced with a big dollop of, ‘Hah, I told you so’. More widely, if sounds like he’s doing or saying things because he doesn’t want to upset you.

I think this is one of those situations where it's hard to imagine what it's like, unless you've been in it yourself.

My DP has never said anything of any substance of how he feels about the change in my appearance.

I feel it's not actually a skin/appearance issue, it's a communication/honesty issue.

People will focus on the skin/appearance but it seems like you want advice on how to encourage your DH to be open and honest with you. People will say "well it would hurt your feelings if he was honest which is why he isn't saying anything, stop pushing it". But perhaps you're pushing it because you want honesty and you would actually prefer him to say something like "yes you look different and yes it took me a while but now I don't notice it" etc etc. Him refusing to discuss it is making it a "taboo" subject and making you feel worse, maybe?

I can't really advise on how to get him to do that as I'm not much good at relationship advice, but maybe you could phrase it as from a neutral viewpoint, eg you want honesty not avoidance. It would be good if you could just get to have a clear, honest open conversation and that would "close it down" and it wouldn't be an ongoing issue, which would be a relief for you as well as him.

I'm not much practical help really, but I just wanted to add a bit of solidarity as i have been in a similar situation and it's hard. I think some posters are focusing on the wrong thing here, and thinking it's about your appearance and avoidance of hurt feelings when it isn't at all. It's about communication and honesty. I hope you sort it and there is some useful advice from MNers.

Have you had counselling about the skin issue?

It does sound like your picking a fight. Being avoidant is an ok coping strategy for some people. He obviously managed to work round his feelings about being a step parent. Some people need to do stuff like that on their own. We're not all comfortable with baring our souls all the time.

Thinking about it a bit more, perhaps a "casual" conversation in a neutral relaxed setting would help? Texts aren't good as they're not natural conversation, IMO. Are you able to go out just the two of you?

It sounds like he would hate the "scheduled sit down and have a planned big talk" approach (as would I ) but if you went for dinner and rather than leaning across the table and saying "let's talk about my skin!!" you could mention something you have been thinking about (a new skin cream or make up, that kind of thing?) and say something like (informal and not rehearsed, natural speech of course)

"I know I keep asking you about it but it's because I don't feel like you are being honest with me and it hurts and worries me that you won't even discuss it. It's not about your opinion on my skin so much now, it's about you respecting my feelings that there is an issue I would like to discuss but you just keep closing me down. Please don't worry about hurting my feelings, as it already hurts that you won't talk to me! Could you just be honest with me and tell me how you feel? If we could just get it out in the open and discuss it then I won't keep coming back to it which isn't good for you or me, it'll be done and we can move on"

Good relationships need honesty and trust, if he won't communicate with you, you can't have that.

I know that at times I am being unreasonable and attacking him with insecurities, however it is this avoidance which is making me really insecure that he really does accept my condition, and it is stopping me from being able to relax in the relationship

Recognise that the fact that this issue exists is a sign that the relationship is unhealthy. You don't need to solve this problem, you need to get away from it. You don't trust him, and that's because he has lied in the past. And yet, you seem to think that your response is what's at fault, rather than his behaviour.

Trust your responses. You have instincts and feelings for a reason. They're not just a pesky annoyance, they're who you are, they are the difference between happy-you and sad-you. Choose to be around people with whom you feel safe and loved, and you will spend your life feeling safe and loved. Choose to be around people with whom you feel insecure and self questioning, and you will spend your life feeling insecure and self questioning. It's your responsibility to put yourself in places and with people where you can have a life feeling the way you want. It isn't your responsibility to squash your natural instincts in order that you can be around people you feel rubbish with.

Sorry but this is all on you and your issues. You push and push him to talk to you about your appearance and try and make him say he doesn’t find you attractive so you can feel like you are right. He has told you he doesn’t see anything wrong with you. You need more counselling and fast. You will lose this man if you carry on. The only person embarrassed by you is you and you need to work on targeting that.

stop picking fights with him. Being avoidant isn’t a bad thing either he has spoken to you about what he feels and maybe if you didn’t badger him all the time he’d open up more rather then avoid the subject.

A man who hasn't been able to express his emotions well for 16 years isn't going to suddenly be able to on the back on one well-written message. There are no magic words that are going to turn him into someone he isn't. But besides, it sounds like he is telling you how he feels. He is telling you that he isn't bothered by it, but you are determined that he isn't telling the truth. Could you not just accept what he is saying? Why are you so sure that he can't be okay with it? It sounds like this is more your issue than his. Have you had or would you consider counselling for this?

This is a you problem.

No matter what he says, you either won't believe him or his answer will hurt your feelings.

Are you pushing him away for some reason?

He has always been like this. Why is it so important for him to change his entire approach to communication at this point in the relationship?

I don't think anything he says will be what you want to hear, honestly. Whatever he says will never be the response you're looking for. The bloke can't win.

You need therapy to help you deal with all of the issues you have with your condition. Projecting your emotions onto him isn't helping anything, and it's definitely not fair to him.

The Truth is: It does bother him
He tells you it's ok: You don't believe him and get more angry
He tells you it bothers him: You get angry with him for lying for years

OR

The Truth is: It doesn't bother him
He tells you it's ok: You don't believe him and get more angry
He tells you it bothers him: You get angry with him for "lying" for years

There is no where he can turn to salvage your relationship. You are on a road that leads to destruction whichever way he turns. If you insist on getting to the 'truth' regardless of how he actually feels then you appear to be aiming for the death of your relationship.
He sees your face far more than you do - he probably doesn't even register it most of the time since it's part of his daily life.

The fact is he has stayed with you and told you that he still loves you and wants to be with you.
The only question that remains is do you want to still be with him ? If so, stop trying to find a crime that may never have happened.

I think the problem is you want someone to reassure you and make you feel loved and his poor communication skills and lack of emotional openness mean you're not getting that at all. You also know he lies to avoid difficult conversations as he has previously done so and as a result you cannot just take what he says at face value. I don't think it's a you problem at all.

I've been through similar with my OH who it turns out ticks all the boxes for covert/vulnerable narcissism (not saying yours does, there was a lot more than this to it) but I totally understand how hard it is to be with someone who gives you nothing, avoids any discussion of any depth, seems emotionally shut down and lies/denies to avoid any remotely serious/difficult situation. I was in the sort of limbo you are now in for years where I wasn't getting anything I needed emotionally but I thought I should just accept him for who he was. Turned out things were 1000 times worse than I had any idea about but that's a whole other story.

He cannot give you what you need IMO though OP so where do you go from here?