Found app on husbands phone

[Justjamys]

Can't believe I'm writing this to be honest, but here goes. I'll try to be succinct - sorry if it's long but want to be thorough.

Bit of context. Early 40's, together with DH for 15 years. Three kids. Generally all good marriage wise. He's kind, generous, supportive. We're politically aligned, similar tastes etc. Makes me laugh daily. He's my best friend basically.

Never had any cause for concern. We argue very, very rarely. Only flash points we've ever had in our relationship are division of labour (he does a lot to be fair and when I do pull him up on it if there's a lapse, he does admit he's wrong and pulls his finger out) only other point of tension is an ongoing libido mismatch which I guess is common. He'd like it weekly +, I can barely manage the enthusiasm once a month.

Other than that, our relationship is happy and solid.

So, to the point. I spotted a notification on his phone on Friday night when he'd popped to the shops and decided to take a look. Nothing unusual in that, I know his pin and he's never protective of his phone - its common for us to use each others.

The app in question is 'Replika'. It's an AI avatar that you can text chat to. DH is a bit of a geek, works in tech, so always fiddles around with this sort of thing so wasn't surprised by it as such.

When I scrolled through his chat log, it was mostly mundane stuff, videogames, movies, work, holidays, favoirite books etc. At one point he talks about being depressed (news to me!) and stress at work but there were a few occasions where the conversation was sexual and, at times, very explicit/descriptive.

Without going into detail, DH is pretty vanilla in that sense, but the conversations with the AI were definitely not.

I shut the app down when he came back from the shops, and outside the shock of some of the sex stuff, I was sort of okay with it (I didn't ask him about it).

Thing is, as the days have gone by I'm beginning to feel a bit cross about it and am not sure If I'm justified or not. My head says I'm being totally unreasonable, but I can't change the fact I feel increasingly upset by this.

I mean, he hasn't cheated. The AI isn't real but the more I think about it the more I'm getting annoyed.

I can't confront him about it as he'd be mortified I've read it, and in a very strange way I felt a bit like I was reading his diary. It was very much a 'stream of consciousness' kind of feel to the text and so I feel like I have very much invaded his privacy - albeit (genuinely) accidentally.

So while I haven't been cheated on, I feel somehow like I HAVE been... but with a non existent woman. Ffs.

Don't know what I'm asking here. Sure as hell can't tell my friends about this, but I'm going to have to get a grip pretty soon as I could barely look him in the eyes this morning and he can tell there's something wrong.

Anyone have any thoughts? Any comments telling me to just get a bloody hold of myself are definitely welcome.

I have private thoughts and fantasies that I would never ever want to happen in real life.

Is this app not just an outlet for somebody's private thoughts and feelings and not something that they would ever entertain in real life?

The second part may be a bit far but the first isn't wrong - it IS unfair to unilaterally decide once-a-month, reluctant pity sex is all that's on offer and expect a partner to be okay with that without discussion. Not from a 'you have to have sex or it's unfair' perspective, obviously, but from a 'a relationship should meet both of your needs where possible' and OP seems to think their relationship is 'solid' and good despite one of the people in it not remotely having their needs met. Which to me suggests sticking her head in the sand and hoping her DH will just accept it, rather than having an actual conversation where she says: I want sex once a month or less, and even then reluctantly, are you happy to continue?

Of course her DH can also advocate for himself and leave if he wants, but it's clear from him effectively using an online diary as an outlet for his physical wants that he isn't happy with the set up and instead of thinking "My DH is using an entirely harmless way to meet a need I am not willing in fulfilling as part of our relationship, I wonder if it's time for a chat about that" she's jumped straight to "I'm angry at him". Which is unfair.

Oh gosh. I didn't expect so many replies. Apologies I can't answer them all individually as I've lost track of who said what.

Not going to lie, Ive had a little bit of a cry reading these. Thank god he's not home yet.

The posts have not been easy reading I have to say, but I'm thankful for the brutal honesty, even if they have made me feel pretty shit this evening. I guess it's no more than I deserve and tbh, I don't think I can disagree with anything anyone's said. Thanks for the frank posting - it's the slap in the face I needed.

