Found app on husbands phone

[Justjamys]

Can't believe I'm writing this to be honest, but here goes. I'll try to be succinct - sorry if it's long but want to be thorough.

Bit of context. Early 40's, together with DH for 15 years. Three kids. Generally all good marriage wise. He's kind, generous, supportive. We're politically aligned, similar tastes etc. Makes me laugh daily. He's my best friend basically.

Never had any cause for concern. We argue very, very rarely. Only flash points we've ever had in our relationship are division of labour (he does a lot to be fair and when I do pull him up on it if there's a lapse, he does admit he's wrong and pulls his finger out) only other point of tension is an ongoing libido mismatch which I guess is common. He'd like it weekly +, I can barely manage the enthusiasm once a month.

Other than that, our relationship is happy and solid.

So, to the point. I spotted a notification on his phone on Friday night when he'd popped to the shops and decided to take a look. Nothing unusual in that, I know his pin and he's never protective of his phone - its common for us to use each others.

The app in question is 'Replika'. It's an AI avatar that you can text chat to. DH is a bit of a geek, works in tech, so always fiddles around with this sort of thing so wasn't surprised by it as such.

When I scrolled through his chat log, it was mostly mundane stuff, videogames, movies, work, holidays, favoirite books etc. At one point he talks about being depressed (news to me!) and stress at work but there were a few occasions where the conversation was sexual and, at times, very explicit/descriptive.

Without going into detail, DH is pretty vanilla in that sense, but the conversations with the AI were definitely not.

I shut the app down when he came back from the shops, and outside the shock of some of the sex stuff, I was sort of okay with it (I didn't ask him about it).

Thing is, as the days have gone by I'm beginning to feel a bit cross about it and am not sure If I'm justified or not. My head says I'm being totally unreasonable, but I can't change the fact I feel increasingly upset by this.

I mean, he hasn't cheated. The AI isn't real but the more I think about it the more I'm getting annoyed.

I can't confront him about it as he'd be mortified I've read it, and in a very strange way I felt a bit like I was reading his diary. It was very much a 'stream of consciousness' kind of feel to the text and so I feel like I have very much invaded his privacy - albeit (genuinely) accidentally.

So while I haven't been cheated on, I feel somehow like I HAVE been... but with a non existent woman. Ffs.

Don't know what I'm asking here. Sure as hell can't tell my friends about this, but I'm going to have to get a grip pretty soon as I could barely look him in the eyes this morning and he can tell there's something wrong.

Anyone have any thoughts? Any comments telling me to just get a bloody hold of myself are definitely welcome.

. He'd like it weekly +, I can barely manage the enthusiasm once a month.

You’re very very lucky that he’s only using an AI app. He obviously needs more.

I wouldn’t confront him, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong really and he’s allowed to have private fantasies.

If I were you I would work on your own libido. Are you on contraception or are you just completely exhausted with other things? It’s a bit sad that you don’t feel enthusiastic about sex with him. This is likely to cause further problems for you if you don’t look at fixing it. This is a wake up call for you.

I think it was a massive violation of his privacy to read all of that.

I think the mismatch in sex drive is a bigger issue than you think it is. I wouldn't be happy with once a month.

Don’t you have to pay extra to have that kind of relationship with Replika..

I'd be so embarrassed and pissed off if my partner snooped and read my intimate thoughts, then wanted to discuss it with me because they're angry! He hasn't done anything wrong, why do want to bring it up, if it's for him to apologise or justify, then don't do it.

I agree with others here, that your differing sex drives seems more of an issue for him.

I would consider this a huge invasion of privacy, you really had no right to do what you did.

He's not pestering you
He's not whining
He's not watching porn
He's not watching sex workers
He's not buying prostituted women
He's not cheating

I think this is genuinely the best way a man, or woman, who is regularly rejected sexually / rarely has their sexual needs met, can find an outlet outside of their own head.

I think I'd be glad he found an outlet for something he knows you're probably not into (?) that isn't another person - he's found the most innocent, un-harmful outlet he could and is just pouring his thoughts at that, rather than another person etc.

I know that sounds like a low bar (and it is!) but it's still a positive that despite the libido mismatch (which has killed many a marriage) he's finding a way to channel that rather than upset you by trying to introduce something you don't want.

It's no different really to having an anonymous blog or something, and I think it was a bit invasive that you read it.