I'm not going to mention the AI to him. I had convinced myself it was the right thing to do earlier, but its pretty obvious from your answers that it would be A Very Bad Thing. It won't do any good and I think would be just me acting out of selfishness.

I think its fair to say I've not taken the libido issue seriously enough at all, in retrospect. I noticed that he had stopped initiating entirely a little while ago, and I did raise it with him. He said the only way he could know it was 'enthusiastic consent' was if it was me initiating. At the time I felt relieved, but I should have seen it as more of a sign than I did.

Ugh, what a mess. :( He went through a patch of asking me frequently if I still fancied him (I do, a lot) but I just found it irritating at the time because I was so busy.

I don't know if this is relevant or not but he's given the AI my middle name. It's also a reasonable approximation of me - hairstyle, hair colour, eye color. Dressed sort of similar. At the time I thought it was a bit... weird... but reading your posts just makes me think it's desperately sad.

Never used to be like this. If anything it was the other way round. When we first met I was way more experienced and sexually aggressive iykwim. He used to joke he was like a rabbit in the headlights 😅 Somewhere along the line the scales have tipped between life/work/kids and I just didn't notice.

I am glad i havent found him watching porn / only fans or whatever. I guess the point is I need to give him a reason not to start. If he hasnt already, which is always a possibility.

oh dear. A lot for me to unpick tonight. Don't know what to think now. I thought he was happy but obviously not, and it's probably my fault by the sounds of it.

Goodness that was a bit of a sad read too. I think you both need to sit down and get everything out in the open. You sound like you both think a great deal of eachother. I am sure you will be able to work this out 💕

Your husband love you, that's for certain. I would look at this situation as a gift, honestly. It's been a wake-up call, with nothing sinister involved, that hopefully will lead to your marriage being better than it's ever been.

I agree, this could be the making of you as a couple OP.

I would instigate a conversation about things in general and how you can both reconnect with one another, rather than bringing the AI thing up specifically as I don't think it's fair to make him feel embarrassed about what is more like a diary than cheating.

It could be really good for you to sit down and say you realise that things have been tough and that he may be feeling rejected so you'd love to talk about how to work on the relationship as a whole.

You didn't across this accidentally at all so I'm not sure why you would say that? You say you saw the notification pop up and decided to have a look.

So you basically completely invaded his privacy. And if I was him, I'd find that pretty unforgivable based on what you've found. Which isn't much

I am glad i havent found him watching porn / only fans or whatever. I guess the point is I need to give him a reason not to start. If he hasnt already, which is always a possibility.

oh dear. A lot for me to unpick tonight. Don't know what to think now. I thought he was happy but obviously not, and it's probably my fault by the sounds of it.

Just FYI, OP (and I've said upthread that I do think it's time you had a proper think/chat about your sex life, so I do think you have to acknowledge you burying your head in the sand a bit) you wouldn't be 'responsible' for him watching porn or OnlyFans - that'd be a choice he made, and from your wording one he knows you wouldn't be happy with.

He sounds like a lovely man (the middle name thing made me go - "Awwww", which I didn't think I'd be saying about an AI sex chat haha!) so I doubt that'd be an issue, but there's a big difference between "Innocent, no-other-people-involved AI chat to get things off his chest because your sex life has stalled" and "Watching porn or paying for real life content despite the fact I know my wife wouldn't like it". And the latter would not be your fault - one is a harmless outlet, the other has real-world consequences and isn't 'required', so please don't feel like you have to prevent that.

I think it's probably good that you know there's something to think about, though. Life happens, libidos change - it can be quite a jolt when you realise that it's kind of happened without you realising, but sex drives are a bit like cars, if you excuse the horrible metaphor. Look after it, give it a bit of care, and it can be a lot better than if you leave it to rust. I know sometimes illness or other things can mean it's just a no-go, but if it's 'just' life getting in the way, try and identify what has changed since you had more of a sex drive and - if you want to see if you can get your libido back a bit, which it sounds like you do - see what you can do to change it.