It would downright unreasonable to be unhappy at him for having fantasies you didn't know about.... you mostly can't help your libido but if you're only interested in sex once a month, the likelihood you can 'find the enthusiasm' to explore mutual kinks or something new in that one-off a month is low - so he's not trying to, because that would presumably either come off as pushy or go down like a lead balloon.

On a constructive note, you now know what he might be missing in your sex life, and that it's not something that he'll just forget about if you don't mention it - it might be time for a conversation with him about your libidos, if you're not regularly communicating about it, and what the long-term game plan is. He might be reasonably happy to stick with things as they are as long as he can have some form of outlet like this, he might actually be very unhappy with it and not wanting to say, you might decide between you to try and address the low libido, you might not. But do talk about it - use this as the catalyst, because the resentment/hurt on both sides of the libido gap can be corrosive to a relationship.

I wouldn't recommend telling him you've looked at it unless you want him to be embarassed and hurt, and possibly feel like you don't trust him.

Ive never even heard of Al tbh, but I would be offended the dirty talk wasnt coming my way 🤣🤣🤣

I'd be more worried that the app asks very intrusive questions that allows it to identify you and get some of the security answers your bank asks such as where you were born.

Whilst he's carried away with his penis, he probably hasn't noticed.

Jeez let him have his privacy if you know he will be excruciatingly embarrassed why would you tell him, why would you do this to a solid supportive man who gets by on sex once a month if he’s lucky.

Will it make you feel better, will it make him feel better, yes it’s just like reading his diary and people who snoop often don’t like what they find.

Do you think he should just suck it up that he can’t have sex? Has he ever really had a chance to act out any fantasies with you, is it you who is vanilla, have you ever tried out any fantasies with him?

How would you reacted if on the one occasion a month he had suggested something different? Genuinely think about this.

Don’t humiliate him for your own satisfaction.

Gosh why would you tell him and embarrass him like that? What he’s doing isn’t even as bad as watching porn, which lots of men do. Consider yourself lucky that all he’s doing is having a bit of a fantasy chat that isn’t real. It must be very hard for him that you have such mismatched libidos.

Personally I wouldn't bring it up.
I would save him the embarrassment. I am cringing at how that would make me feel.
It doesn't need to know you know, in future don't go reading.

I'd be depressed if I was with a partner who had to "summon the enthusiasm" for a monthly pity shag, and thought it was okay to read my private written thoughts.

I feel so sad for him. How lonely he must feel.

I'd prefer my husband to blow off steam using an AI chat bot than Adultwork or Only Fans. The problem with going snooping is that you may well find something.

I think I would be worried but only because I don’t understand it.

You could ask what the app is without admitting that you read his messages.

If there was no human at the other end of the conversation I would not tell him and wouldn't act on this.

No one else is involved.

I think the deeper problem is your mismatch in libido and the limits of your mutual sexual expression. Everyone has fantasies and things they like to think about privately, but it sounds like your sex life is pretty staid if you only want sex 12 times per year or thereabouts and you are shocked he has a more vivid inner fantasy life than you were aware of.

Also sorry but you didn’t exactly stumble across this by accident, you waited until he left the house and scrolled through what sounds like a lot of writing from him. I’d feel violated if someone did that with essentially my private diary type space and really fucked off and if they then acted like they thought i’d done something wrong when they can barely muster any enthusiasm for once a month sex with me.

Its quite telling you list the main aspects of your relationship and tack on the lack of intimacy at the end like it’s of little importance.

You are mistaken your relationship is not solid if you can’t be arsed to have sex . How unfair to expect your partner to live a sexless life to suit you . You read his private thoughts I’d suggest you spice up your sex life or this could escalate into other sites where he will talking to actual women

I'm not really sure what you think he did wrong? Poor chap.

Definitely not a rock solid relationship. Don't downplay the mismatched libido, that is huge - despite what a lot of MN think. Also the invasion of privacy is really bad too. You read a lot of private messages to what is, basically, a version of a diary (if he's writing to AI then it's just writing for himself)

What a dick thing to say!

No one should be made to feel that they have to have sex.

It's the equivalent of him keeping a diary and you reading it

Have you always been a once a month kind of person, or has the sex dwindled over time? I think most people would consider than on the low end of normal in a healthy relationship. Maybe you should have an honest chat with your husband about how to get some sparks back into the bedroom activities?

Absolutely do not mention that you've read his private stuff. Assuming you think he's written what he's truly thinking rather than spouting random crap to test the ai capabilities, then maybe you should try and raise the depression thing somehow, without telling him you've read it.

I think he's watched the movie, 'Her' too many times.