Make the effort to spend non-kid, non-house-admin, non-end-of-the-night-slobbing-on-the-sofa time together - even if it's just 5 min each morning without your phones, snuggled up talking rubbish with no pressure. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself (got to feel sexy in yourself first!) - hair cut, gym, new pair of overalls, dye your eyelashes orange, doesn't matter what, just whatever makes you feel good in yourself. Speak honestly to him - "I've got into a rut where sex feels like a chore and I don't want that because I do fancy you, I just don't have the physical drive right now and I want to put a temporary - deliberate, agreed - halt on sex so I can reconnect with you without feeling pressure". If you can get a night away, do that, but agree NOT to have sex - just enjoy being his wife and his company and have some fun together. Tell him it's only when you initiate OR schedule it in if that works for you OR some other thing that feels right. Masturbate, or read erotica, or watch something off HBO or whatever gets you in the mindset of being a sexual being rather than feeling like that just isn't a thing you do any more.

It's possible for it to recover, if that's what you want. But like anything else, it takes a bit of work - and sometimes it feels weird, but much like my terrible car metaphor if you don't run it except once a month to the garden centre, it's going to seize up!

DH and I went through a period of about 18 months where we had sex once a month/6 weeks because he wasn't doing great mentally and it was so hard on my self esteem and my sense of our relationship, and it was only when we talked about it properly and acknowledged it that it improved. I needed to know he was still attracted to me and that he wanted it fixed (rather than wanting it to drift off permanently) and he needed to know I understood and was willing to help him get back into the swing of things at his own pace so the libido-killing pressure was off.

Thank you @Aquamarine1029 @Rubyroseyposey @wellhelloitsme that makes me feel marginally less horrible about myself!

Just re-read my opening post again and in light of the other posts on here it's made me feel a bit embarrassed at myself - but I'm glad I posted, if only for the giant shift in perspective.

He's texted to ask if I want him to pick up some wine on the way home, which is a resounding 'yes'. Have 15 mins to have a good long hard look at myself in the mirror and compose myself into a normal human being before he's home.

Deep breaths. And hopefully I don't burst into tears when he gets in! 😅

I also think that this could be the start of you both rekindling that sex and passion as a couple and that you could well be stronger than ever. And potentially wilder than ever now you’re the rabbit in the headlights lol

Personally I probably wouldn’t have a big talk as such (I know you said you’re not going to mention the AI anyway which I agree is the right move) but just for me I’d probably just take the initiative and arrange some time alone as a couple as well as taking time myself to start reopening up sexually such as rediscovering my own desires and fantasies and getting back in the saddle myself - it is true the more sex/orgasms you have, the more you want, so see if you can rekindle your enjoyment with sex yourself and just naturally reignite that side of things with him. (If that’s what you want to do of course)

I find overthinking and overtalking and pre-match analysis around the act (or lack thereof) from either side do not typically lead to hot jungle sex.

He’s wanting enthusiastic consent so just polish those headlights off and gfi 😂

He sounds like a thoroughly decent guy. Very loving.

It's probably too late, but I'd just cuddle up to him tonight & tomorrow have a good hard think about what I want. Do you want your sex life to be better? Do you want him to feel loved & wanted. Do you want to work out why your libido has vanished?

definitely see this an an opportunity to appreciate what you stand to lose if you don't address the elephants in the room.

no one us suggesting you shoukd gave sex you don't want, but at the same time you can't expect a partner to go through the rest of their lives in an essentially sexless relationship not of their choice, happily.

This-Exactly 😞

I’d be a bit upset but you did snoop so I’d say nothing . It was private ….l wouldn’t want my other half to know my fantasies !

A lot of reflection there @Justjamys but it makes me feel even more sad for your DH that his fantasy woman is you and yet he feels insecure and knows you don’t want sex. And then you invaded his privacy, not accidentally no matter how you dress it up, and then considered telling him. Poor bloke.

I think I'm going against the grain here. I would feel weird too and I'm not sure why as he isn't cheating.

I think for me, you heard a ping, you uncovered this (maybe not so awful in the circumstances - libido wise and compared to what it could have been). However, I'd be worried this might not be all there was. That if that was just at my fingertips then there's likely to be more (might not be of course!). I think that's what would eat away at me. I think it's fine to have private thoughts. I suppose once you're writing them down to someone/something else online... it's not just a thought anymore.

Difficult. Feel for you. And him
If this is all there is and hes confronted. Mortifying.

Thanks @ATadConfused @MissStarry a lot of truth there I think.

I recognise my libido is low, but have always just dismissed it as 'I'm busy' or 'have to sort the dogs vaccinations' or 'the boys need sleeping bags for camp'.

DH has his own stresses, work, chores etc - the difference is that no matter what he's doing or how stressed he is, he would literally drop everything and jump into bed with me if I asked him and I guess the older I get I just don't function the same way. As much as I wish I did, and I do remember a time (pre kids) when that was very much the case.

By the time I go to bed, I've got head space for a podcast and little else.

It's not that I don't want sex, I do. Or rather I recognise that I want to want it. I read Come As You Are about a year ago. I guess that was me unconsciously recognising the problem, but I never gave myself space to act on its advice.

OP if you're a reader I also suggest 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel. Good luck with everything, it doesn't sound at all irreparable.

I was appalled at most of the first comments I read so haven't read them all, but I think you have a definite reason to feel cheated on. I don't know this particular AI but they are designed to replace humans, to literally seduce information from them. It is not the same as writing in a diary. There is also a privacy issue; if he works in tech he should know this. On the one hand he gave it your middle name which is almost sweet, on the other, the company behind the tech now have access to his mind and his deepest fantasies and by extension stuff about you. And they will use that data. I'm hoping it's anonymised but you're right to feel a bit freaked out. This is a very new area obviously but most of the responders are quite naive I feel. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed as you have been, even if he didn't understand the repercussions. However you both sound really sweet. I wouldn't worry about telling him you saw it, a whole company that neither of you knows has.
You sound as though you both need a break. Intimacy is hard to achieve when you're worn out and have no space to just be you. Perhaps you could also do with a holiday from chores and a chat to an AI? I wish you all the best. And ignore the vipers on here. X

Your update around the AI looking like you and having your name absolutely broke my heart. He absolutely adores you op, that much is clear.

Going through stages of asking if you fancy him, again is very sad. I think he is very down about himself and wanting to share these things with you, but worried of the response.

Although I said you were snooping and it's wrong, on some levels I actually think it's good you did look - because given your recent posts it's made you more aware of how he feels, and I think this could be the opportunity to become close again.
Try a date night, just the two of you with no phones, no distraction and reconnect as a couple.
When you meet someone, you fall in love with this extraordinary person. Over time, children, jobs, life gets in the way, and they somehow become ordinary. I think that's what's happened here. You've been together such a long time, you both need to learn how to be a couple again. Not just a tag team.

I truly wish you both all the best op

@MaybeSomeDay7 that's not how it works at all, it's not close to being cheated on.
Telling OP to take a break from her marriage is absolutely no better than the "vipers" on this thread.

Hilarious

@ladydimitrescu with respect, I didn't mean for her to take a break from her marriage, I meant she sounds as though she could do with a rest. And my suggestion was that they both need a break, maybe together but free from the everyday grind.
Semantics is not the issue here though, the issue is that the company now has very personal data on her and her partner. This is where the betrayal lies, even if unwitting. The app was created by a Russian, and those who work in AI and related areas would know exactly what my concerns are. Her privacy has been violated and if there were a data breach the results might not be pleasant.
However, I wish the OP and her other half all the best, they sound absolutely lovely and your advice about the date night was exactly what I thought.

How has her privacy been violated? Have I missed something?

You sound lovely OP and it sounds like your DP loves you very much. Hope the talk (not about the app) goes well.

She has NOT been betrayed.

If the data was misused in some way then that might be embarrassing and you're right the results might not be pleasant, but that does not mean that he betrayed her.